Is this jealousy or something else?

[interestedinif]

Hi,

I am going to try and summarize everything the best I can, while asking for sugggestions on what to try to help my situation.

We have been happily married for 20 years. Neither of us have ever been with anyone else (we were married as virgins). We have had "bedroom fantasies" for 10+ years, including just women, and women and men.

My wife has been thinking and processing the idea of swinging (without mentioning it to me) for at least a year. A month ago I found a CL ad that I read to her out of the blue, and she was sold on the idea. We then started reading, processing, and talking for the last month (sometimes talking about it for 4-5 hours per day). We even went to dinner with a friend couple that have been swinging for 5+ years to talk about things. We were ready to make something happen. We read the swinger's manual, and so many of things there had already happened to us... more attachment to each other, more loving, more communication, etc.

So, we finally meet a couple online and we go for drinks. After a couple hours of talking (small talk, swinging talk, etc.) we decide to get a hotel. Once we get there, things get started pretty quickly (they are very experienced swingers and we already told them no full-swap but everything else is OK). The other man gets things started by touching and kissing my wife, while his wife is on the couch, so I go over and we start kissing, etc. The whole time I am trying to have fun and enjoy myself, but I can't keep from watching him kiss and touch my wife.

Clothes start to come off, and pretty soon everyone is naked and we are all on the bed. He starts to go down on my wife, and she stops him and then asks me "are we OK with this?" and I say "yes, everything but sex is what we agreed on". So then he does that, while his wife starts going down on me. Again, I am having a hard time really getting into it because my wife is making so much noise like she can't get enough. We play around in various positions for about an hour, and then I pull my wife on me and we have sex (while the other couple does the same).

We got dressed pretty quickly because we had to be home, and told the other couple thanks and we would be in touch. The whole way home we talked about everything. We actually ended up talking until 5:30AM once we were home (and having sex twice during that time).

I have two issues I would love to get some input with:

(1) For the last 20 years, I was able to completely shut down my male urge to be with other woman. I didn't talk to other woman, I didn't make eye contact with them, I was never around a single woman alone. I honestly didn't even look at other woman most of the time. I was with the woman of my dreams, and I had no reason to look. The last month, things have changed. My wife encourages me to look, and actually points out other hot woman and we talk about it. We talk a lot. The issue with our first encounter was that I could not totally commit to the other woman out of respect for my wife. I know that's why we were there, and I know it should have been easy for me to have another woman (who was very hot), I just couldn't make myself do it. I was feeling guilty or bad about doing something with this woman (yet my wife was with another man at the same time). Any suggestions for helping me over this hurdle?

(2) Seeing my wife with another man has been hard. I'm not worried she is going to leave me, or become unhappy with me, or anything like that. I have just been her "protector" for the last 20 years... and now I have to just completely let my guard down and let her have him. (I should mention I am a very, very strong "red" personality and I am also very much an alpha male). So my instinct is to protect and guard my wife at all cost. Watching her enjoy herself with another man was very hard. I'm just not sure if there is a way to process this and have a way for me to "disconnect" during our play sessions?

We talk and talk and talk. There is nothing we can't say to each other. We are 100% completely open about everything now (and really always have been). We have talked about this for hours and hours, and I am trying to work through it... but any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

[ClosetSwinger]

Awww your a sweet guy. You make me want to give you a big ole hug....or a BJ.

LOLOLOL

Seriously though. I think it's sweet you feel this way AND it's normal. Hubby had the same issues at first and honestly he mildly still has this problem. HE IS totally able to enjoy another woman now though. I LOVE WATCHING him with another woman but he doesnt LOVE watching me. He's fine with it now, he doesn't HATE it but it's not his favorite thing either. If that makes any sense?

Communication is SOOO important and I love that you and your wife TALK, TALK, TALK. We are the same and it is BECAUSE we have talked that I can be aware of his feelings and situations where I feel he might become sensitive. We have been doing this for a year and a half now and I honestly can't remember the last time he got jealous....he's come that far. Part of the reason he is able to handle it now is that I HAVE GONE OUT OF MY WAY to make sure he is okay with everything. In the beginning I would check, then double check that he was okay (discreetly of course, no one else knew what I was saying). I would ask after wards if there was anything I did that upset him. Even now I will ask him more then once if he is okay with something and he laughs at me and says YES BABY I AM FINE! I think the fact that he knows I would stop IMMEDIATELY if he told me to, helps him feel more in control and helps him to realize that HE is the most important person in all of this to me...and I am to him. He allows me to have threesomes with our regular couple now when he is out of town for work. He is in control of whether I play or not and I am in control of what he does too. We have both become very giving in that arena and all of our rules have pretty much been abolished because we are so comfortable with things now (we do still have a couple though).

[Coupleerotic22]

I don't think what you are feeling is uncommon. With us, at first, it was difficult for me to focus on the other women as much as I wanted to or should have. We talked and searched our minds for the answers. In the end, there were a couple of things going on .

One, I don't think there was one single emotion (jealousy or otherwise) to which I could attribute these feelings. It was sort of "pang" or rush of a dozen or more feelings that came all at once and went away quickly. It was a mix of jealousy, excitement, love, lust, fear, disbelief, joy, and more. It was exhilaration with a touch of pain. It literally came and pasted so fast I could not figure it out for a while. The things that caused anxiety would pass, leaving just the good feelings. But the pang would come and go at times.

My wife and I discussed it in detail and she felt the same thing. Consciously we are not jealous or fearful and we are both excited for each other. I think it was such a new situation that subconsciously everything we thought we should feel, and any lingering doubts, came together at once with all the good things we felt.

Rolled up in that split second pang were things we did not think we should feel, or actually did feel when we thought about it, like jealousy. As time passes we still get that rush, but there is nothing painful about it at all now. I think it similar to extreme sports, the first time you do something new, and there is a ton of excitement, with an edge of fear. Eventually, the fear subsides and it is just exciting. And if the fear never completely goes away, but is manageable, it is not such a bad thing because that is part of what makes it exciting.

Your second question.

I am my wife’s protector, she and I both like me having that role. I am very protective of her as well. From a swinging perspective, I had to separate out who I was protecting and from what. Her safety and happiness is my paramount concern. But what I had to realize was that there is a difference between protecting her safety and protecting myself from things I feared on a subconscious level. Protecting myself from unwarranted fears (her falling in love, my jealousy, etc) would only get in the way of her, and me for that matter, having fun.

Since we are both responsible for protecting our relationship with each other, she is, in a way, my protector as well. Like you, we talk about everything, and we know what things might hurt our relationship. So we are both responsible for dealing with them and talking about those situations with each other. We have complete trust in each other so it makes it easier for me to focus my protective role on her safety and nothing else. That way we both get to truly enjoy ourselves.

The best way to get over these hurdles is to continue what you are doing. Continue to think about these things, ask questions and figure them out. Continue to talk with your wife about them. She is likely feeling many of the same things. The more you understand your feelings and talk about them with your wife the better you become at dealing with them. Swinging is tough emotionally, that is why everyone is not cut out for it, but it sounds like you are doing a fine job of figuring things out.

[Alura]

from Oklahoma, Interestedinif! We're glad you've joined us and feel sure you'll find some valuable answers here.

The positive things I see is that y'all have approached swinging with a great deal of care for one another, and that you and your wife had sex two times after your first encounter. (In my opinion, that's one of the major benefits of swinging.) You two have also communicated wonderfully, and are to be congratulated on that alone!

If y'all wish to continue your exploration, I feel you're on safe ground. It takes awhile to become used to any new adventure and swinging is no exception.

Alura

[bi4me2]

(him here)

Just to reiterate a few things already said you guys are new to this and it takes time and a lot of communication to get things where you want them to be. If anyone tells you everything should be perfect from the word go they aren't being honest.

The first time we played was with a single guy and she was worried I was going to be upset, jealous or something else. After he left she asked me several times if I was ok with everything that had just happened and of course I was but she needed to be sure in her mind. In some ways you 'need to be sure' in your mind.

As far as being her protector? Well what guy isn't in some way? No self respecting husband (or mate) wouldn't be ... sorry that's just how most men are wired. It's not being chauvinistic, it's just part of being a loving husband or boyfriend.

I just think you need time to sort out all the new emotions and experiences along with a lot of communication between you and your wife. Pretty sure after some time things will 'ease up' in your mind.

[interestedinif]

Just a quick update, after reading the replies (many, many times). Being a "red" personality created some real issues for me. I think it has come down to the fact that I was worried that the man of the other couple had much, much more experience with other woman. He was very sensual, tender, touching and a very smooth talker. So I was already a little guarded even before things started... and then while he was going down on my wife, she was making a lot of noise, and several times I thought she had cum (from him eating her).

Well, it is very, very seldom that she cums when I am down on her, and then it's a lot of work for both of us. However, she sounds and acts like she is cumming 2 or 3 times in about a 10 minute period (with him down on her). So, I start to think "wow... he's really good... and I must really suck at doing that..." and then being a "red", the competition thing comes into play.

Now, after talking, discussing, talking and more talking, many things have started to change. First, she told me even that night that she didn't cum at all (until she climbed on top of me and fucked me). She was really just trying to get him to move on to something else (which I have asked her to just tell him next time, or touch him or something... not fake cumming). And also that she remembered me saying a long time ago, that if something happened she would REALLY need to be into it for it to be fun for me.

So, it seems I need to work on not being so competitive and just let her have fun and not worry if someone does something better (which I'm sure will happen)... and she needs to communicate better what she wants to the other people in the room instead of pretending to cum...

Things are improving from just a couple days ago, so I guess I'm making progress.

[bi4me2]

Originally Posted by interestedinif

Now, after talking, discussing, talking and more talking, many things have started to change. First, she told me even that night that she didn't cum at all (until she climbed on top of me and fucked me). She was really just trying to get him to move on to something else (which I have asked her to just tell him next time, or touch him or something... not fake cumming). And also that she remembered me saying a long time ago, that if something happened she would REALLY need to be into it for it to be fun for me.

So, it seems I need to work on not being so competitive and just let her have fun and not worry if someone does something better (which I'm sure will happen)... and she needs to communicate better what she wants to the other people in the room instead of pretending to cum...

Things are improving from just a couple days ago, so I guess I'm making progress.

There you go .... see how great all that communication works!

So stop second guessing yourself and your abilities, if you sucked in bed your wife might have mentioned it by now. (as is now obvious to you you don't)


Or to quote one of my all time favorite movie lines:

"stop with the negative waves Moriarty, it's a mother lovin beautiful tank"

[Coupleerotic22]

Ditto what bi4me2 said. Communication is the key.

We are both very competitive as well. But we have taken the opportunity to turn that into a positive.

First, sometimes, particularly the first time out or even with a new playmate, the excitement of something new heightens the pleasure for both of you. Embrace it, it is fun!!!

Second, you may eventually run into playmates that are better than you at some particular thing. Maybe better is not the right word, but do something different than you. Being something new, it feels great for her/you. So, both my wife and I have turned our competitive natures into an opportunity to learn. If one of our playmates is really good at something, we tell each other about it and incorporate it into our sex lives. First, it is a great turn on that someone else rocked her world. Second, what used to be a great sex life has turned into a super sex life for the two of us.

TO quote Kelly "Well we're all nuts, or we wouldn't be here! " - but Oddball does have the best lines in that movie! A classic.

[lardub]

I have to state this thread is very close to how are swing life is, and how I feel in certain situations and the answers are very well thought out have to remember to show this to the little woman.

[lizandtom]

Interestedinif, not much to add aside what has already been written. It's normal in the beginning to question whether another guy is doing your wife better than you, but two things come to mind:

1. You both are there for variety so others will do things differently than you that may trigger and unleash something erotic for your wife; that's the point of why you both are there to begin with. After some time and experiences you'll be able to relax and enjoy more of that too.

2. Be VERY careful not to divert too much attention from the partner you are with. While you, at this point, are focused on whether your wife is getting better sex with someone else (self stated alpha male competitiveness), you have someone that could get hurt feelings if they think they don't turn you on because you're not paying attention to them.

[interestedinif]

I wanted to share an update on my situation with everyone. We talked and talked about feelings, emotions, concerns, etc. for the last two weeks. At the same time, we continued to find new playmates. As time passed, I was much more at ease and most of the anxiety was gone.

Last night was only our 2nd encounter... but can I say OH MY GOD.

This was a couple we met for drinks and hit it off pretty well... we then went to a hotel and had the most amazing time. Everything was perfect. I was 100% OK with everything, and I made sure that my playmate had the time of her life. It really was what we had "pictured" this LS being... from the initial contact, to the emails, to meeting for drinks, to playing.

Needless to say, we are thrilled about the future we have to look forward to now...

[Cajun2Step]

The first time we played was a FMF with me the lucky guy in the middle. There was a little jealousy on Lady C2S part as the other female was a close friend who was several years younger than us. Lady C2S could not figure out why the very good looking younger lady wanted to play with a mature couple(in reality the male half of the couple) that was just younger than her parents. Actually it was not jealousy but anxiety that I would find the youth of our playmate more desirable than she. Nothing could have been further from the reality of the situation. After many hours of talking and reliving the situations we had experienced she came to the realization that was not the situation at all. We always finished with each other at that time no matter how much interaction took place with the other female.

As stated in other posts....communication, communication, communication is the secret to the lifestyle.

[Trace Ekies]

Remember...it's just sex with the others...

Trace