Finding balance...the "drain" of the LS is starting to sink in

[interestedinif]

Hi,

We are very new to the LS, but have already had some great experiences. However, the "drain" of the LS is starting to sink in (after only a month of being really active) and I would love to hear how other people deal with the balance of "life" and the LS?

First, let me say, when I do something, I give 110% from the start. I used to always say I go "balls out", but that doesn't work as well here...

I have arranged three meetings for us in the last three weeks (two on the same weekend). It takes a great deal of time (searching, emailing, chatting, sending pics, chatting, txting, etc.) and that's not a huge issue (although work has suffered some). The bigger issue is keeping our priorities straight (family, kids, vanilla friends, etc) and finding a happy balance.

I'm sure playing twice with two totally different couples that we met for the first time had a HUGE impact on both of us emotionally (but we both had a GREAT time, if that counts). We were able to spend all day Sunday together (with our children) and recover... but I think the emotional drain really hit both of us on Monday at work.

It didn't make sense to me a few weeks ago why anyone in this LS would still have vanilla friends when you could have LS friends and have sex all the time... well, now I understand. The sex is really, really great. The chatting, flirting, txting, etc. is emotionally draining... so there is this huge build up of anxiety and excitement right up to the moment you decide to play... and then the thrill of driving to the hotel is intense... and then the actual playing is the best thing ever... but at some point you have to come "down" from that high... Is there such a thing as a sex hangover?

What do people do to keep from getting overwhelmed when first starting? How many times a week/month is too much to play?

[BiloxiCouple]

That's why "cliques" work in the clubs so well. My personal opinion.

Or other established groups like some online ones.

[LikeMinds321]

I compare what you've experienced to how I view anything in life, if I get too much of that "good thing" it either becomes unappealing or disabling.

When our schedule felt too full, we made the decision to slow down.

It is very important to keep your priorities clear, once you start swinging, or you risk ignoring what most needs your attention.

I have the feeling you know this and will make the right adjustments to bring back that balanced feeling.

Glad you found the Board. Welcome!

LM

[lustylearning]

Wow. I can totally empathize with you. When we started in LS we were non-stop busy for two years and were having such a blast we didn't notice we were burning out until after the fact. You've already seen some of the negative toll LS can take. How often you indulge will be dependent on who you are and what you need. It sounds like you're both on similar pages in how LS impacts you, but sometimes the impact differs within the couple. Hubby is willing to do more than I am now. My ideal LS schedule would be not more than once per month with anyone new. Hubby would probably indulge twice or more You need to communicate with each other and be honest with yourselves. I know that no matter how much fun LS can be in the moment, I do not want to have to deal with the energy and stress (even good stress) it requires when my work schedule is demanding, but that's me. I'm an introvert and need time alone to recharge, so that I can give priorities the focus they are due

It sounds like you guys are approaching this with the right attitude and asking the right questions to make it work for you. May your adventure be a wonderful one!

[exploringRM]

We find it had to balance as we usually experience a feast or famine schedule. Due to work or other committments we might not have a chance to be active for a month or two. Then the planets align and we party hard. After not doing much, this past weekend we were at a M&G friday night, alot of sexy dancing and socializing. A swing dinner party/house party Sat night and then a vanilla wine dinner on Sunday night. Monday I was a zombie!

We do still go to vanilla events but we lean more towards the swing ones. We have made alot of friends and are in a few groups that have somewhat regular parties so we do not setup alot of meetings with new couples. That IS alot of work. Myself I would probably not do more than one new couple meeting in a weekend as I would like to put our best energy level forward, but if a decade or more younger I might go for more.

That high is pretty tremendous though!

[LFM2]

While too much of anything can be fun, it's usually not good for us. Like candy, sugar, carbs, time away from work, family etc.

We started out in the LS over 4 years ago. Our kids were pretty much grown. I think our youngest was almost 17 at that time. We were lucky that we didn't have younger kids.

We did a lot of M&G's, house parties and playing by our standards. We really only went out once or twice a month, but to us, it was a lot because we didn't go out at all before that.

Our family has always come first. No matter what ~~ even vanilla get togethers or birthday parties. Secondly, we both made decisions if we were going to go out, play or whatever, one spouse can veto the other.

Even though we both LOVE sex, there are times we just don't go out for one reason or another. We stay home, sit in the hot tub, drink a bottle of wine and reconnect with each other. If we're happy at home, we're happy when we're out.

We took a break for about 7-8 months and now we're back in the groove. We belong to a cliquish group of people that meets up about once a month. We don't always play, but we sure do love going and talking and catching up with old friends.

You know, we don't live that far from you. Only about 15 miles or so. Maybe we'll meet up at one of those M&G's someday.

[The Fuse]

We enjoy doing something every other weekend or so. The times when lifestyle events or dates have piled up next to each other in the same weekend, it's been a bit much to handle. We like savoring each experience before, during and after, not gorging on the next one and forgetting the last one. That's just the way we like to do it. If we're too tired and still in the headspace of the last experience, it's tough to give the next one what it deserves.

If you feel like it's too much, it is. Choose what you think is best and how much you think will feel right for you.

[Cajun2Step]

Thanks for starting this thread. We had never discussed this topic before. It just always worked out for both of us. That being said it opened up a great line of communication for us. We as traveling folks are never around one area long enough to get too involved with a group of regulars. For us that is both a blessing and a curse.

We will keep a regular eye on this thread to see what information we can glean from our online friends.

[WeMayTryIt]

We can relate. When we first started out, it seemed as though thoughts of the lifestyle consumed us. We had always been very conservative, we married extremely young and were wholly monogamous. It was such a big change, and an adventure for us, we were like kids in a candy store. After a few months, we backed off, because we needed to find some balance. It ended up that we didn't do anything related to swinging for about a year (although we did hang out with some of our newfound friends in vanilla settings now and then). We've recently started to swing again, with friends we made previously. We don't really want to get back into the whole online thing again, because that is extremely time and energy consuming. We don't actively seek new swinging friends--we'll go to a local meet and greet every now and then, and there are always new people there--between that and attending house parties, that is exclusively how we find new playmates. If we were to use Swing Lifestyle or one of the other sites again, I'm fairly sure we would be back in the grind, so to speak. I don't know if you're close to Boise, but there is a local couples-only club (off-premise, has a monthly meet & greet in a local vanilla club). It's an easy, efficient way to meet people. Let us know if you want specifics.

In the end, you're just going to have to figure out what works for you guys--that may entail staying on the crazy train for a little bit until the new car smell goes away, so to speak The fact that you're asking about balance is a good sign that you'll eventually find it.

[lotsoffun201]

Originally Posted by WeMayTryIt

We can relate. When we first started out, it seemed as though thoughts of the lifestyle consumed us. We had always been very conservative, we married extremely young and were wholly monogamous. It was such a big change, and an adventure for us, we were like kids in a candy store. After a few months, we backed off, because we needed to find some balance. It ended up that we didn't do anything related to swinging for about a year (although we did hang out with some of our newfound friends in vanilla settings now and then)

We totally agree. We took nearly a year off and while we kept our friends, it just can't be so encompassing that your homelife suffers. Now we keep it to a once in a while thing to keep it new and fresh. When we do go out, we go out hard, but it makes it much easier to recover on Sunday!

[ClosetSwinger]

I think you just got too excited (easy to do in the LS) and threw too much into one weekend. Meeting TWO different couples in one weekend for newbies is a bit much, we have been doing this nearly two years and I am not sure I COULD handle meeting two couples in one weekend!

Just slow down, take it easy and give yourself a little time to digest all the changes that are happening. We go out once a monthish (LS oriented) and that seems to help keep a balance. We also have a "regular couple" we play with often and so that also fills in the gaps.

[interestedinif]

You are correct... we got carried away this last weekend... the problem was the 2nd couple we had been trying to get together for a while and REALLY wanted to meet them, and we had not really planned to go out Saturday night... but then they contacted us and said they could make it if we could...

I really think we were both on a two day "high", and then it took all day Sunday to come back down... so by Monday morning we were both totally exhausted and trying to deal with everything...

We have readjusted our priorities and we are going to slow down a little. The LS isn't really the problem, because we have already been through a complete lifestyle change when we left the Mormon church (that we had belonged to for 30+ years). Once we figured all of that out (it took us 2-3 years to totally disconnect and adjust), moving into another LS really isn't all that difficult. I think our issue was the mental overload of so many things going on at the same time (scheduling, emailing, chatting, planning, etc. with two couples for different nights at the same time is a little much).

The nice thing is we have such great communication (2-3 hours every night of talking), that we can usually process and move on pretty quickly.

[WeMayTryIt]

Originally Posted by interestedinif

You are correct... we got carried away this last weekend... the problem was the 2nd couple we had been trying to get together for a while and REALLY wanted to meet them, and we had not really planned to go out Saturday night... but then they contacted us and said they could make it if we could...

I really think we were both on a two day "high", and then it took all day Sunday to come back down... so by Monday morning we were both totally exhausted and trying to deal with everything...

We have readjusted our priorities and we are going to slow down a little. The LS isn't really the problem, because we have already been through a complete lifestyle change when we left the Mormon church (that we had belonged to for 30+ years). Once we figured all of that out (it took us 2-3 years to totally disconnect and adjust), moving into another LS really isn't all that difficult. I think our issue was the mental overload of so many things going on at the same time (scheduling, emailing, chatting, planning, etc. with two couples for different nights at the same time is a little much).

The nice thing is we have such great communication (2-3 hours every night of talking), that we can usually process and move on pretty quickly.

It sounds like you two are totally on track. Good to hear. The communication is key.

We can relate to the change in perspective after jettisoning long-held religious beliefs. In our experience, life just keeps getting more and more fulfilling as we keep getting rid of unnecessary hangups about everything, especially in terms of relationships. We hope the same happens for you. Good luck and have fun .

[M1F2KTJ]

It was an effort to find someone to play with. It was more my fantasy than it was hers. I found someone for her to play with and when she tried it she LOVED it. A lot! We did it together every weekend when we started. It was an indescribable sight watching my wife enjoying getting fucked by another man. She ended up falling in love with him. It was an even more indescribable feeling watching them making love together. It's nice to have someone as a regular to have sex with your wife that you both feel comfortable with and know what to expect but be careful of the emotional attachments.

[exploringRM]

Originally Posted by interestedinif

You are correct... we got carried away this last weekend... the problem was the 2nd couple we had been trying to get together for a while and REALLY wanted to meet them, and we had not really planned to go out Saturday night... but then they contacted us and said they could make it if we could...

For those that are selective (and I don't mean that in a bad way, I feel we are) it's hard to find a compatible couple and when the opportunity presents itself it's hard to say no if it works out. Much of the lifestyle is spontaneous; It's difficult to say let meet on this date in 3 months, unless it's associated with some larger event.