Wife doesn't want to talk to me about our play with friends...

[Newbie_Guy]

I’m very excited about the fantastic Saturday my wife and I had with some close friends. I won’t go into detail as this first post could easily become a novel but I do need to give some background information.

A few years ago my wife and I went for dinner and drinks with another couple we’re close with. A little bit too much to drink and just the perfect storm of a night lead to my wife having her first bisexual experience with our friend. The guys just watched watched in awe as our beautiful wives had sex.

The next day I was floating on cloud nine. Telling my wife it was the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. She really seemed to take a step back. Weeks later she told me it really bothered her and it wouldn’t happen again. I was disappointed but really didn’t push at all. Although I have brought it up from time to time she always shot the idea down instantly.

This past weekend we had the same couple over. They came over early in the day and we enjoyed it sitting by the pool. Again we were drinking… We ended up sun tanning nude. Things progressed! This isn’t a first time story post but some of the things that happened are: I fingered both women at the same time, both women performed oral sex on both the men at the same time, both women went “skiing” (lol, masturbated both men at the same time), my friend went down on my wife and the girls had sex including oral and the use of many sex toys. The strange thing is we didn’t move to a bedroom or commit to anything. Things just kept happening all day and evening long. One of the women would give the other guy (not husband) a BJ for five or so minutes and that would end and then nothing would happen for a half hour until the next thing just happened??? The only thing that really went on was when the two girls had sex. They once again put on a hell of a show!

So here lies my question. Last time I acted all excited. I actually thought my wife would want to hear how sexy she was, how turned on I was and most of all how much I loved her. That only seemed to make things worse. So this time I never said a word the next day. We went to grandmas to pick our little one up and everything is just fine. I did bring up the weekend Monday night. All I asked was if she had fun last weekend and she said ya, it was a fun weekend.

So do I just leave it? I’m already hoping it’s not two years until our next encounter. Having said that, if that’s all she’s comfortable with I’ll take it because wow, wow… wow! Should I just leave things be or do any of you have any advice on how to broach this subject with kid gloves. I want to get together with the other couple again yesterday, but I don't want to pull the emergency break again!

Sorry for such a long post!

[SW_PA_Couple]

Hello, Newbie_Guy, and allow me to extend a warm welcome to you. I doubt that anything you could describe would allow me to go into your wife's mind. But it does strikes me that alcohol was the facilitator for both intimate encounters. Do you think this fact contributed to the regret she expressed on the day following? Would the intimacy work with these friends if no alcohol was involved?

If you approach swinging wisely, it will reward you nicely. You have now found The Swingersboard. Has your wife found it too? Might be worthwhile for her to know that the swing lifestyle is entirely "normal".

~Michael

[Alura]

from Oklahoma, Newbie Guy!

Congratulations on a great experience. I wish y'all more in the future.

I think you have an opportunity to really increase your ease of communication with your wife, and the other couple involved. Communication is what will move y'all forward; lack of it will keep you on pens and needles. To begin with, I'd suggest you ask your wife, "Sweetheart, how do you feel about the experience with Tom and Mary?"

Good luck, and keep us posted.

BTW, I agree that it would be a good thing if you brought your wife to this Board to do some research. The folks who hang out here are wonderfully willing to help answer these questions.

Alura

[ClosetSwinger]

Sounds like an exciting day! That is how we started actually with some close friends, too much alcohol one night and wow..it's just snowballed from there.

Anyway!

Your wife probably is feeling confused, guilty, excited, aroused, confused and then guilty again. That's how I felt in the beginning. For me though it DID help when hubby told me how hot it was and how much he liked watched etc. She may just be feeling awkward about it and that is why she isn't talking.

I would sit down with her and just ask how she felt about what happened throughout the day. It's important to communicate with each other and she needs to open up. Don't be pushy, just ease into the conversation. Just tell her you want to know what's going on in her head. Assure her you want to make sure SHE is okay with everything that happened (that possibly is an issue maybe she went farther then she was ready for or saw you doing something she didn't feel comfortable with but is having a hard time telling you?).

Good luck and I hope things work out well for you guys!

[lizandtom]

Originally Posted by ClosetSwinger

I would sit down with her and just ask how she felt about what happened throughout the day. It's important to communicate with each other and she needs to open up. Don't be pushy, just ease into the conversation. Just tell her you want to know what's going on in her head. Assure her you want to make sure SHE is okay with everything that happened (that possibly is an issue maybe she went farther then she was ready for or saw you doing something she didn't feel comfortable with but is having a hard time telling you?).

Perfect advice. To add to it, DO NOT show your 'overly excited' side; in the lifestyle, that just comes off as creepy to women (and only cool to your beer drinking single guy friends). Play it cool and as Closet said, gently ask her what's going on in her head, but leave it at that if she doesn't feel like talking. At the minimum she know's you're there for when she does feel like talking which is brownie points for you in and of itself.

[LagniappeDC]

Agreed with all the above advice. Worst thing you can do is avoid the subject. Find a quiet time where you can both talk without distraction. Without being pushy or overly anxious, state that you enjoyed the time with your friends and you would like to know how she feels. Explain that you have no judgement, and the event doesn't mean that you expect it to happen again.

At some point, you will want to have the discussion with your friends. That can either be one to one or as a foursome. You definitely want to get things out in the open so that everyone is on the same page and you avoid hurting the friendship.

Good luck!

[Newbie_Guy]

Sorry about starting a new thread. For some reason I’m not able to respond in my own thread. I get a message saying I do not have permission to post in this thread. It’s strange because I am able to add a reply to any other thread. I did want to post an update and respond to the advice I was given so Moderator please feel free to merge this thread into the other one.

As far as drinking goes I’m sure it didn’t hurt. I know their first experience definitely fueled by heavy drinking. Everyone was pretty much bombed. This second time it wasn’t nearly as big of a factor. For one thing we started playing early afternoon. We had all had drinks and I’m sure everyone was buzzing a little but I know for sure nobody was drunk until late in the evening. Hours after the playing was in full swing, pardon the pun. The second thing that makes me think alcohol wasn’t a huge factor this time is my wife made a comment that she didn't feel very good on Sunday. I asked if she was hung over and she said no, she wasn't very drunk last night. She said she thinks she got too much sun.

Yesterday after the little guy went down we had the chance to talk. I asked her if she felt guilty like last time and she said no, not at all. I asked if she enjoyed herself and she said ya, it was fun. She gave me a quick smile and started talking about something going on at her work.

I believe she’s just the type of person that doesn’t like to go over things and over things. She told me she’s fine with it, she said she had fun, she's been acting totally normal, in fact she seems to be in very good spirits so I think I’ll just leave it be. I have no reason to doubt what she's saying. Everyone says listen to your spouse. She's saying it's all good so?

Like many people here have said before me, after our friends went home we fucked in our family room like we were 18 years old. We were so into each other.

Maybe in a month or so I’ll buy her a quality harness for her sex toys. Just a not so subtle way of saying if the wind were to blow that way again I’m ok with it.

Then I'll show her this thread (these boards)!

Thanks for the advice.

[JustAskJulie]

New Guy - you weren't able to respond to your thread (or others) because you haven't completed your registration. Please check your email and follow the instructions in the email you received from us on how to confirm your email address and complete your registration. Once you do this you'll be able to reply to thread. In the meantime, your posts will have to be approved and then the moderators will merge them as necessary.

[SW_PA_Couple]

Originally Posted by Newbie_Guy

Sorry about starting a new thread. For some reason I’m not able to respond in my own thread. .

Hopefully you have already responded to the e-mail message that was sent to you asking you to confirm you e-mail address. Sometimes the confirmation happens within minutes; other times a day or two is needed. After you are confirmed, you will be able to post messages anywhere.

~Michael

[Newbie_Guy]

All is working fine. Thanks JustAskJulie!

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by Newbie_Guy

I believe she’s just the type of person that doesn’t like to go over things and over things.

Honest, forthright, open communication is a hallmark of successful swinging couples. I'll say that upfront, and allow me to expand further...

Your first post made me think that you were presenting things to your wife, rather than presenting opportunities for her to talk. The result was not what you hoped for; you thought your wife would like to hear x,y,z, and instead go the reverse of the intended effect. Oops. That wasn't the mistake though. The mistake was presuming you knew what your wife wanted Women and men think very differently. Even though I've been with my wife for many, many years I don't presume I know what she's thinking. Certainly never on something of import.

Your wife isn't apparently the type that likes to talk much about such subjects. That can be difficult vis-a-vis swinging. It's great that you all had so much fun, and it appears alcohol wasn't such a factor the second time. Wonderful...but...just acting in the future without lots of talk between you is very likely going to cause problems. Do what you can to communicate, not talk at, but COMMUNICATE with your wife. Listen, with huge ears. Do less talking and encourage her to reveal her innermost thoughts. Make sure she understands that anything is fair game, and nothing is threatening or fearful.

You need to cross this communication bridge.

Originally Posted by Newbie_Guy

Then I'll show her this thread (these boards)!

THEN you'll show her?

Why wait? Get her on board in all respects. Start working on swinging as a team, not as two players trying to work out the right solution independently of each other.

Your description of the pool side events sounds like it was very, very sexy by the way. I hope you have many repeat encounters! But, be patient. It's frequently the case that men want to bullrush ahead. Women, including the wife of the other couple, often want to move slower. Patience. Patience.

[Newbie_Guy]

Thanks for the responce bbarnsworth.

What I don’t want to do is come across as pushing her. I do want to have additional swinging experiences with her but don’t really care if I don’t. Does that make sense? If I keep pushing her to talk this through will I not come across as pushing her in general?

In everyday life we communicate very well. We work through decisions for our household as a team.

I’ll wait until this weekend. We’ll sit in the hot tub and I’ll try to get a dialog going with her again. I seriously believe she’s all good with what happened. I’m certain of that. But I’m not certain where I stand. By that I mean I did things with the other female half. I used a toy on her, fingered her and sucked on her tits. She blew me and jerked me. I did not perform oral on her and I did not fuck her. I agree we need to clear this up. I’m ok with her having sex with both of our friends. Because we haven’t discussed it I’m not sure my wife is ok with me fucking the other women. I’m sure assumptions have no place in swinging. Just because I’m ok with her doing something doesn’t mean she’d be ok with me. Just because she’s ok with seeing me get a blow job, I can’t assume she’s ok with me performing oral sex on the other women.

So I agree, more communication is needed!

Oh and I wasn’t being too serious when I said I’d show her this post after. By after I was referring to getting her a harness. I was just sort of trying to be funny.

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by Newbie_Guy

Thanks for the responce bbarnsworth.

What I don’t want to do is come across as pushing her. I do want to have additional swinging experiences with her but don’t really care if I don’t. Does that make sense? If I keep pushing her to talk this through will I not come across as pushing her in general?

Hard to say. You know your wife better than any of us do. I know in my own experience with my wife, that we talked about it a lot before swinging, doing so in as open a manner as possible. There was no expectation that we would swing, just that we were talking about it. It was a mutual decision to swing, but nobody pushed anybody. We just opened doors and considered "what if?"

Originally Posted by Newbie_Guy

In everyday life we communicate very well. We work through decisions for our household as a team.

Many couples have great communication skills until it comes to sex, fantasy, etc. These are often innermost desires, and many of them tread in areas deemed socially unacceptable. There's other pressure too to not reveal fantasies. It's important to lay a ground work of complete trust, and complete safety in anything she reveals; no negative response, just loving sharing.

Originally Posted by Newbie_Guy

I’ll wait until this weekend. We’ll sit in the hot tub and I’ll try to get a dialog going with her again. I seriously believe she’s all good with what happened. I’m certain of that. But I’m not certain where I stand.

Communication clears this up.

"I know you've expressed that you're happy with everything that happened last weekend. I am too. I think it was wonderful, and a lot of fun. Whether we do something like that again or not, I'd like to make sure we're on the same page on this. It's a lot of fun, but I don't ever want to find ourselves in a situation where either of us is doing something the other does not want. I'm not suggesting we are going to do something, but rather that if we're going to do something, I think we should discuss this in great depth"

Originally Posted by Newbie_Guy

I’m sure assumptions have no place in swinging. Just because I’m ok with her doing something doesn’t mean she’d be ok with me. Just because she’s ok with seeing me get a blow job, I can’t assume she’s ok with me performing oral sex on the other women.

Yep. A lot of times you'll see people talking of balance in swinging; if what is good for the goose isn't good for the gander, then you shouldn't be doing it. Regardless, any assumptions in this regard is a recipe for disaster. You might be perfectly fine with your wife having sex with the other husband, and your wife might be very jazzed at the idea and fantasizing about it. But, she might not be in a place where she's even considered the thought of you having sex with the other wife. If the scenario arose where you're all at the pool again and she's having sex with him and you and the other wife start going at it...and no discussion has happened between the two of you about this...it could be rather drama explosive.

Originally Posted by Newbie_Guy

Oh and I wasn’t being too serious when I said I’d show her this post after. By after I was referring to getting her a harness. I was just sort of trying to be funny.

Get her the harness I think she'll have fun with it, especially with the other wife. But, before doing that I'd have that discussion, and perhaps many more, to make sure you're both on the same page. Even then, being on the same page doesn't mean you're ready for another encounter. Discuss, discuss, discuss.

Every couple has a different dynamic. For my wife and I, we discussed it every day (literally) for about two months. Then we had our first experience. That worked well for us. Your dynamic might be that a little discussion goes a long way. But, not having discussion will cause harm eventually.

[Newbie_Guy]

Ummmm bbarnsworth, you really need to join us in the hot tub! Thanks so much for the advice. It's what I was looking for and more.

Are cheat notes permitted?

[ViSexual]

I know, I know..., it's all about communication. But, some people just don't want to talk about it. Maybe she's one.

And, if she's that way, she might not appreciate you posting all of this here. So, I don't know if it would be wise to show her this thread.

She's said she enjoyed herself and has no guilt, right? Maybe you should just leave it there. I'd be like you in wanting to know more but it might be best to keep quiet about it and just let her know you're happy.

And, about you having sex with the other wife? Well, let you wife lead and do only what she's doing with the other husband.

One other thing you might think about is talking to the other couple and thinking about letting the other wife talk to your wife to find out what boundaries, if any, your wife would like.