Divorced over swinging?

[cplnuswing]

What want2watch40 described is a real life example of what I was trying to get at. Sometimes people are too far apart on their views to start with and the marriage soon ends up as one might expect, badly. Other times, that distance between beliefs and views widens over time or even suddenly in response to some life event and stresses what for years may have been a strong link between two more or less compatible people. I'm not sure anyone or anything (i.e. swinging) is really to blame when that happens, people can and do change.

My question for the OP would be is this truly a change in him that she had no idea was coming? Or is it a change in her, and by that I mean based on their past conversations and actions he thought she might at least entertain the notion at some point and then was proven wrong when simply bringing it up at all elicited a strong response?

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by cplnuswing

My question for the OP would be is this truly a change in him that she had no idea was coming? Or is it a change in her, and by that I mean based on their past conversations and actions he thought she might at least entertain the notion at some point and then was proven wrong when simply bringing it up at all elicited a strong response?

I went back and read some of the OP's prior posts...one scenario involved hoping to have same room sex with his wife while on a vacation with another vanilla couple they usually hang out with that things get kind of flirty sometimes, him taking her to a nude beach to which she was not comfortable being at (but went with him anyway).

I'm hoping the OP will give us a little more insight to his thought processes. They have been married 28 years...and in the 3 years or so he has posted off and on here it doesn't seem like the wife's attitude has changed at all in regards towards opening up the marriage. Why after all that time did he think his wife would want to swing? Why does he want to swing? And how to come to the decision of stay or go...over what seems kind of trivial in the grander scheme of things (having sex with other people...which ideally hasn't happened for 28 years)?

[Coupleerotic22]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

They have been married 28 years...and in the 3 years or so he has posted off and on here it doesn't seem like the wife's attitude has changed at all in regards towards opening up the marriage. Why after all that time did he think his wife would want to swing?

Maybe it is just wishful thinking on his part. It is easy enough to read this forum and see how attitudes change over time.

The first 10 years of our marriage, there was not talk of anything resembling swinging. The second 10 we talked about it as a fantasy, but "no way in hell" was my wife's response to making it a reality. After a few year of silence on my part, my wife came to me and said lets do this. And at that point I had not seriously considered it, so we had to talk through the idea to make sure we were both good with it. For a brief time I felt like the dog that finally caught the car, when I finally caught it, I was not sure what to do with it.

What he might be missing, if that is how he is thinking:

• Our marriage improved over that time, not deteriorated.
• Our marriage was very solid before we got into swinging
• That change took a long time and there was no pressure from either side
• It was part of both of our fantasy lives, not just one of us.
• The subject only came up now and then, it was not part of our sex life all the time.

The success stories of one spouse changing over time, probably follow somewhat similar paths.

I would imagine if you look back at post where one side finally "convinced" the other to swing (rather than them getting there on their own), you will find many came back and posted about it being a disaster OR the never posted again, which leads me to think they did not survive long in the LS.

Perhaps he is looking to the board for a solution on how to shove a square peg in to a round hole, rather than waiting patiently for the square peg to become round.

[Suburbia]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

If we could hook the American public up to a lie detector that shocked them if they lied I would be willing to be we would find ONE HUNDRED MILLION CHEATERS and LESS then ONE MILLION SWINGERS Tops.

Besides, it would be fun. Could make it into a top rated T.V. show.

This is how my wife and I started. She sat me down after it came to pass that both of us had stepped out and said "we can either do this together or we can do it behind each others back."

It has been wonderful ever since.

[Baconheads]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

This Lifestyle is for less then 1% of the population. Most can not handle it or have to desire to be involved in it.

I would think after 27 years of being married you would know if you wife has any desire or not to even discuss something like this Lifestyle.

After 27 years of marriage, I felt that I have the obligation to tell her what my fantasies are.

My approach to the subject was one of a soft swing scenario, as I don't think I want to see her with another guy, right off. I know for a fact that she doesn't want to see me with another girl.

I turned 50 Sunday. Maybe it's a mid life crisis thong, I mean thing. We have to step it up now, or else it will be to late when we are 60, and I'm not just talking about sex.

For the record, I didn't say, "We need to start swinging or we're finished." I just said that it would be sexy to watch and be watched.

[Baconheads]

Originally Posted by couplers

The best approach is to have her open up with her fantasies, with the clear understanding that what she says does not constitute a license for you to assume that she actually wants to make them realitiy. Can she do that? It may take a while, but will she talk about other guys (or women) she has had sex with? Or does she like hearing about your previous sex partners? (I knew one married woman that told me that she loved to hear about her husband's past sex partners and fantasize about him being with other women, but she would not talk the other way around.) Or perhaps the place to start is discussing the possible sex lives of other couples, from Brad and Angelina to the neighbors. While it is understandable that many spouses in a couple do not want to swing or do whatever, totally refusing to talk about fantasies is almost as bad as not having sex. It would be a relationship ending situation for me. So, is she really totally devoid of all fantasies? My guess is that they are there lurking as a wonderful surprise below the surface. Your job is to lovingly coax them out and then enjoy the wild, wonderful ride. Good luck and have fun.

She was a virgin when we met, but not when we married. She has had no other. Maybe that's what has me thinking...

[sexcupid]

Perhaps it is a midlife crisis of sorts. Have you had sex with other people? Perhaps it is quite ingrained in your wife that you only have sex with the person you are married to (talk about f'd up double standard to give your kids "dear, good girls don't do that until their married" "son...fuck what you want as often as you want before you get married...then find a nice girl to settle down with" *sigh* extreme I know...just saying this is how it can come across).

If you have had others and she hasn't...and now you want to include others (even if only in them just watching). Is it that you want to be watched or you want your own live porn show while you and your wife have sex? If its just being watched...can't you just leave the curtains open/lights on for the possibility of being spied on?

If the nude beach experience is anything to go by...I don't know that she would be open to even that...but if she even gets to where she is entertaining the idea, she may wonder if you will get too caught up in what's happening on the other bed that you will ignore her. Think of how you were on the beach that day...yes, she got bitchy/snippy...but how were you acting? Were you in the "omg naked people" zone or were you attentive to see if her discomfort was getting to be too much?

The fact is you have the idea...not her...what if she feels her fantasies are too tame or that you'll think they are stupid? I mean, you're wanting to include others to watch and then probably progress to actually having sex with them. What if her idea of a hot night is candle light, rose petals and a massage? Just because she's never had sex with anyone else doesn't mean she wants to. On some level I would be exceptionally flattered if my sweetie felt that way.

[Baconheads]

Originally Posted by it'sso

I't easy for those who appear to be getting everything they can wish for in their marriage to pass judgement on somebody who has been battling for over forty years to get very little in the way of physical affection from his or her spouse.
At the ripe old age of 63, I doubt that many men would be willing to "move on" from their marriage since few could cope with the split financially.
If I were in his shoes, I'd just find a different play partner and could care less how those who managed to do better in scoring a more compatible partner thought about it.
This even if it meant he would be shut out in the "lifestyle".

At the age of twenty or so when people commonly find their [first] life partner, I suggest we don't have a clue as to what we are truly looking for. Then we put up with an unsatisfying sex life for far too long before we actually get to the point where we do anything or say anything or give up anything to be free to persue what we *really* want in a life partner.

I posted a question a few weeks ago asking basically how many tries you couples in the lifestyle made before you found the perfect mate who would swing with you. So, how many?

[Coupleerotic22]

Originally Posted by Baconheads

I posted a question a few weeks ago asking basically how many tries you couples in the lifestyle made before you found the perfect mate who would swing with you. So, how many?

I hate to answer this question here because it is tantamount to hijacking the thread.

Short answer: I never looked for the perfect mate who would swing with me. I looked for, and found, the perfect mate. It just happens that years later we enjoy swinging together.

I am not sure how this adds to this thread, so I would be glad to take up your conversation in the original post if you will link to it.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Baconheads

I posted a question a few weeks ago asking basically how many tries you couples in the lifestyle made before you found the perfect mate who would swing with you. So, how many?

Baconheads ~

I looked for your question in another thread, but couldn't find it. So I could use your help.

Please let me know where it is and I will redirect your post to it so that this thread stays on topic with the Original Poster and so that you have a chance of getting your question answered too.

LM
Forum Moderator

[sexcupid]

LM,

I think Baconheads was referring to this post he started: Divorced over swinging

[Baconheads]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

LM,

I think Baconheads was referring to this post he started: Divorced over swinging

That's the one. My apologies for highjacking the thread, it was not my intention. Not sure how to link to it, but there it is above...

[Baconheads]

Thanks mrs Cupid for your advice. Briefly in answer, of course I want to watch the other couple! That's the whole point. I want to show off, too.

An update: WE have talked more about my fantasy and while not getting closer to a soft swing, after turning the trash cans upside down, our sex routine has gotten a lot hotter. I think my problem is that I was getting bored with it. I was going soft sometimes and thought we needed to turn it up a notch.

We have started to watch adult videos, the couples kind, and it has a positive effect, from making fun of the tattoos and cheesy dialog, then once they got into it, the sex between us was hot! Even though only one of us was watching at a time. [you know how that is?] Problem now is that she has regressed back to the point where she thinks, "What if it were my daughter on the screen?" I don't have an answer for that.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by sexcupid

LM,

I think Baconheads was referring to this post he started: Divorced over swinging

Thank you, Maria.

Originally Posted by Baconheads

...how many tries you couples in the lifestyle made before you found the perfect mate who would swing with you. So, how many?

I never knew what swinging was when I was 21. I wasn't looking to marry a swinger.

I think most couples who get into swinging don't give swinging a thought until years after they get married. We didn't start swinging until 2004.

We've been married for over 35 years, and it is the first marriage for us both. I married the first guy I fell in love with.

LM

[Cajun2Step]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

I never knew what swinging was when I was 21. I wasn't looking to marry a swinger.

I think most couples who get into swinging don't give swinging a thought until years after they get married. LM

Well said. We are also on our first and only marriage.
No need to look further when you found the perfect partner.