We only want her...what to tell the other couple?

[wisconsin]

We are not new to the LS but have only had handfull of experiences with couples so good advice is appreciated.We enjoy going to one club and usually find different playmates for ourselves and don't take one for the team.I play by myself so does my hubby.If we find a 4 way match it's an excellent outcome for the evening but it's very rare.There was one new couple on a party,they are not new to the LS just new to this club.The wife is a gorgeous beauty and we would love to play with her in any combination 3 some,or just girls,but the husband is slightly older then my usual playmates and just not my type...They made several attemts but we were busy with another couple.We just don't know what to tell them,they don't look like they would take NO well.I just have a feeling that we can get some very unfriendly encounter in a future with them.They attemted again to invite us for playtime for next time and I don't know what to say.I just can't say that I am not interested in him because I can see them being offended.They were quite persistent and slightly pushy on a party which is ok with us because I can be quite persistent too if I am interested.They probably don't get many no's because wife is a hot beauty.Any advice would be appreciated.

[PB&J]

If they don't take no well.... too bad for them. Just politely say "No thanks" and leave it at that. You are under no obligation to explain why, and in fact it's better if you don't. If they are experienced they should have the grace to accept that. Hopefully, if she's that hot a beauty, they'll soon find someone else to say yes.

[LFM2]

Yep, what BP&J said. Nobody owes anyone an explanation of why they don't want to play. If they take it bad, that's their problem and not yours. I also agree with them that if they are experienced, that they shouldn't ask why but take it gracefully and they'll back off.

[exploringRM]

As much as I hate to say no thanks to couples, I don't feel too bad when we are turned down. (though we've never been turned down in person but we rarely make connections at a club without previous contacts with a couple).

You can so no thanks. You can say you just don't feel there is chemistry between you two. If pressed for a reason you don't need to give anything specific.

I do empathize, I'm 50 and wife is 49. My wife finds the guys unattractive much more than I find the women unattractive. Just seems to be the way it is at this age, alot of she's hot, he's not going on

[PB&J]

lol, RM... PB and I had that very chat about half an hour ago about a couple that sent us an email. We've met them once at the club, and while he really likes her, I am not at all attracted to the other guy. It's not just an age thing though. I've played with 60 yr olds who don't look astonishingly youthful or Adonis-like, but still turn my crank. It's not the looks it's the personality, baby!

[exploringRM]

Originally Posted by PB&J

lol, RM... PB and I had that very chat about half an hour ago about a couple that sent us an email. We've met them once at the club, and while he really likes her, I am not at all attracted to the other guy. It's not just an age thing though. I've played with 60 yr olds who don't look astonishingly youthful or Adonis-like, but still turn my crank. It's not the looks it's the personality, baby!

Well I didn't mean to say that all men in my age group (and older) are not attractive. We have a number of playmates +/- 10 years of us. It just seems that many men (as they age) don't take care of themselves as well as the women do.

[SW_PA_Couple]

Usually, the less said the better. In one particular situation, I decided to break the log jam. I find the woman attractive on all levels. JoAnn is not attracted to the man. But they were both insistent. Out of a sense of frustration, I simply blurted it out, "It's your man -- JoAnn's just not into him." I immediately regretted this. Just to re-iterate, the less said the better. They can't sustain their assault forever.

~Michael

[wisconsin]

Well,we had communicated with them in a past and there was some interest on both ends.However when we met I wasn't attracted to him but everybody else 3 of us looked like were having chemistry.She looked interested in my hubby,he was interested and we(girls) were very hot for each other.Maybe I sent the wrong vibe and confused them,because usually people back off easily.It was a first time I was hesitant to say no.
About age,yes I have to say that I tried to play with older men and wasn't having much fun.I don't care about size of their cock,it can be any size but age and body shape makes a difference for me.

[Chicup]

You are just going to have to face the unpleasant rejection or take it for the team. No other way around it besides hiding.

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by PB&J

If they don't take no well.... too bad for them. Just politely say "No thanks" and leave it at that. You are under no obligation to explain why, and in fact it's better if you don't. If they are experienced they should have the grace to accept that. Hopefully, if she's that hot a beauty, they'll soon find someone else to say yes.

Yep, what she said.

In this case where it's a simple case of not being attracted, "Thanks, but no thanks" is completely appropriate. If they ask again or ask why, it's okay to tell them you don't have a four-way match. If they don't have manners after that, it says much more about them than it does about you.

This is one of those things we have to deal with as swingers. The best become gracious. The worst become obnoxious.

[lookingfornow]

“We are totally in to your wife, but not you.”

You just can’t say that and not run a serious risk of hurting feelings unnecessarily. And, I don’t think you can rationalize hurting others by convincing yourself that they should expect to get a particular response from time to time if they are in the lifestyle.

Sure, there are swingers who are going to be more secure in their selves and be accepting of the message. But, in our experience, such couples also tend to make it known that they are willing to bend or outright break the one play, all play, rule (if they even follow it in the first place). In our experience, couples holding tightly on to the one play, all play rule really don’t want to hear, “hey, we are really in to her but not him,” as that response can create conflict within their relationship.

So, in our view, if you know that a couple comes as a team, then you need to either accept them or reject them as a team. No one should ever be made to explain their rejection. It is sufficient to say, “we really are not interested,” and leave it at that.

[DigginIt]

Originally Posted by wisconsin

We just don't know what to tell them,they don't look like they would take NO well.

If they can't take "no" very well then they shouldn't be in the lifestyle because you get and give a lot of them along the way and for many different reasons. We are just picky people by nature and while attraction is usually the first measure we use; it's often not the one that puts the nail in the coffin.

Originally Posted by wisconsin

They were quite persistent and slightly pushy on a party

That right there puts a lot of nails in the coffin and I don't care how hot and sexy a person may be. Pushy is just a form of being disrespectful in my book but having said that you need to make sure your not sending mixed signals.

[LikeMinds321]

You're experienced, your persistent, and you play alone. You know the score. I don't think you're really bothered about people who are persistent or don't take rejection well.

I think what's really bothering you is that you feel you've led this couple on and now you don't feel good about misleading them into thinking you're interested in them as a couple, when in fact, you only want her.

Say to them what you've said to other people you've turned down. If you've never turned down an invite, then follow the recommendations already given, just say "no thank you."

If at a future time you learn that this couple plays solo, as you do, then approach her if you wish.

LM

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by wisconsin

They probably don't get many no's because wife is a hot beauty.

If he is unattractive, pushy, has a chip on his shoulder and they are prone to drama and hissy-fits when things don't go their way, then they get turned down a lot no matter how much of a sex-goddess she is.

I agree with Likeminds321, there is more here than just lack of a 4-way click. EVERY couple has trouble getting all 4 people onboard, it's not like it is some unique and unheard of phenomenon.

[lizandtom]

Wisconsin, it sounds like you should have decided he was a deal breaker before you and your husband started showing real interest in his wife. As much as how many guys tend to use a pretty wife as bait hoping that once the other girl is wound up he can jump in, it's also not fair to lead them on in the hopes that he'll just watch from the sidelines and you and your husband can enjoy her solely. Obviously not the case and I think that's where your dilemma is coming from. As most have alluded to previously, put your 'unicorn hopeful thinking' aside, grow a pair and gently tell them that you think they're nice people but the necessary chemistry to take it further just isn't there.