Divorced over swinging?

[Baconheads]

How many of you when sharing a fantasy about swinging or group sex to a more prudish spouse actually divorced over the issue?

We had a little chat this morning and it became clear that if I push the issue, we will not be married for our 28th anniversary.

My head is full of fantasies, but hers seems to be devoid of them.

Anyone else in this situation?

[Coupleerotic22]

Originally Posted by Baconheads

How many of you when sharing a fantasy about swinging or group sex to a more prudish spouse actually divorced over the issue?

We had a little chat this morning and it became clear that if I push the issue, we will not be married for our 28th anniversary.

My head is full of fantasies, but hers seems to be devoid of them.

Anyone else in this situation?

No, but if I were, the subject would hit the floor like a hot potato.

I doubt many here have that problem, we are mostly swingers. Maybe a few had it with a previous marriage, but in the end, I doubt talking about swinging did any of their marriages in. That said, if she was clear that continued talk of swinging would be the end of your marriage, then I would find a new topic ASAP if you want to stay married. It is just not for some folks, it appears your wife is one of them.

[Alura]

Of the playcouples I've known who divorced, swinging had nothing to do with it.

It was always something else ... in one case a love affair (that's quite different from swinging) with a coworker ... in another, an inability to "do things right" such as squeeze the toothpaste tube properly, etc.

My unfounded guess is that there may have been some couples who divorced because one refused to swing and the other wouldn't shut up about it.

Alura

[VegasLee]

This Lifestyle is for less then 1% of the population. Most can not handle it or have to desire to be involved in it.

I would think after 27 years of being married you would know if you wife has any desire or not to even discuss something like this Lifestyle.

If she is set in her mind that she does not want to be part of it I would be getting off this forum and go on with my life if I wanted to keep my wife. This will do nothing but feed into your fantasies and make your desires grow. That growing is not going to help your marriage.

Good luck to you. Hope you make the right decisions.

[Suburbia]

I don't think that what you are describing is a "situation."

Its you saying "Hey honey, do you want to..."

And her replying "No."

Issue closed. You have your fantasies, keep them to yourself you are a big boy and she has made her opinion clearly known. To push it or even bring it up again would show a complete disregard for her.

Swinging is a veto situation.... each spouse has total veto authority at all times.

[LagniappeDC]

A couple of thoughts here

The simple fact of the matter is that pushing anything where your spouse is opposed could cause divorce. Substitute the issue of money, kids, job choice, or whether to live near your mother (hehe) and many can and do find themselves in a situation. In those cases, you have to make a decision, be it forgo the issue, compromise, or move on. You need to decide.

I did re-read your question and I did have a slightly different take. Are you saying you actually want to get into swinging/group sex or simply share fantasies with your wife about those things. For many the idea of simply talking about swinging, watching swinger related porn, etc, are enough to give them a sexual spark and they never pursue the real thing. If your wife is resistant to sharing sexual fantasies vs. acting on them, then you may want discuss that more with her as a topic rather than any particular scenario. Couples counseling to discuss needs, etc, may be an option.

At the end of the day she may not want to even discuss your sexual fantasies in which case you find yourself back into what that means for you and your life. 28 years is an awesome achievement for two people, but only you can answer whether you are fundamentally happy. Be careful though, the grass may seem greener on the other side as they say...

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by Baconheads

We had a little chat this morning and it became clear that if I push the issue, we will not be married for our 28th anniversary.

My head is full of fantasies, but hers seems to be devoid of them.

Anyone else in this situation?

Not exactly, but something with some vaguely similar traits.

When my wife and I first got together, the idea of swinging was absolutely impossible for her. There was no way it was going to happen. I'd previously had a tame MFM scenario, and much later (not the same people) was briefly involved in a (never same room) polyamorous MFM triad. Being that my wife and I are absolutely open to each other about everything (and love it), she knew about these things long before we even got engaged. She also made it clear there was negative trillion chance that was ever going to happen with us.

That was fine with me then, and fine with me now. Neither of us needs swinging. It's fun, enjoyable, has produced many positive things and effectively little negative. But, if we never swung again our lives wouldn't be much different than they are now.

So, my (now) wife _was_ essentially in the same position that your wife is in now. I fully, wholeheartedly agree with what has already been said in response to you above. Drop it, stop pushing it, and leave it alone. If you're placing swinging above the health of your marriage, you shouldn't be thinking about actually swinging. You can not push your wife through the door. You opened the door. It's up to her to decide to walk through it. If that answer is categorically no, then drop it.

Today, my wife and I have been swinging for two years. (focusing on her view here..) She loves it, and thoroughly enjoys it. It's very fun and rewarding for her. She doesn't want to give it up anytime soon. She's glad she's a swinger, and glad she made the decision to become one.

How we got to this point had a lot less to do with me, and a lot more to do with her. Like you, I opened the doors. I didn't even do this intentionally; just in relating my past the thought door was opened. The seed was planted. Discussions over the years with her made it very clear that she understood why I made those decisions, but that she still strongly disagreed with them. Then one fine summer two years ago...she shifted her perspective, and we've been going since.

You can't do any different with your wife. If she comes back to the topic, great. If she doesn't, oh well. Life goes on. Your life isn't going to be incomplete because you do not become swingers.

As for her lack of fantasies, I'm sorry that's the case. Some people are like that. You may be able to slowly work on that over time (without bringing up swinging scenarios), but you're going to have to be very patient, trusting, and trustworthy.

[enbloc]

I think my mariage was already in trouble and the topic of swinging was just another excuse to end it.

I'll try to keep this short:
Early in our relationship I raised the idea, and she wasn't interested so I let it go. Later, as I spent more time away from my home due to my job, we started drifting apart. My ex discovered a new group of friends as our daughtered entered school and she had more time. One of the parents of our daughter's classmate was a stay-home dad and was into the lifestyle. My ex develpoed an "interest" in the lifestyle and suggested it to me as a way to keep me occupied while I was away. Her suggestion was that we would have the freedom to play separately while we were apart. I imagined we would play together when we were together, or that at least we would still have some sort of intimate relationship between us when i was home. She even got me a membership on a pay adult dating site. In the end she fell in love with one of her playmates and the rest is history.
In retrospect, our marriage was not that strong to begin with, there was very little communication, and the ex's suggestion for joining the lifestyle was a cover and i truely felt we were on the way out anyway. The topic of swinging only added to the difficult situation and a footnote in the divorce proceedings. Bottom line is that there were serious underlying issues already.

[Coupleerotic22]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

This Lifestyle is for less then 1% of the population.

I have seen numbers as high as 8% (I think I even saw one at 11%), but I always thought that was bogus. But I am surprised at only 1%. I would have guess between 2-3%. But even 1% in 3 million swingers in the US.

[VegasLee]

Originally Posted by Coupleerotic22

I have seen numbers as high as 8% (I think I even saw one at 11%), but I always thought that was bogus. But I am surprised at only 1%. I would have guess between 2-3%. But even 1% in 3 million swingers in the US.

If we could hook the American public up to a lie detector that shocked them if they lied I would be willing to be we would find ONE HUNDRED MILLION CHEATERS and LESS then ONE MILLION SWINGERS Tops.

Besides, it would be fun. Could make it into a top rated T.V. show.

[cplnuswing]

Originally Posted by LagniappeDC

The simple fact of the matter is that pushing anything where your spouse is opposed could cause divorce. Substitute the issue of money, kids, job choice, or whether to live near your mother (hehe) and many can and do find themselves in a situation.

This is a good point, and is really the way you want to be thinking about this. Like any other serious topic in a marriage, there is only so far you can push it before it becomes a problem, at which point compromise is reached or else one party or the other weighs the pros and cons and decides to gives in which can often lead to long-standing resentment if you let it, which I think is the real danger here.

I haven't ever heard of a couple splitting over swinging. Swinging isn't a magic inoculant against divorce, so even with active swingers all the usual problems with money, family, etc. still exist. In terms of divorce from just bringing it up, I still wouldn't blame that directly on swinging per se since it more likely is just a manifestation of long-standing incompatibility and being on the opposite ends of spectrum of acceptance of unconventional things. I know if I told my wife my lifelong fantasy (it's not btw) has been for us to cash out all of our assets to finance a worldwide BASE jumping tour I would receive exactly the same answer you did I use that as a silly example of how some things just don't have a lot of room for compromise if both aren't in agreement, carry a high degree of danger, and as such are probably best left undone.

[Coupleerotic22]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

If we could hook the American public up to a lie detector that shocked them if they lied I would be willing to be we would find ONE HUNDRED MILLION CHEATERS and LESS then ONE MILLION SWINGERS Tops.

Besides, it would be fun. Could make it into a top rated T.V. show.

OMG! That would be fun. And I agree, the ratings would be through the roof.

I would bet that if you asked how many would LIKE to swing the number would be huge as well. It would be interesting to put both spouses on that one ans see what happens. I am willing got bet there would be a slew of new swingers. And that the divorce rate would go up for couples that only one said they would like to swing.

[Coupleerotic22]

Originally Posted by enbloc

I think my mariage was already in trouble and the topic of swinging was just another excuse to end it.

<snip>........
The topic of swinging only added to the difficult situation and a footnote in the divorce proceedings. Bottom line is that there were serious underlying issues already.

Precisely why some many on this site warn couples off swinging if their relationship is not rock solid. The LS won't help fix anything, but can make a bad situation worse.

[couplers]

Originally Posted by Baconheads

My head is full of fantasies, but hers seems to be devoid of them.

The best approach is to have her open up with her fantasies, with the clear understanding that what she says does not constitute a license for you to assume that she actually wants to make them realitiy. Can she do that? It may take a while, but will she talk about other guys (or women) she has had sex with? Or does she like hearing about your previous sex partners? (I knew one married woman that told me that she loved to hear about her husband's past sex partners and fantasize about him being with other women, but she would not talk the other way around.) Or perhaps the place to start is discussing the possible sex lives of other couples, from Brad and Angelina to the neighbors. While it is understandable that many spouses in a couple do not want to swing or do whatever, totally refusing to talk about fantasies is almost as bad as not having sex. It would be a relationship ending situation for me. So, is she really totally devoid of all fantasies? My guess is that they are there lurking as a wonderful surprise below the surface. Your job is to lovingly coax them out and then enjoy the wild, wonderful ride. Good luck and have fun.

[want2watch40]

Well, I can't say that my divorce was because of the desire to explore the lifestyle. I think it mostly came from growing apart in our view of things. My ex was not a porn watcher but I enjoyed watching it periodically (didn't have to watch it every day but would check out some once a week or so). She would give me hell every time she found something on my computer and at one point was checking my surfing history, as well as my phone, every day. I did mention at one point that I thought about a 3some and was shot down immediately. I left that topic alone after that.

She became one of those "religious" types and wanted to be involved with nothing but church. I have no problem with someones beliefs but I do have a problem with organized religion that judges everyone yet the same people are hiding their own sins.

We grew further and further apart in opposite directions. She became more conservative and I became more liberal. It finally ended last November when I told her I wanted a divorce because we were both miserable.

Our divorce should be final on the 16th (depending on when the judge signs it) and I'm the happiest I've ever been. I have found a wonderful and amazing girlfriend that share in my views of sex, love, flirting and happiness.

We are not full fledged swingers but we are open to exploring our sexuality (and yes, it does involve inviting others in to the bedroom). We have just started and are taking it slow.

So, my divorce was not a direct result of the sexual desires but more of the growing apart in our basic views. I now have someone that has similar views and outlook on life in general. We just grew apart and basically became different people. My new partner and I are fully open with everything and can freely tell each other what we want. We want each other to be happy and don't rely on each other to make us happy. If we want something different, we talk about it.

You have to decide if the swinging thing is the ONLY issue and if it is, you need to figure out if it's worth giving up the other 'good' stuff in the relationship.