I worry about my girlfriend being with another guy...(What to do?)

[kimba71]

Hi there
My girlfriend and I started going to a swingers club this week, and we had allot of fun, the first night we were there we had a another guy come and try to join us, we let him watch, witch was ok, but he tried to get close and started feeling my girlfriend which she was sort of ok with, any way after that night we found out that we did not really like to have another guy to join us as we felt this was not our thing, we went back a few days later and again we had fun we had a guy come and watch which we both liked very much. We decided to go again yesterday and we had lots of fun as we had a another girl join us and there other guys came and watch us, which we both liked very much, my girlfriend was really enjoying it, and so was I it was really fun. when we came up stairs we were sitting and talking with the others that had been watching us, and my girlfriend said she wanted to go downstairs again, and asked if I wanted to come, and said if not she could find someone else who would, of course I want to come with so I did, and we had great time.

anyway here is my question or what I need help with, is when we talked about it today I asked if I had said no, if she would have gone downstairs with one of the guys that was there and she said yes, I kind of made me joules in away, but I was at the same ok with it, she said would like to try that one time and take guy with her downstairs and have me watch, but she said if I don’t want her to it was ok, I told her I would let her do that if she wants to , but I am still unsure about how I will react. if somebody can help me or give pointers how I can be ok with this It would be greatly appreciated. I don’t mind sharing here if we are with another couple, as then I get some too, but all by herself without me, I don’t know, I don’t want to not let here because I want here to have fun, she likes and wants to see me having sex with another girl so I have to let her do the same thing you know.

please if anybody can help me to get over the worry or joules, I guess my biggest worry is that the guy she does it with he is better than me and that she will find me good anymore you know.
thank you for all the help, it is greatly appreciated
sincerely
K

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by kimba71

Hi there
My girlfriend and I started going to a swingers club this week.

Ok, stop going to swingers clubs. Immediately.

Originally Posted by kimba71

when we came up stairs we were sitting and talking with the others that had been watching us, and my girlfriend said she wanted to go downstairs again, and asked if I wanted to come, and said if not she could find someone else who would, of course I want to come with so I did, and we had great time.

She wanted to go back downstairs and said she could find someone else if you didn't want to go? Do you guys not talk about rules or boundaries? Do you have any rules or boundaries? I wouldn't even think about going anywhere without my husband.

Originally Posted by kimba71

anyway here is my question or what I need help with, is when we talked about it today I asked if I had said no, if she would have gone downstairs with one of the guys that was there and she said yes

You guys need to talk. Stop swinging immediately. If things aren't going the way they should be, stop and talk. You're obviously jealous of her even thinking of going downstairs with another guy. The only way you're going to even remotely help you two is if you talk things out and tell her how you feel. You know if you swing, couples only go as fast as the slowest one. If you're not comfortable, she should stop and not go either.

Originally Posted by kimba71

but I am still unsure about how I will react. if somebody can help me or give pointers how I can be ok with this It would be greatly appreciated.I don’t mind sharing here if we are with another couple, as then I get some too, but all by herself without me, I don’t know, I don’t want to not let here because I want here to have fun, she likes and wants to see me having sex with another girl so I have to let her do the same thing you know.

As said before... quit swinging and talk things out. If she wants to go without you, my suggestion is to talk to her and tell her your thoughts and feelings and maybe your disapproval of her going to a swing club. If she still insists upon going -- I'd probably just cut her loose.

Originally Posted by kimba71

please if anybody can help me to get over the worry or joules, I guess my biggest worry is that the guy she does it with he is better than me and that she will find me good anymore you know.
thank you for all the help, it is greatly appreciated
sincerely
K

There are many threads here that cover the "what if he/she is better than me" topic. I'm sure there are more people that will reply with more knowledge or better advice. My husband and I have swung happily for over 3 years. I'm just passing on what we would do.

[Chicup]

I think some initial jealousy is normal, I had some when we started swinging.

Still its my firm belief that for most people they should not start swinging until they are 100% established and 100% secure in their own relationship. If you are not there yet, I'd avoid swinging until you are.

[Alura]

I agree that y'all don't seem completely ready for the lifestyle.

However, the following stood out to me:

"I don’t mind sharing her[] if we are with another couple..."

A valid philosophy in the lifestyle (It was ours.) is "if it's not done with another couple, it isn't swinging." There were a few times that we did something different, but it was always agreed upon together before we did it, and we approached the new experience most cautiously.

I think one of the keys to overcoming jealousy is to always understand each other, make rules, and always discuss the rules before changing them. I assure you, your rules will change over time if y'all stay in the lifestyle.

You will always have more opportunities with single men than you can handle, even if that turns out to be your personal niche in the lifestyle. Couples are a bit harder to find but the wait, in my opinion, is well worth it. Don't compromise your philosophy just because it might be easier.

You must work on communication with your girlfriend. Misunderstandings are a common and serious problem with swingers. Hopefully she speaks English as well as you do. If so, bring her to these forums so y'all can research the lifestyle together. The folks here are always glad to help.

Alura

[Lascivious L&L]

I think worries like those you express are common among first time swingers. Worries and jealousy are opportunities to work on your communication and relationship. Like you the first few times my wife and I had sex with another man I had many of the same feelings watching her with another man. It was exciting and erotic, yet at the same time scary. Would he be better in bed than I was?

Those worries highlight insecurities that need to be addressed if you are to continue swinging. I found that while some other men really turned my wife on and give her orgasms, it was sex, not love, and she loved me. More interesting I found that my wife liked sex with me better than with any man she met since it wasn't just sex but lovemaking. Sex just doesn't compare with lovemaking.

Talk about it with your wife. In my situation it relieved her that I felt jealousy. It made her feel special, loved, wanted. She had the same insecurities about me with another woman. You learn a lot and deepen the love when you truly open your thoughts to your mate.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by kimba71

Hi there everyone.
Me and my wife just joined a swingers club for the first time last week, and we have been there 3 times alreday, we have had alots of fun, and yeasterday we got experince what we wanted the most, a thresome with another women, which was great funn, and having three other guys watching us at the same time, it was something speical I can tell you that, my girlfriend got orgasme 4 times and was walking on cloud, I will tell you more stores and questions as we become more evolved in these sece but we both like it very much so far, and we look forward to many more visits to our club

Hi Kimba, welcome to the Swingers Board.

I posted your introduction here because in it you mention your wife. I bet you recently got married and still think of your wife as your "girlfriend."

Going to the club three times in one week is a bit much for newbies starting out. Take a break for a few weeks and give yourselves time to think about what you're doing. Read these forums and learn what others have gone through regarding jealousy, sharing your spouse with others, learning to say "no, sweetheart, I don't feel good about you doing that just yet, let's talk more about it."

Educating yourselves about swinging will help you avoid mistakes. Stick around and bring your wife to the Board so you can read together and discuss what you learn.

LM

[lizandtom]

Kimba, what you are experiencing is completely normal considering your girlfriend is considered a unicorn if she'd go play solo, and that leaves you to compete with lots of single guys. I'd agree with you that that is no fun. As a couple, you aren't going at the slowest persons pace, namely you. You have to talk to her and tell her that she needs to slow it down a bit because you are not feeling very secure when she talks about going off on her own; YET. It sounds like the lifestyle can work for you both, but you need some experiences first to get your feet wet, and she's going a bit wild at this point; she needs to slow down to your pace.

From your post, I think you know how you 'should feel' but it's different than what you 'do' feel, which is left behind because she's getting lots of attention. We all can't help how we feel, we just do, so you need to explain that and come clean with your girlfriend. It will be much easier right away and honestly, rather than try to hide your objections or they'll build and explode at just the wrong time. We've seen it dozens of times and it turns into drama.

[kimba71]

Thank you to all of your answers and inputt it is greatly apricaiated, we talk about it last night again, and I told here how I felt and she said something very intresting to me she said "would you after having had sex with onother girl or women that is just for sex, hoold her and kiss her?" and said "no!" and she said "see, this is the same, I am not going to stay with him and kiss him, once it is done, I will come right to you, and telll you, and then I would probably take you with down, for you to give me your love" and that made feel good, I realised that it is just SEX nothing else, eventhough it might be hard, I think It will be easier to do it now, but she also told me, that when I am ready to let her do it, to let her know, because she does not want to do anything that could ruine our realtionship, and the love that we have.
Again thank you all for your answers,
Kimba

[kimba71]

Originally Posted by Lascivious L&L

I think worries like those you express are common among first time swingers. Worries and jealousy are opportunities to work on your communication and relationship. Like you the first few times my wife and I had sex with another man I had many of the same feelings watching her with another man. It was exciting and erotic, yet at the same time scary. Would he be better in bed than I was?

Those worries highlight insecurities that need to be addressed if you are to continue swinging. I found that while some other men really turned my wife on and give her orgasms, it was sex, not love, and she loved me. More interesting I found that my wife liked sex with me better than with any man she met since it wasn't just sex but lovemaking. Sex just doesn't compare with lovemaking.

Talk about it with your wife. In my situation it relieved her that I felt jealousy. It made her feel special, loved, wanted. She had the same insecurities about me with another woman. You learn a lot and deepen the love when you truly open your thoughts to your mate.

Thank you very much for your help, and I agree very much of what you said, and we talk about again last night, and she said the same to that your wife said to you, (eventhough she has not done anything yet), but it is just sex not love like it is is with me.
thank you again for you inputt
Kimba

[kimba71]

Originally Posted by lizandtom

Kimba, what you are experiencing is completely normal considering your girlfriend is considered a unicorn if she'd go play solo, and that leaves you to compete with lots of single guys. I'd agree with you that that is no fun. As a couple, you aren't going at the slowest persons pace, namely you. You have to talk to her and tell her that she needs to slow it down a bit because you are not feeling very secure when she talks about going off on her own; YET. It sounds like the lifestyle can work for you both, but you need some experiences first to get your feet wet, and she's going a bit wild at this point; she needs to slow down to your pace.

From your post, I think you know how you 'should feel' but it's different than what you 'do' feel, which is left behind because she's getting lots of attention. We all can't help how we feel, we just do, so you need to explain that and come clean with your girlfriend. It will be much easier right away and honestly, rather than try to hide your objections or they'll build and explode at just the wrong time. We've seen it dozens of times and it turns into drama.

Thank you for your answers and inputt, and I agree the good things is that we are open, and have a very good comunication, and we talk about it again last night, and we agreed that we would not ever do anthing the other person is not ok with, and she told me she would always ask me first if it is ok that she go down with somebody else, and if I say no she wold be ok with that, but as you say it takes time to get your feet wet.
thank you again for you help and inputt it si greattly apriciated
Kimba

[kimba71]

Originally Posted by LFM2

Ok, stop going to swingers clubs. Immediately.



She wanted to go back downstairs and said she could find someone else if you didn't want to go? Do you guys not talk about rules or boundaries? Do you have any rules or boundaries? I wouldn't even think about going anywhere without my husband.



You guys need to talk. Stop swinging immediately. If things aren't going the way they should be, stop and talk. You're obviously jealous of her even thinking of going downstairs with another guy. The only way you're going to even remotely help you two is if you talk things out and tell her how you feel. You know if you swing, couples only go as fast as the slowest one. If you're not comfortable, she should stop and not go either.



As said before... quit swinging and talk things out. If she wants to go without you, my suggestion is to talk to her and tell her your thoughts and feelings and maybe your disapproval of her going to a swing club. If she still insists upon going -- I'd probably just cut her loose.



There are many threads here that cover the "what if he/she is better than me" topic. I'm sure there are more people that will reply with more knowledge or better advice. My husband and I have swung happily for over 3 years. I'm just passing on what we would do.

Hi
and thank your for your answer, I think I left out som key point in the story, ofcourse we have bounderies, we agree open everything before we do anything, and we would not do anything with out having talked about it first. second I know she would never go there alone, she would always want to have me with her there, and she would only go downstairs with onother man I said it was ok. we had talk about the whole thing again last night and we are very open with each other, she knows if I have a hard with something we will talk about it, and like I said, she would not do anything with me say ok first,
but again, thank you so much for your help, in any case it will be while until we go again, as we have other things to do, but we will go back again, when we think about it does turn us on very much
thank you
Kimba

[snapps]

Ok first of all... What you guys are doing is not swinging! It's Voyeurism. You, not her, like people just watching ... and thats fine... but it seems to me from what you stated, your girl is the one pushing for swinging/other partners... which raises a red flag to me. If you guys just like to be watched, there are other ways to do such things, but going to swinging clubs is not the answer and YOU are playing with fire my friend, especially if you are here talking about jealousy and stuff... obviously sharing your gf with other men is not what you have in mind.

She, on the other hand, obviously doesnt have a problem with it, which tells me you guys have not discussed this full out and acting a little kid with a brand new toy... the problem is sooner or later you are gonna get tired of that toy... I'm just hoping that by then you wouldnt have already destroyed your relationship in the process or went ahead and did something you know you really are not comfortable with. Be smart and stop while your ahead...

Good luck!

[Newpants]

It's sounds like you two are communicating with each other and are looking out for each others feelings and those are two critical things.

I agree with what the other posters have said and I will also throw this out there too. A lot of guys get their GFs/wives talked into swinging because they think they are going to be having a smorgasbord of hot beautiful women crawling all over them and that they are going to be living the life of porn stars.

The reality is though that swinging is often of a smorgasbord of men and women for the women while many men are often left out in the cold. Most women are not attracted to most men and many men do not have the social skills and tempermant reguired to be very successfull in the lifestyle. (In otherwords it takes them quite a while to get their "game on".)

Many a man has talked his lady into trying swinging because he wants to be a porn start only to have her getting all the attention and all the opportunity (including this guy in the beginning so I know what I am talking about)

This can cause some real problems because while the lady is loving all the newfound attention and acceptance the guy is sitting on the sidelines feeling left out, frustrated and insecure.

All women will always have a lot more sexual attention and opportunity than any man ever will. That is just a natural fact of life. I don't know if there is any true cure for insecurity and jealousy, and since you refer to her as your "Girlfriend" in this thread I will asssume that means you are just dating, that means that you really do not have any true commitment in your relationship and that each of you are free to do as you wish.

The chances of her running off with someone just because he has a bigger dick or is a better lover than you is slight but the chances of you becoming real jealous and insecure and not enjoying swinging is real. There are a lot of reasons the vast majority of people are not swingers and this is a big one.

My suggestions are #1. take a step back and let the flood of emotions settle a bit.

# Recognize that what you have already experienced is often the reality. Women will always get more sexual attention and opportunity than men. Guys will always be propositioning chicks in a swinger environment and that is not an unusual or inappropriate thing to occur. It is how you handle that mismatch of attention and opportunity as a couple that will determine if swinging will work for you or not.

#. evaluate if you really do want to be swinging at this point in your relationship in the first place and don't be afraid to say it's not for you at this point.

#If you do stay in the lifestyle you will need to work together and be open and honest with your feelings and work together to stay in both of your comfort zones. That often means compromise in that she may not always be able to take the opportunities that she will have and you may not always have the opportunities that you wish you could have.

[JustAskJulie]

Huge RED FLAG!

You both need to be on the same page. Just her saying that she would find someone else to go downstairs with her if you weren't ready/ willing is a BIG DEAL and needs to be dealt with. This is something you both need to do together and you both need to agree on your boundaries. It's not about one of you getting off and doing your own thing while they other just goes along with it.

Do not go back to this club (or any swinger club) or do any swinger activities until you have sat down together and talked about this and established your boundaries and comfort zones and set RULES TOGETHER!

[slevin]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Huge RED FLAG!

You both need to be on the same page. Just her saying that she would find someone else to go downstairs with her if you weren't ready/ willing is a BIG DEAL and needs to be dealt with. This is something you both need to do together and you both need to agree on your boundaries. It's not about one of you getting off and doing your own thing while they other just goes along with it.

Do not go back to this club (or any swinger club) or do any swinger activities until you have sat down together and talked about this and established your boundaries and comfort zones and set RULES TOGETHER!

I think it all depends on how she said it. If she was serious and it was a sort of ultimatum then it's a huge issue. If she said it flirtatiously and in a playful manner then I don't think it's a big deal. In that case it's more of a playful comment and a way for her to broach the subject of changing their rules. An easy way for her to lob it out there for him to pickup and actually initiate the conversation. A fairly common approach a lot of women take when dealing with topics like that I think.