Am I overreacting to my wife's response after she played alone?

[Lexcpl]

Hello figured this would be the perfect place to turn to for un-biased help. My wife & I have been in the lifestylefor a few years now and have had our ups & downs in it. She has permission to play with guys as long as we discuss it prior to anything. Recently she started expressing interest in a younger co -worker and wediddiscuss it and she had the go ahead. She has had the fantasy of playing in our bed with another man (which we have never done) then we would enjoy each other afterwards. I wasnt reallykeen on thisidea but seeing how hot it made her we decided that ifshe ever did she would call me sothat I could listen and not feel so left out, Kinda wierd I know.
Last week I was getting ready to leave for work and she said she was going to bed. So a couple of hrs later she txt me and told me that he was coming over and wanted to know if it was ok, admit I was kinda shocked as it was unexpected andI thought she was asleep. I told her ok since he was already on his way there and she said dont worry Ill still call you if we even do anything. He arrived around 130 am and I didnt hear from her till around 3am when she txt me. I asked her how it was going and if she was still going to call me she assured me she would in a few minutes. Round 6am she did call me to tell me that he had just left, when I tried to ask her about not callingme she instantly got mad and hung up. I finallygot ahold of her and told her I just wanted to know why she didnt call me as I felt that she had lied to me jsut to get her way. Now rememeber her callking me was her idea for getting to play in our bed. She became angry and said I would get what I wanted when I got home.
I arrived home about 1 hr after he left< she was fully dressed lying in bed and not really responsive to me. She offered to letme give her oral which I gladly did for about 1 min till she complained that i was doing something wrong, so I adjusted and started again with no response from her at all, and in no time she complained again! Then she just said get up her and lets have sex. I felt rushed and kinda upset becasue she never complains about my oral skills. However this morning it seemed I did nothing right for her. Long story short, I gave up she got pissed and we eneded up fighting. I still havent heard the story yet and she and she when she txts him we always windup arguing.

[Alura]

from Oklahoma, Lexcpl! We're glad you've joined us and hope we're able to help you with this situation.

Have you ever noticed that some folks, when they feel guilty about something they've done, respond by getting angry? My brother's like that.

Frankly, if I were you I'd be pissed. It sounds like you were steamrolled into this one, but you really should have stood your ground considering your reluctance about her using the marital bed.

If your wife continues to get angry when you try to discuss this matter, you've got a problem that will require both of you going back to Square One. You two are going to need to talk this out in depth. Y'all need to find out several things, among them why she was so insistent on using your bed, why that was important to her, why she didn't call, and a lot of other things the good folks on this board will help you with.

I worry that there may be more than lust involved in your wife's new friendship.

Good luck. I hope this is only a snag and not a rift.

Alura

[LikeMinds321]

Swinging isn't new for you and your wife and it sounds like you've had some challenges before. How did you solve those? Hopefully you were both honest with yourself and each other and admitted to what was really bothering you, why you felt hurt/angry/left out, whatever those feelings were, and discussed what you could both do to prevent the upset from happening again.

You gave your wife permission to do what she did. She didn't get you called as immediately as you both had planned and your aftersex wasn't what you expected, but I can see that happening because it's very hard to structure a play outcome, or have a fantasy happen exactly as you envision. Sometimes, when we dwell on the little details we forget to see the big picture.

I would recommend you not try to blame each other, but discuss how this experiment in a new approach to play didn't go as you both expected. I think you both have things on your mind that you haven't honestly shared yet. Blend your energy and come up with a solution, rather than using your energy against each other.



LM

[ClosetSwinger]

WOW.

First of all NO I do NOT think YOU are over reacting AT ALL.

There are some mistakes I see that are JUMPING out at me though.

1. You allowed your wife to do something YOU were uncomfortable with. Did you express to her that IT MADE you uncomfortable when you discussed it? Personally I have a hard time doing something if I KNOW my husband is not comfortable with it. It inhibits me so I would just rather not do it at all, I can't enjoy something if I know in the back of my head my husband is feeling less then good about it. I admire that you decided to let her do it even though you were not comfy, it shows you wanted her to be happy and were thinking of HER before yourself. That makes you a good husband, but you shouldnt put YOUR feelings on the line to make her happy and she shouldn't want you to either.

2. When she sprung it on you, YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID, no, I don't like this being thrown at me out of no where when I am sitting at work and I thought you were sleeping. Maybe another time WHEN I HAVE ADVANCED notice and have time to get used to the idea but not on the sly like this. Whether the guy was on his way or not THAT was not your fault IT WAS HERS to spring it on you like that. All that said I totally understand why you let her do it, your a nice guy. I get it.

SHE KNOWS she manipulated YOU and the situation which is why she IMMEDIATELY got defensive and hung up (which by the way given the circumstances OMG WOULD HAVE SENT ME INTO A TOTAL RAGE if I were you). She knows she was wrong and does not want to face the music. WRONGOLA!

My PERSONAL opinion is that she wanted THIS EXPERIENCE to be ALL her own and did not want you involved (this is JUST my opinion from reading what you have written). Here is what leads me to think that.

1. She waited til you were gone at work to spring this on you.

2. She did not call you during like you had both agreed she would do.

3. She said "you'll get what you want when you come home" and hung up on you. Uhm sorry but that's totally not the best way to put me in the mood....she didn't want to have sex with you. I don't mean to be harsh but the reason I think that is in number four.

4. She critisized your oral skills which she has never had a problem with before. This was manipulation in order to get you to stop doing that and move on to sex to hurry it along, you being the nice guy you are adjusted things and this annoyed her because she just wanted you to stop and get on with it. You felt that she wasn't into it and stopped which ANY NORMAL person would have felt and reacted the same way. It's not hot to have sex with someone that is berating your skills and complaining.

All in all I think it's time FOR A SERIOUS talk with her. I think she was disrespectful to you and I don't like that at all. Disrespecting one another IS NOT what swinging is about. She needs to apologize......bottom line.

[realcplub2]

I concur with Mx Closetswinger

There are all sorts of red flags flying thru out your whole explanation and the way things progressed after she got her way, raises even more.

First and fore most, the taboo of breaking a rule, bringing someone to your "marriage bed".. I know its a corny term, but, its the best way to describe it. We all have our rules, and things we hold just for "us" .. I believe I am reading this correctly.. Go play, just do not do it there..

The fact that she wanted to do that may have any number of reasons chief among them, that she didnt let this younger co worker, know she had permission, there by outting herself, to someone who cna relate that to any and all listeners. BUT regardless of her reasons why, if it made you uncomfortable you needed to say so. Personally the idea of screwing around with someone from work in any capacity is too close for comfort unless you are prepared to out yourselves.

Now I also believe that , its either guilt or something more troubling, emotional feelings forr this other guy. Her reaction to the whole encounter and subsequent reactions can lead to those possible conclusions. Consider the fact that, before they took advantage of the empty bed, they had who knows how long to play grab ass at work, and again, given the every day time spent together, some emotional attachment may have developed, and increased when they finally acted on it.

Now, how to proceed, First avoid arguing .. its not getting you anywhere except fueling more resentment. Second, get her to talk to you honestly about the situation, NOT the blow by blow but, the whole thing. Its the only way to hopefully work thru this sitation. It may be an honest thing she is trying to work thru on her own.. But until you both work it out, its going to be the cause of friction.

Unfortunately, some take the sexploration of swinging, as a free pass. By asking permission and getting it, can lead to feeling as though, you do not care. While it is usually the furthest from the truth, it does happen.

Please use what is offered here as it applies, if it doesnt write it off..

[Lexcpl]

Sorry for all of the typo's in my post, I was using our netbook and it is just so small!! Thank you for the replies and insight especially Mx Closetswinger. I admit that maybe my expectations were a little high with this incident, however I never dreamed that it would turn into a napalm bomb!
We spent the rest of the morning nd most of the day upset and barely talking to each other. When we did finally talk she instantly became mad and accused me of treating her like a robot and was I just mad because she didnt follow orders, then she began screaming and cussing followed with "f*** you".
I admit I was very upset, i felt lied too, manipulated and generally screwed over. I did have negative feelings when she criticized me and I did feel rushed & like i was bothering her. Im sure that most guys would agree that the enjoyment that they recieve is partially from enjoying her after she plays not waiting a week or so then get the readers digest super condensed version of the story. Im not rambling just trying to equalize the story and not try to make me look like the innocent victim.
Since this incident we did spend a few minutes talking about it here and there but nothing extreme. Yet now she has decided that since I acted like a baby and ruined it for her, that now she thinks we should leave the lifestyle and never discuss playing again, thats it shows over, were done! And really im fine with this except that even last night she spent time telling a couple of our female friends who are also in the lifestyle about her experience. Im not suppose to mention swinging at all yet she is still bragging about her experience, I even tried to mention it and instant shut down from her. She even deleted her txts telling one of them about it which makes me wonder exactly what she was telling.
Sorry for the super long and probally boring post but this has caused so much conflict and anger with both of us. I feel like a fool for letting her and I feel evn worse for ruining it for her

[Edison Carter]

Susan here-- You need to get to a really good marriage counselor and Swinging is not for you. I'm surprised her friends have not explained that to her. And, what about this guy who fucked her ? It would seem that he has as much respect for you as she does. Then again, he may have been some 'vanilla' guy who had no idea of your place in all this.

You really need to regroup. And, her saying that Swinging is over, is simply another manipulation for control. She wants to play solo without you. You try and have 'control' by making her talk to you about it and let you listen. She tries to have 'control' by not following through with promises and becoming angry. Not to mention the fact you never met this guy to communicate your expectations. She wants to fuck other guys, she does not want you involved, she cannot grasp it and is getting upset, angry and bragging to friends as a form of control. You have a real mess on your hands.

by the way, you didn't 'feel' lied to you, you were lied to . You were manipulated and screwed over. Yet, let me say this too: You baked this cake too. Just because you agree to 'terms and conditions' does not mean they are correct ones for the people involved. It is inappropriate to ask something of someone that they cannot do. Typically, only a mind in conflict lies and she is very conflicted. Hence the need for a good counselor.

[ClosetSwinger]

I agree with Edison....SHE WANTS TO CONTROL EVERYTHING. She wants to play alone...and I assume she realizes you would not agree to that SO she manipulates things to get her way.

RED....BLAZING RED FLAG.

YOU did nothing wrong here. Let me say it again YOU ARE NOT IN THE WRONG...SHE IS. The fact that she told you NO MORE and is bragging to her friends....yeh...total disrespect in the worst way.

Swinging should definitely stop and counseling should start.

Good luck to you!.

[bbarnsworth]

Wow. Ever store in the nation that sells red flags just sold out.



It's possible to go over this with a fine tooth comb and start blaming each other left and right. That won't help anything. This is a bad situation, and it has to be shutdown. Period. Then you can start recovering from it. First, insist that she's done with this guy, and any other guy, until the two of you get this worked out and you're back on an even keel. That's not controlling; that's focusing on your marriage. You can't swing if you're not coming from a stable base. Any additional swinging is just going to make this worse. Guaranteed.

Imagine saying this: "Ok, we both made mistakes, the situation is/was bad, and we need to move forward. We can't do that by picking over the carcass of this bad decision. Can we agree to stop swinging until we get ourselves back to a stable, happy place? Even if we don't talk at length now, can we just make that step?"

This is also a situation where we're getting a lot of input from one side, but the other side most emphatically has a different view and we're not getting that side. Could she post here please?

[richdon03]

You were not over-reacting at all. What your wife did was reprehensible!

It's crystal clear. She was cheating. That meeting was just for her and she resented having to share that moment with you. That explains the failure to call, the "you'll get what you want when you get home," the criticism of your oral skills, etc. She wanted to have sex with the guy alone and sharing the experience with you took that experience (the one she had hoped for) away and she resented you for intruding on what she felt was her's alone. You are not over-reacting at all. In fact, I think you under-reacted. If I were you, I'd want to know if something more is afoot. My guess is that, if she didn't get what she was looking for on that occasion, she'll repeat it.

What bothers me the most is her insistence on using your marriage bed. That points to some undisclosed issues. That encounter seemed to be a personal affront to you or a sign that, maybe, she resents the lifestyle.

[sweet_tna]

Originally Posted by Lexcpl

Hello figured this would be the perfect place to turn to for un-biased help.

It is, and welcome.

My wife & I have been in the lifestylefor a few years now and have had our ups & downs in it. She has permission to play with guys as long as we discuss it prior to anything. Recently she started expressing interest in a younger co -worker and wediddiscuss it and she had the go ahead.

So far, so good—though personally, I’m not a fan of messing around with coworkers or vanilla friends.

She has had the fantasy of playing in our bed with another man (which we have never done) then we would enjoy each other afterwards. I wasnt reallykeen on thisidea but seeing how hot it made her we decided that ifshe ever did she would call me sothat I could listen and not feel so left out, Kinda wierd I know.

No, it’s not weird for you to want your wife to have the opportunity to live out a fantasy of hers and for her to want to keep you involved somehow. It’s called being a loving spouse.

Last week I was getting ready to leave for work and she said she was going to bed. So a couple of hrs later she txt me and told me that he was coming over and wanted to know if it was ok, admit I was kinda shocked as it was unexpected andI thought she was asleep. I told her ok since he was already on his way there and she said dont worry Ill still call you if we even do anything.

Hmm . . . This sounds a little suspicious, and you probably shoulda’ followed your gut and said no to this one. But it sounds like you’re giving her the benefit of the doubt, which is admirable. And offering to call is a good move on her part, since it’s what ya’ll had agreed upon in these situations.

He arrived around 130 am and I didnt hear from her till around 3am when she txt me. I asked her how it was going and if she was still going to call me she assured me she would in a few minutes. Round 6am she did call me to tell me that he had just left, when I tried to ask her about not callingme she instantly got mad and hung up. I finallygot ahold of her and told her I just wanted to know why she didnt call me as I felt that she had lied to me jsut to get her way. Now rememeber her callking me was her idea for getting to play in our bed. She became angry and said I would get what I wanted when I got home.

Okay, I see a big ole’ red flag here! She not only failed to call but had the nerve to get ticked at you for asking why she didn’t do what she promised to do?!? And the comment about getting what you want when you get home is just downright bitchy.

I arrived home about 1 hr after he left< she was fully dressed lying in bed and not really responsive to me. She offered to letme give her oral which I gladly did for about 1 min till she complained that i was doing something wrong, so I adjusted and started again with no response from her at all, and in no time she complained again! Then she just said get up her and lets have sex. I felt rushed and kinda upset becasue she never complains about my oral skills. However this morning it seemed I did nothing right for her. Long story short, I gave up she got pissed and we eneded up fighting. I still havent heard the story yet and she and she when she txts him we always windup arguing.

Danger Will Robinson, danger!!! It’s bad enough that she obviously didn’t wanna’ have sex with you when ya’ got home (and bless your heart for trying), but to ream you out like that and try to make it your fault. Can we say DEFENSIVE??? You have every reason to be upset, ‘cause all signs are pointing to a hidden agenda on her part.

Ya’ll need to pull the rip cord on any swinging activities for the time being. You need to work through what’s happened here and focus on each other for a bit. I sincerely hope that ya’ll are able to work this out. Best of luck to you, and please keep us posted.

[naughtyus74]

I would only say never agree to something you are not really comfortable with in the first place. If you feel pressured into it in any way you will most likely end up regretting it.

As far as what happened, she clearly didn't keep her end of the bargain. But then it is also difficult to know everything that transpired that may have made doing everything you discussed easy to accomplish for her. I would just say talk it out. If you both feel bothered by everything that happened then you need to clear the air about it.

[mikeandjenn2001]

I don't feel that you're over-reacting at all. You were kind of pressured into the situation as it was unexpected. Jen and I have discussed the possibility of doing the same thing, but for all we've talked, we've only had one rule come up that is common. We have both agreed never in our bed. That is just for us or if we are playing with anybody together.

[it'sso]

Lexcpl,
I'll probably get shot down for this, but my suggestion is that if you aren't getting the same freedom to play alone that she is requesting, you should insist on getting it.
Once she gets a chance to be left in the dark on events concerning your fun time, she will quickly come to see the error of her ways in dealing with you.
My Opinion Only

[bi4me2]

Originally Posted by it'sso

Lexcpl,
I'll probably get shot down for this, but my suggestion is that if you aren't getting the same freedom to play alone that she is requesting, you should insist on getting it.
Once she gets a chance to be left in the dark on events concerning your fun time, she will quickly come to see the error of her ways in dealing with you.
My Opinion Only

(her) it'sso, I won't shoot you down for this , but playing tit for tat does not bring about the best results in most situations.

Lexcpl, Just my $.02 but, you're never going to know what the problem is until you can talk with your wife. She might be having such a negative reaction because of guilt. Guilt because she didn't follow through with the boundaries you two set up. Guilt because she felt she betrayed you. Guilt because "she feels dirty", which would also explain the reaction to your skills.

There are two sides to every story and you won't know hers until you talk. Insist on it, talk to her, make sure it doesn't turn into a screaming match and discuss your feelings, both of yours. Communication is key to every successful relationship in or out of the LS.