I don’t want the lifestyle to overtake our relationship

[techchick]

Hi everyone, my husband and I are very new to the lifestyle and have only had a few encounters so far. We have communicated openly about our boundaries to keep things at most a soft swap or group situation right now, as we are not comfortable in a full swap situation. While we have both had fun so far there are a few things I need some advice on being new.


1.For safer sex-we originally wanted to find a few couples we could play with more often rather than many one time encounters. But right now we are still on the fence about what we want to do. One concern is that if we continue to see other couples and have intimate moments with them does that pose a potential risk for more emotional attachment? For more experienced couples how do you handle playing? Do you prefer many encounters or a more select few couples to play with and why?

2. How do you overcome a situation where only one person is attracted to the other couple? I don't want to be unfair by saying no to my husband if he really likes the wife--but what happens when I have no attraction to the husband?

3. As a new couple we have had several invitations to play-in the past few weeks we have seen 3 other couples and after a social we attended this weekend we have several others who would like to meet us as well. While I think the lifestyle is exciting and very fun-I mean I have really enjoyed things so far--I just worry about when is it too much. In other words how do you deal with being in the lifestyle and then dealing with the rest of your life too?

We want to enjoy the lifestyle but I don’t want it to overtake our relationship—we are married and love each other very much. In other words I don’t want either of us to feel as though there is a need for more what the other has to give—we just want to explore and play to enhance what we have together not to seek something we are missing in each other. So how do you keep things balanced and focused on your partner in your marriage while playing with others?

Thanks in advance for your advice

[Coupleerotic22]

Originally Posted by techchick

Hi everyone, my husband and I are very new to the lifestyle and have only had a few encounters so far. We have communicated openly about our boundaries to keep things at most a soft swap or group situation right now, as we are not comfortable in a full swap situation. While we have both had fun so far there are a few things I need some advice on being new.

Good for you, we hope you have fun. Looking forward at some of your questions I have a comment. The fact that you are soft swap will limit the number of couples that will want to play, so understand that first. But you need to stick with what you are comfortable with.

We used to entertain the idea of playing with soft swap couples but have sense changed out minds. My wife put it this way the other day "It's like going to dinner and having the waiter bring you the check after the appetizer. It may have been good but it didn't satisfy my appetite."

You need to stick with what you are comfortable with, and there are other soft swap couples, and full swap that will play soft, but over all you cut the field down, making it harder to find couples you are compatible with.

Originally Posted by techchick

1.For safer sex-we originally wanted to find a few couples we could play with more often rather than many one time encounters. But right now we are still on the fence about what we want to do. One concern is that if we continue to see other couples and have intimate moments with them does that pose a potential risk for more emotional attachment? For more experienced couples how do you handle playing? Do you prefer many encounters or a more select few couples to play with and why?

There is always some risk of emotional attachment. But if you are your spouse are secure in your relationship and truly love one another, then the risk is minimal.

As for us, a little emotional attachment is not a big deal, there is a huge difference between emotional attachment and love. We love each other. I have no problem with her (and she feels the same), about really liking her playmate. But if either of us ever starts feeling something more or even think it is possible, we pull back. One of our cardinal rules is nothing/no one interferes with our relationship. We talk about everything, we both have playmates that we really like, but none have come close to what she and I have.

As for the number of playmates you have, that is up to what you are comfortable with. For us, this is more of a hobby/reality escape, than a lifestyle. SO the number of partners is kept relatively low just because of the time involved. We have found partners that we really click with so we spend more of our time with them. But they are not always free when we are, so we find other playmates as well.

Originally Posted by techchick

2. How do you overcome a situation where only one person is attracted to the other couple? I don't want to be unfair by saying no to my husband if he really likes the wife--but what happens when I have no attraction to the husband?

That one is easy, if we both are not on board then we don't play. There are plenty of couples out there, you will likely find more than one you are both attracted to, unless each of you are looking for some level of perfection. Taking one for the team is something we never do, but we still have plenty of fun.

You need to understand, people have flaws. If you each have a hundred point check list that must be satisfied before you play, then you will have some lonely nights. I am not saying take anything, that comes your way, on the contrary. But understand what you are looking for and realize that no one is perfect.

Originally Posted by techchick

3. As a new couple we have had several invitations to play-in the past few weeks we have seen 3 other couples and after a social we attended this weekend we have several others who would like to meet us as well. While I think the lifestyle is exciting and very fun-I mean I have really enjoyed things so far--I just worry about when is it too much. In other words how do you deal with being in the lifestyle and then dealing with the rest of your life too?

Again, only you can decide how much time is right for you. But, as I said above, we treat it as a hobby. We have had couples that email or call us more frequently than we have time for. We politely explain that we have real lives to deal with and this comes after that. Everybody has their own limits, you just have to find what you are comfortable with and let potential playmates know what you can do. We have a couple we wish we could play with more often, but their schedules don't allow it. We also have a couple that wants us to play every weekend, which we can't do. But we are all adults and understand what we can do and are clear about it. IF they can't wait for you then they can move on and same for you.

Originally Posted by techchick

We want to enjoy the lifestyle but I don’t want it to overtake our relationship—we are married and love each other very much. In other words I don’t want either of us to feel as though there is a need for more what the other has to give—we just want to explore and play to enhance what we have together not to seek something we are missing in each other. So how do you keep things balanced and focused on your partner in your marriage while playing with others?

Thanks in advance for your advice

That is great. Your relationship should come first. If you are clear with each other as to why you are doing this, have a strong relationship and communicate openly and honestly with each other you should be fine. We stive to keep our playing and real life in balance, if one thinks it is slipping out of balance we talk. We know how much we love each other, we do this to have new experiences, explore and have fun, so for us it has not been a question of focus on our partner. We are focused on each other 98% of the time, the other tow percent, we focus on our playmates, and it has worked out fine for us.

[techchick]

Originally Posted by Coupleerotic22

Good for you, we hope you have fun. Looking forward at some of your questions I have a comment. The fact that you are soft swap will limit the number of couples that will want to play, so understand that first. But you need to stick with what you are comfortable with.

Thank you so much for responding--I really appreciate the insight. Being new we are exploring what we like. You mention that many full swap couples may not be interested because it does not satisfy their needs. We understand that--and for now we are okay if it limits our playing field. We just want to make sure that we don't dive in and end up hurting each other--we would rather take things slow and ease into a little at a time to make sure we are on the same page and both comfortable as we go.

If you don't mind my asking did you two ever encounter fears over your partner enjoying another playmate more than they enjoyed you?

[TNT]

Originally Posted by techchick

One concern is that if we continue to see other couples and have intimate moments with them does that pose a potential risk for more emotional attachment?

It could...and will to a certain extent. The more time one spends with another, the stronger the bond becomes. We have a few swinger friends that we have spent a lot of time with and love has developed, but it's the type of love you develop for a friend not the type of love we share with each other.

For more experienced couples how do you handle playing? Do you prefer many encounters or a more select few couples to play with and why?

For us...both. We enjoy and cherish our close swinger friends, but we also enjoy meeting new people.

2. How do you overcome a situation where only one person is attracted to the other couple? I don't want to be unfair by saying no to my husband if he really likes the wife--but what happens when I have no attraction to the husband?

You have two choices. Say "no thanks" or take one for the team. For ourselves, we are different from most in that taking one for the team isn't a big deal for either of us...we've both done it and we've both been thrilled for the one that got the better part of the deal. We feed off of the other's excitement and enjoyment so even when one of us "takes one for the team" we really aren't because watching and experiencing the other's pleasure, excitement and enjoyment is as important, if not more so, than our own.

3. In other words how do you deal with being in the lifestyle and then dealing with the rest of your life too?

So how do you keep things balanced and focused on your partner in your marriage while playing with others?

It's very easy to allow swinging to take over your life, especially when you're just starting out. The excitement is intoxicating and addictive. However, like anything else in life there comes a point where you have to find a balance.

You can think of swinging in terms of driving your car...at some point you have to stop and refuel or you're going to be stuck along side the road with an empty tank.

For us, we make sure we MAKE the time to just be with each other. Swinging is great, it's fun, it's exciting, but without taking care of our relationship first and foremost it wouldn't be any of those things.


Teresa

[bbarnsworth]

My answers are going to track somewhat with what Coupleerotic22 and TNT said above, but maybe the repetition is ok

Originally Posted by techchick

1.For safer sex-we originally wanted to find a few couples we could play with more often rather than many one time encounters. But right now we are still on the fence about what we want to do. One concern is that if we continue to see other couples and have intimate moments with them does that pose a potential risk for more emotional attachment? For more experienced couples how do you handle playing? Do you prefer many encounters or a more select few couples to play with and why?

I don't mean to trivialize the general issue, but there is a risk in developing an emotional attachment with a co-worker with whom you never have an intimate moment. What about vanilla couples that you are friends with? Such a couple you might see many times, engage in many fun activities with, just never have sex with. You can certainly develop an emotional attachment for your counterpart in that other couple without ever having intimate moments with them. People rightfully get concerned about the development of emotional attachments. But, I think the bigger issue isn't the emotional attachment and how it comes about; it's what you choose to do in response to it.

For my wife and I, we recognize that if you play with a certain person many times, it's almost inevitable that you will develop some emotional attachment for that person. For us, we draw the line at romantic feelings. I'm perfectly fine with my wife loving a play partner she's had sex with dozens of times (hasn't happened yet, but may someday). I don't think she could avoid loving him. If she develops romantic love feelings for him, that's different. We have a rule that if either of us begins to feel that, or if we believe it's happening in our play partners, we stop playing with them cold turkey. We have no concerns or worries of any sort in regards to our ability to evaluate that for ourselves, and openly communicate it to each other. We value our relationship very deeply, and would never do something to harm it. We know adding romantic love for another would harm what we have. We won't have it.

We prefer consistent play partners. In our experiences in swinging, we've had lots of good times, but finding partners that make for GREAT times is more tricky. We prefer to find the great ones, then keep them around, so to speak. It takes a lot of effort and time sometimes to get to the point of playing with a given person or couple. To have to keep repeating that over and over again, when you've already found a great play partner because of arbitrary limits on the number of times you get to play with that partner seems very counter productive.

I remember reading a post by a woman here a long time ago who had recently had sex with a phenomenal play partner. He was perfectly endowed for her, amazing in bed, gave her fantastic orgasms, etc. He was a 10+. But, she and her husband had a rule of playing only one per play partner to avoid the possibility of developing emotional attachment to someone. That seemed really sad to me. Find the perfect sex partner, then denied ever having him again and forced to go searching for a replacement all over again. It's like dooming yourself to mediocre experiences in swinging hoping to find the few gems.

Originally Posted by techchick

2. How do you overcome a situation where only one person is attracted to the other couple? I don't want to be unfair by saying no to my husband if he really likes the wife--but what happens when I have no attraction to the husband?

That's easy. On to the next couple! Never take one for the team. Getting attraction all the way around is sometimes tricky. It can be a challenge. But, never settle for a situation you're not comfortable with. One of the big benefits of swinging is having a lot of fun. You will NOT have fun if you're playing with a guy you don't really want to be playing with while hearing/seeing your husband having an amazing time with the other woman. In fact, it's a recipe for disaster. Avoid it.

That said, if on a scale of 1-10 your husband is into the wife of the other couple at a 10, and you're at an 8 for the other husband, and you feel a need to be at a 6 to play, you don't both have to be at a 10 to play. The point is, would you play with the guy irrespective of your husband? That's not being selfish; that's evaluative. Don't play with someone you don't want to play with. Make sure you and your husband are _both_ wanting to play. There's nothing wrong with saying no to a couple or your husband. There's everything wrong with playing with someone whom you don't want to play with.

Originally Posted by techchick

3. As a new couple we have had several invitations to play-in the past few weeks we have seen 3 other couples and after a social we attended this weekend we have several others who would like to meet us as well. While I think the lifestyle is exciting and very fun-I mean I have really enjoyed things so far--I just worry about when is it too much. In other words how do you deal with being in the lifestyle and then dealing with the rest of your life too?

We want to enjoy the lifestyle but I don’t want it to overtake our relationship—we are married and love each other very much. In other words I don’t want either of us to feel as though there is a need for more what the other has to give—we just want to explore and play to enhance what we have together not to seek something we are missing in each other. So how do you keep things balanced and focused on your partner in your marriage while playing with others?

My wife and I ran into a single male whom we were going to meet. Then he started getting flaky on us. First, he tells us he found a couple and he's no longer interested in us. Then the next day, we get a text message from him expressing interest again. The yo-yo routine. We dropped him. But, during the dropping he found out we'd probably want to play with him no more than 1-3 times every two months. He freaked, said we weren't serious swingers if we didn't want to play with him 6-8 times a month (!!!). We laughed and laughed at that! We politely told him to get lost and moved on.

Your idea of frequency for swinging is your idea. Nobody should dissuade you or try to convince you that you should play more or less frequently. It's a personal decision. If you want to play twice a year, then play twice a year. If you want to play every weekend, then play every weekend. If you want a consistent couple, it might be trickier to maintain a 'relationship' (using term loosely) with that couple if you only want to play twice a year. So, there might be tradeoffs to achieve what you want. You might decide to play a bit more frequently to accommodate a great couple you've played with, or play less frequently to accommodate them if you just want to play with them. Whatever works for you.

My wife and I make sure we have 'us' time. We don't swing every free minute we have away from kids and other obligations. Before swinging, we'd spend time together on lots of things. We still do. We swing for many reasons, but we'd never ever want swinging to supplant our time, our intimacy, our connection. We'd give up swinging long before we even got close to that.

Originally Posted by techchick

If you don't mind my asking did you two ever encounter fears over your partner enjoying another playmate more than they enjoyed you?

Fear? No. Anticipation? Yes As I said to my wife, if she found another man who was doing something incredible with her, and there was a way I could do it, I'd be talking with him and/or watching closely to see how he did it! To us, this was a potential benefit of the lifestyle, not a potential threat.

The reality is that there are billions of people on this planet. It is a virtual statistical improbability that the person you married is the absolute BEST person in the entire world for your sexual needs. There's a reasonable chance that in swinging you might find a person who is able to give you more powerful orgasms than your husband, and person who sends you into pavlovian drooling at the prospect of having sex with him, a man who practically makes you pass out from sexual sensory overload. To me, if my wife finds that, that's a GREAT thing! Sign him up! Keep him around!

My mother used to say, "Sex is not the bricks of a marriage. It's the cement that keeps it together". I don't know if she was entirely right; I have different thoughts on sex being the cement. But, she was definitely right that sex does not make a marriage. There should be a few bazillion facets to your relationship with your husband. If your husband is not a good cook, and it's a subject of some jocularity between you, would you be worried about your reaction to talking with a five star chef? Same goes for sex.

My wife and I share a very special connection. It's taken many years to develop, and lots of intimacy, closeness, learning, understanding, communication. No play partner, no matter how many times we have sex with them, could supplant that. In my life, I am fortunate enough to routinely encounter young, beautiful women. But to me, it's like viewing a fine piece of art. Very pleasurable to see, but the idea of replacing my wife with her is absurd. The same applies in swinging. I might thoroughly enjoy another play partner, but the idea of her replacing my wife is just ludicrous.

[Coupleerotic22]

Originally Posted by techchick

Thank you so much for responding--I really appreciate the insight. Being new we are exploring what we like. You mention that many full swap couples may not be interested because it does not satisfy their needs. We understand that--and for now we are okay if it limits our playing field. We just want to make sure that we don't dive in and end up hurting each other--we would rather take things slow and ease into a little at a time to make sure we are on the same page and both comfortable as we go.

If you don't mind my asking did you two ever encounter fears over your partner enjoying another playmate more than they enjoyed you?

I think that is a great plan. Protecting your relationship is critical.

To answer your question. Yes, and no. First, we have been swinging less than a year, but have been pretty active. We talked about it in fantasy for years. Long before we took the big step we discussing swing top to bottom and inside out.

The topic of "what if you like what your playmate does sexually, better than you what I do" was one of many topics. SO was "what if you start falling for someone other than me." We both approached the question from our own perspective and how we would feel about it.

On the love issue, we are deeply in love and can't see that changing for anything or anyone. But we also realize feelings can grow. We know each other pretty well after over 20 years of marriage. SO we can see changes in each other fairly readily. But just in case we miss it, we have made promises to each other to pull back if things get to a point that we think we are feeling something close to falling in love. I think we would both see it in the other if it were happening, but if not we both know that we need to pull back. SO far no problems at all. And I feel more secure in this all the time.

On the "better sex" part, yes we did talk about it. And we both agreed that it is not only possible, but likely that we will encounter someone who is better in someway than our spouse at some part of sex.

I know some couples disagree with us on this point, but we agreed to he honest about it and tell our spouse if it happened.

Guess, what it has for both of us. And at first it felt a little harsh to be told he was better at something than I was. And my wife was a little jealous that a playmate of mine was better at something than she was. But we felt that total openness and honesty was best. We felt that little lies could turn into big ones and cause problems.

How that has worked out? Great! We are totally open with each other, which works for us.

But the best benefit has been exploring how someone else was better in bed. As a result we are both better in bed with each other than we were before.

We have both since surpassed the playmate at what we felt they had been better than our spouse. Now we look forward to hearing that each others playmate surpassed us in some way because its an opportunity to learn something new for each other.

We come home and relive our experience and make love to each other. I look forward to my wife telling me " he did this and it really felt great", then trying to figure out what felt so good to her an trying it out. And the same is true for her. What is really wild is that while doing that, we have discovered new things that no one has don't to either of us. SO it is a win win

That said, you also need to realize, that sometimes what is perceived as better is really nothing more than being new. The first few times you are with a new playmate every little thing is exciting, kind of like dating. But over time you realize that there was nothing unique about what they did to make sex so good, it was more about them being a new experience. But sometimes they ARE just that good, it has been a great thing to explore.

I think the biggest fear that people have is that their spouse will like something about their playmate better. And that will translate our spouse wanting them more. We both have playmates we want to be with time and again, but at the end of the day we have a relationship that is about far more than sex. So even if someone out performs us now and then, its not a big deal. IF we can improve ourselves that much the better. If the playmate remains better, no big deal either, it is just an opportunity for my love to get a great thrill and still come home to me.

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by techchick

Hi everyone, my husband and I are very new to the lifestyle and have only had a few encounters so far. We have communicated openly about our boundaries to keep things at most a soft swap or group situation right now, as we are not comfortable in a full swap situation. While we have both had fun so far there are a few things I need some advice on being new.


1.For safer sex-we originally wanted to find a few couples we could play with more often rather than many one time encounters. But right now we are still on the fence about what we want to do. One concern is that if we continue to see other couples and have intimate moments with them does that pose a potential risk for more emotional attachment? For more experienced couples how do you handle playing? Do you prefer many encounters or a more select few couples to play with and why?

2. How do you overcome a situation where only one person is attracted to the other couple? I don't want to be unfair by saying no to my husband if he really likes the wife--but what happens when I have no attraction to the husband?

3. As a new couple we have had several invitations to play-in the past few weeks we have seen 3 other couples and after a social we attended this weekend we have several others who would like to meet us as well. While I think the lifestyle is exciting and very fun-I mean I have really enjoyed things so far--I just worry about when is it too much. In other words how do you deal with being in the lifestyle and then dealing with the rest of your life too?

We want to enjoy the lifestyle but I don’t want it to overtake our relationship—we are married and love each other very much. In other words I don’t want either of us to feel as though there is a need for more what the other has to give—we just want to explore and play to enhance what we have together not to seek something we are missing in each other. So how do you keep things balanced and focused on your partner in your marriage while playing with others?

Thanks in advance for your advice

Excellent questions. I haven't read through all the responses so forgive me if I am just saying the same things all over.

#1. I have never once ever heard anyone say, "we want to screw as many people as we can." Even the people we know that play with dozens and dozens and dozens of different people a year say they are looking for a few select friends to play with. They only difference between them and you (and me for that matter) is the number they actually end up "selecting."

What I have seen and experienced a lot in the lifestyle is what Dr Helen Fisher would probably call "serial selectivity." What that means is you select one or two couples for a period of time whether it be a couple weeks or a couple months and you play with them untill one of the 4 gets bored or wants to move on and then you drift away and in time you find another couple to replace them for a period of time, and so on and so on.

The choice often won't be yours of how long you play with someone. You may play a few times and wish to continue playing with them but they decide they want to move on and dump you. The next couple you play with might want to continue to play with you but you or your hubby decides it time for you to move on.

As far as attachments and problems from getting too close, Since we have been in the lifestyle the drama and hurt feelings and damaged relationships have all come from trying to maintain an ongoing relationship with another couple and not from having a one nighter.

I'm not knocking either option, just relating what we have seen and experienced.

#2. If you do not desire someone you will only cause yourself and everyone else distress and discomfort. There is nothing but trouble to be gained by taking one for the team. finding a 4-way click is the single hardest thing to do in the lifestyle. Being able to play separately at a house party or group situation helps but is not a cure.

If you take one for the team it will make you resentfull and leave a bad taste in your mouth and your hubby will feel guilty (if he is a decent guy) and the other guy will be able to tell and will be disappointed and resentfull too.

There is no easy solution, if the attraction isn't there, just keep looking.

#3. Opportunities in the lifestyle often seem to peak and valley. You are at a peak right now- go for it!! Next month you may not be able to score in a whorehouse and sometimes dry spells can last for months. Most of the offers and invitations come when you are new and are fresh meat to established swingers in the area so enjoy the popularity while you can.

As with everything in life, it is all about balance. If you focus too much on one thing, something else may suffer. Just be consciensious about it and strive to keep life in balance and if you feel that things are getting out of whack - they probably are.

Get out and have fun but the bills will still need to be paid, the kids still need to be fed and you still have to get to work on time.