Is my girlfriend a cheating swinger?

[jdavisauto]

I and my girlfriend been together now for about ten years. 9 of which we been in the swinging life style. Just a little background here. We don't live together and our jobs runs opposit of each other. When we go out it mostly after I just got off a 12 hour shift and, well you know that old story. My girlfriend move and got a bigger apartment, also she got some roommates. Her daughter and her husband move in with her and another guy name Joe (Not his real name). Joe is 20 so I was not threatened by a single male being a roommate with my girlfriend (who is 43) seeing the age difference. We do have a open relationship and have been with other people but only after we let the other one know about it before hand and we never hide it from each other. About 2 weeks ago I started noticing things between them. A touch of the hands as she walk by him, the way she looks at him when he comes in the room. One day about a week ago I got off work early and stop by on my way home. when I walk in she was topless in front of Joe and took off running into her bedroom when she saw me. She said nothing was going on and that she was getting dress. Her daughter yesterday told me that when they got up Friday morning that Joe came out of her bedroom and that she was laying on her bed in the nude.
Now I am not jealous nor upset but I do wish that she would stop lying and just tell me if something is going on or not and hell share the fun.
What would you do in a situation like this?

[Tia Vampire]

I would just ask her what is going on. Seems like in your abscence, she has found someone that has time to keep her company. Also let her know that you are not upset about the situation. Being in a poly relationship is something you both may be open to. Ofcourse "Joe" need to find a girlfriend of his own to share. The possibilities are endless.

[fun4Ds]

J, I'm not experienced with actual "open relationships" but some ground rules should be discussed if you are in any kind of relationship at all. Preferably on neutral ground and since you both have your own homes, I would maybe meet somewhere like a restaurant or even a park, and talk. Not around the daughter and especially not around Joe at this time. (FWIW: I would think he is pretty clueless about swinging)

I doesn't sound like she is cheating, per sa, but I certainly feel like your feeling "cheated out of the fun"


fun4ds

[LikeMinds321]

Something is going on.

I don't know why she isn't admitting that.

I would take her out for something as simple as getting ice cream, and sit in the car enjoying it, whatever would be informal and enjoyed by you both. Talk with her then, when alone and in a private place. Hopefully she will explain her behavior with and her feelings for this young man.

You feel cheated and I understand why. Yes, a swinger can be a cheater. Time to clarify how you both define the relationship arrangement you have.

Good luck.

LM

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Time to clarify how you both define the relationship arrangement you have.

Yeah, 10 years and you are still GF & BF? You don't live together and you have been in the lifestyle for 9 years. I hate to sound like my grandmother but untill there is a ring on her finger and date set she is a free woman who can wrap her legs around whoever she wants.

Are you upset that the woman you love and cherish and would die for is getting feelings for someone else or are you a little upset that you missed out on some playtime? Those are two completely different things.

This is probably a relationship issue rather than a swinging issue and I agree that it is probably 9 years overdo to have a little sit-down and decide just exactly what your relationship is going to be.

If she has just been a fuckbuddy for 10 years, it is in her right to do whatever and whoever she pleases with or without you.

[maniaco333]

My wife and I have an open relationship but the open not only applies to being able to play with others it also applies to full disclosure and complete honesty. If we felt like we could not trust each other on everything I don't think we can continue to do this.

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by jdavisauto

She was topless in front of Joe and took off running into her bedroom when she saw me.

This is blatant proof that she KNOWS what she is doing with Joe is wrong. This is something that hasn't been mentioned in other posts yet that I can see. Does she have a right to have sex with someone else? Sure. My wife has that right too. But, not without prior notification. Just like my wife, your girlfriend gave up that right when she agreed to the nature of your open relationship; prior notification is required. Your girlfriend knows, beyond a doubt, that what she is doing is wrong. If it wasn't wrong, she would not have bolted from the room.

Originally Posted by jdavisauto

Now I am not jealous nor upset but I do wish that she would stop lying and just tell me if something is going on or not and hell share the fun. What would you do in a situation like this?

Well, you know something is going on. If you don't, you need brain replacement surgery

To me, in this scenario Joe has little to do with the problem. The problem is your girlfriend is lying to you. After ten years together, she's decided to actively lie to you about something, and worse lying to you about something that anyone could see. Her lie is tissue thin and heavy as a mountain.

Personally, I do not tolerate lying well. My wife and I discuss everything of importance in our lives, and keep nothing of importance back. Trust is a very, very strong thing. It can wipe away many fears, withstand many storms. But, it is also brittle. It does not bend well, and shatters easily. Once shattered, it is difficult to regain. Lying undermines everything. It treats the relationship exceptionally poorly, and makes it impossible to develop strong bonds.

As others have noted, I would have a heart to heart discussion with her about the nature of your relationship. I personally would make it exceptionally clear that I would not tolerate lying. I expect that someday, I'll come home and find my wife with her play partner. But, I'll know, even if in a general sense, in advance that such an occurrence might happen. My wife won't do it behind my back. Your girlfriend IS doing this behind your back, and insulting your intelligence by feeding you a pack of lies so offensive smelling that even flies wouldn't lay eggs in it.

I would also insist on Joe moving out, and the relationship they have together being permanently severed. If she wants to have the right to have sex with whomever she wants whenever she wants regardless of prior approval, that's up to you to decide if you want or not. You can't make her abide by your rules. You can only choose what is right for you. But, I would never in a million years accept her saying the rules are one thing, and her actions directly violating those rules. This 'status quo' ends, and now.

[VegasLee]

Something everyone needs to remember.

There is ALWAYS three sides to each and every story when it comes to relationships.

His side, Her side and the real story.

Each side will always see things like this in a different way. Does not make them wrong. It is just the view from where they are standing at the time.

[MsGoneWild]

Originally Posted by Newpants

Yeah, 10 years and you are still GF & BF? You don't live together and you have been in the lifestyle for 9 years. I hate to sound like my grandmother but untill there is a ring on her finger and date set she is a free woman who can wrap her legs around whoever she wants.

Are you upset that the woman you love and cherish and would die for is getting feelings for someone else or are you a little upset that you missed out on some playtime? Those are two completely different things.

This is probably a relationship issue rather than a swinging issue and I agree that it is probably 9 years overdo to have a little sit-down and decide just exactly what your relationship is going to be.

If she has just been a fuckbuddy for 10 years, it is in her right to do whatever and whoever she pleases with or without you.

I don't agree with your first paragraph at all. I'm not married, no date is set but i would NEVER cheat on my boyfriend. Being in a relationship is being in a relationship. -- it shouldn't matter whether you're married or engaged or not. Even married spouses can cheat, we've seen that here.

To the OP; you need to talk to her. We don't have much of an idea of how your relationship is with her (committed girlfriend/fiance/open relationship/friend with benefits/etc). Communication would be the thing I'd suggest. If she's hiding things from you there is obviously something going on.

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by MsGoneWild

I don't agree with your first paragraph at all. I'm not married, no date is set but i would NEVER cheat on my boyfriend. Being in a relationship is being in a relationship. -- it shouldn't matter whether you're married or engaged or not. Even married spouses can cheat, we've seen that here.

Whether you see other people or not is your business and what you choose to do. If you choose to be monogamous in a dating relationship that is your choice and there is nothing wrong with that choice.

However untill both parties agree to mutual exclusivity both parties have the right to date and see and go to bed with whoever they want. In a strictly dating relationship there is no committment, that is what dating is. You can agree to whatever you want but there is no inherent obligation in dating. So no, not all relationships are created equal or the same. You can treat it as such if you want but like my grandmother used to say, "no ring, no date, no commitment."

The point I was trying to get across was that they have only been dating for 10 years and 9 of those have been in an open relationship. This is a pretty loosely held together relationship and at this point he really does not have much claim over her.

As the other posters have pointed out, there are some issues here and this is not a healthy or stable situation or relationship. She has the right to screw whoever she wants but the fact that she is hiding it and lying about it and trying to cover it up and get away with it is what is causing the issues here.

[lizandtom]

Just 2 cents here: Your girlfriend has lost some of her better judgement because a 20 year old guy has found her interesting, and she's a bit love struck with the attention she's getting and doesn't know how to handle it properly. You seem to be pretty cool with it all, so no doubt her 'cougar' fantasy will play itself out before long and she'll come around to be normal again. Just tell her you're pretty sure she's F'ing him, but it's not a problem, and you guys are still solid.

Like you initially derived, their age difference is so great that an actual relationship developing out of this isn't probable, although when their sex does come to an end, she may need a lot of help from you in picking up the pieces.

[slevin]

Originally Posted by Newpants

However untill both parties agree to mutual exclusivity both parties have the right to date and see and go to bed with whoever they want. In a strictly dating relationship there is no committment, that is what dating is. You can agree to whatever you want but there is no inherent obligation in dating. So no, not all relationships are created equal or the same. You can treat it as such if you want but like my grandmother used to say, "no ring, no date, no commitment."

A relationship is whatever a couple defines it as. That can be married, dating, engaged, living together or living separately. If they agree to have an open relationship with some specific rules (like informing each other of who else they are seeing), then that is the parameters of the relationship. You should expect those parameters to be adhered to because that is the relationship that you both created together. Having a ring or not has no bearing on that. Most people would expect that once a ring is involved you'd never be fucking anyone else. We all prove that to not always be the case.

That said, it's not uncommon for people to cheat on each other, unfortunately. Being married won't stop that.

[oliandstanley]

I hate to say it but I believe something is goimg on. I am wondering, If the roomate was female and the same thing happened would you have as much concern? Would you be upset that she didn't let you kow ahead of time that they were having a relationship? I think you really need to think about that one for a little bit.

I think you want your cake and be able to eat it too, if your jealous that she is with another man, than maybe it's time to put a ring on that finger because you want to change from 10 years dating to newly married. That way you swing as a couple only and you wouldn't have this happening. If you want to stay single without a commitment, then realised that it is what it is... no commitment.

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by slevin

A relationship is whatever a couple defines it as. That can be married, dating, engaged, living together or living separately. If they agree to have an open relationship with some specific rules (like informing each other of who else they are seeing), then that is the parameters of the relationship. You should expect those parameters to be adhered to because that is the relationship that you both created together. Having a ring or not has no bearing on that. Most people would expect that once a ring is involved you'd never be fucking anyone else. We all prove that to not always be the case.

That said, it's not uncommon for people to cheat on each other, unfortunately. Being married won't stop that.

Totally agree. You said it better than I did.

I guess where I coming from on the grandmother-ring thing is these two have been having this casual/quasi-open relationship for 10 years and at some point you have to $#!^ or get off the pot and decide are you really a "couple" or are you just FWB/fuck-buddies that hang out and go swinging together when the opportunity arises.

I agree that rule breaking is rule breaking and cheating is cheating regardless of the label of relationship . But I can't help but wonder if this relationship has gotten so loose that rules have a lost a lot of their meaning to both the OP and the lady.

The OP wasn't even moaning and groaning that she was cheating on him or developing a love interest outside their relationship. He was miffed that she was getting some playtime without him and he wasn't there to join in the fun.

The question I pose is, if a relationship is that loose and casual does it really matter if someone is not adhering to the letter of rules or not? I see two single people here that can do whatever they want.