I feel the friendship is gone...and the guy used my wife

[NH603]

So my wife and I had a good swinging relationship with another couple. After a year the sex and friendship stopped on their end. No time from them, they had prior plans, couldnt see us, etc. So for the past 8 months since we saw them last, they never made 1 attempt to contact us. Even as friends. No problem, we get the hint.

My wife ended up going to a party where we knew they would be there via mutual friends. No problem, and I stayed home with the kids. Well my wife got tipsy and she had sex with the husband.

Now if we had a normal health swinging relationship and there was an existing relationship, this wouldnt even phase me. In fact, I would be asking for some 1 on 1 time with his wife. But where they refused to do anything with us or even contact us for so long, I feel as though the guy was just using my wife. My wife disagrees as she still thinks there is a friend ship there for all 4 of us. No, there are no thoughts of cheating here. We both work from home so I see/hear everything.

I am livid. When we starting swinging, we all agreed it would be just between all of us. I know for a fact that they are now open swingers. I just feel if the sex and friend ship is gone and they wont communicate with us, why should any of us have sex with each other without talking about what had been going on for 8 months?

Thoughts?

[Rivertour]

Of course it is a matter of "to each their own". I'm not sure if we would have went to a party inidvidually. Open swinging leads to more opportunity to strain relationships with whole new sets of issues. This issue sounds minor or course, but a couple that plays together, stays together in our book. So much less second guessing if you are both there. IMHO of course.

[it'sso]

I think it best that your wife not drink alcohol at parties where you aren't present.
The guy was just being what he is. Your problem is with your wife.
my opinion only

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by NH603

I am livid.

Are you mad at anyone in particular, or everyone involved in the situation?

[NH603]

I am upset at my wife, but we will move on.

I am upset with the other guy because he just took advantage of a drunk situation. The original agreement and ground rules was a monogamous relationship founded in friendship. Friendship is long gone, at least to any decent level aside the occasional group party twice a year. He is swinging with others. So if everything we set for ground rules no longer exists, why should anyone be having sex with each other?

I appreciate the replys here. Just so confusing.

[Alura]

I think there's far too much going on here to decide just what the problem may be, although I do agree that alcohol is at least part of the problem.

Have y'all asked the other couple why they have been so scarce for the past eight months? It's amazing what can be learned by asking.

Also, I believe the downside of swinging with just one other couple can lead to boredom after a while. That's the way we did it, but I'm reminded of a time when driving home after a playdate I asked Mrs. Alura, "How was the sex tonight?"

"Just like ol' married folks," she replied. "I came and was ready to go to sleep." That may be the reason they've not called.

Alura

[two4youinswva]

Do I understand this correctly, that the four of you were in an exclusive swinging relationship, with no swinging outside the foursome?

If so, did your wife go to the party with the hopes of seeing this couple and find out what was going on with the long absence?

[LFM2]

Like was said before, alcohol should be a no-no in swinging. It's so easy for stuff to happen when drinking and inhibitions are so low. Even though they had sex, it's really funny that she didn't say anything to them about no contact for so long.

I can truly see why you'd be livid, but, in our swinging lives, if one can't go the other doesn't leave, either. This is just one of our policies. We just don't go anywhere without the other. It's worked for us. I've told him to go to parties alone, but he won't. We've just become like one person when it comes to swinging.

I have no advice for you, but maybe you could call your friend and ask him why they've been shy for so many months and that you heard, from your wife, they were at the party and they hooked up. I'd love hear his response. I don't have a problem asking questions among friends. Maybe there is a shred of life when it comes to reviving your relationship between you guys -- I don't know. Hopefully, things work out with you two. Fix that first before you go swinging again.

Good luck!!

[sweet_tna]

Here's the thing. You're asking if you should be upset, but you already know that you are. What you should or shouldn't feel is irrelevant and you now need to deal with what is.

What I'm getting out of your post is that you had an exclusive arrangement with this other couple, and for one reason or another, they more or less disappeared. This, I think, is issue number one. Despite your claim that it's, "no problem," I think their withdrawl bothered you. And that's fine, if you'd been able to talk to them and find out what was going on.

The next issue to arise is that your wife attended a party at which she knew this other couple would be present. Why did she go? Do you two typically attend parties/play separately? If you had no issues with her going to the party, even knowing the other couple would be there, what were your expectations for her at this party?

And of course, that your wife drank too much is another problem. It's never a good idea to drink a lot at a lifestyle party in the first place, but especially if your partner isn't with you. That said, are you sure it's a matter of her drinking too much? I mean, if it were me who ran into a couple that dropped us like a hot potato, the first thing I'd be doing is asking what the heck happened, not hopping into the sack with him . . .

And if this couple are open swingers now, then what else could be expected of him/them? I grant you, if your wife was tipsy, they should have avoided play, but unless she was obviously drunk, then they might not have realized that she was crossing a line.

Last, but not least, I have to ask with whom are you angry? Him for taking advantage of your wife? Your wife for having sex with him? Whichever it is, I hope you're able to get things sorted through.

[NH603]

Originally Posted by LFM2

Like was said before, alcohol should be a no-no in swinging. It's so easy for stuff to happen when drinking and inhibitions are so low. Even though they had sex, it's really funny that she didn't say anything to them about no contact for so long.

I can truly see why you'd be livid, but, in our swinging lives, if one can't go the other doesn't leave, either. This is just one of our policies. We just don't go anywhere without the other. It's worked for us. I've told him to go to parties alone, but he won't. We've just become like one person when it comes to swinging.

I have no advice for you, but maybe you could call your friend and ask him why they've been shy for so many months and that you heard, from your wife, they were at the party and they hooked up. I'd love hear his response. I don't have a problem asking questions among friends. Maybe there is a shred of life when it comes to reviving your relationship between you guys -- I don't know. Hopefully, things work out with you two. Fix that first before you go swinging again.

Good luck!!

I tried to call him, a few times. No response to texts either. I eventually face booked a message, which I didnt want to do, but I had to vent after 12 hours. His wife responded only stating she thought were were friends because we have been invited to some group parties they offered. They apparently they apparently think this friendship.

Why they dont want to be with us? Not 100 % sure, but who knows. They are extremely social people and slightly younger than us with no kids. ( mid 30's vs 28 ). Regardless of the reason, the fact is the friendship is nothing like it was.

[NH603]

Originally Posted by two4youinswva

Do I understand this correctly, that the four of you were in an exclusive swinging relationship, with no swinging outside the foursome?

If so, did your wife go to the party with the hopes of seeing this couple and find out what was going on with the long absence?

100 % exclusive, and they were the ones to suggest it & we welcomed it. I doubt she went there to talk to them about it. My wife doesnt exactly view the friendship the same way I do. She thinks they are good friends even though they ignore us because they are "cool" when together and very friendly.

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by NH603

100 % exclusive, and they were the ones to suggest it & we welcomed it. I doubt she went there to talk to them about it.

So, what was your wife's reason for going to the party solo? Just for the social aspect, or was she looking to hook up?

[NH603]

Originally Posted by sweet_tna

Here's the thing. You're asking if you should be upset, but you already know that you are. What you should or shouldn't feel is irrelevant and you now need to deal with what is.

What I'm getting out of your post is that you had an exclusive arrangement with this other couple, and for one reason or another, they more or less disappeared. This, I think, is issue number one. Despite your claim that it's, "no problem," I think their withdrawl bothered you. And that's fine, if you'd been able to talk to them and find out what was going on.

Sure, we both liked them. They were good people. I do miss them, but I am the type that can and move on. To many levels, I have... but this happened and I was already in the "i have moved on phase", so I just didnt expect sex.

The next issue to arise is that your wife attended a party at which she knew this other couple would be present. Why did she go? Do you two typically attend parties/play separately? If you had no issues with her going to the party, even knowing the other couple would be there, what were your expectations for her at this party?

We do go separate, mostly for baby sitting reasons. She went because it was a party with several friends. Expectations were nothing and it was actually brought up. This party was big, many family members and kids were there so it wasnt a thought. But the party went super late, kids left, and things got more TV MA.


And of course, that your wife drank too much is another problem. It's never a good idea to drink a lot at a lifestyle party in the first place, but especially if your partner isn't with you. That said, are you sure it's a matter of her drinking too much? I mean, if it were me who ran into a couple that dropped us like a hot potato, the first thing I'd be doing is asking what the heck happened, not hopping into the sack with him . . .

She doesnt view it the same way as me. She still thinks they were good friends.

And if this couple are open swingers now, then what else could be expected of him/them? I grant you, if your wife was tipsy, they should have avoided play, but unless she was obviously drunk, then they might not have realized that she was crossing a line.

Last, but not least, I have to ask with whom are you angry? Him for taking advantage of your wife? Your wife for having sex with him? Whichever it is, I hope you're able to get things sorted through.

I hope so, but I am upset at him and my wife. I do have to blame myself here to some degree. I didnt specifically state to her, hey, if you get a chance to have sex I would prefer that you didnt. But I am upset at him. The exclusive swinging relationship that we all agreed to is gone. I was part of that agreement. Times changes, and they are open swingers being with whomever. But I didnt agree to that, so to drag either of us into that lifestyle when not all parties agreed to it is wrong in my book. Open vs exclusive is a totally different type of swinging to me. Open means you dont care, have fun with whomever. Exclusive mean there is less to worry about, stds, etc.


I am not raging mad like I want to side kick him in the ribs, but I do just want to vent. So far, nothing there as he wont call, email, or text me. This alone tells me that he realizes this was wrong to some degree.

Sadly one part I forgot to mention was protection. My wife cannot have any more kids, that was taken care of. So because of the exclusive nature back in the day and we knew the other couple were clean, a condom for her/him was not a big deal for me. Now I specifically told her recently that I dont like that in general and if we ever did get a chance to get back with them that I want her to use one. Guess what she forgot to do, thanks to alcohol.

[NH603]

Originally Posted by two4youinswva

So, what was your wife's reason for going to the party solo? Just for the social aspect, or was she looking to hook up?

Pure social. Not the first or last time.

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by NH603

Pure social. Not the first or last time.

Was this agreed on by the two of you before she went to the party?
-If so, then yes, I'd be upset with her. If that was the agreement, then all it took was a "no thanks" for this situation to have been avoided.

-If it wasn't agreed on, and just assumed, then I'd have to give her the benefit of the doubt. She sees things with this couple differently than you do, and that is not insignificant.

Either way, I'd hold off on either of you going solo until you are both 100% sure, and on the same page, as to what you want out of swinging, and you both are sure you can stick to that agreement.

Best of luck to each of you.