Talking ABOUT other couples

[Coupleerotic22]

We have made it a policy that we never discuss our encounters in any detail with other couples. We want discretion from others and extend the courtesy ourselves. We talk in generalities and NEVER mention names, identifiable descriptions or even screen names.

Recently, we have been attending parties and making many new friends. Because of certs and people seeing us with other couples the topic of other couples is starting to come up more frequently. Mostly in the form of "oh, you know so and so, so do we" or "I see you have dated so and so, we know them to." It is specific enough that we can tell they actually know them, like using real names instead of screen names, or saying they meet at a place we know the other couple frequents.

It has all been very general, not anything sexual or even specific beyond names, but it still unnerves me a bit. As our circle of friends grows, we have no doubt that we will end up playmate triangles, where we have played with each other at various times.

We will never talk details, we don't like to kiss and tell. But we are still a bit nervous about even talking about other couples with a couple, even on a non sexual basis.

Are we being paranoid, or over reacting? How do you handle these situation?

[VegasLee]

We personally fee that "general talk" regarding others is not a problem. That is normal even in every day life. "Oh, you know so and so." No big deal.

We will NOT hang out with those that discuss details of others. Sexual or other wise. If they start talking about someone in to much detail I personally advise them it is none of my business and move on. Just how I am. If they will talk about others in detail, they will talk about you in detail.

As far as just the type of talk you find in the straight world, I don't see where that should bother you. They see certs from those they know on your profile then no big deal. If that part bothers you, take down the certs and also don't give them.

Don't over think all of this it will make you NUTS!

[Alura]

As usual, I agree with VegasLee.

However, it seems to me that the longer a couple is in the lifestyle, the more risk there is of being "outed." The more people you know, the more likely they will meet someone you also know. One cannot always be assured of discretion.

Alura

[Pensacolapair]

I agree that some general conversation is going to happen - and it's no big deal IMO. Like VegasLee, we refuse to go into detail about people we may know and will cut off others who try to go into detail about others. Just keep in mind that there are those who will push for more. The more people who don't give it to them will help towards reducing it.

Unfortunately, people will always draw conclusions from certs. IMO, it's simply because there are so many different interpretations of certs. For example, we view certs as nothing more than one couple saying that they met another couple confirming that they have an interest in swinging beyond playing on a computer. Others view them as a 'who you've done' record.

About the best thing anyone can do is develop and adhere to their own 'talk' policy - and basing it on that Golden Rule-thing would be a good starting point!

M

[LikeMinds321]

I agree with everyone above me.

Being with swinger friends is really like being with vanilla friends except for one thing, sex. Everyone wants to be friendly, wants a way to open discussion, and wants to talk about things of mutual interest.

Use common sense. Don't say more than necessary and carefully observe those who say too much. You'll learn a lot that way.

LM

[Coupleerotic22]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

We will NOT hang out with those that discuss details of others.
*snip*
Don't over think all of this it will make you NUTS!

Well, we are half way there to start with. lol

Exactly, we won't keep company with them either.

Originally Posted by Alura

However, it seems to me that the longer a couple is in the lifestyle, the more risk there is of being "outed."
Alura

It is not so much about being outed, it is more ab out we made it clear we expect and practice discretion. And we want to make sure it understood by our friends we ACTUALLY DO PRACTICE that. I wouldn't want a friend to hear something like "Yeah, couple and I were talking about you the other night" and draw conclusions from it.

Originally Posted by Pensacolapair

About the best thing anyone can do is develop and adhere to their own 'talk' policy - and basing it on that Golden Rule-thing would be a good starting point!

I think that is the point. Of all the things we thought of and talked about before jumping into the deep end, amazingly, we left this one out of the discussion. So when it came up, it caught me a bit off guard.

My immediate thought was was - "stop, we don't talk about other couples." But within a few seconds it hit me, we are not comparing notes, it is simply, "yeah I know them, they are a great couple, he is funny, she is sweet etc". Which like Vegas said is normal everyday chatter.

It is not a big deal in cases where we met both couples together at a party for example. But when we have met two couples independently, that know each other it sort of felt different.

So my thinking was, this is no problem based in the context of the discussion. If it was comparing notes, spiteful, private etc., then it is clear to me. We don't/won't talk about personal details and won't tolerate it either. But I still wanted to see what others think. We are still kind of new to this and I see non personal chit chat as more an issue of etiquette than anything else. But knowing what is generally accepted etiquette is something I wanted to explore. My feeling is no big deal, but this is a new world to us, so better safe than sorry.

[Coupleerotic22]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

I agree with everyone above me.

Being with swinger friends is really like being with vanilla friends except for one thing, sex. Everyone wants to be friendly, wants a way to open discussion, and wants to talk about things of mutual interest.

Use common sense. Don't say more than necessary and carefully observe those who say too much. You'll learn a lot that way.

LM

Good advice LikeMinds and others as well. Thanks you all. Like i said, somehow this had not crossed my mind before. Maybe because it is really is so innocuous. Not expecting it the topic of specific (named) couples to come up at all, it sent a cold chill down my spine when it happened. Which for me is always a good sign I need to give it some thought. Where better to come to find answers than here!

[Learning]

Great topic. It's always good to keep this in mind. About a month ago I feel like I shared too much with our regulars where I was like wanting to go back into time and have a redo moment. Live and learn but I'm mindfully aware of what I share now.

[shy_couple]

Originally Posted by Learning

Great topic. It's always good to keep this in mind. About a month ago I feel like I shared too much with our regulars where I was like wanting to go back into time and have a redo moment. Live and learn but I'm mindfully aware of what I share now.

Same here. We were at a party chatting up a hot couple. We had agreed to meet them there in advance. Another couple that we knew came in and we said our hellos and everyone chatted and drank. When the second couple went to see what was happening in the back, we shared a little too much about the second couple than we should have.

Live and learn. Wont do it again.

[BiloxiCouple]

Some people will talk and some won't.

Guarantee, if you are a screw up you will get talked about or at least others will warn others.

Good people will also advise others about other.

Don't forget the non-verbal clues!!!

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by BiloxiCouple

Don't forget the non-verbal clues!!!

Great point!

People say soooo much without words.

LM

[exploringRM]

We do not avoid talking about other couples in general if the topic comes up in conversation. We know a few couples that have been in the l/s for awhile and inevitably they wind up knowing many people we meet and there are always connections.

And when you are at a meet and greet, it is obvious who knows who.

[The Fuse]

We avoid giving specifics. It's just tacky. And personal. We hope people don't talk about us too much, but people do talk. Sometimes it's obvious you're close to someone, and we might say we like them a lot, or praise them as people. But saying more? Okay, it's occasionally happened. But we do consciously avoid it.

[Playful1]

My general rule is if it is a conversation I wouldn't have with vanilla friends about someone, then I wont have it with swinger friends either.

i'll say i know someone, or hang out with them, or even inquire about things such as "oh, i heard they were getting a new dog. How did that go?" type of thing. Normal, friendly conversations.

[lizandtom]

Originally Posted by Coupleerotic22

Are we being paranoid, or over reacting? How do you handle these situation?

Who we know comes up often in our area, primarily due to a good amount of cert's in our Swing Lifestyle profile (bumbadie). The truth is, almost all of the couples we have met or emailed with are very nice, so that's what we say if people ask us about a couple. We'll never go into specifics but with questioning will go so far as to say we had a 'great' time with them, or perhaps didn't hit it off.

Luckily the circles we keep all know that anyone can have an off night, chemistry just doesn't exist with all attempts, and many times sexual compatibility just isn't happening. But when it's great.... whew.

We also remind them that just because we may or may not have hit it off with a couple, has absolutely NO bearing if they will hit it off with them too, as everyone is different and has different preferences, so give it a try; nothing ventured nothing gained.