Two married couples living together goes bad

[Marts]

First off sorry for my spelling im a bad writer do to language barrier

Im in a bad situation and its complicated. I will try to give you the best details so you understand. My wife and I always fantasize about a mmf so last yr we played it out and loved it we tried a few times and was great there was no long term commitment one night stands only except one guy was twice.

My wife never realy wanted a mmff but she decieded to try I was very excited so was she we had a great experience.

this all happen in a few mths then we meant this new couple we realy like them even doh we werent 100% attracted to them we hit it off we talked all night and agreed to meet up the following weekend for group full swap we talked all week and text.One of the text the other girl ill call Lisa told us her husband ill call Fred always wanted to try sepparate room swap. I told my wife and both agreed not to cause our fantasy was all touching and seeing.now we lived 3 hrs away so we were sleeping there as well after group when it was time for bed both men didnt know what room to go to I ask my wife and she said no come to bed but i told her we played our fantasy the doors will be open so what the heck she said ok find np now that was my 1st big mistake cause we agreed no and I but her on the spot. Turns out she didnt mind she liked it a bit next weekend we meet again and same thing group then off to bed in separate bedrooms its not my thing at all but the excitment of being with another women takes my mind over.After a mth of this and we realy like them as friends we all get along so well, turns to one night group then one night no group just separete room swap I realy didnt like that at all so I tell my wife she says well its not like we dont do stuff we havent done but she says u want to end it I said no ill figure a way to deal with it but no falling in love and we laught.

well a few mths goes by now Lisa wants weekend away apart i said im not ready next weekend she ask again so my wife says could be fun 1 night friday then we all get together sathurday so i give in i know i know I should of stop right there and then but by now they have 3 kids us 1 thats still at home so they met they dont know whats going on of course there young we are all very close so im thinking i need to get over this little issue my wife keeps reasurring me shes not in love of course we all have feeling but friends feelings after a weekend away comes another then my wife as holidays so she goes there while Lisa comes to my house she dont work. all this time the night that we are aparts or all together im loosing my mind i get mad upset text my wife say awfuls things but not once did she say ok we wont do that I feel if she loves me she would cause we started this lifestyle for sexual fantasys after all are love was strong and relationship secured. I even got a few times i dont love him deal with it. Lisa was always the one wanting it we barly had group anymore n when we did his wife would hardly particapate saying she like to watch i later find out was Lisa fantasys to do separate room swap not his and its all she realy wants but i hate separate room swap and she hates group so we both compramise.

One days theres talk that they sell there house and move in we love both familys and kids so we do it my wife says once they move in things will slow down and things will get back to normal. never did 3 mths later I had anough. Lisa never wants group hardly but rule was swap twice a week again not once did my wife say no and support my feelings by now we are drifting apart. I know deep down inside she loves me and I love her but I cant do the separate room swap I tried everything in my head Im sick depress broken heart so finaly I said no more and sat my wife down for 3 days we both put it all on the table now both to blame she appologise for some stuff as I did ect.... was a very deep talk im not attracted nor love his wife he dosent love mind passionatly yes we care deeptly but my wife admited she dont love him like she does me not like a husband but as a bf so deeper then friends I knew this but always had a little hope blind by sex i guess thats she didnt.

Bottom line is when we are all together im turned on like it but cant do separate bedrooms> after all that talk we agreed that our marriage family comes first I ask her what we should do does she still want to do the sepparate bedroom again after all that she says yes if we dont all 3 would be unhappy well I lost it and said I will never do sepparate bedroom with Lisa do what ya want.

so I tell Lisa I need a break so if they want to do separate bedrooms we can go out as friends no more group cause she dont like it Lisa says ok I love time with you talking ect.... alone its fun and yes we both do so I tell this to my wife she says well that not fair for Lisa I say yes I know but shes happy so no one is unhappy all I want is for her to say ok no more sepparate bedroom ect... lets work on our marriage this new living arrangement 4 kids ect.. .witch its going good but no instead she says ok then ill do what ever everyones wants thinking that she can swap while we go out and hangout then come home she would go to spare room and me in mind.I also ask if she can back off a bit and fall out of love check her emottions care as friends she said no you cant do that she said you spend that much time alone its impossable I said well us men did keep it sexual she said a girl thing I quess

What to do time for devorse ?

I need help at my age I realy dont want to start over but Im not sure I can live like this

Play real mad hope she comes around keep my word and just be friends with Lisa?

I dont know

Now dont say if she loved you she would stop I know she loves me she figures after a yr why stop now

also im much to blame cause I should of stoped it right off the bat but I cant change the pass

also both family all get along great finaces are great having two couples pay the bills do the house work

Ty

[exploringRM]

My reaction is that this situation is way more difficult to try to address in this forum. There were mistakes made which I think you recognize and some damage has been done.

Have you as a 4 some, discussed this situation; made your feeling known to all?

[slevin]

If you don't want this arrangement anymore then you have to say so unequivocally. Don't do the passive aggressive bullshit of wanting her to chime in and offer to stop. Tell her that this isn't working for you anymore, it is upsetting you and you want to stop all sexual activities with the other couple. It would also be a good idea for the other couple to move out.

Once all that happens, go get some counseling together. Take care of the immediate issue, then get counseling as a couple.

If she won't agree to stop the sexual activity, then you have a choice to make. Get divorced, learn to live with the situation, or seek counseling and hope that will lead to a resolution.

Good luck.

[Edison Carter]

Ed here---When things are a mess, you reconstruct, as best as possible, to the way things were before the mess. Then, you get counseling so you understand why you did this foolish thing in the first place. No one can see past the choices that they do not understand.

Sex can equal gasoline. Anyone got a match ?

[lizandtom]

Holy Moses, they moved in with you? Good luck trying to work this one out; it's not like you can go home to evade the situation; they're there.

ExploringRM mentioned discussing how you feel among all 4 of you, not just your wife. Since they are now house mates, I think you have no choice but to sit all 3 down, and explain just how you feel, completely, honesty and hold nothing back, but don't be harsh about it, just explain. If they all care about you they should all try to come up with solutions that will be good for all of you.

I think the big problem is that you weren't completely attracted to Lisa (aside from the fact that you weren't supposed to have your lifestyle friends move in with you according to unwritten lifestyle rules lol). If you were completely comfortable and attracted to Lisa, and your wife is completely comfortable and attracted to Fred, that would have been 1/2 the battle won, but remember (although too late now) 'dating' someone and living with someone (or two) can be like night and day; heaven or hell (usually hell if you look at the divorce rate).

[ViSexual]

Ty,
I can truly understand your feelings. And, if you really don't want your marriage to just end on this one incompatibility then you're sure smart to seek advice here.

But, what you're describing is more like Polyamory than swinging. There is a thread here that might be helpful in your understanding..., just scroll a little further down. And, there are some very nice, and experienced, folks there to help you.

Now, it sounds like you're wanting swinging and your wife and the other wife are wanting polyamory and the other husband is cool with either. I'd think a little group discussion might be in order.

The one thing that comes to my mind that the four of you might not have considered is double dating. Go out on dates together with each others spouses. Flirt, dance, play, and then park someplace. Hey, your wife will be right in the back seat. Maybe not exactly separate rooms like she'd want but not exactly same bed either, like you'd prefer! Just a though. Good luck to you and we all hope you can work this out.

[SuperJast]

Most definitely a tough situation.


I really don`t think you need to consider divorce at this point.

You have to consider the fact of your past actions. Everytime, you have said no to something, you have then changed your mind, and done what others wanted.
It will take some strength on your part, and some consistancy in your decisions, in order for the other people in your life to understand that you feel very strongly about this.

I am not suggesting that they are purposely taking you for granted. (I am not there, so I have no idea. Only you can answer that. ) It could be as simple as them thinking, that your history is you say no immediately, but with time to think on subjects, you tend to change your mind.

In either case, remember that it took you X-number of months to get into this situation, it will probably take at least a few months to extract yourself out of the situation.

Also, wether you want to be in this situation or not, the fact is, your household is in a polyamory type of situation.

You may want to consider seeking additional advice at the polyamory.com forum. I find both this, and the polyamory forum offer different, yet great advice on a variety of subjects.

I also concur with others who said, that you need to sit down in a group situation, and talk about this openly , with everyone involved. There are ways to do that, without offending others. It`s all in your delivery.


Best of luck.

[slevin]

I think sitting down as a group before you sit down with your wife is a bad idea. You do not want to be in a group marriage, so why treat it as such? Make a decision about what you want, discuss that with your wife, come to a unified decision and then sit down as a group and discuss it. You're not trying to work out a way to make the situation work better for you. You're trying to end the situation. Or that's how it came across to me anyway.

[JustAskJulie]

Definitely need to start by sitting down as a foursome and discussing this. It seems like no one is really being open and honest here, from the beginning. It's time to start.

[Marts]

Ty everyone for thge input

update after a week wife finaly said hey ur the hubby and spouse trump she cant change the pass lets work on our relationship first. we did have many group chats my wife was the one always upset and unwilling to stop the swap for a bit but now thats change.

Lisa as always is being extrem like hardly talking to me she said giving us space but last 3 days all and all been good

poly looked at that too lol man didnt even know that existed maybe if i find a gf thats im attarcked too may help for her who know one day at a time

ty all

[sweet_tna]

Chiming in late here, and my advice would be to sit down with your WIFE and finally tell her openly and honestly how you feel about the situation. Give her a chance to talk too, and really listen, but stand your ground.

That said, it seems you have talked with her, somewhat at least. But you're still living with Fred and Lisa, which does not seem to be working for you. Time to talk it out again, and figure out how to get Fred and Lisa out of your house. Only then can you and your wife rebuild your marriage.

Best of luck to you.

=)