How do you "gently reject" someone?

[funat40]

We find ourselves in somewhat of a sticky situation, and are looking for help from the wise people on this board. Here's the story. We started chatting with another couple online. The chat went really well between me (the male) and the wife of the other couple, and on another occasion between my wife and her husband. We all seemed to "click."

Normally, before we get too far into chatting, we ask for face pics. In this case, the face pics they sent us weren't very revealing. One was taken from very far away, and another was of her wearing sunglasses and a hat. They both have decent bodies and are fun to chat with, so we continued to set up a date where we can meet.

Since then, they've posted a few more face pics online. And unfortunately, she is really not my type -- at all. I'm not a shallow person (really!), and I'm not looking for perfection -- or even close to it -- and I can overlook a lot when I click with someone on a personal/sexual level. But I just don't think I can get past this.

We've already backed out of the meeting with a good excuse, but they're pushing to reschedule. At this point, how do we back out without hurting their feelings? Do we meet with them and then make the excuse that there isn't a "four-way sexual connection?" It's an excuse we've used before, but given that all four of us have already connected online, it seems like a flimsy excuse. And since our halfway meeting point is an hour away, it seems like a waste of time for everyone.

I'd love to remain friends with them, but that doesn't seem likely once they know we're not attracted to them. So how do you say "thanks, but no thanks" in a gentle and humane way?

[ClosetSwinger]

Gosh I have been in this position and it really stinks. I don't have any good advice. It is reasons like this that I am more comfortable meeting people in a club setting rather then just two on two for dinner. It's harder for me to turn someone down in that setting where as in a club there are many people there and it's easy for everyone to find someone else if you arent feeling it.

Keep us posted on what you do.

[ENCRYPTEDTX]

Youre not rejecting them....fully.

During conversation, mention you do want to continue as friends, but there is not the comfort levels required to pursue a sexual relation.

Its honest, communications required among friends and lifestyle partners.

Kyle

[socolais]

As swingers, we need to be able to accept rejection gracefully and if a couple displays disrespectful behavior when they're rejected, it reinforces the value of the decision to reject them. Each and every one of us retain the individual option of veto at any level of activity and no explanations are required (even for activities that may have been presumed acceptable). If we can't take a polite 'no thank you' or a simple 'I'm ready to stop' then perhaps we're not really ready to play well with others.

The other side of that coin, is delivering the actual rejection. We shouldn't assume they'll get their feelings hurt. A respectful, 'we've changed our minds and decided to not pursue this anymore' is all that's required. If you want to continue the chats just for fun or offer to shake hands if yall ever run into them at some event, that's cool, just say so.

I think, in swinging, communication is seldom the wrong answer.

[piglet6870]

yeah that is a hard situation to deal with. i have actually run into a few times, but have been lucky that no one pressed further. i wish you luck.

[LagniappeDC]

Having been on both ends of the this, it's never easy, but interestingly enough we actually learned a lot from those couples who took a pass on us because they did it in a nice and classy way. You also realize that everyone is looking for something different so it's impossible to really understand why couples make certain decisions.

In this case, simply saying that we've enjoyed talking with you, but we don't feel like it is going to work out for us is the route we've taken. Heck, we've even gotten folks who have responded saying thanks for letting them know our decision.

So the worst route is to blow them off. Simply be honest, but gentle, but understand you can't take responsibility for how they feel or respond.

You're sure about the pictures? You've allowed that there are some people who are just not photogenic?

(The queen of England is one. The best photographers have not been able to make her look approachable. If you can catch a film clip of her, you can see that the photographs are an injustice.)

You might try talking to them on the phone, with everyone on an extension. Perhaps hearing voices will help you decide.

And you can always tell them you're taking a break, implying family obligations or wanting to reconnect with each other. This all assumes you won't run across them in the club next month!

[Alura]

Fuck 'em!

You say they have "decent bodies and are fun to chat with." Mrs. Alura and I would probably have made a playdate and fucked them to the best of our ability. After all, how bad can sex be?

"She's not my type" is indeed a flimsy excuse. Don't you think so? You may find out that her talent to give head makes her really pretty.

Good luck!

Alura

[Coupleerotic22]

Originally Posted by Alura

Fuck 'em!

You say they have "decent bodies and are fun to chat with." Mrs. Alura and I would probably have made a playdate and fucked them to the best of our ability. After all, how bad can sex be?

"She's not my type" is indeed a flimsy excuse. Don't you think so? You may find out that her talent to give head makes her really pretty.

Good luck!

Alura

Alura, you rock!

Seriously though there are several good points here. First, basically, to be blunt, you think she has an unattractive face, at least by the pics you have seen. Some people do not photograph well, we have seen it first hand in the LS. Second, there is nothing wrong with meeting and seeing if you are compatible as friends. You may find out she is more attractive, both inside and out than you think. You my find out they are not interested in you in a sexual way. Regardless, you made a meet, keep it. If you don't think you want to have sex with her, then let them know. You can do so in a polite fashion, sometimes the chemistry is just not there.

[funat40]

Thanks, guys -- awesome feedback.

I concede that perhaps she just isn't photogenic. And maybe her "skills" and/or personality are so extraordinary that I could overlook everything else. Maybe we could just have sex in the dark!

I just think that if we go through with meeting them, and I'm still not attracted to her (or even less attracted), then it will be that much more difficult to break it off. I'd rather do it sooner than later, if unnecessary awkwardness and hurt feelings can be avoided.

[slevin]

Originally Posted by funat40

Thanks, guys -- awesome feedback.

I concede that perhaps she just isn't photogenic. And maybe her "skills" and/or personality are so extraordinary that I could overlook everything else. Maybe we could just have sex in the dark!

I just think that if we go through with meeting them, and I'm still not attracted to her (or even less attracted), then it will be that much more difficult to break it off. I'd rather do it sooner than later, if unnecessary awkwardness and hurt feelings can be avoided.

Be honest with yourself; you likely just don't want to reject them in person. Sooner than later isn't likely the real concern It's easier to do behind the safety of the computer screen or telephone. It might be difficult to do in person, but it is better to learn how to do it if you are going to be pursuing swinging regularly.

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by funat40

Thanks, guys -- awesome feedback.

I concede that perhaps she just isn't photogenic. And maybe her "skills" and/or personality are so extraordinary that I could overlook everything else. Maybe we could just have sex in the dark!

If someone thought I was unattractive enough that they might have to fuck me in the dark, I wouldn't want to drive an hour to meet them. Would you like that if someone thought it about you? Would you want them to bite a bullet in order to force themselves to meet you? I'd rather stay home and watch a movie.

In my experience, if you feel like you are trying to hard to make it work, you are.

[Coupleerotic22]

Two more thoughts I had as I was away from the computer.

1. The looks thing goes both ways. I met a women at a social that had stunning photographs on her profile. Turns out that is was just a damn good photography (an possibly some retouch work). Another, was so so on her profile, but very cute in person. Never assume photo's are accurate, pro or con, they are just a good starting point. Some people are photogenic, some are not. Photography is dependent on some many things, the3 subject, lighting, setting, skills, that it could be a drastic difference in both directions. Generally speaking, the more photos, shot in various environments and conditions, the better you idea you can get of the persons real looks. If there are only a handful of photos and they basically from the same shoot, the it can be deceiving as to what they really looks like.

2. We tend to take things at a slower pace, this type of situation being only one of the reasons. There is no rush, it's not a race. If over a period of time we click then we move forward, if not we have made friends then not hooking up seems to be less of an issue. If it is clear you are in no rush, you can use your social skills to steer away from unwanted encounters. Initial meetings at socials also helps in this regard.

[Trace Ekies]

I'm with Alura...Fuck'em! hahaha.

What happened? What did you learn? Is she Quasimodo's sister? Is she missing a leg or hand? Don't answer...I'm thinking out loud.

Tough spot...it sucks...

Dear ......,

While we have enjoyed the online chat thus far we have decided that we don't want to meet in person.

Good luck in your swingin' travels.

Sincerely,

....................

You do not have to explain yourself...some things are better left unsaid and telling an amputee that you can't bring yourself to have sex with an amputee could be tragic for them...

Modify what I wrote a bit and you can use it via email, phone or in person.

It seems to me less is more in these situations and we, as experienced swingers, would say okay and move on.

Good luck,

Trace

[sweet_tna]

I have to admit I'm curious as hell as to what you could've seen on her face that would have made you do a 180.

Seems to me, you have two choices. If you've genuinely hit it off and (until you got a "clearer" photo of her) you were interested, it might just be a case of cold feet. "What if we don't hit it off in person?" In that case, I'd say buck up and at least meet them. It could be, she has such a bubbly personality you hardly notice the gap between her teeth. If she really doesn't trip your trigger, then simply part ways, saying it was nice to meet them, but you don't wish to pursue anything beyond friendship.

If, however, you're absolutely certain that whatever you saw in this photo is a complete and total turnoff and you simply cannot find yourself attracted to a woman who looks like the "before" picture in the Proactiv ads, then by all means, send the, "It's been lovely chatting with you, but we've decided we aren't interested in pursuing anything beyond friendship," email to them.

Best of luck to you,

=)