Outing ourselves to friends in the lifestyle that we don't want to play with...

[TwoTongues1999]

I have been friends with a couple for over a decade and they have been actively involved in the lifestyle for the past few years (although, they did have some soft swap experiences in college). They have always been really open with our group of friends about their involvement in the lifestyle and now that my husband and I are looking into it I would like to get their advice for getting started and ask them about the hotel parties and events in our area.

But neither one of us really wants to play with this other couple. I've just known them too long as friends and honestly it would be like trying to swing with my cousins. I know they don't feel the same way and would like to play with us, so I don't know how to out ourselves to them while at the same time tactfully letting them know that we still just want to remain friends.

[LikeMinds321]

If you ask for their help in getting involved in your local swinging community, I think you can be sure they'll assume you are open to playing with them (since you're certain they're interested in you).

Why do you feel you need their guidance? You've got all of us here to talk to.

What would wrong with getting involved in swinging without their personal assistance?

As far as hotel parties and events in your area, those are always mentioned on the site we belong to. If you're not already active in a swinger ad site, then I recommend finding one to join. Chose a site that has lots of people from your area.

In time your friends will find out, either through your profile, or by running into you at clubs or parties. But when they do see you they'll know you didn't come to them to get your start-up guidance and they'll probably take that as a clue you're not interested in playing with them.

That's how I'd handle it.

LM

[Lascivious L&L]

I think you're going to have to tell them directly sooner or later. Tell them the same way you told us. That it would be like playing with cousins for you.

They likely don't feel like it would be swinging with cousins, rather to them it would be like swinging with really good friends. For some that is the ideal situation. For you it isn't. So you need to be prepared for them not to understand your sexual non-attraction. It may affect your friendship.

If indeed they are interested in you, they may have fantasized about you for some time. If they are sensitive, they may have picked up on your growing interest in trying it yourself. You will run into them, probably rather quickly, even if you keep it from them. So telling them sooner rather than later seems to be the best course to me.

[TwoTongues1999]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Why do you feel you need their guidance? You've got all of us here to talk to.

LM

Mostly because they are the same age as we are, in approximately the same geographic location and can tell us precisely what the environment is at the clubs/events we would be attending locally. And since they aren't so far from being newbies themselves they can let us know how they were received in those places.

It isn't that we don't value the board because I have learned a lot reading all of your comments and the situations that come up for different people, I just thought that they would have much more specifically targeted information.

I am sorry if it seemed like I was being egotistical in assuming that they would want to play with us, but there was a very blunt and straightforward invitation made a few weeks ago.


Lascivious L&L I think that taps into my fear, that we would run into them without telling them first and that they would be upset that we hadn't said anything. I would like to keep them as friends, so hopefully they will accept our reticence to swing with them. Thank you.

[ncmd_couple]

I am sorry if it seemed like I was being egotistical in assuming that they would want to play with us, but there was a very blunt and straightforward invitation made a few weeks ago.

Twotonges,

If they invited you to play, and I’m assuming that you handled that in a way that didn’t upset them, then they already know that you aren’t interested in playing with them. It would be fairly easy for you to build on that exchange. Honesty is the best policy as far as I’m concerned. It is ok for you two to express curiosity about swinging and ask them questions. It is also ok for you to let them know that their friendship is more important to you than a sexual encounter and that you don’t want to risk that.

You never know, they might be your “Wingman” as you explore the swinging lifestyle.

S

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by TwoTongues1999

I am sorry if it seemed like I was being egotistical in assuming that they would want to play with us, but there was a very blunt and straightforward invitation made a few weeks ago.


Lascivious L&L I think that taps into my fear, that we would run into them without telling them first and that they would be upset that we hadn't said anything. I would like to keep them as friends, so hopefully they will accept our reticence to swing with them. Thank you.

When they made the blunt and straightforward invitation how did you respond? Where do things stand with them right now?

Another question for you. Do you not want to play with them for the feel-good and politically correct reason you told us here or is it because you do not find them attractive and desirable?

I'm not meaning to sound snide or sarcastic, I just realize that the reason people say in public is often not the real reason. I want to know the real reason as it will influence which way to go with this.

Give us a little info on how you responded to their invitation and what your real thoughts on them are and maybe we can work this out and maybe not.

[Alura]

Playing with good friends is the situation we always sought. Playing with strangers never entered our minds. There must be a happy medium. Where is it?

Alura

[LagniappeDC]

If you truly think that you'll run into them in the local scene, then you may actually risk more hurt feelings by not telling them now and having them just find out.

The one thing you'll find about being in the lifestyle is that if you don't have open, honest communication with your spouse and play partners, there is room for too much drama. When we aren't interested, we do find polite ways to say so, but we've found that the more "obscure" we are with our rejection, the more it seems to open up room for them to keep pursuing us.

Go out for drinks with them. Tell them you are interested in learning from them, but you wouldn't want to have play get in the way of your friendship. If you are interested in them physically, it doesn't hurt to say that...but draw your boundaries. They should be able to respect your honesty, maintain your friendship and be good hosts!

[good times]

First off, I would definitely tell them, rather than let them find out in some other way in which you have no input.

My advice would be to be straight with them, and tell them that while you would value their advice, and like them as much as ever as friends, you are not interested in them sexually. Assuming they have been swinging for a while, they should know the score, so to speak, and have already come to terms with the reality that, all those they are interested in are not necessarily interested in them. I have been in a similar situation as they would be, and when our friends indicated to us that they were interested in our advice, but not interested in us sexually, we just took it in stride, no hard feelings at all.

[JandT_Elkhart]

"Hey guys, we'd like some advice on swinging, etc. etc. We're looking to expand/refine our 'rules' which are... (and include We have decided not to play with people we have previous friendships with, no matter how attracted we may be to them".

That way, they know it's a set rule, and it gives them a little ego boost with the possiblity that you "may be" attracted to them... it also doesn't completely shut the door to future interaction since rules may change, but attractions usually don't.


By the way, we "outted" ourselves to a group of vanilla friends one drunk evening. 2 hours of questions later all is good. One (male) friend has since been asking for advice and we've given it - and he knows that we only play with couples so there's no problem there...

[atlcpl4pla]

We have totally been in this situation for the last few months - we're not new, but we took a break for a couple of years and have recently started re-exploring. When we were on "inactive" status, we accidentally ran across some friends on Swing Lifestyle and so they have thought once we get back in the "on" position we'd be game.

Our main beef (and I think a good argument to tell someone) is that you don't want to breach that subject with established friends for numerous issues that we, with our good misfortune, have learned the hard way. First, if things go south, you guys and them probably all may have other friends that tie all of you together, and if they are outward about being swingers, then it's rumors galore. Second, it's a hell of a lot harder to reject them if the sex wasn't good. Third, if you cross paths with them regularly and things go south (such as you decide you didn't really like swinging with them after all)- it's really awkward. We now have just decided when something like that happens we let them know our rule is not to play with friends that we established outside of the lifestyle.

Not a part of your situation, but just to mention - we would STRONGLY advise never being suckered into helping to introduce curious friends to the lifestyle. We had one set of friends that prodded and pushed us about it - 3 days after it happened they told us they were concerned about the moral safety of our neighbors with people like us preying on innocent couples and corrupting them. Lol... we're so laid back too, lessons learned!

[padoc]

Im not sure what the issue is with playing with a cousin. I have a cousin & her husband in Philly(5'5, 110, auburn hair..he's a good looking Italian guy) that we'd have loved to run into at the Pleasure Garden Club!

Seriously, if you're friends with these folks and they are attractive to you, why eliminate them as possible playmates? We've read hundreds of profiles where the couples say "no bed notchers, friends first". You have already done the hard part, why not be open to the possibilities?

[realcplub2]

Originally Posted by TwoTongues1999

I have been friends with a couple for over a decade and they have been actively involved in the lifestyle for the past few years (although, they did have some soft swap experiences in college). They have always been really open with our group of friends about their involvement in the lifestyle and now that my husband and I are looking into it I would like to get their advice for getting started and ask them about the hotel parties and events in our area.

But neither one of us really wants to play with this other couple. I've just known them too long as friends and honestly it would be like trying to swing with my cousins. I know they don't feel the same way and would like to play with us, so I don't know how to out ourselves to them while at the same time tactfully letting them know that we still just want to remain friends.

I read everything, as well as your reply, and decided to go back to the beginning, so bear with me.

In this post, you actually use the best words and phrases to break it to them a gently as possible, without offending them.

I've just known them too long as friends and honestly it would be like trying to swing with my cousins.

Use that and build on it, explain you are looking for a MENTOR, not playmates, because with the history you already share, it MIGHT ruin what you already have with them.

I would suggest the women inviting the half of the couple that they are most comfortable with, to lunch and have a frank girl to girl conversation about it, its the best way to deal with it, if you decide to do so.

Guys being guys arent as likely to get to the heart of the matter and communicate it the way that the two ladies can. Lets face it, guys being guys NEVER have the type of sex conversations women do.

[lizandtom]

TwoTongues, are you sure that you aren't confusing an overly nice couple with hitting on you? Couples in the lifestyle are known for their openness and since you know they're in the lifestyle you may be a bit presumptuous in thinking they want to bed you.

Most people in the lifestyle don't want to have sex with anyone that's not mutually interested.

Not having been in the lifestyle, you may be assuming too much here.

I think you can tell them that you are interested in exploring the lifestyle and they will most probably tell you all there is to know about your local scene. IF AND WHEN they get that 'look' and body language that they want to take it to a further level, cross that bridge then; you may just be comfortable enough at that point where it may actually work out and be fun. That's happened to us with someone my wife had known for 17 years, then we found out they are in the lifestyle. They were sooo apprehensive about playing with us for the same reason as you, but after testing it out, it has blossomed into a great multi-year friendship with benefits.