How to maintain Friends w/ benefits relationships

[HappyMdCpl]

We feel fortunate that we have found at least 1 cpl and 1 female who we consider FWB. We have met with them once each, and exchange mostly emails/texts every now and then. Got glowing certs and are ready to plan date #2 (which we have only done one other time and it was a disaster b/c we didnt like the cpl and should have called it quits after date #1). Were hoping 2nd dates w/ cpls and singles we really like goes better then first dates... hoping! Anyhow, where we are confused both Mr Happy and I, is how to maintain a cool friendship with these people.... We dont want to be over eager texting and calling daily (had that happen to me from another Mr before and it again was a huge turn off for me). But, we feel like there is too much distance between us and those we like. Should we talk openly w/ them about it? This is the part of dating i hated too, the whole cat and mouse dance and not wanting to look overeager, but we are still newish and dont know the "etiquette" so to speak of how much to see one another, how much contact, etc. However, esp for me the female half, building a friendship and a little emotional connection makes it all seem so much sexier and better!! (hubby on the other hand is easy going)... and as the female half, and since i am the one craving the "friendship" part, i kind of feel like its up to me to keep this going a bit. (have no problem in doing so either! just want to know what yall's experiences are like ??)

Thx for any feedback, since i know its kind of a personal taste type of thing...

ps- also any ideas for 2nd dates are welcome... I like the idea that (since both of them prev hosted) to have them over our place this time... a bit earlier (ie: afternoon maybe go to brunch) then back to our place to do some nice massage, and really take our time and get to know one another better....) very excited to hear your thoughts!

[SecretAsianMan]

I like having friends with benefits - and the key to maintaining all those friendships is to communicate and be a friend.

Sounds simple enough, eh? And I mean, be a friend the same way you'd be a friend to all the other friends in your life. Just because y'all are having sex with each other shouldn't change the friendship aspect of things. Go out and do stuff together ... enjoy your times together & enjoy the sexual aspect when the opportunities arise.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by HappyMdCpl

...we feel like there is too much distance between us and those we like. Should we talk openly w/ them about it?

I'm not certain what you mean by these statements. If you could clarify I would appreciate it.

How close a relationship you develop with swingers is determined by what they want, too. Me, I wouldn't open a discussion with new swinger friends that suggested I wanted some rules set down on how often we communicate, or get together. I'm the kind that prefers to let things develop naturally.

Your relationship with these swingers is very young. After playing with them a second time, you may be ready to drop them. If you make it to a third play, your view of them will be more developed than what it is today. Time will only tell how close your relationship will become.

I tend to follow this rule; when I send an e-mail, I don't write again until I get one from them. There are situations when I check back without hearing from them (depends on the nature of my first contact) but I look for a pace to develop with them based on how quickly they reply and what they say.

I'm not one to be clingy and I don't like clingy people. Sometimes there is a burst of back-and-forth e-mail over a few hours or days, then it's quiet for weeks or months. That's okay with me.

Inviting them to your place would be nice. We have always enjoyed that type of exchange. Starting midday is a great idea, too.

LM

[lustylearning]

I'm curious what you mean by "distance." Geographical distance or emotional distance? Availability to communicate?

I believe LikeMinds is right on target. Why are you looking at the "long term" after a single hook up? That idea shocked me, and I believe would shock most swingers, so please give it careful consideration before you act on it.

Another thing you might want to clarify is what exactly you mean by "friends with benefits." FWB relationships don't necessarily involve any sort of commitment, and the word "friend," in and of itself, means different things to different people.

[exploringRM]

We've made a number of friends in Swinging, there's about 10-12 couples we see on a somewhat regular basis..social events, M&G, house parties, clubs. And every interaction with each couple is different. I'm the guy half and do all of the online contact. Sometimes I chat with friends, sometimes it's email. Some friends we email back and forth with general life sort of things, what's going on, what swing plans we may have. For other friends the email contact is minimal. In either case with email it's typically back and forth conversations type things.

We obviously can't play with all of these couples all of the time. Some we rarely play with, either due to schedule and/or distance. Some we do more social than intimate interactions. Many live nearby (< hour) so we sometimes plan a nite out to a vanilla club, meet for drinks and or dinner, visit a winery etc.

I can't say we've developed a strategy for all of this, it's just sort of how we've fallen into things. We've been fortunate to meet a number of people that we click with in a variety of ways.

[HappyMdCpl]

Great responses all : ) Thanks!

In our Swing Lifestyle acct we mention we are looking for a FWB type of friendship in swinging (not just one night stands- lol - been there done that ). The female we play w/ is looking for the same as she states in her profile, and in person. She explained she loves that we are so close (we are only a few towns away).. and since she is the first female we have played w/ we want to tread carefully so we dont freak her out (although she seems to be very into both of us . We also (prior to meeting) sent some email exchanges somewhat touching upon most of our desires/concerns/wishes in swinging, which she really liked.

I guess by feeling "distant" I might say that I would prefer some more exchange / interaction (as friends would). We are very busy professionals and work a lot, but its part of the perks for us to check our texts/emails/vmails and have fun surprises waiting from "friends".

So, i think my problem is that I don't understand well other peoples communication levels / comfort levels, and feel weird asking them! (i could send a text a day and be OK w/ it, but another person might find it to be considered "clingy"... lol).

Perhaps...we can take the lead gently push a little here and there, send the 2nd date invite out.... and let things kind of progress naturally, w/o rushing. (that is why im here, would rather be too paranoid then too aggressive w/ buddies).

Side note, have noticed w/ regard to the single female - she tends to play a little hard to get which maybe she has her reasons? she has been in this longer then we have... so we are willing to just go w/ it for now...

Does anyone have any other ideas? We just dont want to come across as too pushy! lol

[Newpants]

I too am having a little difficulty in determining exactly what it is you are asking and what it is you are hoping to accomplish. Perhaps if you could specify a little bit on what you are wanting to accomplish with these people as well as what some of your primary concerns are it would help.

The part of your post that I am a bit concerned with is your use of the term "craving friendship". If you are craving friendship I am not sure that swinging is the right place to be seeking that.

Please try to clarify what it is you are asking us and what it is you are hoping to accomplish as well as what your specific concerns are and maybe we can address some things a little more clearly.

[HappyMdCpl]

Newpants -

I guess my concern is that we are trying to develop a long term swinging friendship w/ these cpls/friends. This is not really a loving relationship to replace what we have now, nor is it a typical vanilla friendship. (more like a sexual friendship ~ i dont think we are the only ones who desire this, as we have met many who desire the same FWB type of friends). We feel everyones needs in swinging are unique (ie: you may feel its not good to crave a friendship from swinging buddies, but we might etc). My hubby does not crave a friendship as much as I do, but its a huge turn on for me to be friends w/ bene's.

In fact, i have his permission to swing solo w/ another female to explore a FWB relationship/friendship which i have really enjoyed exploring. (a whole other conversation, lol).

My end result - would be to hear about others who swing in a similar fashion (FWB) and have done so successfully, and their methods and advice so we can continue to find another couple or two to do this with.

I really dont "fear" anything since hubby and I feel if we all gel together, and the chemistry is authentically there, it should just work naturally, and our needs/desires wont scare them away.

Sorry if im not making 100% perfect sense at the moment, running on fumes

thx again for any advice / help ... i will also think about this further and try to word it better.

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by HappyMdCpl

Newpants -

I guess my concern is that we are trying to develop a long term swinging friendship w/ these cpls/friends. This is not really a loving relationship to replace what we have now, nor is it a typical vanilla friendship. (more like a sexual friendship ~ i dont think we are the only ones who desire this, as we have met many who desire the same FWB type of friends). We feel everyones needs in swinging are unique (ie: you may feel its not good to crave a friendship from swinging buddies, but we might etc). My hubby does not crave a friendship as much as I do, but its a huge turn on for me to be friends w/ bene's.

In fact, i have his permission to swing solo w/ another female to explore a FWB relationship/friendship which i have really enjoyed exploring. (a whole other conversation, lol).

My end result - would be to hear about others who swing in a similar fashion (FWB) and have done so successfully, and their methods and advice so we can continue to find another couple or two to do this with.

I really dont "fear" anything since hubby and I feel if we all gel together, and the chemistry is authentically there, it should just work naturally, and our needs/desires wont scare them away.

Sorry if im not making 100% perfect sense at the moment, running on fumes

thx again for any advice / help ... i will also think about this further and try to word it better.

Ok, your last couple posts cleared some things up.

This has been our experience and our experience alone and your mileage will vary. Our "friendships" in the lifesyle have been very similar to other activity-based friendships that have occured in our adulthood. A better word might be to call them "buddyships."

By "activity-based" I mean that we have had some buddies that we have gotten together with over the enjoyment of a shared activity. Picture a bowling league and having a few particular buddies that you like to hang out with on league nights and that you may on occasion have over to your house for dinner.

It has also been our experience that you meet someone and hit it off and you go through a period of time where there are daily txts or emails and over a period of time which may last a week or two to a few months and eventually those txts/emails drop off to a few times a week to every couple weeks to every month or two to saying "hi" and catching up when you run into each other at a club or party every now and then.

In many ways it's just like other friendships that develop in adulthood. You may enjoy their company and you enjoy getting together and hanging out but things eventually get so you get back to normal life of paying bills, going to work, fixing the car etc etc and when you run into each other you have fun catching up and saying "we should really get together again sometime" but that 'sometime' rarely happens.

I do also need to add that the lifestyle buddies that we have had that did enter into an ongoing close personal relationship that had a lot of emotional investment almost always resulted in drama, hurt feelings, disappointment and strained and sometimes even damaged marriages.

So in many ways friendships in the lifestyle are like other activity based "buddyships" however when the added complexity of sexual and emotional investment is added into the mix it can be a dangerous thing.

Be carefull and protect yourself and your marriage.

[HappyMdCpl]

Thx for the advice - really appreciate the insights. I agree that this is a "activity based" type friendship and possibly since those were getting closer with have been in the LS longer then us, they know that there is really no need in a lot of communication to keep things brewing. Then, there is the newer couple who were so over eager their communication totally turned us off.. I think at the moment, there is some emotion involved in swinging (at least for us - pleasure mostly, but its not just about the physical aspects for us). But, we have never had any issues cutting off a couple and have agreed if there is any doubts, hesitations, attraction issues, jealously that can not be dealt with then we terminate that "friendship".. In a short period of time, we have had a lot of various experiences thrown at us and its made us very smart about it all. Weve, thus far, actually really only found 1 couple, and 1 single F who we even desire repeat play with. Its certainly not easy to find couples who we all gel with... thankfully, hubby and I do enjoy aspects of the hunt.

so - we will report back once our "friendships" develop further, but i have a feeling its going to help us to limit communication and keep it more on the "activit based" side... the exception is my strong desire to have a female FWB, but that is a new venture, and we will see how it goes!!

thx for those insights!

[MrsPandMe]

Newpants,

GREAT post. This has been a grey area of mine also, but for a somewhat different reason. We are not so much interested in an "emotional" connection so much as a "trust and comfort" relationship. To wit, you don't have to be my best friend for me to trust you and be comfortable with you, but I do need to know about you, and that knowledge is gained through, as you so eloquently put, buddyship.

I do share a couple of the same concerns as the OP though, in that I am finding that we meet couples and then drift apart. I have no concerns about whether we are "fun and desirable"; I know we are. The problem is that we too want to find couples that are, for lack of a better saying, long term. I have a problem too of being rather "pro-active" in keeping touch with friends. I do my best to restrain, but it's an interesting question as to what is appropriate.

Basically, I do as you do. I'll send a message and wait for a response. If I don't hear from you in a week, I'll send another one asking if the original one was received and then I'll wait for a response. If none comes, I'll assume we're no longer interesting.

Mr. P

[JustAskJulie]

It's important to be aware of the comfort levels of the others involved... when they say they want FWB what do THEY really mean and is it really the same as what you mean. You say the single plays hard to get a bit, it may be that she does want FWB but only to the extent that a single would see it... she wants a couple that she can play with on occasion... not a couple she can call up and go to the movies with. The same with the other couple - you need to know what they want and be clear with them whatyou want out of a FWB situation (if one exists).

As far as pushing for the second date, go for it. Someone has to make the move. Send them a note with a potential date and put the ball in their court. If they say yes, great get it on. If they say no and don't provide an alternate date then chances are they aren't really as interested as you.

[interested-05]

[don't worry about how far it developes. If you play and they still want to play again later, excellent. If it turns out oyou all want to be regulars afterwards then enjoy the ongoing relationship, aside fromn that its only meant to be a fun time w/o strings

[Meetussoon]

We have been fortunate enough to make friends with two couples which we will consider close friends forever, even though we have not had any time for sexual fun with them in over a year. We have had family gatherings, went to vanilla events at eachother's homes, and even had sleepovers with the kids (when they were younger) because one couple lives a few hours away. We understand the risk of being to close emotionally in the lifestyle, and one couple has experienced themselves a single female falling in love wiht the husband and trying to break up the marriage. These friendships are rare, but a joy.

Tom