"Not ready" vs not attracted

[Newpants]

Since the day we first started swinging one of my biggest personal challenges has been how to tell the difference between someone who is "not ready" to play vs someone who is not attracted and is just using "ready" as an excuse to delay or avoid getting to the bedroom.

95% of the time when we meet a new couple the dealbreaker is Mrs Newpants does not feel the love for the other male and she is rarely attracted to most women but when she is she can be pretty bi, so when we come across a couple where she is attracted to both I want to give it my all.

The problem is when the other female states she "isn't ready" to go there with me. I can't help but feel rejected and that I am the one holding up everyone else's fun because I am not hot enough.

I am perfectly ok with being patient and accomidating people's comfort level if there is some sincere attraction and things can keep moving forward. However I think that often times when someone says they aren't ready it really means that they aren't attracted and are looking for excuses to not play.

We all know gals that have strung nice guys along by not being "ready" for a long time that have banged other guys out by the dumpster behind the bar that they met an hour earlier. (yes I have always carried the curse of being a nice guy and I am not the hot stud that scores in minutes at the bar all the time)

What I really need is a way to tell if someone just needs a little more time and comfort or if they are just not into me so my questions are -

- Is there a way you can tell the difference between someone needing a little more time and courting vs not being attracted in the first place?

- Is there a way to broach the subject tactfully enough so that you can ask if there is an attraction and what criteria needs to be met in order to become "ready" without sounding like are just trying to push the right buttons in order to score?

- I know this is very subjective but how much time and effort are you willing and able to put in to a couple if their fem half isn't "ready"?

-At what point do you decide to keep trying vs chalking it up as a near-miss and moving on?

- And a question for the ladies, when you say you are not "ready" does that usually mean you have some steps and criteria that are still unmet or does that mean you aren't attracted enough and probably never will be? I have always been brought up that a woman knows within minutes if she is going to attracted to someone else or not and so if someone says they are not ready does that really mean they are waiting for me to grow a few inches taller, grow some thicker hair, lose some gut fat while putting on another 20lbs of rippling muscles and add a few more inches onto my penis?

This has been a stumbling block that I just can't seem to get past. Any advice or insight would be much appreciated!!!!!!

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by Newpants

- And a question for the ladies, when you say you are not "ready" does that usually mean you have some steps and criteria that are still unmet or does that mean you aren't attracted enough and probably never will be? I have always been brought up that a woman knows within minutes if she is going to attracted to someone else or not and so if someone says they are not ready does that really mean they are waiting for me to grow a few inches taller, grow some thicker hair, lose some gut fat while putting on another 20lbs of rippling muscles and add a few more inches onto my penis?

If you are dealing with people who are active swingers and getting the not ready line, then I'm going to say go with your gut, they are letting you down easy.

One caveat is that many in clubs are not really swingers, so the 'not ready' line can be valid and by not ready they mean 'never will be ready'. So if you don't really know these couples are swingers, be aware you might be getting a brush off line but its not directly related to you personally.

But lets assume these are real swingers, who do swap, and you are getting the 'not ready line', then yea its a blow off.

I bolded the part of your post which is at least in your control. Its been my personal yearlong project for myself.

[JustAskJulie]

I have to agree with Chicup, chances are they are just letting you down easy. There are occasions where I really like someone personally but I'm just not attracted to them sexually and I may be hoping that as I get to know them more, drink more, whatever that that attraction may develop. The truth is that it probably won't and I'm lying to myself as much as I am to them.

Your best bet if they don't tell you up front why they "aren't ready" is to just move on. If they decide they are ready later, they'll let you know. If there's something that can be done (by you) to make them ready they'll probably let you know.

[DiscreetDesires]

I agree with both the suggestions offered.

If you know the couple, and they are swingers then maybe they would prefer to know you both a little more first prior to engaging in sexual activities.
Personally, I like to become familiar with those I choose to open myself up further with. I like there to be some kind of connection besides just a physical attraction.
We always try to be very upfront and honest with all we talk to in regards to the way we play or any rules we may have prior to anything just because we would want the same courtesy, and there are no questions to if they play or how they play at all.
If they can't be upfront and honest with you if there is any interest there sexually, then that is their problem and not yours. I would just move on.
Mind games are not for the lifestyle!

[lustylearning]

Hmmm... I have to agree with the previous posters. If these are active, full swap swingers, "not ready" doesn't make sense. It's either "yes" or "no." There's "not ready to swing," "not ready to full swap," and the "friends first" set that may feel you're not good enough friends yet, but unless it's one of those scenarios, it sounds like a dressed up version of "no."

Hubby adds: Some good advice we got at the beginning of our lifestyle experience was, "ask people what their rules are." This is a quick and easy way of finding out what they are seeking and what their limits are. Another thing - how are you meeting people? Cold meets with little to no information ahead of time? Club? Where the majority are going to find play partners? You can streamline your route.

[Newpants]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and wisdom. You are pretty much confirming what my gut was telling me to begin with.

I do have a general question for discussion and then I will put up another post with a specific situation with are dealing with at this time.

Anyway, the other question I have is, as an experienced and self-aware swinger how do you address the issue when someone that you find physically acceptable and seemingly socially acceptable (in other words not an asshole) asks you to play but you haven't reached the comfort level to accept the offer but the potential does exist?

So basically you are interested but you haven't got to that point yet. Do you say "not ready" or something similarly vague or do you give them specifics such as "lets get together again soon and get to know each other a little more" etc etc?

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by lustylearning

If these are active, full swap swingers, "not ready" doesn't make sense. It's either "yes" or "no."

Ok this brings up my next question. The specific situation we are dealing with at this time is we have met a new couple that Mrs Newpants is very attracted to and likes both of them (I do too but she is the hard one to please so I want to give it every possible chance)

They are BRAND-SPANKING NEW NEWBIES and supposedly we are the first couple they have ever met or played with. On a whim/dare they went to an on-premise club overseas and watched the action in a playroom but did not have any contact with anyone and when they got back home they joined a swing site we are on and we chatted for awhile and then met.

We have met them twice and both nights we ended up naked in bed and had some very nice soft swing encounters. Both nights the fem half made out with me, touched me, let me go down on and finger her and the second night she went down on both Mrs New and I briefly even though she has stated before that she really isnt all that into giving oral (which her husband gloomingly confirms).

Anyway the second night Mr Other began to pressure her to full swap (that is another issue of its own and we did address that) She had stated from the beginning that they were open to the idea of fullswap and that one of her main fantasies was to do a DP so it's not like he was pulling the idea out of thin air.

Once he started coaxing her to full swap she shut down completely and just laid there inert saying she "wasn't ready" and it did get uncomfortable. She was stating she felt like she was ruining everyone's fun by being a party pooper and I was feeling rejected and like I was ruining everyone's fun for not being hot enough even though neither I nor Mrs Newpants ever even brought up the topic of fullswap. At that point we ended the encounter and politely excused ourselves for the evening.

So my dilemma is now my old nemisis of "not ready" vs not attracted has reared it's ugly head again and with a couple we really like and really seemed to be hitting it off with

Since she was interactive up untill that point and since they are brand spanking new we are hesitant to just write them off and move on. She has stated that they do like us and that she is into me but that it is new territory for her and that she just "isn't ready to go to that level yet."

So what are your thoughts on this specific situation? It is very rare that we play with total newbies so this is a little new territory for us too. We want to be patient and accomidating and give them every reasonable opportunity for us to be friends and playmates but I have such a hard time with the whole "not ready" thing that I am kinda pulling my hair out.

Any thoughts or suggestions??

[DiscreetDesires]

She most likely is just not ready. That is all there is to it.
Since they are brand new to the swinger world, she is probably trying to take things slow.
It's always better to take things slow than to do something you would regret later and ruin your marriage.
Until the female half of the couple makes a further advance, I would leave it at soft swap. Let her set the pace for the evening.
Even though you and your wife did not make any advances towards a full swap, the suggestion was put out there from her husband, and knowing that you both are full swap, she could have felt the pressure coming from everyone and felt a little overwhelmed.

Reassure her that you both are good for whatever play they are comfortable with, if you both indeed are, and I'm sure that there will be no problems.

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by Newpants

Anyway, the other question I have is, as an experienced and self-aware swinger how do you address the issue when someone that you find physically acceptable and seemingly socially acceptable (in other words not an asshole) asks you to play but you haven't reached the comfort level to accept the offer but the potential does exist?

If we find a couple attractive, and they seem to be "nice", then we're already at that comfort level needed to accept the offer.

[SaSsyNsWeEt]

Not all newbies are so gun-shy. It sounds to me like her and her husband had a breakdown in their communication and "rules" were not set down prier to this encounter. I would suggest putting a bit of time and space between you and them for a little while. Let them take some time to chew on this latest play session and decide where they stand. Maybe it would be better if they had some more experiences with other couples before meeting with you again. And before your next encounter I would sit down with dinner and drinks and discuss expectations for the night ahead (ie. where they see it going, where you see it going, how you would like the night to end), but I highly stress not putting her on the spot, that will only cause a "shut down" again! Maybe expressing to her that it is ok if things don't "go all the way" will relieve some of the pressure and she will be more willing to let her hair down and just go with the flow. These things take time, and understanding and the fact that you are here discussing this is a good thing, it means you care! Good luck!

[lustylearning]

Okay. You've hit the newbie that's not ready to swing, whether or not her own partner is. How patient should you be? How patient do you wish to be? This is a legitimate issue, but one which you may personally have little to no impact on. Perhaps they can be a "back burner" couple. I suspect you'll be disappointed if you put mucho energy in, but... relax, spread your energy, and it may very well happen down the road. Keep them on simmer

[readytoplay105]

hi we have been in the lifestyle for over 5 years and have met many people. whenever we meet new people and they they are not ready we take it as a NO and will never approach them again. there are just as many phonies , manipulators,and opportunists in the lifestyle as in the business world.