Our current debate (take a break or try something new)

[newsoftswapcpl]

We have been in the lifestyle for about 3 years, but have in the passed year started going to on-site swinger clubs in the area, which we have become very fond of until recently. During our last visit to the club the night started out very much like any other evening, we made our way through crowd saying hi to everyone we knew before getting settled at "our" table. After chatting with some couples that we have gotten to know from seeing them around we started to chat with a "new" couple that we had not seen at the club before and found that we were very common in the play department (ie: same room, girl/girl, and oral swap). After a few more drinks and some more chatting we decided to play and went off to a room. Now the wife and I only play if we are both feeling it we do not believe in "taking one for the team", so as things got hot and heavy we were having a good time, but it seemed like we reached some sort of plateau and just lost interest due to many interruptions/breaks for the bathroom to keep things going. Plus, I noticed the wife did not seem as into it as she was before so I took the hint and kindly excused us saying we needed a break. The couple agreed and we went our separate ways. After getting back to the party we decided we wanted to relax in the hot tub and chat with a few other people that we haven't talked to in a while. One thing led to another and we were in the midst of an orgy, which we both gave the look of approval to let things move forward with the current group. We both got really involved with other people and were more distant than what we normally are, and things were a lot less controlled than normal (I the male half wasn't helping the mrs regulate who was around her and interacting with her).

As the night wound down and we prepared to leave I noticed the wife seemed a little distant so as soon as we got in the car I asked what was wrong. She said she wasn't sure, but she didn't feel right about the night and that something had changed. Not with us, but with the way we were heading in the lifestyle. I brought up how I felt after the second play situation and she assured me that did not have anything to do with it and she was upset she missed getting to watch me with my playmate. Seeing as that is what really gets us off is the watching and being watched I understood, but assured her it was ok and I wasn't upset. As we talked on the way home we realized we couldn't remember the names of quiet a few of our recent playmates that we had met in the passed few times at the club, and had pretty much stopped meeting couples unless we were at the club, and that we were no longer going for the fun, but more just as something to do, and the same went with playing we realized we were far less picky about who we were playing with and were just doing stuff because we were there. We both agreed we still wanted to be in the lifestyle, but needed to get back to real reason we started the lifestyle in the first place which was to make new friends and explore our sexual desires.

I guess after such a long winded build up the question is has this ever happened to any other couples where you felt you lost sight of why you got in to the lifestyle in the first place? Did you take a break from the lifestyle or just change how you met people?

[sweet_tna]

Short answer: yes. We never really had a goal/plan in mind when we got started in the lifestyle, but we have varied from our original modus operandi. Some of it has simply been growth, but some has been that loss of sight like you mentioned.

We had a break imposed upon us a little while ago, due to family issues. But as we've returned, we discovered that we're sort of in a plateau point ourselves right now. Mr. Sweet and I are having to re-evaluate how we want to go about meeting new people, because a lot of the playmates in our "circle" are unavailable, either temporarily or permanently. And our lack of luck in meeting new folks to play with has been discouraging. So we too need to make a paradigm shift and give things another try.

I hope you find a way of meeting folks that works for you and that you're able to enjoy the lifestyle again.

=)

[VegasLee]

Originally Posted by newsoftswapcpl

to make new friends and explore our sexual desires.

By the sounds of your post you are still doing 50% of what you started out to do, explore your sexual desires.

We have never been in the Lifestyle to make new friends. It does happen at times but we don't need to be part of this lifestyle to find new friends, friends can be found anywhere you want to look for them.

We enjoy the exploring part. That is what this has always been about with us and 30+ years later we are still holding true to our mission within the Lifestyle.

We have made many friends. We NEVER set out a single night looking for a friend.j

You can do one, you can do both, you do what works for you. If you have that friends first type goal, go with it. If not, do what your doing and find friends in your travels through life.

I can promise you I don't know names of MOST that I have seen naked. But I am old and not expected to remember names anyway.

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by newsoftswapcpl

We both agreed we still wanted to be in the lifestyle, but needed to get back to real reason we started the lifestyle in the first place which was to make new friends and explore our sexual desires.

I'll agree with Lee in that it appears that you are doing these things. You know people at the club, and probably enjoy their company, and it seems you are exploring your desires while there.

So, I'm thinking there's more to what's bringing you down. If you two feel like you need to maintain close contact while playing, maybe the orgy scene isn't really for you.

......and that we were no longer going for the fun, but more just as something to do,

A question: Was there something you'd rather be doing when you go to the club?

As for remembering names; is it important for the two of you to be "friends first" before playing? I ask this because you mention the club is the only place you meet new couples, and this appears to be an issue for you. I would think that meeting couples through websites gives you more time to get to know them, thus improving the experience for you. I'm guessing it would allow you to be more picky in who you play with.
- Random thought: Do you guys have trouble saying "No" when you're not interested?

Maybe a break is needed. Maybe just a deep probe into what isn't working for you is needed. Maybe both!

Good luck

[TNT]

Originally Posted by newsoftswapcpl

I guess after such a long winded build up the question is has this ever happened to any other couples where you felt you lost sight of why you got in to the lifestyle in the first place? Did you take a break from the lifestyle or just change how you met people?

No, not really. One of the main reasons we got into swinging was to see where the road led us...we're still on that road and it's still taking us to interesting places.

We have taken breaks before, although they were life/time imposed and not necessarily of our choice. As far as changing the way we meet people...still do it pretty much like we did in the beginning...it worked then for us and still works now.

If you're not happy with the way things are progressing, then take a step back, reevaluate and change what needs changing.


Teresa

[Alura]

It seems to me that y'all might be well advised to slow down a bit and get to know your playmates. Fucking with a friend is nicer. Maybe y'all could find a couple or two to play with regularly. At the same time, consider playing somewhere other than a club, away from its gala atmosphere.

Alura

[ENCRYPTEDTX]

First and foremost I have to applaud you for open, honest communications. I truly believe the lifestyle is directly dependent to good communications. You're talking and your both feeling something, now to diagnose the exact feelings and suggest the right course.

Like others, I would echo the advice to meet people and make friends before playing. You are attending an on premise club and the opportunity to play is merely a bedroom away.

Try attending a Meet and Greet where play typically does not happen and see how that fits you. You definitely sound like people who enjoy the conversations and flirting as you find friends and playmates.

You are allowed to change your path, your direction, your outlook and your feelings at any time. While you have been in the lifestyle 3 years, lots has changed in 3 years in your daily lives. You are now 3 years older and 3 years wiser just stating a fact thats all!

I certainly believe you can continue your goals you set and meet new people and enjoy the exploration with the tiny caveats you have found are important to you both. What you should realize is that you are exploring sexually and it just happens that you dont enjoy orgy situations and nameless partners. Now you know! That would have never transpired if you had not gone down this road of exploration.

There are other ways to meet people besides just the club. Have you looked online? Do you have the free time to look online? Was the club simply an "easy" place to find people with similar likes? Should you look at playing at the club only with people you know or have been with in the past? Are you meeting people outside of the club? Are you getting contact info from people at the club you have met and enjoyed and want to remain in contact with?

Kyle

[Learning]

This statement stood out to me the most "were no longer going for the fun, but more just as something to do, and the same went with playing we realized we were far less picky about who we were playing with and were just doing stuff because we were there". This is screaming to me that you need a scenery change. Plus being "less picky" is going maybe down that road of taking one for the team. Switch things up, go on some dates/meet n greets. Spice things up!

[lustylearning]

It sounds like the novelty has worn off It happens. I know that for me, the standard "meet a new couple and have sex just because you can" doesn't hold the same appeal it used to. What do you want now? It's a logical question to ask when you start feeling that something's not right. Maybe you're done. Maybe you wish to refocus. Maybe you need to step back and forget about it for awhile. But before you proceed, figure out the answer to the question "what do we want out of swinging?"

[Newpants]

Routine and predictability can often be killers of sexual mystique, intrique and passion. It's what leads many folks to swinging in the first place. If you have been going to the same club and doing the same thing for a couple years then you have kind of 'been-there-done-that.'

From what you have written, it doesn't sound like anything bad happened or that anyone did anything wrong, it just wasn't as exciting and dramatic for you as what it has been in the past. Have you considered just trying something a little different within the lifestyle such as a new venue, different clubs or new way of meeting new people?

On-premise clubs are very nice but they are often very "efficient" as far as being able to play with people and you don't always have to do the dance of getting to know people on a more personal level or going through much of the "will they or won't they?" stage when meeting new people.

Have you considered going out with couples outside the club and engaging in some other social type activities such as dining, dancing, concerts, comedy clubs, outdoor activities etc etc? Perhaps you are getting to a point where just mashing flesh with other bodies does not have the same thrill that it used to and you are wanting to have a little more social/personal connection with people rather than just titty-rubbing with some cute chick you happen to run into in an on-premise club.

You also sound fairly soft in your play preferences. Not that there is anything wrong with soft but have you got to a point where you simply want to experience more of what the lifestyle has to offer? We agreed to be a soft-swing couple when we first started out and in about 6 months we sat down for a serious talk and realized we were both just holding ourselves back from what we wanted to do for no legitimate reason.

We also had agreed from day one that one of our most bedrock foundational rules was strict same room only and we have started to discuss slipping into separate rooms with people we know and trust if the situation calls for it.

My point is, people's interests and comfort zones and things that turn them on change and evolve over time.

Again, I don't see that anything bad happened or that anyone has done anything wrong or that there is any kind of actual "problem" here. I am not sure that you need an actual "break" but I do think going back to the discussion table talking very openly and honestly about your feelings and what you want to be doing with your leisure time is in order.