Can a wife be a closet Lesbian

[midnightplayer]

I need some advice. This is the perfect spot to ask, as some of you know our sex life has been rocky, bordering on non-existant thoughout our 42 years of marriage. My wife has never really been sexually active prior to our marriage and she has had lukewarm interest in our sexual activity. At times she has little interest in sex, and I get the feeling she is doing it because, "he has gone long enough I need to fuck him". She for a period of 12 years would not allow any oral sex between us, finally I pushed the issue enough so she gave in, but I get the feeling she is not enjoying sucking my cock, enjoys me going down on her, although I can get her to cum.

I have tried many many times to get her to talk about her sexual fantasies and she says she has none. I have tried to get her to sit down with a cup of coffee the next morning and discuss our sexual play and to tell me what she liked what she wanted better and she wont talk about our sexual play, just silence.

A few weeks ago I tried to discuss the reasons she doesnt seem to have much sexual desire and really is not too agressive in bed or doesnt initiate sex with me and I asked her is she was a lesbian and did not want to have sex with me or men. She got really upset, shouted no she was not a lesbian and began to cry and left the room. Conversation ended at that point. It got me thinking did I finally hit the nail on the head. Her reaction was far too strong for a simple question based on my three year battle to improve our sex life. She has not spoken of that conversation since and our the sex between us has again gone to zero.

In your opinion could she be a lesbian and refuses to acknowlege the fact and where do I go from here. I would be thrilled if she was at least it would explain our sexual problems and we could work on finding her a steady gf for her pleasure. I will be anxious to hear your thought. Thanks

[two4youinswva]

I don't think there's any way we could be able to diagnose the situation from where we're at. But......
From what you've described, it sounds to me that your wife is more of an asexual person than anything else. Here's the Wiki on Asexuality. It's a good place to start research on it.

Now, keep in mind, this is just a shot in the dark from someone with no training in behaviors of any type. There are others on the board with some background in this field that will probably be able to provide better insight.

FWIW, I wouldn't interpret her strong objections to being labeled as a lesbian as an indication to her actual orientation.

[ClosetSwinger]

I have no idea why she is like this. She may be a lesbian, this is possible since she had such a strong reaction. She also may have reacted so strongly because the fact that you are so desperate for an answer that you would suggest she is a lesbian shows HOW BAD things have gotten sexually for you.

I'm not sure what I would do. Personally communication is SO important and she has no communication skills. I would push the issue until I got an answer, that's just me though. As long as you have been married I think you deserve some answers.

[PB&J]

I would imagine that if a woman was asked if she was a lesbian, and she wasn't, the implication that she simply was so bad at sex that she MUST be a lesbian, would make her run off crying. It's a pretty devastating criticism, if you ask me, whether justified or not. Maybe she thinks the sex is pretty good. To hear that it's so bad to you that you think she doesn't even like men obviously hit a nerve, but probably not the one you think.

[VegasLee]

She may have had a strong reaction simply because she felt she just received the biggest insult of her life from a man that she has been married to for 42 years.

Some people just have no interest in sex. Simple as that.

If you want to find out the real truth rather then guessing then maybe you and her should seek some professional advise instead of trying to pay doctor on the Internet.

[sexcupid]

It could also be a function of age. I see your Swing Lifestyle profile and your age is listed as 63 and I assume that your wife is of similar age.

I am in no way implying that sex has to end once you can claim a senior discount. You say she has never enjoyed sex or she just has not enjoyed it the way you think she should have? Depending on how she was raised and her own personal beliefs about sex may affect her ability to initiate/be agressive/etc (which after 42 years of marriage, you should be clued in on by now even if its only just a little bit).

I agree with others that you really insulted her with the lesbian comment. Even on the odd chance that she may be, that was still rude. As PB&J said, she may be perfectly content with the sex that has been going on the past 42 years. Lots of people think oral is gross or don't have sex with frequency.

If she has always been like you describe, then it may just be her. If problems have set in since menopause, then she should talk to her doctor.

[padoc]

After 42 years of marriage, it's probably a bit late to improve your sex life. Even if you've been dis-satisfied for decades I can't imagine what you hoped to accomplish by playing the lesbian card at this point. It seems to me to have been needless cruelty and I'd suggest that you find a unique way to apologize or kiss what little sex life you have goodbye.

[midnightplayer]

Thanks for all the feedback, a lot of it is so insightful. I started this process of trying to discuss our total relationship and our sexual play, three years ago. I told her I was unhappy with how we were relating and the infrequence of our sex. Seems this is a common complaint among a lot of husbands. I wanted to discuss the issues in a very calm and controlled atmosphere, without drama. Only one problem, she did not want to engage in any conversations. I was totally rebuffed in any attempt to work on this. The comment on being a lesbian might seem to be outragous, I did not mean to shock her, but I was at a loss. She would not purchase any sexy cloths, would not engage in any play with toys, really did not seem to enjoy anything sexual, did not initiate any sexual play. What is one to think, either she is like someone said "Asexual" or a Lesbian. What else could it be, I had asked her if her hormone therapy was working and she assured me it was. I appreicate your candor, it is refreshing, but have some sympathy for me and other husbands in the same predictament. We husbands are all trying to make things right. I am sexually active and yerning for a sexually active mate. I plan a new series of discussions beginning in two weeks, and I will be encorporating some of the things recommended to me in those discussions. I want to stay married, but if I can not find happiness in this marriage then it is time to move on and find happiness for her and for me. This has become too painful to continue the way we are. Thanks for the assistance.

[Cajun2Step]

Originally Posted by midnightplayer

I plan a new series of discussions beginning in two weeks, and I will be encorporating some of the things recommended to me in those discussions. I want to stay married, but if I can not find happiness in this marriage then it is time to move on and find happiness for her and for me. This has become too painful to continue the way we are. Thanks for the assistance.

Why wait two weeks if you are talking about discussions with your spouse. We also believe that you should make a serious attempt at begging for forgiveness from your wife for the lesbian comment. We understand you hurt and request for sympathy from the Board, but you stand zero chance of getting to the bottom of your problem unless you make this attempt to heal your relationship.

Personally C2S and me(LadyC2S) have a pact that has carried us for many years. We never go to sleep at night if one of us is hurt, has a problem, or a discussion that needs to be covered until we resolve that situation. We know that will not work in a relationship where one of the partners will not work, but it is a goal to work toward.

Best of luck in your search for answers and happiness.

[Learning]

Putting on my therapists hat here. It sounds like you have checked out of the marriage. I couldn't imagine being your wife and having a "series of discussions with you" for the next two weeks. Are you going to continue to brow beat her? Let her be and if you seriously want to work on your relationship with her, go to counseling...otherwise find your peace and move on...hopefully she can find her peace as well.

[midnightplayer]

Hold on everyone, before you beat me to a pulp, I am "waiting" two weeks because she has some personal business having to deal with her late father's estate and I dont want to as you all say pressure her in this time of her responsibilities. In addition I have not been brow beating her at all. In fact I have been the perfect husband, working on all of her projects that she wants done. Redooing the kitchen, bath, and relandscaping the front flower beds, I have worked hard the last month all for her. So before you all put me in front of the fireing squad, I am not the bad guy here and one more thing we have not been intimate in two months, she is not interested; now that is my fault too?

[LFM2]

I'm going to change the subject a little.

I was looking at your Swing Lifestyle profile and I'm just really wondering if it's working for you?

You do state that you're married, but in general, most swingers don't play with married men playing single without talking to the wife first. Has anyone said anything to you about talking to your wife so you can play?

Regarding the original post... I pretty much echo what the others have had to say. Some women just HATE sex. Easy as that. I think I'm going to leave it at that.

[Learning]

One word: counseling. Should have years ago but if you are in it for the long haul find a marriage and family therapist that has been creditialed by ASECT.

[midnightplayer]

Thank you LMF2 and you are right Learning I plan to do counseling if she will submit to it, both marital and spend some time with a sexual therapist. As to where being a single swinger yes I have had discussion with couple and have met some, but I prefer to not speak of those activities; rest asure I have asked my wife to swing with me 20 years a go and she said no and I did not pursue it, I have brought it up again 3 years ago and she again refused. I am not as active as some of you might think, selective and discrete. I do have extensive conversations with couples that contact me and we seem to come to an understanding. Enough said about that

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by midnightplayer

I plan to do counseling if she will submit to it, both marital and spend some time with a sexual therapist.

I'm really surprised you haven't tried this already. You gave this exact advice to someone in this thread from back in January.

In one of your first posts on the board from 2007, you mention that she was unreceptive to your request to seek help with her lack of desire. You were given the advice to seek counseling by several different members in more than one thread.

Based on several of your posts in the last three years, it doesn't appear anything has changed in that time. I don't think speculation on a board with people that don't know the situation is going to make it any better.

At some point, you should really make a decision on what is more important to you, and as you know, we can't really help you with that.

Good luck.