Don't want to be taken advantage of

[thenewkids]

This is going to be long I apologize in advance. My husband and I went to a club for the first time last night. We were really having a good time. People were friendly and we were talking and laughing and I was up dancing and all was good.

I should say up front that we are totally new to all of this. I want to explore my curiosity of being with a woman. We aren't interested in full swap, just girl on girl and then finish with our own partners, same room is fine. I met a girl on the dance floor and we danced and laughed and had a good time and she started kissing me and all was well. I got my husband and we joined them at their table where we sat around talking. I was very honest about what I wanted as was my husband.

When we got into a room it was totally different then we talked about and her husband who I hadn't really gotten to know decides to very roughly stick his fingers in me. I was not a happy camper and my husband repeated again that wasn't what we were into. I felt really nervous and I didn't really know what to do, and I shouldn't have but I felt guilty just leaving after we decided to take them into a room. Almost obligated to finish waht we started. The wife started making out with my husband and he was like are you comfortable with this and I tried to be but I wasn't, and for the first time in 15 years Mr Happy wasn't ready to go to work. I took that opportunity to say sorry guys my husband is really nervous and I don't think this is going to happen and we got our stuff and left the room.

Needless to say I feel really sad and disappointed. I feel violated by this man who did not have my permission to do what he did to me. Were we taken advantage of because we were new? It feels like this guy used his wife to get to me. Like once they got us back there they could do whatever. Does this happen a lot? Did we do something wrong? If you tell someone up front what you are looking for and they agree shouldn't they stick to it?

This was our first experience and while it was mainly good the end of the night has me so freaked out and I feel really depressed about it. Can we even go back or will this couple tell people we bailed on them and make us seem awful? We'd like to go back again but maybe just flirt and then put on a good show for everyone. Is that acceptable or do you expect full swaps from people while at clubs? Any advice is much appreciated.

[The Fuse]

When you state your boundaries and are clear about it, other people should respect them, and you.

Sounds like this other couple was plain old pushy. They might have felt they could take advantage of you because you were new.

If this happens again, with anyone, it is not out of line to tell the party or club hosts. The couple who were pushy with you will do this to others unless someone stops them.

I'm sorry this happened to you. We've been in the lifestyle for four years now and have never had anyone push us the way you had happen to you your first night out. Most people are extremely respectful and considerate.

[exploringRM]

Wow, sorry that your first experience was not a good one! If you explained that all you wanted was girl on girl then the other man way overstepped the boundaries. As well as the ther woman since she started kissing your husband. I'd like to give them the benefit of the doubt that they misunderstood your rules.

As soon as you were uncomfortable you should have stopped. While you may feel bad or obligated keep in mind that you are doing this for yourself and your husband not the other couple. Sure you want to make sure your swap partners have a good time but not at the expense of your comfort.

Full swap is not expected at a club, there are many different levels of people out there. I would return to the club and not worry about anything. Take your time, and stick to your rules. Continue to discuss them frankly with any potential play partners.

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by thenewkids

When we got into a room it was totally different then we talked about and her husband who I hadn't really gotten to know decides to very roughly stick his fingers in me.

...

This was our first experience and while it was mainly good the end of the night has me so freaked out and I feel really depressed about it. Can we even go back or will this couple tell people we bailed on them and make us seem awful? We'd like to go back again but maybe just flirt and then put on a good show for everyone. Is that acceptable or do you expect full swaps from people while at clubs? Any advice is much appreciated.

The other couple blatantly broke your rules. Pure and simple. You did nothing wrong, and shouldn't feel the slightest bit guilty for pulling the plug on the situation. You were in the _right_, not the wrong.

I'm very sorry your first club experience had such a negative ending to it. Such experiences are not the norm. It happens, but it's rare. We've never encountered a couple or single that violated our rules at any step of the way. Our rules have always been respected, and in return we've always respected any rules of the people we play with.

Yes, you can go back to the club. No, you don't have to full swap. The only thing you're "expected" to do is that which you want to do. Just because you show up there doesn't mean you have to do ANYthing, much less anything you don't want to do.

Don't worry about what the other couple might say about the two of you. People who talk bad about someone behind their backs almost always have it backfire on them. Just politely refuse to play with this couple again if they ask, and move on.

[lizandtom]

Newkids, I have to ask, how did the guy get close enough to you to get his fingers into you in the first place? You have to learn early on, and sorry if I'm being a bit harsh here, that you always have to be noticing who and what's going on around you. If that guy starting getting cozy and in your space, it is up to you to move away from him, tell him "no thanks, that's not what we're into."

Perhaps you were trying to be nice the whole time, but ultimately it is you who says yes or no to who gets to be with you.

That couple was definitely wrong to go into that room with you if they weren't willing to keep it F/F only, but unfortunately many misguided people in clubs think things will just 'flow' their way with a little encouragement; it's up to you to be tough and stand your ground. It's the lifestyle; you're allowed to say no and do whatever it takes to keep comfortable.

[thenewkids]

Thank you all for your input. I am feeling slightly better today. I wasn't sure if I misunderstood about going to a club and what was expected. Going into this we just want to start slowly. I think one of the main problems is that we just went a little too fast to begin with. We were having a really good time up until that point and we should have listened to that little voice telling us to just wait this time as it was getting pretty late we should have gone home enjoying the time we had meeting people, and having fun. We really did have fun and we really did talk to a lot of nice people!

lizandtom- The rules were girl on girl and husband/wife contact only. So, to be quite blunt she was down on me and he came up behind her and was grabbing her ass and the like. Which was perfectly acceptable- him touching his wife and getting a good view of us might I add! He then reached under her and into me. That's how he managed to get close enough to me. I didn't see it coming. I certainly wasn't snuggling up to him. I hadn't so much as flirted with him, or given him any reason to assume he could touch me.

We were so upfront with them and talked to them out of the room as well as in about what we were willing to do. female/feamle, and then each couple with their own partner. I spent so much time on here trying to read as much as possible before going so I would know what to expect, that I would understand some of the terminology and would have the knowledge going in so something like this wouldn't happen. It's hard to describe how I am feeling right now.

I talked to Mr New and he wants to give it a shot again. We discussed again in detail what we did and did not want to do at this point. We were both worried the other was enjoying themself, and we weren't! We've agreed that we both have to be comfortable and enjoying ourselves and if one isn't to speak up! I'm not saying the rules won't ever change as we decided what we do and don't like and are and aren't comfortable with. We've already discovered some new things about ourselves that was surprising and very exciting. Now we both need to learn to be more assertive in umcomfortable situations. I don't think we'll let ourselves be pushed again. I guess we will just start over but much slower.

[lizandtom]

Originally Posted by thenewkids

He then reached under her and into me. That's how he managed to get close enough to me. I didn't see it coming. I certainly wasn't snuggling up to him. I hadn't so much as flirted with him, or given him any reason to assume he could touch me.

We've agreed that we both have to be comfortable and enjoying ourselves and if one isn't to speak up!

Now we both need to learn to be more assertive in umcomfortable situations. I don't think we'll let ourselves be pushed again.

Sounds like this guy was just a horses ass. I can see how you did nothing to lead him on, and he took full force advantage of you're not being able to see what was going on behind his wife. Shame on him.

Very glad though that you've chalked it up to one mediocrely negative experience, easy to overcome; a learning experience of sorts.

The majority of people start with a f/f thing, but as people get more comfortable, the play gets expanded as time goes on. Good luck in your endeavors

[Newpants]

I agree with everyone that has said that these people are buttholes and that their behaviour was completely inappropriate and unacceptable and that you did nothing wrong to lead up to that incident occuring.

I will address one thing that I haven't seen anyone else mention.

IF I have any criticism at all it is that you blamed the reason for leaving on your husband's inability to get it up and not blaming it squarely on THEIR inappropriate behaviour. IT WAS THEIR FAULT THE ENCOUNTER TURNED BAD, NOT HIS!!!!!They should have been called out for their bad behaviour as opposed to blaming him.

The reason he couldn't get it up is because good guys don't get hard-ons and fuck women in bad or inappropriate situations and this was a bad and inappropriate situation. You should be giving him lotsa lovins and schmoochns for not playing along with this skank instead of blaming him for not being able to play along with their bad behaviour. Besides for all we know they may now think that you DID want to fuck them but that he was having performance issues and they may think you will want to get together again to finish what they started.

I'm not meaning to chew you out or rub salt into your wounds, just pointing out that if someone egregeously violatates an agreed upon rule they should be called out for and not blame an innocent third party that was probably just as upset and stressed out as you over the whole thing.

Sorry to hear you had such a bad first time out of the shoot. Most people in the lifestyle are very nice and respectfull.

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by thenewkids

Were we taken advantage of because we were new?

Oh one more thing. I do NOT believe you were "taken advantage of" and I do not believe this had a thing to do with being new.

Taking advantage of someone is getting them to do something consensually under false pretenses. This was nonconsensual and without advance warning and was explicitly forbidden from the get go.

This actually meets pretty much all criteria of a sexual assault. Now realistically this would never be a prosicutable or convictable crime but I bet if you looked up the actual statute for sexual assault in your state this would meet most if not all of that criteria.

I also do not believe that veteran swingers are immune from this type of bad behaviour either. If someone is this much of a butthole they will probably be a butthole regardless of how inexperienced someone is.

If your inexperience played into it at all then perhaps they may have thought that they might get away with it instead of getting their asses handed to them with a more experienced couple.

[thenewkids]

IF I have any criticism at all it is that you blamed the reason for leaving on your husband's inability to get it up and not blaming it squarely on THEIR inappropriate behaviour. IT WAS THEIR FAULT THE ENCOUNTER TURNED BAD, NOT HIS!!!!!They should have been called out for their bad behaviour as opposed to blaming him.

The reason he couldn't get it up is because good guys don't get hard-ons and fuck women in bad or inappropriate situations and this was a bad and inappropriate situation. You should be giving him lotsa lovins and schmoochns for not playing along with this skank instead of blaming him for not being able to play along with their bad behaviour. Besides for all we know they may now think that you DID want to fuck them but that he was having performance issues and they may think you will want to get together again to finish what they started.

Newpants, I didn't even think about it like that. You are absolutely right. I was so unprepared and I didn't know what to do and I shouldn't have used him as an excuse. He knows I don't blame him and that I simply wanted out of the situation, but they don't. I could make excuses, but I won't. Thank you for pointing that out to me.

[JustAskJulie]

Don't worry about this other couple. If anyone has anything negative to say about anyone it would be you about them. They tried to force you past boundaries that you had made very clear (multiple times). Your biggest mistake was feeling that you had to put up with it and allowing it to continue.

Your boundaries are your boundaries, they will not always be the same as others you wish to play with and there are those out there (like this couple) who will try to take advantage of you and push you past your comfort level. You did the right thing when you walked way. Don't hesitate to go back to that club with your heads held high and if anyone dares say anything to you just let them know that you don't appreciate when someone tries to push you past your stated boundaries.

If this ever happens again, walk away as soon as you've had to say "No" the first time. That guys actions made it clear they had no intention of sticking to your comfort zone, they should have moved on and found a couple that they fit with and allowed you to do the same.