My husband pressures me to pick up guys, and it makes me sick

[justifyme]

My husband is really into swinging but only likes to watch me with other guys. I have tried to endulge his fantasies a couple times but I always want to throw up afterwards. My husband continuously pressures me and forces, through guilt to "pick" guys and then after I do I ggo in the room and just cry. He knows this but just ignores me or says that I owe him cause he is helping me with something. Then after I do what he wants he won't leave me alone and I don't even want him touching me or near me. I get natious when I think he comes near me. I have told him repeatedly that I don't want this lifestyle. He says unless I can get him jealous he just isn't really interested in sex with me that much. We have three children and I love him dearly. I know that his past two ex-wives were in the swing lifestyle by being with other guys. I just don't like it. I can't afford to file for divorce and theproject that I am working on yp help others he is a key factor. He keeps reminding me about that and says that i owe him. I can't even let him touch me without wanting to throw up right now. What can I do? He says that my advirsion to this is not normal and when I have suggested counseling he says that is a good idea I need it to stop being so close minded.
Please help me

[VegasLee]

You and your husband both need counseling. Neither of you have any business being in the Lifestyle. You don't want to be and he has no idea what it is really about.

First off it is respect and he has none for you. He is using you for his own cheap fantasies. He is abusing you by MAKING you do what HE wants and holding things over your head to get you to do them.

You need to grow up and stand up for yourself. You and your kids are important but there are ways out when you are being abused the way you are.

No project is worth what he is doing to you. You and your kids HAVE TO COME FIRST here. Take control of what is going on and do what you have to do.

If he really loves you and respects you then he would not be doing what he is doing.

Your as much at fault as he is. He is forcing you and you are allowing it. STOP IT! Do something about it.

No use beating around the bush here. If what your posted is true then get your kids and get out.

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

Neither of you have any business being in the Lifestyle.
You and your kids HAVE TO COME FIRST here. Take control of what is going on and do what you have to do.

If he really loves you and respects you then he would not be doing what he is doing.

Your as much at fault as he is. He is forcing you and you are allowing it. STOP IT! Do something about it.

Yeah.... What Lee said. Get out now, and don't involve yourself in the lifestyle anymore. Neither of you are cut out for it. He doesn't respect you or your kids. If he did, he would stop.

I also have to agree with Lee that this is as much your fault as it is his fault.

[Newpants]

This is not swinging, this is abuse and other than recommending counseling or getting away from it at all costs I am afraid swingers cannot help you.

I emphasize again, this is not swinging or a swinging issue. This is abuse and maltreatment and term "swinging" just happens to be the weapon of choice in this instance.

You are being mistreated, disrespected and abused. Get out now regardless of the immediate short-term costs. Your long-term costs and damage will be astromonical compared to the short-term costs for getting out.

If I had to come up with a term for this I would call it rape-by-proxy.

[it'sso]

A loving relationship is all about DOING FOR each other. Your relationship doesn't qualify.
MOO

[Alura]

Welcome to Swingers Board! We're glad you've found us and honored that you've sought our counsel.

You've been given excellent advice by the above members. Unfortunately, some advice, no matter how valid, is not always easy to implement.

Has he abused you throughout your entire relationship? Does he beat you or your children when "you provoke him to anger"? Did he abuse his previous wives? Is he apologetic afterwards?

It seems his major weapon is laying the fault of these problems on you. If nothing else, please realize that the fault is HIS, not yours. You are guilty of not standing up for yourself but you are not at fault in this situation which HE has created. You've expressed your displeasure which is all that should be necessary.

We have an organization here in Tulsa called the Domestic Violence Intervention Services. I'm sure there is a similar service in California. They shelter victims, women, children and, yes, even husbands... a category of abuse that often goes unnoticed. You might contact them. They offer counseling as well as shelter.

I hope you're able to work this out and that you'll stay with us so the fine people can offer their help as well.

Alura

[Alura]

Justifyme wrote:

What can I do? He says that my advirsion to this is not normal and when I have suggested counseling he says that is a good idea I need it to stop being so close minded.

I believe you need counseling but not for his reason. It might help you to understand why you put up with such a sorry son-of-a-bitch.

Alura

[N8ture Girl]

This is not swinging! This is far from it. Swinging is about husband and wife enjoying and sharing sex with other couples. There has to be great trust and excellent communication between both partners. I dont know what this is but its not healthy. You may love him but its clear he doesnt love you or care that he is hurting you. Its easy for all of us to say get out, but its the truth. We dont have the emotional ties and can see the big picture, where you cant. Yeah its scary as hell to think of leaving him, the fear of the unknown, where you will live, money and so many other things. But can you continue to live like this and expose your children to this?

Best wishes

[lardub]

Gee only two ex-wifes, I think you need to join with them sounds like a growing club..

[lovinher]

This is abuse as others have said and I suspect in other areas too.
You need to stop going along with this or it could used against you later.
Everybody has a choice and you are making the wrong ones. Right now, you need to help yourself.

This is type of guy I'd like to get in room with...all by myself.

[LagniappeDC]

Listen to this advice. Immediately give the National Domestic Violence Hotline website a read National Domestic Violence Hotline -- remember...abuse is mental AND physical. They have good information and a number to call to talk to someone. Good luck, and take care of yourself.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

You and your husband both need counseling. Neither of you have any business being in the Lifestyle. You don't want to be and he has no idea what it is really about.

First off it is respect and he has none for you. He is using you for his own cheap fantasies. He is abusing you by MAKING you do what HE wants and holding things over your head to get you to do them.

You need to grow up and stand up for yourself. You and your kids are important but there are ways out when you are being abused the way you are.

No project is worth what he is doing to you. You and your kids HAVE TO COME FIRST here. Take control of what is going on and do what you have to do.

If he really loves you and respects you then he would not be doing what he is doing.

Your as much at fault as he is. He is forcing you and you are allowing it. STOP IT! Do something about it.

No use beating around the bush here. If what your posted is true then get your kids and get out.

What he said. This isn't swinging, it's blackmail or something worse.