Problems with Single Female

[katsgoods]

we are a couple that was seeking a female for some fun, we posted an ad on Plenty of Fish.com and got some responses. Well, one woman we started texting back and forth to-we decided to actually meet at a hotel, well it was my first time and I was nervous so I got drunk and didn't participate, but I let him and I watched them have sex more than once. Now after all is done, this woman wanted to get me to participate we started texting pretty steamy stuff, but it occurred to me that she wouldn't let me call her on the phone-I always got the excuse that she was not alone, but she would call my man, and let him call her when ever-That is not right! Well, me and her had a fight cause she was getting jealous of me and my man spending time together and we agreed not to text her while we were spending time and she got pissed-so I told her we couldn't play anymore-she is not a true friend-I can't call her but my man could call her why is that she could never respond to that it was always I'm not alone. I have blocked her number off of our phones, and recently figured out that she changed her number so that she could still contact him, and I seen her text telling him Hi Baby I love you so much!! WTF!! Am I being paranoid? am I looking into this too much? I have changed his number per his request-but I still feel that she is still contacting him-I had another incidence with someone else that we met online after I gave her his number she said she didn't want to be my friend only wanted to get to my man-What is it with these women? and because there is now 2 my man thinks that I am making this up, that I am being paranoid, and jealous-but there is a line they should not cross am I right?? telling my man you Love him?? How do learn to trust after this? my man is good person with a good heart, and if the person is good he doesn't see that bad and wants to still be friends with these people it is really putting a strain on us big time! I don't know what to do-I already told them that it's wrong and for them to stop, but it doesn't work.

[DiscreetDesires]

WOW!!

This doesn't sound like swinging to me at all.
People that respect you as a couple and your marriage will not put y'all in this position.
It is more appropriate for the female halves to contact each other, unless there has been some sort of communication that it is ok for the husband and the woman to have direct contact as well. This just helps protect against situations such as this.

It does sound like your husband is enjoying the attention to a degree and most likely is still in contact with her. I would sit and talk with him on his feelings about this. He should respect your feelings about the situation.
I would suggest changing your phone numbers so that either woman cannot contact either of you. This is the only sure way to stop their calling.

[VegasLee]

First off, you two are NOT READY to be in this Lifestyle.

You need to get on the same page and be able to have full and total trust and understanding of each other. That is not there in reading your post.

Women in this Lifestyle are not looking to "Love" your husband. There are way to many games being played here.

Time to take time off and figure out what really works for you two.

[exploringRM]

Why are you looking for "swing" partners on a dating site? It seems to me that those on a dating site are looking for potentially more than just a hook up. Why not use a web site more specific to swinging.

[LikeMinds321]

Below is a post you made a couple years ago in November 2007. It was taken from this thread, Worried I might be jealous of the other person afterwards , which is now located in the Archives.

Originally Posted by katsgoods

Thank you so much for all of your advise. I am afraid of the friendship my partner will have with another female, call me slefish-I want this to be mine and only mine. We have talked about all of this and he understands this lifestyle as how it should be between a couple, how anyone who embraces this lifestyle will truly be happy-I don't undertsand it the way he does, he wants us to have someone who will be our third-she will be a regular person to call for us to enjoy. I don't think I can get to this point with someone being a regular person all the time-without thinking that this person is going to build feelings for him or me, but it's more about him. and I have told him, but he seems to think that I will be able to in time. I Love him with all my Heart, I do believe he is my soulmate,I just believe that I can be all he wants me to be- I know that I want to have threesomes right now with females, I just don't know if I can deal with the same person, or if it becomes a friendship, he has brought up a subject that if we find that someone what if they call and are horny-but I'm not would I let them do anything without me either being involved at that moment or even there when anything will happen and I cannot-he understands to a point but he says if we all have already done something what does it matter, well I feel that being alone with my partner is for me and me only. I don't knwo maybe I need to read some more,, get more advise then talk to him and think about it more before I do something.

It seems that since you began, your boyfriend and you started out with differing approaches to the addition of another female.

You aren't on the same game plan.

Discuss this fact with your boyfriend.

LM

[DiscreetDesires]

After reading what you had written in the post and combining it with the one made in Nov of 2007, it does not seem to me that your boyfriend is looking for a swinging relationship, but is leaning more towards poly and this is a whole different ball game.
Not only does he want to have sex with other women, but he wants to add them to your daily lives and create more of a bond with them.

If this is not comfortable for you, tell him.
Y'all really need to sit down and talk about what you are really looking for.
Has all of this been his idea? How do either of you feel in regards to adding a male into the scenario.. How about a couple?

I may be totally off base here, but it looks to me as though he wants you, but also wants other women, but the discussion of other men has never come into the picture. If it hasn't, then why not?
These are all questions you both need to discuss in order to see what is driving this. What are your reasons for doing this?

I would stop all communication from others outside your relationship in regards to any type of sexual activities until you both can get on the same page. It isn't healthy for either of you, nor your relationship.

[Newpants]

I too read back through some of your old posts and I also agree that there are many issues and red flags here and that being involved in any kind of swinging or involving any other third parties in your relationship is the LAST thing you should be doing.

The main issue here is not about the other woman (yes I am using the term "other woman" in it's traditional context here) nor is it about swinging. Your main issue here is within your relationship with your partner, your partner's lack of respect and compassion for you and your own deep-seated insecurities.

All of these things are building up into a major, destructive bomb that is going to go off in your face.

- For starters IMHO I think you are doing this to appease your BF/husband and not because you want to as well. I think deep down you are a monogamous person that wants to pair-bond with one person and be a traditional monogamous couple.

- I think your partner has been wanting to have his cake and eat it too at your expense and has shown a lack of compassion and respect for your feelings and comfort.

- I think you have many deep-seated personal demons and insecurities that put you at great risk for trouble with swinging regardless of any of these other factors.

- I think this other woman is clueless about the proper etiquettes and mechanics of being with a couple and is also completely disrespectfull and uncompassionate towards you and your relationship. She has her own agenda and is just out for meeting her own wants and needs without regard to the pain and damage she is causing.

Bottomline here is i think your partner is a selfish, narcissitic clod who just wants to screw chicks and doesn't care if he causes you pain or damages his relationship with you and I think this other gal is a selfish bimbo who is reveling in the attentions of slick-talking, skirt chaser and is getting an ego boost from "stealing" some guy right out from under his GF's/wife's nose.

I am not saying this to kick you while you are down or to put you down or to be mean. I am on your side here. You asked for our help and I help by telling things exactly the way I see it from the information you provided over a series of posts going back three years.

I don't think this is a swinging issue and I don't know if swingers can give you the answers and guidence that you really need. At bare minimum I think you need to woman-up and take back your life and dignity and access whether your partner is really worth all this pain or not, and if so you need to take back your relationship as well. If you aren't able to get back your peace of mind and dignity on your own then some professional therapy may be worth some consideration.

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by DiscreetDesires

After reading what you had written in the post and combining it with the one made in Nov of 2007, it does not seem to me that your boyfriend is looking for a swinging relationship, but is leaning more towards poly and this is a whole different ball game.
Not only does he want to have sex with other women, but he wants to add them to your daily lives and create more of a bond with them.

The thought of him being interested in a poly relationship also crossed my mind.

The reason I came down so hard and was so negative towards the role of the boyfriend is over the series of previous posts he had a pattern of poo-pooing her concerns and blowing off her discomforts as "over reacting", "insecurity", "paranoia" etc etc

In other words he was blaming her discomfort of him screwing other women ON HER. These are the actions of manipulator and a narcissist and not a poly.

Even if someone is not familiar with rules and techniques of polyamory a real poly would still have the respect and compassion to try to work with their partner to seek a solution without putting their loved one through all this pain and tormoil.

A poly would also ditch the 3rd in a New York minute if the 3rd was trying to pull a fast-one behind the primary's back and causing the primary pain.

I think there is some validity to questioning the OP more to see if the poly issue may be a factor here but with the information provided at this point my money is unfortunately on the possibility he is lacking in some basic respect and compassion for the OP

I agree with everything else you said in your post BTW.

[DiscreetDesires]

Originally Posted by Newpants

The thought of him being interested in a poly relationship also crossed my mind.

The reason I came down so hard and was so negative towards the role of the boyfriend is over the series of previous posts he had a pattern of poo-pooing her concerns and blowing off her discomforts as "over reacting", "insecurity", "paranoia" etc etc

In other words he was blaming her discomfort of him screwing other women ON HER. These are the actions of manipulator and a narcissist and not a poly.

Even if someone is not familiar with rules and techniques of polyamory a real poly would still have the respect and compassion to try to work with their partner to seek a solution without putting their loved one through all this pain and tormoil.

A poly would also ditch the 3rd in a New York minute if the 3rd was trying to pull a fast-one behind the primary's back and causing the primary pain.

I think there is some validity to questioning the OP more to see if the poly issue may be a factor here but with the information provided at this point my money is unfortunately on the possibility he is lacking in some basic respect and compassion for the OP

I agree with everything else you said in your post BTW.

I do not believe his actions towards her are poly in nature because he is being such an ass, and not understanding of her in ANY regards.
Was just commenting to the fact if he is looking for more than just sex, as in a loving relationship.. then that would lean itself more towards poly.
I could have been clearer in my statement.
Do I think he has what it takes to be poly? Not from what I have seen thus far!

I do agree with you on your points as well.. completely!

[JustAskJulie]

Drop her! And don't use singles dating sites to find swinging single females.

[Trace Ekies]

Could it be that he's cheating and using "swinging" as cover? Using a swingers profile to contact "new people" for the two of you that he's already seeing?

I agree with the others...you need to discuss your wants and wishes with your SO...you are definately not on the same page.

Trace