She suggested I be more aggressive...What does this mean?

[Coffeeblack]

Hello SWB friends. It's been a while since I posted anything and I need some advice. The wife and I have been MIA from swinging for about a year...a very long year,Lol... but we plan to get back to it when she's ready. Ok, here goes. My wife has stated to me since our first and last encounter with another female Of a couple, she doesn't think she can do that again. (You have to read what happened the first time we ever played with another couple to know).However, she loves to watch soft lesbian porn together. She gets so wet and hot!! The last time we watched a movie, she verbalized how she liked what the girls did to each other in the movie. On one occasion I have told her verbally and in writing, I'm okay if she wants to explore sexually with females...I'm secure with it and I think it's sooo damn hot. I'm not sure what's going on in her head and she really doesn't tell me much. I wish I knew what was in her head. Also, we were talking the other day about what we can do to keep sex fresh ...the movies, toys, be creative, stuff like that and she also suggested that I be more agressive with her, during sex sometimes, but she could tell me what that means???? I have a couple of ideas, but I'm hoping some ladies can help me decode what's going on in her little complicated brain. Fellows feel free to interject as well. Thanks in advance.

[Alura]

My guess is y'all are on track but need to continue communicating until it is not so hard to understand each other.

Another suggestion would be that you quit thinking of your wife's brain as "little."

Alura

[realcplub2]

First, you made go back and re read your post....

Now then, The first experiences dredge up alot of emotions, the fact that in your own words it seemed that your wife took one for the team doesnt help that fact ( she wasnt attracted or interested in the other guy, but, went along anyway)

The fact that you and the other woman were getting into it big time, also didnt help matters.. Nothing can cause insecurity than seeing ones loved one enjoying the hell out of someone else, Esp, when there isnt much to distract that attention..( Mr Softy?)

Now lets get to this post, the only way to KNOW whats in her head is for her to tell you, GUESSING causes way too many problems. From what you wrote, the communication is working between you both.. Keep building on what you have already.

Now, if that leads you back to a swinging situation, or, to private sexperimentation, either way, its you and her communicating that will carry you thru.

Lets suppose for a moment it was something simple.. An inexperienced woman between your legs, and your family jewels about to play tonsil hockey.. Would you give this person DIRECTION? Or wait for her to BITE, before scream STOP..

Same thing applies here.. She needs to be able to trust you, enough to tell you what thrills her, without worry of you judging her. The statement about getting rougher with her, but never following thru seems to indicate that.. she said it and was WATCHING your reaction..

You now face the most daunting of tasks, getting her to trust you and open up to you

Talk it thru, in vanilla settings.. the best sex talks we have are in a car going somewhere when we are HOURS away from being able to do anything about it

[Coffeeblack]

Originally Posted by Alura

My guess is y'all are on track but need to continue communicating until it is not so hard to understand each other.

Another suggestion would be that you quit thinking of your wife's brain as "little."

Alura

Thanks for the input. "little" brain was just an expression. Again thanks you.

[Coffeeblack]

Thank you for the replies so far. I wish we had found this board before we had our first encounter. I have definitely learned and continue to learn from this site. Realcplub2, you are right. We will continue to talk and talk. I've expressed to her what I did wrong and how I now know how to avoid situations like that again. She understood. I do believe she is slowly entertaining the idea of playing again, but in her own way and that's cool with me.

[lizandtom]

I'm going to venture kinda deep here on a hunch, so hear me out then decide if you think I'm on track.

From what you said about trying to keep it fresh with vid's, toys, etc etc whatever, and her response "you could try being more aggressive with me," I'm led to believe that she's a bit sub in all of this, and is expressing the need to be a bit dominated, perhaps led and seduced by someone.

I'm picking up that you're of a gentle, caring and understanding nature, and that's how you are perceived to her. I think it will be frustrating to you and her to try and act other than being yourself, so don't try to be overly assertive; it probably won't help or work.

Instead, head out to local swing clubs or meet and greets, and see if you can meet any couples that have a more assertive male than you. It's sounding like if she's swept off her feet and directed what to do with a sexual partner, it may unleash some of the sheepishness you've been experiencing.

Worst case scenario, you have a few fun nights out; dancing, beverages, and perhaps getting lucky.

[realcplub2]

Coffee, a follow up, If the roads lead back to a swing situation, Make sure she is involved in both the search and the interview process.

In a private situation, again be open minded and non judgemental, Cause hey, ya never know..

But again the most vital advice I can give is, talking in both a foreplay situation to get reactions and juices flowing, but also in the most vanilla of situations where even though sex is the topic, NOTHING can happen..

And if the road is leading toward a dark, rougher world, RESEARCH everything well before.. even a simple spanking can be done wrong and cause serious damage...

[Coupleerotic22]

Originally Posted by realcplub2

the only way to KNOW whats in her head is for her to tell you, GUESSING causes way too many problems.

No truer statement has ever been said. Mrs. Couple and I guessed what each other were thinking for the first few years of our marriage because we were lousy at communication. That failure set of years of misconceptions and false ideas about what each other wanted. It took 20 years before we figured it out.

I wish I could tell you how to get there. The fact is Mrs. just came to me one day and said she was unhappy about, x, y and z. To her great surprise so was I. We were both surprised. That set off a series of discussions on how we needed to communicate. The bottom line is if we don't like something, if something is on our mind, we discuss it right then. If need be we excuse ourselves. If we cannot for some reason we make sure we do before we go to sleep.

It is very liberating. We talk about everything and are now the happiest we have ever been. It opened up entire new avenues in our marriage, including the fact she was interested in swinging.

Figure out how to open up completely to one another and it changes everything. Good luck.