A Crossroads in Swinging

[MulderNScully]

We had a great weekend...sort of.


This past weekend was an anniversary party for our new favorite on-premise place we are going to in SW Ohio. It was a great crowd! Over 150 couples and single folks there, great music, good dancing, and the flirting was out in force. There was a couple who we just immediately loved chatting with and for most of the night we just drew to them. The wife of the other couple and me, Mulder, were kissing hard and heavy. We were ready to get it on! The husband was ready, of course, because he saw how hot and heavy we were going at it and assumed Scully was ready to get it on too. Not so. It seems Scully had some very deep reservations and wasn't ready to just jump in and take one for the team.

After a bit of chatting together to find out where she was at, it came to light she had some real reservations about the circumstances. Sure, she could forget her feelings and just go for it; I told her if she had any reservations or issues we don't go any further unless we both are in it together mentally.

It turns out she had a deep fear that any venturing into a new "relationship" (or any beyond the one we tried to establish) wouldn't be like the one great pool of friends we made at a club we used to go to in Dayton. The club has since closed and opened at another area at least 60 miles from us, but we still are good friends with at least five or six couples. Some of these couples have shared our lives--in and out of the Lifestyle--for over five years.

So here we are in a new venue with a potential couple who is interested in us and Scully is getting cold feet. We told the couple we were sorry we couldn't return the favor for the night but we would love to hook up with them down the road. But this has opened the door for some deep issues.

We're both in our mid 40's. We've changed bodily (despite loss of weight) where it seems more couples gravitate towards me than towards her. When we started together she was the one who would get all the calls from people. Now the roles have switched, but my mindset is that if she's not part of the equation there is no equation.

So we're forced to face some issues: Should we stay in the Lifestyle? Should we leave and keep friends with our old friends? Should we lower our expectations? How do I help Scully feel better about herself and to re-assure her there are other situations out there where we could meet up with a group as good, if not better, than the ones we are so fond of?

And a good question for this smart board: If you have been, or are, in the situation we're both in where we are in the turn of age for us what did you do to face this new phase of our lives?

Mulder
(MulderNScully)

[Learning]

Mulder, wow what amazing communication you have with scully! Major kudos on how you are thinking as a team. We haven't been in the lifestyle that long but I'm speaking on being a female with dealing with body image stuff so here's my two cents.

" we're forced to face some issues: Should we stay in the Lifestyle?". Well What do you think? Do you need some time to take it all in? Grow some confidence? Focus on building relationships in the community and take the focus off of playing?
"Should we leave and keep friends with our old friends?" Fun thing about swinging is meeting new couples, isn't it? Maybe she needs more time to warm up with couples that you are meeting. You tend to get comfortable with old friends but new friends initially you have that fear of rejection. That is something I personally struggle with. I get s little scared of getting with a couple because I look awesome in clothing for my size but I have lost a great deal of weight over the years so I'm not perfect. No one has said anything to me but it does bother me until we get into a situation and then I'm able to push it aside. "Should we lower our expectations?" NO! That would be a horrible idea. Wouldn't it? "How do I help Scully feel better about herself and to re-assure her there are other
situations out there where we could meet up with a group as good, if not better, than the
ones we are so fond of?" Well just support her. She has to identify that she needs to strengthen her view of herself. Confidence is the sexiest thing isn't it but it has to come from within...she has to feel it. Women of all ages struggle with this at different times in their lives. Luckily Scully has some support with you

Just a thought, having her get used to the new club can help. Plus if the couple is uber into you both, they will be there again ready for action. Just look at your pace right now. Take care and keep us posted on this

[Coupleerotic22]

I am a little confused. What is the main issue.

Is her issue, that she IS being rejected more frequently, perhaps too frequently, for her taste or is it the FEAR of being rejected? Or is it that she has the idea that any new relationships will not compare to the old ones you have had?

You also, said "take one for the team" which sounds like she just may not have been attracted to the other person.

IF she is being rejected more often, then why? Looks change and so do personalities. But generally there are people out there that you can find a match with.

[LagniappeDC]

First off, just wanted to say good for you on how you both handled that situation. It serves as a great example of the fact that to be successful in swinging, you need to have a foundation of good communications, mutual trust, and respect and that was a perfect example.

I agree with the previous poster in not exactly understanding your question as you seem to have brought up two issues -- though they may be somewhat intertwined.

On the question of starting new relationships, that's hard. Finding a few couples where you have really good connections - and keeping up with them over month/years - is tough! We know from experience. Starting over can seem like a daunting task especially if that group of friends were the ones you primarily socialized and played with.

So you need to really get to the heart of the issue. Is your wife hesitant about meeting new people again. Is she not wanting to go through the long process of establishing new relationships. Or, perhaps, since "losing" your previous group, is she using this as a chance to re-evaluate whether she wants to still be in the lifestyle. Only she can really answer those questions.

Now, the fact that you mention that she isn't feeling as attractive as she used to, may be related. Perhaps she is fearing rejecting whereas before she had an established group of friends who accepted her for who she was and not necessarily based on looks.

If you can get to the real issues here, then you'll be in a better position to think about the big picture and your future plans.

best of luck!

[sweet_tna]

I think I get where ya'll are coming from on this one. My hubby and I haven't quite had the role reversal issue, but our previous "pool" of playmates has diminished/scattered a bit since the Meet & Greets we used to frequent disbanded. We also had some personal issues (family illness) that took us out of the game for awhile. We're trying to dip our toes back into the lifestyle waters, but both of us have gained some weight, and the self confidence is a bit low.

So . . . It seems your wife is getting cold feet about the whole meeting new people/fear of rejection process. There's a measure of confidence that comes when you have a semi-regular group of folks you can play/flirt with.

I do have to ask whether she was genuinely attracted to the potential playmates, as you did drop the phrase, "take one for the team."

At any rate, whether you stay in the lifestyle should be a question the two of you answer. If you choose to do so, I see no reason to ignore "old friends" if you still enjoy their company. As for making new friends, there's nothing wrong with that if ya'll are still interested in doing so. Just keep talking, ya'll are on the right track so far.

[lustylearning]

It sounds like you've got multiple issues rather than one issue.

Although Scully may have a not so great body image now, it doesn't appear to have stood in the way of meeting another couple with interest. I'm also not sure that age is a factor, though it appears, perhaps, that length of time in the lifestyle may be.

Does Scully want to drop out of the lifestyle? Does she want to drop old friends? These propositions surprised me, because I didn't see any lead up for them in the post preceding. If her deep fear is in developing what she may now deem to be meaningless romps in the hay, then maybe you guys could use the "friends first" approach with you couples you meet.

Maybe Scully has different hopes and goals in the lifestyle now based on her previous experiences. If so, then it sounds like you guys need to keep communicating about what your individual and mutual goals are as you venture out.

[MulderNScully]

(To Learning) Both, I believe I heard from Scully.

I think it is a combination of feeling she is not the focal point of attraction when it comes to hitting it off with other couples. She feels somehow that's switched to me (for some odd reason). She also feels a bit of worry that no group/couple/single person would compare to the rare group we hung out with for the past few years. I understand that and in some ways I feel that way too. I guess Scully feels more of a deeper worry than I do; I would just like to find another couple/single female we can connect on that level again and willing to try again.

Sorry for any confusion I may have caused.

[MulderNScully]

It's two pronged issues because of our age as mid 40s persons and because we're starting anew trying to find fellow "freaks" who are open-minded, no drama to carry, and are good friends both in and out of the Lifestyle scene. And I think some of you touched on some very good points about maybe helping her in making sure she has confidence in herself during this new phase in our swinging life.

I guess she kinda picked up from the other couple, in question, that they were not into "bi" women. However, being a black male I was primo for some good time with the husband hoping Scully will reciprocate the moment by having a romp with him. She wasn't up to it at all. I'll explain more as this thread goes along, but thanks for the input in advance and the good comments. I'm open to any or all suggestions.


Mulder

[exploringRM]

Though we've only been swinging for a little over 1.5 years, one thing we've seen in the l/s is that things are constantly changing. Friends have moved in and out of the lifestyle based on real life pressures. We ourselves have refined what we want out of swinging, and what our preferences are. People grow, people change. I don't think you can grab that perfect situation and make it last forever.

My experience in many things is it's hard to recreate what you once had. My opinion is that provided you don't constantly have bad experiences, there are good and great experiences in swinging..with the good alone making it worth it.


P.S. we started a little older so we've not experienced changins our ourselves quite as much as you have.

[Powerglide]

Originally Posted by MulderNScully

(To Learning) Both, I believe I heard from Scully.

I think it is a combination of feeling she is not the focal point of attraction when it comes to hitting it off with other couples. She feels somehow that's switched to me (for some odd reason). She also feels a bit of worry that no group/couple/single person would compare to the rare group we hung out with for the past few years. I understand that and in some ways I feel that way too. I guess Scully feels more of a deeper worry than I do; I would just like to find another couple/single female we can connect on that level again and willing to try again.

Sorry for any confusion I may have caused.

Understanding that free advice is worth every penny, it sounds to me like Scully is having a real self-confidence problem -- not unusual for folks of a certain age when forced to adapt to new realities. Is there anything else going on in Scully's life that's a problem for her right now? One thing the lifestyle should teach us is that physical appearance is only very loosely linked to sexiness and desirability. But when we're feeling unsure of ourselves, we forget such things. And since sexual confidence is very sexy, perhaps we have a little bit of a vicious circle going on. I'd suggest finding ways to help Scully accept that there is life after Dayton and that she will be a very sexy part of it.

[Pleasure King]

Just some thoughts here:

Because she isn't the main focus of attraction she isn't into swinging? Don't couples understand that eventually the tables may turn where the guy who sat through countless encounters taking one for the team as it were may become the object of desire?

[MulderNScully]

A very good point and one I will take to heart. Scully's been through a lot lately with work and life so I can imagine there are days where she feels not her best. Then we get a couple like we did on one of the Swing sites yesterday who wants to meet us, loves Scully's attitude, and seem like a real couple.

I am hoping for the best, but we'll have to change a bit and maybe broaden our horizons while never trampling on each other's feelings.

Mulder

[Powerglide]

Sounds like good news! I hope Scully regains her mojo, takes off her clothes, and devastates the county!

[RDfnd]

Originally Posted by Pleasure King

Just some thoughts here:

Because she isn't the main focus of attraction she isn't into swinging? Don't couples understand that eventually the tables may turn where the guy who sat through countless encounters taking one for the team as it were may become the object of desire?

"Taking one for the team", maybe if that was an agreed upon bilateral practice. Or minimally as most men realize once involved, the norm is that women have most if not all of the control whether they want it or not. There are many reasons for that and if couples can embrace it, then the experience can be a good one.

In the event that the male half is perceived to be "in the driver's seat", it would be wonderful if both were comfortable with the role reversal.

[CandLinPC]

I guess I'll give you the chance to wave the BS Flag at me, and share a recent experience that I've had.

My wife and I are new to the lifestyle, and have been to two on-premise club parties recently. The club is a small place, maybe 9 beds of total play-space. The wifey and I are both very close to the 300 lb mark. The first party, I was pretty self-concious, but drove right through it as if I was sky-diving for the first time. Near the end of the night, we got to watch a 'puppy pile' if you will of about 7 people. One of the ladies was around 47, and weighed an Ethiopian-esque 85 lbs or so; another, 140, another 235. As we watched, I finally experienced what I had been reading about. They were ALL beautiful, sexy, erotic, and arousing.

In this roundabout way, my suggestion would be to watch a bit, maybe not even play so that she can have the experience of finding others who may not be Barbie sexy. I don't know if a woman's mind works that way(I am a guy, so that's nothing new), but it worked well for me. I am truly confident in my body in that situation, and not pushing through fear.

I would also maybe suggest asking your friends from the previous club the same question you're asking us. They may have some insights on "side action", especially specific to your area.

Personally, the wife and I are looking for a stable of good friends that we can live our life with as well as the one-timer club visits. One is not necessarily better than the other, although you have your preferences. Also, you could invite your friends to the club you are now attending? Get a little bit of all of the action.

As I said earlier, we are still very new, so the BS flag and the grain of salt both apply, but I hope some part of my digression helped.

-CL