Communication Conundrum

Mrs Unregistered and I have been to that swingers resort in Mexico three times, and a swingers cruise once, in that order. She's been steadily getting more adventurous- in Mexico we'd play with each other in Mexico but on the cruise she did made out with a guy (and his wife) pretty intensely- rubbing him while he played with her etc. We would have had sex with them except Mrs Unregistered got seasick pretty badly (all this happened on the last night of the cruise).

Here's the communication problem- she goes happily on these vacations. The only thing I had to talk her into was the first nude vacation we went on in FL. I never asked her to have sex w/ me in public, or to hook up with the other couple. But if I ask her anything about these activities (was it fun, would she like to do it again) she clams up and won't talk. I don't even know what the answer to "do you play" is. My conclusion is (given that she likes these places and seems to like what happens) that she likes swinging but doesn't want to think about it.

We are going to the swingers resort in Mexico again this summer. Here's the plan:

1. My answer to the "do you play question" will be "we've done some soft swap but are now open to more."
2. Having seen in the past how far she is willing to go, I am going to just tell her (for example) "that couple seems nice, let's see if they are interested in fooling around."

I've always felt good about letting her go at her own pace but the lack of communication is awkward and frustrating While we were on the cruise I think the lady in the other couple was a little confused- at one point I was telling her that I did not think Mrs Unregistered was up for physical contact, and we turned to look only to see them kissing like newlyweds and his hand up her skirt.

So- does my approach make sense? I'd also like to hear any advice or how people have handled similar situations.

[slevin]

That is a tough situation. I wouldn't tell anyone that you softswap and are open to more; that sets an unrealistic understanding and doesn't describe your situation acurately. Instead I would be honest:

"We are still new to this and we're still figuring out what we want"
or
"We take things based on my wifes comfort level"

You don't want to create the impression that you and she have talked this out and know what you want, but you also don't want to create the impression that you won't ever play.

Communication is definitely the regular advice for a situation like this, but you know your wife better than any of us ever will. There are going to be cases where women are happy to swing and do everything that everyone else here does, but just flat out doesn't want to discuss it. I think this is often going to be coming from a place of insecurity, shame and confusion. Most women don't want to be thought of as sluts, especially by their husbands. The extreme conditioning that comes leaves many people unable to speak openly about their desires. I can't say that is what your wife is going through and I am sure there are women out there who simply enjoy the acts as they come and don't care to discuss it otherwise. In a case like this I think you just need to take it as it comes. Depending on your wife you might even want to take the lead in making something happen when you know she is interested in it. Not forcing her, just getting things started and making it ok for her to let go. I like to think of that situation as you owning the situation. She can use you as the excuse for why it happened, rather than having to deal with her own desires in her head.

That said, have you tried bringing this us as fantasy during sex? Dirty talk about it, about how hot she was when she was fooling around with that guy, about how horny you get thinking about it. How much you would have loved to fuck that couple with her etc. That is often easier as a starting point for broaching the subject.

[GomezAddams]

This is Unregistered again. Had to get a screen name to reply. Interestingly, I have used your fantasy suggestions, but the conversation goes nowhere.

I like your comment about me owning the situation. That kind of goes with my #2 approach where I say "Having seen in the past how far she is willing to go, I am going to just tell her (for example) "that couple seems nice, let's see if they are interested in fooling around."

I don't think I can draw any other conclusion. When we got thisclose on the cruise, she even told me to bring condoms.

[LagniappeDC]

We agree with the above poster that you shouldn't describe yourselves as soft swap to other couples. While there are lots of "definitions" about soft swap, what you've done really isn't soft swap and may set wrong expectations.

Beyond that, though, it does seem as if you are taking the right track in terms of being so patient. We do find her lack of communication a bit curious. Our one suggestion would be to try and have the conversation while you are in Mexico. It could be that when you are on vacation she feels like she can let go, but back at home it's much tougher to shake off "real life".

In the meantime, stay patient and let her take the lead. But ultimately, if she isn't going to talk with you, you may want to consider taking a break because if you can't communicate on a regular basis you are setting yourself up to have problems.

Best of luck!

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by slevin

. There are going to be cases where women are happy to swing and do everything that everyone else here does, but just flat out doesn't want to discuss it. I think this is often going to be coming from a place of insecurity, shame and confusion. Most women don't want to be thought of as sluts, especially by their husbands. The extreme conditioning that comes leaves many people unable to speak openly about their desires. I can't say that is what your wife is going through and I am sure there are women out there who simply enjoy the acts as they come and don't care to discuss it otherwise. In a case like this I think you just need to take it as it comes. Depending on your wife you might even want to take the lead in making something happen when you know she is interested in it. Not forcing her, just getting things started and making it ok for her to let go. I like to think of that situation as you owning the situation. She can use you as the excuse for why it happened, rather than having to deal with her own desires in her head.

.

Mrs New is like this to a lesser degree and we know a couple other women that are like this to a greater degree and sound a lot like your wife.

I agree with Slevin, there are some people that just simply cannot talk about it and can not tolerate having any degree of forethought or premeditation however when presented with a valid opportunity to actually do it they will as long as noone is talking about it ahead of time.

We all know there are people who talk the talk but don't walk the walk, well there are also people that can do the walk but don't talk....at all.

Here is my suggestion and I know there are some people that are going to come unglued over this and say this is borderline nonconsensual but I disagree. If you encounter some nice attractive people where it seems the mood is flowing along nicely, don't ask, don't talk about it, just start doing stuff. She will do one of two things, she will either go along with it or she will find an excuse to break away. If she goes along with then fine.

If she backs off or breaks away, then take that as a 'no'.

[lizandtom]

If I had to take a stab at where this hush hush and inactivity was coming from, I'd surmise that Morticia may be very vanilla social, and/or come from a tight knit family with a bunch of brothers or sisters where in her mind if anyone ever found out, she feels like it would end life as she knows it. If you sense that she truly enjoys her foray's in the lifestyle, as minimal as they may be, I think you have to plant some seeds right at the root. Namely, tell her that you sense she's afraid of being found out, and that's understandable. However since you two are conducting your activities soooo far from home, and only among other lifestyle couples, she can be free to indulge as much as she wants. If anything ever got back to family and friends, implement the 1st amendment which is a mantra we live by; 'NEVER EXPLAIN, AND NEVER APOLOGIZE.'