I don't understand how it's OK for her but not for me

[Stevef8]

My wife and I have played a few times but not with steady playmates. She became ill and completely lost her libido. She's now feeling better and has her libido back and is very horney a lot. However, before she did, I had a surgical procedure and now can't get erect. I have always enjoyed watching her with other men and she knows that.

We discussed her having a "boy-toy" and she said she wasn't inerested. However, she decided to try it and see. Once she discovered that I was actually OK with it (I think that was her actual hang up about it), she's all for it now...She knows I REALLY enjoy her being with another man.

My situation, if there really is one, is that she is OK with her meeting her boy-toy or boyfriend (it's a semi-poly relationship), spending the night or a couple of nights with him, but she gets upset if I even mention going out for a drink with a female...even though she knows I'm not interested in sex and can't "perform" anyhow. I don't understand how it's OK for her but any female meeting isn't OK for me. She also won't really discuss it..only that she doesn't want it to happen.

Anyone else ever experience this or something similar?

[Coupleerotic22]

No we haven't. There is only one difference between what my wife does and what I do. For the vast majority of the time we swing together, but we both have each others blessing to go solo. In those situations, until she is very very comfortable with a guy she wants me to be there, or at least close by. She does not feel she needs to be there for me. Basically, she feels I can handle myself physically if things get sideways, but worries she couldn't. Yes, we are both a bit paranoid. She wants the safe feeling of having me around just in case and I very much like that as well. I can relax if she is out and I know the guy she is with very well and know she is safe. With someone we only knew a little, I would be worried. .

Any other differences are based on our personal preference for ourselves, other than a few simple ground rules.

Is there something in you past that makes her feel this way? Have you asked her why she feels this way? Could it be she just wants the same veto power that you have over her play mates? It seems odd she would be okay with swinging and her going solo, but not you.

[PB&J]

I can see why she might be upset- maybe from her point of view her "boy-toy" relationship is basically about sex, but if you're going out with a woman, and aren't interested in sex, what are you interested in? If she thinks that you are looking for an emotional connection, she might see that as a threat to her primary relationship with you.

[Stevef8]

Coupleerotic22,

I am also "there" until she's very comfortable. There's nothing in "our" past to make her feel that way but there is in "her" past. She had several "men" in her past who cheated on her frequently. I can understand that, but, this is different, IMO.

PB&J,

Good point. However, she knows I am sort of "outgoing" and just enjoy talking and flirting. It's not that I really have no interest in sex...it's that I can't "participate". My only emotional connection is with her.

[VegasLee]

PB&J hit it right on. Since you have no interest in the sex part then why would you be going out with other females.

I can see where your wife would have a problem with that right from the start. You would be looking for something completely different then what the Swinging world has to offer and she is not comfortable with that.

[Coupleerotic22]

True it may be different, but it is still part of the equation. Maybe you need to work backwards from that and explore that dynamic. Also, you said semi-poly, is that her impression or just yours? If she does not characterize, treat it, that way, then maybe PB&J is right. She sees it as sex vs relationship. IF she sees her relationship as poly then I find it difficult to see her stance on you having relationships outside.

[slevin]

Originally Posted by Coupleerotic22

True it may be different, but it is still part of the equation. Maybe you need to work backwards from that and explore that dynamic. Also, you said semi-poly, is that her impression or just yours? If she does not characterize, treat it, that way, then maybe PB&J is right. She sees it as sex vs relationship. IF she sees her relationship as poly then I find it difficult to see her stance on you having relationships outside.

If her relationship with this guy was just sex, would she be spending multiple days at a time with him? While she might consider it 'just sex' in her head, her actions say something else.

[realcplub2]

Originally Posted by slevin

If her relationship with this guy was just sex, would she be spending multiple days at a time with him? While she might consider it 'just sex' in her head, her actions say something else.

I agree, Slevin, I read it that way as well..

Her getting upset over you spending time, In any capacity with another female, needs to be off set by the fact that she is spending, more than just sack time with these "boy toys"

IMHO, there needs to be a re evaluation of the situation.

AND Steve, I would suggest going back to the urologist, and discussing the situation you experiencing. there may be options that can be explored to restore what you have lost.

[lustylearning]

Sounds like a lopsided situation no matter how you slice it, and the inability to communicate about it is bad. Not sure what else to say. You guys need to be able to talk about it.

[Stevef8]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

PB&J hit it right on. Since you have no interest in the sex part then why would you be going out with other females.

I can see where your wife would have a problem with that right from the start. You would be looking for something completely different then what the Swinging world has to offer and she is not comfortable with that.

Because I enjoy a woman's company. I'm not looking to swing at all but just the social aspect. Not everything has to be about sex or love even.

[Stevef8]

Originally Posted by Coupleerotic22

True it may be different, but it is still part of the equation. Maybe you need to work backwards from that and explore that dynamic. Also, you said semi-poly, is that her impression or just yours? If she does not characterize, treat it, that way, then maybe PB&J is right. She sees it as sex vs relationship. IF she sees her relationship as poly then I find it difficult to see her stance on you having relationships outside.

Well, she calls him her "boyfriend" and is OK with not only spending occasional nights, but also intends to go on weekend trips, etc. That's about as close to poly as it can get, in my opinion, without necessarily being poly.

[Stevef8]

Originally Posted by realcplub2

AND Steve, I would suggest going back to the urologist, and discussing the situation you experiencing. there may be options that can be explored to restore what you have lost.

Actually, I have an appointment next week to follow up on that exact thing.

[Coupleerotic22]

Originally Posted by Stevef8

Well, she calls him her "boyfriend" and is OK with not only spending occasional nights, but also intends to go on weekend trips, etc. That's about as close to poly as it can get, in my opinion, without necessarily being poly.

Ok, I did not get that from the earlier post, Slevin read it better than I,

No matter what you call it, it is a relationship, not just sex. And NO I would not be ok with that either. The Mrs. and I do not have a tit-for-tat relationship, if one of us does something more than the other, that is fine. But we also don't put uneven restrictions on each other.

No one but her can explain what she is thinking. Anything else is just guess work on everyone's part. She may have a reasonable answer for why she feels that way, although I can't begin to imagine what it would be. But what is certainly unreasonable is her lack of communication. I would sit down with her and tell her that you need to understand, she needs to explain it. Then take the response and go from there. Anything short of total communication is not going to allow your relationship to work.

BTW - did you have any ground rules when you were both swinging together? Was any of this covered in those ground rules? If so I would ask her why she feels they have changed?

[LikeMinds321]

Your wife had been ill and lost her libido, you lost your ability to have an erection due to prostate surgery - difficult, challenging times for a marriage.

You say your wife wasn't interested in a boy-toy, but you persisted and she gave in. I don't think she wants another man inside her.

If I was her, I'd want to get close to my husband again, after all we'd been through. It would be important to feel needed and wanted by him. My need to be close would be greater, since we couldn't have sex as we used to.

Don't make the mistake of thinking you aren't enough for her anymore, just because you can't get an erection. Don't push her away to other men if she doesn't want that.

I don't think now is the time to be looking for other relationships outside your marriage. She may be worried you are withdrawing from her. She is trying to make you happy by being with other men, and if you don't make her feel wanted as you used to, she WILL start to seek the emotional closeness with them that she may feel she isn't getting from you.

If she objects to you having social nights out with other women, it may be because she feels you don't want to be close to her anymore.

LM

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by PB&J

I can see why she might be upset- maybe from her point of view her "boy-toy" relationship is basically about sex, but if you're going out with a woman, and aren't interested in sex, what are you interested in? If she thinks that you are looking for an emotional connection, she might see that as a threat to her primary relationship with you.

My thought as well. She may have no problem separating sex and love, but may feel threatened by the idea that if you aren't having sex with this other woman you are sharing something much deeper.