How do I keep my past swinging horrors from coloring our future?

I was in the lifestyle with my husband for nearly 20 years. I have experienced nearly every situation imaginable, and a few that were totally nightmarish. For the most part, i enjoyed the lifestyle, as long as I was mostly in control, ie; I chose the partners we had and if I said no, then nothing happened, etc.

My problem is now, i am in love with another man, after divorcing the hubby. I told this new man about my former lifestyle, mostly to be honest and open, not to turn him on to the lifestyle. I have recently discovered that this lifestyle was a major deciding factor in his interest in me.

Some bad things happened during the former lifestyle that left permanent scars (I was brutally raped by one partner...long story there). I also told the new guy about this incident. However, I have found lout that he still wants to experience some of the lifestyle, but he won't say what parts (or can't say, because he has no frame of reference for it). I am not upset that he wants to explore his fantasies, but I am afraid to relive all the old pains I know will come while he/we are going through the exploration process.

I deeply love this man, and I am willing to go back into the lifestyle to please him. How do i keep my past horrors from coloring his and my future? He is a very jealous man, by the way, and I know he will not like seeing me with any other men. This leads me to the believe he really only wants to have threesomes with other females.

Sorry for the long message. I need HELP!!

[LagniappeDC]

We'll be frank in saying that it is hard to make specific comments because we don't have the same frame of reference in dealing with any of the experiences you describe. What does strike us, however, is that you need to take care of yourself. You have been through a lot. Our recommendation would be to put this relationship on hold, put any thought of getting back into the lifestyle on hold, and find a good therapist. It sounds as if you really need a qualified, independent person that you can speak to and work through old issues and then potential new ones (including the fact that you describe your potential new love interest as jealous - alarm bells!). We wish you the best of luck, but remember, you need to put yourself first!

[Alura]

If the lifestyle is the main catalyst prompting his interest in you, he is not interested enough, at this point, to develop a strong and communicative relationship. Without that, marriage (and certainly swinging) will not endure.

Jealousy is not a permanent disability. It can be changed with education. That is, your friend must realize that he needn't be jealous if he is absolutely sure that he won't lose you. Both of you must work on this issue... together.

It seems there is a lot you don't know about your man so far. Go slowly in this relationship and learn. You must know what he wants from the lifestyle. Ask him a lot of questions that can't be answered with "yes" or "no." Example: "How do you feel about ......?"

My late wife and I made an agreement on our second date that we would never become angry when a question was asked and we'd always answer it as completely as possible, even if it took a long time. It worked for us for thirty years.

I hope the rapist went to jail for a long time.

Good Luck!
Alura

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by DunThisB4

I deeply love this man, and I am willing to go back into the lifestyle to please him. How do i keep my past horrors from coloring his and my future? He is a very jealous man, by the way, and I know he will not like seeing me with any other men. This leads me to the believe he really only wants to have threesomes with other females.

There's a stock answer in the lifestyle which I'm sure you know; if you're playing in the lifestyle to please your significant other, you're doing it for the wrong reasons.

This is deeper than that of course. But, there's still sage advice in there. What is your primary motivation in considering going back into the lifestyle? If your interest level is strong again, then I think the primary obstacle here is how to reconcile your past horrible experiences, and get to a place where those experiences do not color your current and future life. That's hard. Very hard. I'm with LagniappeDC on that. A professional therapist can really help here. I think this is all separate from the concerns about the man you love.

I don't think anyone should be engaging in the lifestyle until they are ready to do so. This is regardless of their SOs/spouses. I think you have a lot of work to do before you're at that point. A lot. That's not a failing on your part in any respect. Just an observation.

If your SO's main reason (you didn't say that; but major deciding factor) for getting together with you was because he thought he could be in the lifestyle with you, some major re-think of the foundation of your relationship is in order.

[realcplub2]

Quite Right. BBARNSWORTH!!

I would encourage the poster to register, if only to allow those that feel writing to you directly would be better than posting.

First and foremost, be honest with YOURSELF. obviously, your experience within the lifestyle is unique, and has the horrific events that have occurred. Despite any good times, the bad certainly over powers the good. Is this something you actually WANT to do, or as has been pointed out, are you taking one for the benefit of this man you are so enamored? And, knowing all of this, what does it say about HIM? And his feelings for you?

The Devils advocate would say, since you have had such horrific experiences, you would know where the pitfalls are, but, I would suggest that, at the very least, you and he aren’t on the same page.

Its your choice to proceed or not, but, PLEASE do so on YOUR TERMS, and FOR YOUR BENEFIT, not anyone else's

[naughtyus74]

If he truly loves you he will not NEED anything promised or implied but that he will be with you. Considering all you have been through, if you don't think you ever want to go there again you should just tell him. If you have built your relationship on love and respect he will accept it.