I feel my husband's posture/demeanor is getting in his way...

[ournewfun]

We are a new couple in the LS, and find sooo much info on here We are looking for some insight/advice....

I realized something that bothered me. My husband sort of "shrinks" physically when he is nervous. His whole body. He is not a tall man, he stands about 5'6". But when nervous, he slouches, moves his feet further apart, making himself shorter than me (5'5") and looks at the ground.

This was tricky to bring up, because it evokes a strange feeling/reaction in me. I feel sad, upset, scared, and alone, but also protective of him.

The couple we were with started making comments about how I must be in charge, wear the pants in our relationship, said with a chuckle. Also, they would cut him off mid sentance when speaking, and not even look at him, but mostly at me during the conversation. I quickly made a comment regarding respect, and they were very apologetic, saying they come off the wrong way sometimes, etc. didn't mean disrespect. Ok, fine, I let it go. Didn't happen again.

He seemed to come out of his shell as the night went on. I didn't really expect anything to happen between the four of us, but it did. During the play time, we were all on the bed, full swap, and he was not shy any longer, and had a great time. Afterward, the couple commented on how they didn't expect that out of him, he was so great...etc. I was really happy for him that they gave him such props and hoped it would help his nervousness next time.

Maybe I am making a big deal out of this, but it seems to me that people treat you how you expect to be treated. I gently brought this up to him, after a comment or two from him about how we have had a lot of offers for him to watch me play with another couple. It really bothered me, because we make it known that we do not play seperately, we both play or no play. I feel this is a result of his posture, demeanor, etc.

He said he never noticed that he had a habit of doing that, but he was going to think about why he does. I don't want people treating/percieving him that way. He is confident around me and I find that so sexy. He has beautiful sparkling blue eyes and a great smile. I want others to see the man I see.

Any insight?

[Coupleerotic22]

First, there are rude and inconsiderate people in the LS just like anywhere else. But for the most part, the people we have met have been gracious and considerate people. It is admirable that you are protective of his feelings. Kudos for calling them on the carpet for their lack of respect.

Second, the women often gets the lions share of the attention, not only is the man interested her, but often the woman. That is just the LS. But don't worry, men get plenty of attention as well.

Third, the amount of attention given can be, and usually is, related to personality. The outgoing, but respectful, personality almost always gets more attention than the quiet and shy one. That is just the dynamics of interpersonal communications, in or out of the lifestyle. His demeanor may turn some women off, but others are attracted to the shy type. But there is a difference between shy and lack of confidence or comfort in a given situation. People generally do not react as well to a lack of confidence. You did not say, but is this something that is particular to swinging or is it his general personality in the vanilla world as well? If he acting this way only in swinging, it might just be he needs time to get comfortable in the LS.

Finally, I don't think people treat you how you expect to be treated as much as how you treat them. If you are closed off, reticent, distant then they will be more so themselves. If you are open and gregarious they will be as well. That of course depends on their personality too. If they are shy also, they won't turn into Zig Ziegler, but they will be more likely to open up.

One of the great, and unexpected, benefits of swinging for us, has been my wife becoming more confident. No matter how complimentary I have been, in her view, it was coming from her husband, I love her and see the best in her. Somehow, being pursued and complimented by strangers has given her a huge boost in confidence. She is more open, self reliant and take charge than she has ever been, and it has spilled over into her vanilla world as well.

If your husband will work on being more outgoing and breaking some of his habits, then he will likely get a better response. And when he does, that will in turn, likely fuel his confidence.

[ClosetSwinger]

Wow I could have written this post when we first started out in the lifestyle! Hubby didnt do the slouch thing but the first time we went to a club....HE WAS AWKWARD (he too is 5 '6".) Bless his heart. I just love this man. Sorry I got off track. ANYWAY!

The club we went to was really a large house party. I was nervous but after one drink WAS all over the place, chatting, talking, flirting. Hubby sat down and just watched everything. This made me nervous and I repeatedly had to ask him if he was okay, did he want me to sit down? He said no, I'm enjoying watching you, just go with it.

I had fun but I would be lying if I said it wasnt dissapointing that he wasnt interacting with everyone. Don't get me wrong he chatted but for the most part WATCHED ME talk and socialize with everyone else. He told me later that he likes to watch, and see how people interact while he gets comfortable with the atmosphere and that he really liked watching how flirty and social I am.

The first couple we played with ALSO tried to get me to play with them alone and THAT made me MAD and protective also. Now hubby is MUCH better. He is usually more outgoing and talkative and the lifestyle has helped bring him out of his shell. Every now and then he is quiet but usually he is more social. I enjoy watching him "woo" other women now and I get that feeling of pride when he does it. I know to vanilla people that sounds so warped but it shows that his confidence level has really taken off and women react to that.

I too get MULTIPLE offers to play without him and I also make it CLEAR that I don't do that. I don't usually get angry about it anymore because I too have realized that the lifestyle really is about the women the men get to go along for the fun ride! :-)

By the way I had to add this. The first night we went to the club there was a SMOKING hot couple there, the girl half was just AMAZING. We drooled over them for a year. One night we met up at the club again and played with them, I honestly wanted to high five my hubby when he was having sex with her! lmao! That's how far we/he has come!

[ClosetSwinger]

One more thing I wanted to say If you act like you are hot...for some reason people think you are. It's all in how you perceive yourself. Obviously is you are OBNOXIOUS about how hot you are that's a turn off but if you are confident people see that and are drawn to it. I am not the sexiest, thinniest, hottest woman but I CAN SURE act like I think I am hot and people flock to that. Then have no idea inside i'm like OMG my butt looks huge right now! hahahahah

[naughtyus74]

Awww! You were great to be there for him and he got through it. I'm sure his confidence will grow.

[thosetwo76]

Originally Posted by Coupleerotic22

You did not say, but is this something that is particular to swinging or is it his general personality in the vanilla world as well?

In general, no. He is usually very open and easy to talk to. Other people comment frequently about it actually, that they feel they can tell him anything, so you are probably right, he may just need time to get his bearings in the LS

[thosetwo76]

Originally Posted by ClosetSwinger

Wow I could have written this post when we first started out in the lifestyle! Hubby didnt do the slouch thing but the first time we went to a club....HE WAS AWKWARD (he too is 5 '6".) Bless his heart. I just love this man. Sorry I got off track. ANYWAY!

The club we went to was really a large house party. I was nervous but after one drink WAS all over the place, chatting, talking, flirting. Hubby sat down and just watched everything. This made me nervous and I repeatedly had to ask him if he was okay, did he want me to sit down? He said no, I'm enjoying watching you, just go with it.

I had fun but I would be lying if I said it wasnt dissapointing that he wasnt interacting with everyone. Don't get me wrong he chatted but for the most part WATCHED ME talk and socialize with everyone else. He told me later that he likes to watch, and see how people interact while he gets comfortable with the atmosphere and that he really liked watching how flirty and social I am.

The first couple we played with ALSO tried to get me to play with them alone and THAT made me MAD and protective also. Now hubby is MUCH better. He is usually more outgoing and talkative and the lifestyle has helped bring him out of his shell. Every now and then he is quiet but usually he is more social. I enjoy watching him "woo" other women now and I get that feeling of pride when he does it. I know to vanilla people that sounds so warped but it shows that his confidence level has really taken off and women react to that.

I too get MULTIPLE offers to play without him and I also make it CLEAR that I don't do that. I don't usually get angry about it anymore because I too have realized that the lifestyle really is about the women the men get to go along for the fun ride! :-)

By the way I had to add this. The first night we went to the club there was a SMOKING hot couple there, the girl half was just AMAZING. We drooled over them for a year. One night we met up at the club again and played with them, I honestly wanted to high five my hubby when he was having sex with her! lmao! That's how far we/he has come!

Thank you so much for sharing this! I feel alot better knowing that your husband has come a long way....hopefully with time and encouragement, mine will too.

I was actually really worried that we should not be swinging, because I thought there were hesitations on his part, but I think it's more about him being comfortable and getting to know how things generally go in certain situations like clubs or house parties. When I asked him, several times, if he was sure this was something he wanted to put the time into becoming comfortable with, or if he wanted to take a break....let things sink in, he looked at me like I lost my mind and said NO, he really wanted to keep on...so I guess I just need to stop worrying and let him find his groove

[thosetwo76]

Originally Posted by ClosetSwinger

By the way I had to add this. The first night we went to the club there was a SMOKING hot couple there, the girl half was just AMAZING. We drooled over them for a year. One night we met up at the club again and played with them, I honestly wanted to high five my hubby when he was having sex with her! lmao! That's how far we/he has come!

Yay! I was so happy for both of you when I read this!!! LOL, I would have wanted to high five my hubby too

[Alura]

from Oklahoma, Ournewfun! We're glad y'all have joined us.

People tend to get nervous in any new situation. It doesn't surprise me that when playtime rolled around your husband dealt with the situation admirably. I think more experiences will make him even more positive but it's good he's going to consider it.

Alura

[ournewfun]

Originally Posted by Alura

from Oklahoma, Ournewfun! We're glad y'all have joined us.

People tend to get nervous in any new situation. It doesn't surprise me that when playtime rolled around your husband dealt with the situation admirably. I think more experiences will make him even more positive but it's good he's going to consider it.

Alura

Thank you for the welcome and encouragement!

[H2SO4]

As a very shy guy married to a very outgoing wife. I can add that the LS has been helpful to me. He will get better and better. For the guys like me that are just naturally quiet and shy we will never change into something that we are not but opposites do tend to be attracted to each other so we now look for that in our playmates. I miss very little and am usually right on about who we have a shot with. Make sure that you always include your man in everything. Suck him into the conversation if you have to. I have had to give on some areas such as dancing but we came to an agreement that there must be at least 3 other couples on the floor before I will get out there. The point is that you have to play the cards that you are dealt and make the best of them.

[Edison Carter]

Sounds to me like a couple of awkward moments, a couple of course corrections and a night of great sex.

[thosetwo76]

Hey ournewfun! Thanks for starting this thread, lots of good info. I think I actually answered a question for you...LOL! But in my defense it was a question about him in the vanilla world, and that's how I know him, so my big mouth just had to open. How's the situation now? Our husband's are soooo much alike in some ways! We went to our first party this weekend and Mr. 76 greatly surprised me by not being shy at all...he even danced with women he didn't know! I was very happy for him. Tell Mr Fun his twin is branching out, maybe he will get brave too
Mrs. 76

[ournewfun]

Originally Posted by thosetwo76

Hey ournewfun! Thanks for starting this thread, lots of good info. I think I actually answered a question for you...LOL! But in my defense it was a question about him in the vanilla world, and that's how I know him, so my big mouth just had to open. How's the situation now? Our husband's are soooo much alike in some ways! We went to our first party this weekend and Mr. 76 greatly surprised me by not being shy at all...he even danced with women he didn't know! I was very happy for him. Tell Mr Fun his twin is branching out, maybe he will get brave too
Mrs. 76

I see that you answered for me, but you were right, so that's ok! We have not had any experiences as of late, so I can't say if the situation is better. After talking about it, he has been trying to be more mindful of his posture and demeanor in our everyday life.
They are so much alike! Too bad we live a million miles from each other, they would get along so well. I told him about his "twin" out there cutting a rug and he said way to go, so pass that along, would you? I'll keep you updated and you do the same

[Alura]

I dunno... How far can a cute little house be from Michigan?


Alura