My fiance says he wants to swing, but I'm scared...

[teenibopper27]

Hi. We're new to this whole lifestyle and my fiancee keeps saying he does want to invite other men in as well as women and we've actually already had a mff threesome, and we both enjoyed it immensely. About my fiancee, he's hard to read sometimes, and I can't always tell if he's gonna get mad about something or not. He keeps saying he wants to invite another couple, or even just on man, but with our past, I'm too scared to even say that I'm interested. He used to get jealous really easily and he's always been scared of me leaving him. Last fall we even talked about a mfm threesome, and when he finally got me to say that I did want to try it, even just once, he got mad and me and said that I should only want him, that he should be enough. And now he's changing his tune and says that he was just scared then. I understand the being scared and nervous, but because of all this I don't know how to respond to him telling me what he wants. I was prepared to get jealous over him and another woman having sex in front of me, but instead it turned me on even more. Why doesn't he understand that? I just don't know what to do. Because he IS enough for me, always has been, always will, and he's the one that I've chosen to spend forever with. And I really do want to try all of it, everything that we've discussed. Please help me.

[VegasLee]

First thing to do is stop playing with others for a bit.

Maybe have him read what you wrote here.

Until you are not afraid of him getting mad this Lifestyle is no place for either of you.

You two have to have full and complete trust and honesty between each other if this is going to work. Anything less and you will crash and burn big time.

This Lifestyle is not for everyone, not for most for that matter. It is great for those that can handle it but that is a very, very small percentage of the general population in this country/world. It can also blow up a relationship if any little thing is not right.

Talk to him, tell him your fears, let him read and then maybe go on in this lifestyle, or not.

Good luck to you.

[Newpants]

Swinging is not cheating and it is not replacing your current partner with somone else. Swinging is bringing a 3rd (or 4th or 5th or 10th) party into your bedroom for a little extra fun, stimulation and excitement for your SHARED ENJOYMENT AS A COUPLE.

If Mrs New was to cheat on me or to lose interest in me and start looking for a new mate, I would be extremely hurt and jealous. However if we both agree to bring in another male or female or couple into our bedroom and agree on all the parameters of how it will take place, it is usually a big turn-on to see each other in action with someone else.

Do you see the difference?

What makes all the difference in the world is whether both people agree on it and it is done for the MUTUAL benifit of the couple's sexual experience together as opposed to one person stepping out of the relationship for their own benifit at the expense of the excluded partner.

Do you see the difference?

If you do understand the difference fully, then maybe you can start making some steps forward.

If you do NOT see the difference and still think that any kind of outside sexual contact is adultry and wrong or will make either one of you uncomfortable and jealous, then you are not at a place to try any kind of swinging yet.

[prometheius]

It seems to me that you are both kind of young to be getting into the lifestyle, not that there is anything wrong with that, it does work for some folks. What I am talking about is that the two of you haven't been together all that long. Why not get to know each other better so that when you do decide to play with others you'll both know what to expect and you'll both know how the other person will react. There is no hurry to get out there and play, when you both are totally comfortable with each other and mature enough in your relationship to be sharing with others, there will be people eager to play with you. Take your time, there is no rush!

[intuition897]

(Hi folks, just dropping around to see what's shakin'!)

Hi teeni, welcome to the board.

It sounds kind of like your fiance is testing you. I think every couple goes through growing pains when they get into this; some breeze right through and others really struggle with certain parts of swinging psychology. This sounds like a lot of insecurity on his part. Now whether this is the product of his life experience or caused by something you did, I have no idea. Downplaying it won't work; it needs to be acknowledged and respected. I don't know how long you and your fiance have been together, but swinging usually works best when the couple has been together for quite some time. Definitely beyond the honeymoon phase, and preferably into that winding down phase where you've been through some serious shit together - kids, bills, illness, moving, etc. - and you've settled in. So if the relationship was a couch, if you don't have an ass-groove worn into it yet and it doesn't have popcorn and loose change under the cushions, it's probably a bit young yet to get the full benefit of swinging.

I would have to, firstly, echo what others have said. Listen to them because it's good advice. Definitely take the time to build your foundation. You've got an entire lifetime together to do this stuff. Sure it's fun, but so is getting to know one another. Don't act on your fantasies yet. Start by just talking them out. Your fiance is struggling with what he's been told to believe about love and sex and is trying to sort out what he really believes. It's no wonder that he's back and forth about it. My best advice would be to absolutely avoid game-playing and coyness like the plague. Be understanding and tactful, but call it like you see it. Do NOT assume anything about what he thinks, feels or believes. If you don't KNOW it with 100% certainty, ASK. And be as honest as can possibly be about your own feelings, both positive and negative. The best way to dispel his fears is with total transparency. Answer any question he has and be forthright about it. This also means nipping problems in the bud by standing up for what you want and speaking up when something is not acceptable to you. Can't stress that enough.

I hope this helps somewhat. Best of luck to you both.

[JustAskJulie]

It sounds like you guys really need to work on communication a lot more before you consider swinging again. You have to be able to talk about everything and trust that you are both being honest with your reactions and responses to discussion, as well as that you can discuss anything openly and honestly without repercussions. It doesn't sound like you have that level of communication at this point.

I can't blame you for being worried or wondering what he is really thinking. Is he testing you or is he for real and was he just really scared? Will he get scared again if you say that you want this again? or jealous or mad?

Lee's suggestion is good, have him read what you wrote here, if you don't feel you can tell him outright or that he's not listening when you do. Sometimes writing things down is the best way to communicate when people react too quickly, it gives them a chance to read and think before they react.

[Marts]

sounds like me at first

wife and I started be bed talk at first I was turned on by the talk and also jealous had that feeling in my belly lol 2 yrs later we spent 2 mths planing a mmf we started with rules if during we say stop we stop no kissing AND MAYBE INTERCOURSE MAYBE NOT it was great was all tuned on ect... our relationship was strong and trust her with my life also was a one time thing in vegas im from canada why I say that i needed someone that my wife couldnt see so there was no threat to me. so long story short if he brings him up ne honest with him tell him that last time u got mad tell him u dont care your anough but it would be fun ect.... take ur time talk fantasize for awhile then one day it will happen
if u do go ahead tell the guy everything like its ur first mmf hubby unsure the 3 of u make rules n follow them

GL

[Rivertour]

Some people just have a very jealous nature. He is excited about the possibilities, but still nervous because of the possible outcomes. First reassure him that you guys are in this together, never ever seperate. Second, have him set up any meetings with others that you may have. Just tell him if he sets it up you would be willing to go along, but it would be up to him and for his pleasure. Next when and if it happens, make sure he is included from start to finish. Afterwards, pay close attention to him and be careful how much you say positive or different from you two together. Especially include anything negative and everything that your husband does better. I know you shouldn't have to do all of that, but when he recognizes how much you love him, he will change his tune. It is just a little insecurity mixed in with the jealousy. Soon enough he will totally back off and not feel threatened at all. If he is like me, he will feel best when he sees and knows you are satisfied.

[JandT_Elkhart]

Sorry but we think there's more problems in this relationship than the "swinging" part.

You multiple times say you are SCARED of him, scared that he'll get mad, scared to have an honest conversation with him, etc.

Not only should you STOP the conversations about sharing/swapping, you should really discuss his anger problems and you should explore why you are even continuing this relationship.

[Edison Carter]

Susan here-- You do not need a partner that you are tested by nor one that you are scared of how they will react.

Speaking frankly, if any man 'tested' me by seeing how I'd answer a question and then throw it back at me as being unworthy of his love, let me tell you, his misogynistic, woman hating, psycho manipulative, game playing ass would hit the road !

Thank you and be kind to others

[Suburbia]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

First thing to do is stop playing with others for a bit.

Maybe have him read what you wrote here.

Until you are not afraid of him getting mad this Lifestyle is no place for either of you.

You two have to have full and complete trust and honesty between each other if this is going to work. Anything less and you will crash and burn big time.

This Lifestyle is not for everyone, not for most for that matter. It is great for those that can handle it but that is a very, very small percentage of the general population in this country/world. It can also blow up a relationship if any little thing is not right.

Talk to him, tell him your fears, let him read and then maybe go on in this lifestyle, or not.

Good luck to you.

I quoted this whole post' sunshine because this mans words are gold. I cosign on this 100%