No Chemistry with Single Female, Should we try again?

[funcouple2010]

Hello, here is my dilemma. The MR. and I are have been playing for a few years now. We have a regular couple that we absolutely love to death but they are out of town so we hook up when we can. We(hubby and myself) also attends parties and clubs too. I wanted a local Single female to play with also. Well we met one online back in Jan and after a few weeks we hooked up but prior to that she and I talked on the phone alot(almost everyday). We had become friends by the time we actually hooked up. During our 'playtime' I couldn't get in the mood and I really wasn't that into her after all. Hubby and her had fun and she was really into me. She wanted to please me all night but I just couldn't return the favor. Prior to playing we had met for drinks so its not like I didn't know what she looked like(she is attractive). I can't figure out what happened.
We have been quite busy since then but now she wants to go out this weekend. I said yes to the date because I thought it was just drinks and she really is a great person but last night she indicated that we will be doing more than just drinking on Saturday. I don't want to hurt her feelings but I don't think I can take another one for the team. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

[sexcupid]

Are you saying she indicated interest in more than just a friendly/hanging out together evening or did she flat out say "oh by the way, we're f-ing saturday". The first would be respectful (glad we're getting together, but I'm willing to do what we did before) the second is presumptuous.

If she is in the LS she probably isn't used to hearing we're not interested in playing again as most LS couples treat them as if their pussies are lined with platinum (regardless of their behavior...I mean if she really said "we're going to play on Saturday" without asking...would a single guy get away with that sort of thing without at least 1 half of the couple getting pissed?). Now I'm not trying to slam on all SF in the LS...we are friends with a few and most we have met are lovely. Its like the bad behavior SM that give the rest of them a bad rep, same here just that SF is the one behaving badly.

Are you primarily worried about losing the friendship with this lady? Do you think the alcohol had an effect on your attraction/response level? It is hard to say "We would like to be friends, but the spark isn't there"...because feelings are going to get hurt. I understand if you don't want to hurt her feelings, but I also understand that you don't want to feel put upon to play if you aren't interested.

[lookingfornow]

From what you have written, I don't think there is a way to send the message that you need to send without feelings being hurt. It happens. But, the longer you wait to deliver the message, the more difficult it will be.

I suppose the answer as to how to proceed depends upon how certain you are about your lack of attraction. If you are certain there is no spark, it is better to send that message now because you will have to send it sometime. Sooner is always better than later.

I would call her up and try to find a way to have coffee or something in advance of the planned evening out (just you and her). Alternatively, I would call her if that is your only means of talking to her before the planned evening out. This is definitely something a message that needs to be communicated in advance of the planned evening and in person (whether face to face or over the phone). Do not handle this by text or e-mail.

Good luck and please let us know how this turns out.

[LikeMinds321]

You had sex on the first meet, which is how it usually has gone for us. When we get in touch again we do so to play UNLESS we say otherwise, so I would have understood her invite as a playdate. But just to make sure, I would have asked her.

If you aren't interested in continuing a play relationship, the best thing to do is let her know sooner than later. I don't advise meeting her to tell her this. You should e-mail or, since you have had extensive phone calls in the past, you may feel comfortable calling her. But this will be bad news and it will sting. I think that kind of news may be better digested when received through a well-written e-mail. Before you contact her you need to decide if you want to continue a friendship with her. If so, express that in your e-mail.

BTW, how does your husband feel about her? Did you discuss your discontent to him after you all played that night?

LM

[lizandtom]

Either you just had an off night and next time may be better, or you really don't have chemistry with her. That's pretty common to convince yourself that someone is really attractive so you should be attracted to them, but the chemistry just isn't there.

Do you have any pangs of jealousy when she's with your husband? If not, and they hit it off, then you could try again, go out for drinks or whatever, but try to go back to your place if possible because you'll be in your comfort zone, and if you need to excuse yourself after doing some fooling around, you'll be able to hang out in another room to mind your time while they finish up; if you go that route be sure to convince them that nothing is wrong, but you're just not feeling in the mood.

We've gone through that with a single woman. Initially there was 3 way hot and heavy sex, but my wife just became disinterested, but since I was hitting it off alright with the woman, my wife just encouraged us to continue while she excused herself to go watch tv or something. It worked out fine to the point that on the second 'date,' they both went out for sushi, and my wife brought her back to our place to fool around, but my wife felt the same again, so excused herself, encouraged us to continue and I drove her home later. All worked out fine, but eventually our contact just faded because I felt I only wanted situations where both of us were enthusiastically involved.

[JustAskJulie]

I think you are going to have to be honest and upfront with her at some point. Not doing so is going to result in a lot of leading on and excuses. If you really want her as a friend then you'll be honest and tell her that you really want her friendship and enjoy her company but sexually the chemistry just isn't there.

[funcouple2010]

Thanks Everyone!

I want to answer some of the questions that were asked. I told my husband how I felt and he supports whatever decision I make. They had a good time but he said if I don't want to then he understands. I am not at all jealous him and her. The first time we played I was sober we had some wine but only a tasting, so i wasn't intoxicated(maybe I should have been).
I have been thinking that maybe I should give her another chance just to be certain but even the thought of it turns me off. I have been trying to pinpoint what turns me off about her and I can't. We can talk on the phone or text and we were even thinking about planning a summer vacation with our families. Is it possible that I enjoy her friendship more and therefore I can't get turned on by her? I wish I knew. Since our first play date was at our house she's probably going to want to come here after drinks but I'll just tell her that our kids are home with the baby sitter and we can't play or stay out long. If after Saturday I still don't have a sexual desire for her I will tell her.

[ALilOEverything]

Sometimes the pressure we put on ourselves is more of a mood killer than the person, especially if you weren't in the right mood for it to begin with. I know there have been times where a person didn't do it for me the first time but when I got to know them more and I was in the mood for play the experience was awesome.

I don't think it hurts to meet again if you can't pinpoint anything specific with her personally, but don't pressure yourself to make it a match. Going into it with negative thoughts will only generate negativity toward her. If you go into it with positive thoughts you might be surprised and a good time could be had by all. Mood definitely dictates a lot of how a situation is going to go.

There must be something positive about her if you're thinking about meeting her again.

[SaSsyNsWeEt]

I know exactly how you are feeling, we are going through the same thing with a couple that stayed in the "friends" category too long before any interest in taking it further was made public. Now I'm (the female) not sure if I'm attracted sexually to her or not. I have been given the advise to dress sexy, go dancing, have a few drink to loosen up and try to get into the mood long before we get close to the bedroom. Also I have heard that having sex with your partner before you meet another couple (or single) could help to "put you in the mood" for the rest of the night. Please fill us in on what happens this weekend and best of luck to you love!

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by funcouple2010

...Since our first play date was at our house she's probably going to want to come here after drinks but I'll just tell her that our kids are home with the baby sitter and we can't play or stay out long. If after Saturday I still don't have a sexual desire for her I will tell her.

funcouple2010 ~

How did Saturday go?

LM

[funcouple2010]

I am not attracted to her at all anymore! Before our date on Saturday I made it clear that we were not going to be able to hook up, so that took some of the pressure off the table. I went into this meeting with an open mind and was really hoping that things would change but she just doesn't turn me on at all sexually. So I think we're pretty much done. She hasn't contacted me since and I am not going to contact her. But while we were with her having drinks Saturday she kept talking about how into us she is and how much she loves being with us(although this is only the 3rd face to face meeting); i was kind of sick of hearing about it. I know this is a mean thought but I was thinking she might turn psycho. But anyway I wish things could have been better between us but I can't do it, I told my husband he could if wanted to but I think she's more into me so that wouldn't work.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by funcouple2010

...I know this is a mean thought but I was thinking she might turn psycho....I told my husband he could if wanted to but I think she's more into me so that wouldn't work.

Thanks for reporting back.

Hey, if you feel that she might turn psycho, listen to what your gut is telling you.

I don't think it is a mean thought, it is that voice inside, that protector, that is trying to send you a warning message. And for this reason, I recommend that your husband not see her.

Make a clean break.

LM

[lizandtom]

Remember, no matter what, to be courteous to her, even if it's a gentle 'sorry we have plans already that night' (each time if you have to) until she gets the message; she knows where you live.

[JustAskJulie]

Sometimes we do friend our way right out of the sex. It happens often so don't feel bad. I've often found that the better I get to know someone personally and the better friends we become the less likely it is that sex between us will ever happen. There are a few exceptions but typically only when we were playing before we were friends and rarely see each other.