How do we drop this hot potato after expressing interest in meeting again?

[Ed & Bunny]

I know i have joked around around about drama before, (with poor results )but I now find ourselves in an interesting situation.

Heres the story. This week we got a text out of the blue from the female of a couple we had swapped with 2 1/2 years ago. They dropped off the radar and stopped checking their Swing Lifestyle profile, so we figured they left the lifestyle, and we forgot about them. So it was a surprise to get this text. After a few more texts and finally a phone conversation we got the whole story. Hubby had been cheating, she was getting divorced, was with a new guy, and remembered us fondly and wanted to connect again as she remembered we were just getting into BDSM and her new boyfriend was very involved in BDSM.

I had some initial concerns with her being willing to swing after being cheated on by her husband. Even after almost 17 years of marriage, Bunny still has cheating issues from her previous husbands so I made sure to ask this gal what was up with that. She told me that she had swung in relationships prior to meeting her husband. OK I can handle that. So after seeing a profile pic of the new boyfriend who Bunny says is attractive (woo hoo) and knowing there was attraction enough for a swap at a club years ago, we expressed our interest in meeting again. All seems good.

Now the problem. Its not two days later and I notice on the gals yahoo profile she is suddenly reconciling with her husband. WTF She said nothing about this when we talked to her. Now what? swapping with her and hubby is out of the question, because cheaters are a complete deal breaker for Bunny, and even if this evolves into some sort of poly type situation between them, I see way too much drama waiting to happen.

So how do we best drop this hot potato after expressing interest in meeting up again? Its not a rush thing as Bunny is out of commission for at least 6-8 more weeks after having back surgery. Should we be blunt and tell her how we feel, or just keep putting them off by being unavailable?Part of me wants to wait to see if she gets smart and leaves the cheating ex on the curb where he belongs? Or is the fact she is even reconsidering taking him back reason enough to let this whole idea go?

[VegasLee]

You two have been around these forums for many years and are smart people.

First, you are hearing her side but either way, your right. I see possible drama in the future here.

I would be honest and tell her what you found and ask for the upfront skinny on what is going on.

Explain to her that you two don't deal with the drama of any relationship problems or rebuilds. Since you don't know for a fact he was cheating I am not sure I would head that direction. Seems she gets herself into a few relationships here also and swinging is always involved. Could be the pot calling the kettle black.

Keep it simple. You know that honesty works in the long run.

[sweet_tna]

Yowzers. At first, your post sounded similar to a situation of mine. However, the couple of our acquaintance will not be reconciling.

At any rate, I think you already know what to do. You can talk to her, sure. But chances are, if she's reconciling with the hubby she will either lose interest in swinging while they work things out or will defend any of his misdeeds to save face. Either way, it's a recipe for disaster and best left alone until the dust has settled--if then.

=)

[The Fuse]

The only thing you really know is that there is instability in their situation. Yes, her Yahoo profile says something, but that could be for any reason. Maybe her lawyer advised her to do it, for all we know, or she's doing it so he'll be more cooperative temporarily. The point is that profiles often lie. We see it pretty often on swinger sites -- hell, we see it on Facebook.

You should definitely talk to her, tell her what you saw, and give her a chance to explain it. I would take anything she says with a grain of salt though, since she is obviously not in a stable and happy relationship. Only "go there" if you think, with good reason, that any sh*t flying around her will not get on you as well.

[PB&J]

Our motto always is... when in doubt... don't. It's better to steer clear and miss out on what could be great sex than to dive right in and end up in a big mess. If you have some concerns about the situation, go with your gut. Your core relationship is always there and the rest is just the gravy...

lol... did I get enough metaphors into that??

[slevin]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

The only thing you really know is that there is instability in their situation. Yes, her Yahoo profile says something, but that could be for any reason. Maybe her lawyer advised her to do it, for all we know, or she's doing it so he'll be more cooperative temporarily. The point is that profiles often lie. We see it pretty often on swinger sites -- hell, we see it on Facebook.

You should definitely talk to her, tell her what you saw, and give her a chance to explain it. I would take anything she says with a grain of salt though, since she is obviously not in a stable and happy relationship. Only "go there" if you think, with good reason, that any sh*t flying around her will not get on you as well.

Agreed; talk openly with her and give her a chance to explain the situation. If you don't feel comfortable with her answers, then I think pulling back is appropriate. I would tell her that you're not comfortable getting involved in swinging with her while she is going through her separation and divorce. Perhaps when things settle down for her you can revisit it, but for now you need to stay uninvolved.

I wouldn't get into more than that, anyone reasonable and worth spending time with should understand.

[Ed & Bunny]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

The only thing you really know is that there is instability in their situation. Yes, her Yahoo profile says something, but that could be for any reason. Maybe her lawyer advised her to do it, for all we know, or she's doing it so he'll be more cooperative temporarily. The point is that profiles often lie. We see it pretty often on swinger sites -- hell, we see it on Facebook.

Wow talk about hitting it dead on. Looks like
I jumped the gun here. Bunny was napping when I posted, but later asked if I had heard anything from the gal or boyfriend. I told her that the deal looked DOA and why. Bunny then told me that she was aware of all that. The reconciliation has to do with the fact that there is a 6 year old child involved and is done for looks only. She is not getting back with the ex and the new boyfriend is definitely the one right now.

So it looks like I stressed out on this for nothing. I do appreciate everyones reply's though.

[Fundamental Law]

One wonders what the 6 year old child has seen, has felt and is able to comprehend. I wish all of them luck, and the 6 year old some stability.

Parents who stay together "for the sake of a young child" but otherwise dislike each other and distance themselves do no one any favors.

[JustAskJulie]

You agreed to meet with her and the new guy, not her and the ex. You said you saw this reconciliation via her Yahoo profile. Has she not said anything to you about it directly? When were you planning on meeting up with her again? Have you been in direct contact with her since her Yahoo announcement?

[realcplub2]

The only way to get to the bottom is to call and ask her directly

As was related that the profile could reflect whatever for appearances, but moreover, there is little way to completely confirm that She did so herself.. The Husband knowing the passwords is always a possibility, If she is off enjoying a life he once partook of, Who knows what mine field he may plant around the web.

Christ anyone ever pay attention to the Ex girlfriend picture sites?

[Ed & Bunny]

OK since you all have been asking more questions it is time for an update.

We went along with things assuming the reconciliation was just for show. Well it seems that there was a situation that caused things to change and the reconciliation is now real. The gal is back with her husband. She made sure to point that out the next time we talked with her. She also stated that friendship was all they were looking for at this time as swinging was not going to happen at this time and maybe never. Thank god for that last part.

So since we got along well the time we met, we will be taking them up on the friendship offer. If they decide to start swinging again we will want to see a good stable relationship before we go there.