Wife more comfortable playing without me???

[Coffeeblack]

We've been slowly getting back into the swing of things...moving at my wifes comfort level. We've been visiting clubs locally over the last couple of months... Have yet to play with anyone, but definitely enjoying being around other like minded, sexy people. Here's the situation:

My wife tells me she's not ready to play with couples, but very interested in having another female to join us, while I watch at first and then join in later. I'm fine with that, so we've contacted some single females, but they never follow through...no big deal shit happens.

So, the other day my wife says she would feel more comfortable playing with another female by herself without me there. At first, I'm thinking to myself 'sure that would be HOT' But after thinking about it a bit, I thought to my self 'what does she mean more comfortable without me' So, when I ask her about her comment, she said ' she doesn't know what to do and would feel embarrassed and on display doing anything in front of me' I told her, we're both new and no one knows what to do exactly the first time at somethig like this and we should not be embarrassed or uncomfortable doing anything in front of each other, ever.

She says that 'she can't help how she feels and I should respect her feelings...she says, it's only for the first time and then she'll be more comfortable being with couples and doing other 3somes. I told her, I personally don't have a problem with her being with another female, but it bothers me that she feels that way about me She now feels like she should have never said anything and she doesn't want to swing anymore.

Any advice with this mess, would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks. Mr. Coffeeblack

[funcoupledayton]

Maybe it would be helpful to your wife for her to read and post on here.

I'd continue to talk with her about her feelings and concerns. I wonder how she would feel if the situation was reversed and you wanted to play without her present. Does she recognize your concerns?

Personally, I feel more comfortable in new situations with my husband with me. I'm not bi or even bi-curious, but have had enjoyable experiences with women when we've played with couples. We all just had fun and were in the moment. I think planning to play with a girl for the first time would make things more awkward. That's just my opinion and experience. Maybe your wife will post on here and we can learn about her perspective.

Good luck!

[Coupleerotic22]

I can see this thread going in a number of different directions.

1. Look out, she is really wanting to play without you, Red flag warnings.
2. She really does not want to be in the lifestyle, knew you would not go for it and this is her way out. And if you did go for it, she could just not play and come back and tell you how much she hated it.
3. She really is curious and a bit nervous, so keep talking and give her some space to explore.

Personally, I would certainly start with the latter. My wife was up and down about going solo. At times she really wanted it and others not so much. I think she was as nervous about my reaction as she was anything else.

She did not go solo at first, but has since then. She is now of the mindset, "been there, done that" and is adamant that she wants me to be there for future play dates of any kind. She says it is just much more fun. Although, unless it is a threesome. "puppy pile" or orgy, she prefers separate rooms, it's just to easy to get distracted by each other. That goes for me too.

Your wife's reaction could be a number of things, nervousness, fear, insecurity. Your best best is to continue to talk with her, but don't put pressure on her in any directions. If she feels pressured she may clam up.

Also examine why you feel as you do. Is it because you really wanted this to be about you guys doing this together and you are disappointed, or you are hurt because her comfort level with you is not there, or could it be your feeling some insecurities about her doing this without you. Talk with her about your feelings as well.

Could it be one of the other two things I mentioned at first? Absolutely, or something entirely different. The only way to get to the root of all of this is through communication, open, honest and complete. Just do not over react to anything and try to work it out calmly. If you can find a place where you respect each others desires and wishes you are better off. If it turns out this is something where your relationship is not where it needs to be or that would harm your relationship. Then it is best you move on past the lifestyle.

[lustylearning]

I've played "together," as a foursome, with hubby, and we've played separately (under the same roof, in different locations, and totally solo). I'm fine with them all. I am most relaxed, however, when I'm with only one partner in a room. Why? It has nothing to do with not wanting hubby around. It has everything to do with being able to focus on who I'm with and not worry about or, in the alternative, be distracted by hubby and/or his partner. That's me. I don't swing to be an exhibitionist or voyeur, even though those roles are sometimes fun. I do it to be able to enjoy the sexual experience with another. Maybe your wife feels the same. By the same token, if my hubby were uncomfortable with the thought, I wouldn't do it.

Different comfort levels can be managed. Just consider carefully why you feel the way you do. Pushing through insecurities can be a good thing.

[lustylearning]

One option you may wish to consider. If it's nerves on her part, maybe videotape? That way you can catch the action without being physically present. If both she and the potential partner agree, it could work for you.

[ALilOEverything]

I'm not giving any advice, simply sharing my experience as a woman who felt similar to your wife.

The first time I ever had any Bi play I was 18 and in front of my significant other and his guy friend. We played and the guys just sat back drooling but I have to say I didn't enjoy that aspect of it. I didn't like putting on a show. A few years later I knew I wanted to enjoy the touch of a woman but didn't want to put on a show. I met a girl who felt the same way as I did, we both were in long term relationships and both received support from our spouses to try it. It was so nice to not have that outside stimulation and I could really focus on her and what I was doing and receiving and get a good idea if I truly enjoyed it. I knew I would enjoy it because I liked being with a woman but not because of the naughty or voyuer factor. Both of our husband's were supportive and enjoyed just hearing about it. This happened three times and were finally reaching a good comfort level. One night we went out the four of us and her and I were so hot after each other we didn't care who was around us and the guys definitely got a show. I'm so glad my husband was patient and understanding! I really enjoyed Bi play for quite some time after that. I still enjoy it today if I'm not pressured into putting on a show or if there is some kind of expectation for it.

[Coupleerotic22]

Originally Posted by lustylearning

I am most relaxed, however, when I'm with only one partner in a room. Why? It has nothing to do with not wanting hubby around. It has everything to do with being able to focus on who I'm with and not worry about or, in the alternative, be distracted by hubby and/or his partner.

Very well said.

Originally Posted by ALilOEverything

We played and the guys just sat back drooling but I have to say I didn't enjoy that aspect of it. I didn't like putting on a show.

It is things like this we guys seem to forget. Excellent post!

[ClosetSwinger]

I love being watched by my man/other men so that part for me was always more exciting. Knowing that what I AM DOING is making my man/a group of men...hell ANYONE ELSE hot, OMG THAT JUST TOTALLY DOES IT FOR ME. MMMMM.

Sorry I got carried away there. ;-)

Not every woman is this way though.

I REALLY love sharing another woman with my husband. I find it hot to lick another woman WITH my hubby. It helped at first because I DIDNT KNOW what I was doing either so I could watch him and get tips, and that made me even hotter. LOLOLOL I'm such a freak.

Maybe she would feel comfortable if you were BOTH pleasuring the female together? I would keep the lines of communication open with her BUT I will agree that the fact she is so quick to say NEVER MIND no swinging at all is a red flag. Does she not really want to do this? Is she trying to say she wants to play with couples alone but is scared to? Is this her way of manipulating you into letting her try it alone with other couples? I can't say any of that for sure because I don't know her but I think it's odd she would so quickly just say NO SWINGING over something that really is NOT that big of a deal. You both are trying to find your comfort levels and for her to just THROW HER HANDS UP that fast over this...well it's questionable.

[sexcupid]

Mr Coffeeblack...Read and memorize ALilOEverthing's post. Very well put. I have had this same conversation at times with my SO...I get too wrapped up in being an exhibitionist or trying to put on a good show for whoever may be watching than being able to relax and be in the moment.

This isn't exactly a mess as you describe it. The fact is the first time you had sex with a girl...would you have wanted an audience? It was something totally new, intriguing, and you probably didn't have the faintest idea what you were doing (everyone kind of has a basic idea...but for arguments sake, no one starts out with finesse lol). For the sake of comparing apples to apples: let's reverse the situation...what if your wife was hot to watch you explore your bi-curiosity with another man?

The fact that she was able to talk to you about her concerns (being embarrassed and feeling more like she was "on display") is a good thing...but saying that either one of you should never feel that was totally invalidates what she IS feeling...because your "never" is her "now".

Of course she feels like she shouldn't have said anything...I speculate she's thinking "he's not interested in me being able to explore this curiosity of mine...he's worried about not getting his."

I guess my point is, she isn't asking to go have a gangbang without you...she is nervous about doing something she's never done (having sex with another woman) and wants a trial run without pressure from spectators (even if that spectator is only you).

[ClosetSwinger]

I agree with you sexcupid but the only thing that makes me think IT'S NOT that she is afraid to do it in front of others is the fact she said she would like to try couples ALONE without her husband. That would mean the HUSBAND of the OTHER couple would be there and she would be on display for him, why would she be okay with some other man watching but not hubby?

[Alura]

Originally Posted by Coffeeblack

d:
She says that 'she can't help how she feels and I should respect her feelings...she says, it's only for the first time and then she'll be more comfortable being with couples and doing other 3somes. I told her, I personally don't have a problem with her being with another female, but it bothers me that she feels that way about me She now feels like she should have never said anything and she doesn't want to swing anymore.

Any advice with this mess, would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks. Mr. Coffeeblack

In my opinion, Coffeeblack, your wife is the only one who can "help how she feels." Of course, being in a marriage she should avail herself of your help and communication to sort feelings out but, ultimately, she's the only one who can change how she thinks.

Also, in my opinion, it's a real block to communication to entertain the idea that she shouldn't have said anything. She needs to say everything, as do you.

If she thinks she can get over the discomfort of your being there with a single experience with another lady, I'd be tempted to encourage her. If it proves not to be the case, nothing will be lost.

I wonder if it might work for her first experience to take place in the bedroom while you watch football in the den? That might be a compromise that could work.

Keep up the communication. That's the only way to sort this out.

Alura

[sexcupid]

Closetswinger,

I mostly latched on to this quote from the OP:

So, the other day my wife says she would feel more comfortable playing with another female by herself without me there.

This statement:

she says, it's only for the first time and then she'll be more comfortable being with couples and doing other 3somes.

I interpreted as she will be more comfortable with the both of them (Mr and Mrs Coffeeblack) being with other couples and threesomes once she has crossed the hurdle/feels competent that she can please another woman and be able to communicate what pleases her. Not that she wanted to play with other couples or be the third in someone else's threesome.

Hopefully Mr Coffeeblack can clarify when he posts again.

[Coffeeblack]

Thanks everyone for your insight...and you are correct sexcupid. After she's had a 1 on 1 she thinks she'll be more comfortable with both of us doing couples or 3somes together, not by herself.

The different views are really helping me see things a little differently. I was just a littel hurt and dissapointed that she didn't feel comfortable with me being there

I'm starting to think, if this is what it takes for her to get her feet wet again, then so be it. As someone said, it's not like she wants to do a gangbang without me.

We talked some more today and she says, she's not trying to exclude me, but this is just something she would like to try without any other distractions, she's already feeling pressure( not from me), but because it's something new and different, not sure what to do, nervousness, etc. and she thinks with just her and the other girl she can just relax and focus on whats happening.

If she doesn't like it, then she'll know and never have to see the other girl again. I'm starting to wonder if I'm over reacting and being selfish.

Again, I do encourage her to explore what she wants without fear or judgment, but I just thought this would be something we could experience together and I felt left out.

[Coupleerotic22]

Your feelings are natural and understandable. Sometimes it just takes time to understand them and wrap your brain around them. Communicating is the key, so good job on that part.

Hope it all works out well. Good luck

[ClosetSwinger]

Ahhhhh now I see.

It makes sense that the first time she wants it just to be girl/girl no one watching. I was confused.

I have a few friends that when they first started playing with women they wanted to do it alone and without the men there watching. I have done the girl girl thing alone with another girl, her first time for that reason, she felt awkward her first time. She's fine about others watching now.