Mixed feelings about swinging with my new boyfriend

I guess I'll start out by saying I'm young. 21 to be exact.
I have been dating a man who is 40 for about three months now. I believe we genuinely care about each other, and have since the beginning of our relationship. He spends every night with me and we have fun, but more than that.

We've gone to a swing club four times now.
It started out as... he wanted to go, and I had fantasies that I wasn't sure if I wanted to do or not. Because of the way we feel about each other, he suggested that we go and I could... get it out of my system, basically.
The first time was... an eye-opener. I did not like the energy, and I hated another woman touching him. I did not give oral on a man, however I did on two women and received from a woman, and my man only had intercourse with me. There was a woman there I know he wanted to have sex with, and he even asked me to get a condom, just in case. That hurt.
But, it was hot touching women. We both liked it.
The second time we went... it was just drama. I invited him to go because I didn't want to hold him back from something he wanted, and because I wanted him to not want it basically. Horrible reasons I know. We had a very nasty fight, which started there, and continued until the next night. He invited me to spend time with him, and warned we might go. I couldn't say no, so I cried, sucked it up, and he arrived and we left.
The third time... I was... okay. We were both enjoying it and there together. Near the end of the night we sat down with a couple and the woman and I started playing, and she went down on me as I gave my man head and her husband a handjob. Now my man (let's refer to him as Brownie from here on out, cause 'my man' is almost degrading)... Brownie... didn't like that couple. I had offered her to go down on him, which we had talked about me not liking before. But I felt okay with it with that couple.
Brownie told me afterwards he didn't like them. They were old and he didn't think she was attractive.
We went a few nights ago, the fourth time. Something new happened.
I had the urge to have sex with someone else. I didn't, but the want was still there. I had even asked him earlier that night why he didn't fuck me (pardon my language) like one man was doing to a woman. (I'm sure you've seen it... just rough, I need it NOW and I'll do what I have to to get it, sex. Hardcore porno style.)

I guess I'm coping with having these feelings of loving someone and doing these things.
At times I'm really insecure, and I tried to explain that to him last night. Others I'm fine, happy to be doing it with him.
This is a place I would be if I were alone or with someone I didn't care about as much, just to have fun.
I'm wondering how you all do it??? You love someone, and you're promised to them (marriage) and you swing. Does it bother you? Do you like seeing someone else with your partner?
I think I would like to do a full swing... but half of me is completely and wholly against seeing him with another woman. Sick against it. But there's a little part that I think might turn me on. And I feel the same about being with another man. There's a little part of me that would have a huge pleasure in it... just raw, energetic sex. But I also don't want another man inside me... that's Brownie's place.

Outside of this place we have an amazing connection, and the intimacy is... mind-blowing.
And I used to be like him... sex is just sex sometimes. But it's really hard for me to go back to that when I love someone now.
It'd just be nice to hear that someone was in the same place once, and where they went with it.
I would really appreciate any insight and advice you guys have, and am willing to answer any questions if it would help your insight.
I'm very conflicted about wanting these things. I know he wants them, and I would love to be able to do them for him, and of course myself because I enjoy certain things too.
How do you work past it? I'm wondering should I?
I want to, but then again I don't...
Haha please help!!!!!

[Alura]

from Oklahoma, youngswingz! We're glad you've joined us.

We have some things in common. There were sixteen years between Mrs. Alura and myself; we were confronted with the idea of swinging on our second date when a couple we met in a Gasthaus tried to seduce us. We discussed "Mate Swapping" at length on our way home. It was probably that question that opened up the floodgates of communication for us that lasted almost thirty years. We made an agreement that we'd never become angry if a question was asked and that we'd answer it as completely as we could.

It was three years later that we had our first full-swap experience. By that time we were so sure of our love and of how each other thought that we had no problem with it at all. We called swinging "the most fun you can have with your clothes off."

Alura

[Youngswingz]

Thank you for responding Alura!
I am SO happy to hear that, with swinging introduced so early on in your relationship, that you two were together for such a long time.
That's another small fear of mine, as this is the first man I've been with that I can see myself spending the rest of my life with.

After you two had your first full-swap, you were completely okay?
We've been talking and neither of us is okay with the other being with someone, but we both want to be. It's a bit of a rock/hard-place situation.

And I'm very happy I found these boards. We've only been to the swing club, and besides small conversations there, do not make friends or contact outside of it. That is a thing we disagree on. It's just sex, so there should be no other ties. I read all of these stories about how couples have been friends first or become afterwards, and I would like that, but it's DEFINITELY not his thing. It's nice to have people to talk to who understand and have been there. Swinging's not exactly a family or casual friend conversation...

But back to you!

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Youngswingz

...We've been talking and neither of us is okay with the other being with someone, but we both want to be. It's a bit of a rock/hard-place situation.

Hi Youngswingz and welcome to SB.

A lot of thoughts are going through my head. I won't deny that I am concerned about the newness of your relationship - three months is very new and you've already been to a club four times. That's pretty active for two people who aren't okay with the other being with someone. Yet, you say he wants to swing and you want to make him happy. And what's this about him asking you to get him a condom, just in case...? He's wanting you to be responsible for the condoms he is hoping to use with other women?

And you say he spends every night with you...does he live at your place? If you don't mind sharing, how did you meet? Did he swing as a single male before meeting you? Did he swing with a GF as a couple in the past?

Lots of questions, I know. But if you were sitting her beside me I'd be asking these questions and many more as we discussed what's been happening in your life since you met this man.

Right now I'm most concerned about what you want for yourself, because first you should do what's right for you.

I'm happy to see you here and hope that you will continue to post.

LM

[lovinher]

I get the feeling you are being pressured. You don't like the idea of another woman being with him. You don't want to have sex with another man but yet you still go.
"To get it out of your system"? What a line.

I would suggest you read through the forums before you do anything else. Take your time and do not let anyone talk you into doing something or going somewhere unless you know that's what you want.

Play by your rules.

[Newpants]

I'm going to be very blunt but I see a million red flags here. I also question whether any of us can give you any advice that will make the swinging situation any better for you because I am afraid you are in a toxic and pathological relationship to begin with.

There are two main reasons why 40 year old men get into relationships with 21 y/o women and it does not have anything to do with 21 y/o's being cuter and firmer. The first reason is a 40 y/o woman can spot a manipulative, predatorial user a mile away and won't touch him with a ten foot pole and the other reason is he is seeking someone that he can manipulate and talk into things that they would normally find offensive and would not otherwise do.

Yes, you are a sexual being and do have sexual feelings for people and you do have sexual fantasies but is this how you really want to be spending your life or would you rather have a nice normal conventional monogamous relationship with someone that is devoted to you?

This guy is manipulating you into a lifestyle for which you would not otherwise consider and he is not only using you as his own fuck-toy but he is also using you as bait to get into swinging venues and to get into group sex situations that he otherwise would not be able to get into as a single guy.

If he cared the least bit for you he would not put you into situations that you are not comfortable with or wish to do.

The only advice that I can offer in good faith is to rid yourself of this guy and find some nice normal guy within a few years of your age and go out on conventional dates and live a normal life. Find a normal decent guy that truly likes, appreciates and honors you and treats you like a valuable human being and not as some ticket to get into the door of a swingers club.

This guy has most likely already lived a life and had a wife (or two or three) has raised kids, has had a home and career and now he is just looking for some jollys and in the process he is at the least delaying if not distroying your opportunities at finding a healthy and loving relationship and getting a home and raising a family of your own. Cut your losses and move on.

Find a nice guy your age, date, fall in love, get married, raise a home and family and when you two have been married 10-15 years and have a healthy, happy and stable relationship you can look into swinging again and it will be a whole different experience for you when you do it with someone who truly honors and respects you.

[Youngswingz]

Okay, before I start answering questions:
In my original post, I was only addressing the issues that I've had thus far, nor was I really presenting a fair viewpoint of the situation overall.

We have had extensive conversations about our fantasies, what role swinging could play an extended relationship, and also how we've felt so far.
Since the first 'condom incident', we have not had a problem like that. I think it was partially because we hadn't truly established rules or figured out what we were comfortable with each other doing. On top of that, it was a very intense emotional experience my first time going.
We have had a lot of laughs out of our experiences there, and we have a very healthy and happy relationship.
My dilemma is coping with having sexual feelings for another person, or people, and being turned on by what's going on there.
Yes, there were a couple times I did feel pressured... but I wanted it too, otherwise we would not have gone. I have said no a couple times, and yes he was frustrated... but I would have been as well wanting to go and him saying no. Actually I have, so. He didn't take it out on me, and I didn't on him. I think how we've reacted to each other in this situation (one wanting to go, the other not) so far has been appropriate and fair.
Another viewpoint we disagree on is when to have swinging be a part of our relationship. Originally, I figured it would be something to do later on when the relationship is established and stable, as seems to be the norm here. He however, says he wouldn't like it in the future, when things are settled down and a family life begins. I have expressed to him that I don't believe he will have a problem with it in the future. Not that that's a bad thing. I just think the way he feels now and how he'll actually feel then are different. He has said though, he doesn't understand how someone is married and does it, and at first I kind of didn't either, but I'm starting to.

Okay...
LikeMinds! Thank you very much for your response.
We met doing jiu jitsu. He does not live at my place, no. He has told me he swung once before, with a female friend who showed him the club. He said they didn't have sex, but that she watched in a private room as a woman gave him a blowjob while the husband watched.
I don't remember how exactly he brought it up the first time, but he didn't suggest swinging until I told him of my attraction to other females and my mfm fantasy.
We have been startlingly attracted to one another from the beginning, and while the age difference was... noticed... at first, it has since been disregarded as we are happy together. The sex is phenomenal, the chemistry unlike anything I've felt with another person, and I believe he's being honest when he says it's the same for him.

Swinging is... very exciting for me. I believe I said in my first post that there are times I'm happy to be doing it with him. But then again... I am trying to cope with, being human, I guess. I have never really been with someone I cared about and thought much about, less pursued, sexual happenings with other people.
It's also been a little hard for me to be honest with myself about my feelings, and I've discussed that with him.
I did say that if I were alone, I might be going to this place.
It is exciting for both of us. We both like it. He likes seeing a woman go down on me, and I think if I could let go of my insecurity, I would enjoy watching another woman touching him. I'm also afraid of enjoying it.
So far we have only participated in, I think a proper phrase would be half-swing, and not even that since our first time there together. Another woman has not gone down on him, and we discussed I wasn't comfortable with it at first. I haven't gone down on a man, and haven't really on a woman because I don't like it as much as I thought I would. We have had sex next to another couple and touched and been touched, but that's about it.


Newpants,
I would like to thank you for your concern. I ask you to read what I've said above and see if it might change your viewpoint a little.
I have never asked this man for anything less than honesty, and made it perfectly clear up front that if he was with me for a fling, then let me know and we'd be alright. That was not the case.
I have never dated guys my own age. They are immature and not what I want to be with.
I have a full-time job, support myself fully, and am an independent woman. I have been through a lot, and people don't normally take me for early 20's.
Yes, he has had a wife, and he has two beautiful, wonderful daughters out of that marriage. I love his girls and have spent time with them, though not as the girlfriend of Dad... yet.
Swinging aside, we have a happy relationship. Swinging included... if we want to continue... yes, we have some things to work on. Our feelings towards it and towards each other being with other people.

I stated in one of my previous posts as well that I would like to try a full swing... right now, I don't think that's possible, no.
I realize that it is very early on in the relationship to be doing this. I have had the opportunity to tell him that I do not want to go again, at all... but that's not really the case.
I enjoy doing this, and am grateful to be doing it with someone I care about because we can talk through our feelings. Lord knows he's listened to me enough as I try to tell him how I feel about something while I'm working it out through talking!

Honestly, I would like for us to reach a place where we are comfortable with swinging in our relationship, because we BOTH enjoy it, and I don't think it will be detrimental. Maybe we should wait longer, maybe we should try it and see how we feel... that's what I need to figure out.
We're very similar in our sexuality, so we mostly understand how the other is feeling about the situation.

I don't know what else I could say right now... hmm...
I look forward to hearing your responses. I would like to say, I think again, that my first post was unfair and didn't encompass all of the things that have happened with our swinging. Mostly the points that I have viewed as negative or have had conflicted feelings on. Haha, when I titled this thread "Mixed feelings"... I wasn't kidding!!!

[Alura]

Originally Posted by Youngswingz

Thank you for responding Alura!
I am SO happy to hear that, with swinging introduced so early on in your relationship, that you two were together for such a long time.
That's another small fear of mine, as this is the first man I've been with that I can see myself spending the rest of my life with.

The idea was introduced early on, Youngswingz, but remember that we had three full years together to discuss swinging before we ever acted on it. There was never an urgency and we never went to a swing club until we visited one during a Swingers Board Meet Up, only a few years ago. We didn't play then.

After you two had your first full-swap, you were completely okay?
We've been talking and neither of us is okay with the other being with someone, but we both want to be. It's a bit of a rock/hard-place situation.

Our first swap was great for us. In fact, it's probably what kept us interested. It was not so great for the other couple. The husband was thrilled with his experience with Laura but his wife, despite being impressed with two orgasms from oral sex, was worried about the remarkable time her husband and Laura had. We learned later that she asked him, "Is she better than I am?" He admitted that he hesitated far too long before replying, "Of course not!" He asked if he could come over and play with Laura from time to time without his wife's knowledge. We showed him how our door worked from the inside going out and never saw him again.

Yes, we were completely okay. The experience gave us even more to talk about, which we did for about another year before opportunity knocked with another experience. They were a great couple, intelligent, educated, dedicated to each other and good in bed. (Well, the male required a bit of instruction by Laura to get oral sex right. ) We played for several years before the wife, who by that time was in her last years of medical school, was just too pooped to pop.

And I'm very happy I found these boards. We've only been to the swing club, and besides small conversations there, do not make friends or contact outside of it. That is a thing we disagree on. It's just sex, so there should be no other ties. I read all of these stories about how couples have been friends first or become afterwards, and I would like that, but it's DEFINITELY not his thing. It's nice to have people to talk to who understand and have been there. Swinging's not exactly a family or casual friend conversation...

We're happy to have you here. Some of us who've been around a while are quite proud of the wonderful services we can provide to couples thinking about the lifestyle. We won't tell you what to do, but we can perhaps help you to think about it and decide for yourself.

But back to you!

Laura was about twenty-five at the time we met and had an unsuccessful marriage behind her that had taught her the importance of communication. Both of us were sexual creatures and had in our pasts had sex with someone just because we liked sex. (Laura once fucked a college professor while away from school at a debate competition just because she had never done that and would likely not see him again.) Perhaps those experiences also prepared us for the lifestyle.

I was forty and had been married for a short time during college, single and traveling the world since my divorce. For at least a year, when we met, I'd not dated. I had given up entirely on finding a woman who could endure my weird ideas. Imaging my shock when I found someone who shared them!

AGE: Last night my college student son and I went to see my high school son's band concert. He was talking to a friend who sat with us. During the conversation, age came up. "If there's one thing I've learned from having this guy as a father, it's that age is just a number."

Statistically women outlive men by about seven years. That means you likely will be a widow somewhat earlier than if you married a man your own age. It is up to you to decide if the specialness of the relationship is worth it. On the other hand, nothing in life is guaranteed. It seems totally unfair to me that Laura was the first to die.

Age is just a number.

Alura

[Sunswept]

First, welcome! This is a great place for you both to flesh out your experiences so far.

My own story is identical to Mr. Alura's in all major details, with minor differences around the edges. I was 41 when I met my partner, who was 30. Swinging did not come up between us in a really important way until we had both met and integrated with ALL of each others friends and familys, which was about a year. She brought swinging up first, and although much younger than I, she had experience, which I did not except for some group sex experiences way back in college, prior to my own failed marriage.

Three months is 12 weeks. Youngswingz, I get the impression that although you have had past relationships and sexual partners, you now feel like you have found someone special. Not only does he "get you" sexually, he gets to you on deeper emotional levels in ways that are new and with an intimacy that is amazing for you.

There is something that people in the polyamory community call NRE, new relationship energy, and that is something everyone including strictly monogamous people go through, poly people just named the phenom. My hunch is that NRE is coloring EVERYTHING about your new relationship right now. Youngswingz, be gentle with yourself, I hope you can step back enough from the sexual excitement to understand how that alone will make things very confusing for you both in terms of exploring swinging right now.

Fantasies about swinging, or sex with other people is very common between monogamous, non swinging, couples. It is an idea that seizes the imagination, it is a very arousing fantasy -but the fantasy and the reality are two different things. So I think we understand the "push -pull" sort of conflicts you are feeling right now.

So one question is, what is important to you, and for just you -in moving so fast toward swinging? It takes time to emotionally process and find balance in any new relationship. THEN... it takes time to emotionally process and find a new balance when you decide to open the relationship to swinging. See where I am going here?

My partner was bisexual, I knew that going in, and NRE helped me gloss over any insecurities I had about that. I get the impression sexually relating to another woman is a new thing for you, it is a another evolving self discovery, finding what you like about sex with women and what doesn't work for you -add that to the sexual and emotional mixmaster. NRE has a lot of power in helping smooth the entry into a new relationship, new sexual energy can too.. but it can smooth some things that it may not be wise to smooth. The good news is that time always will tell the real tale, if we are patient.

Originally, I figured it would be something to do later on when the relationship is established and stable, as seems to be the norm here. He however, says he wouldn't like it in the future, when things are settled down and a family life begins. I have expressed to him that I don't believe he will have a problem with it in the future.

Is that just what you "figured" or is that how you actually feel? Seems to me you have answered your own question here! Your attitude is congruent with swinging, but if he really thinks that about swinging in the future, his attitude at this point is incongruent with swinging, and I must say, shows a lack of understanding of what swinging is all about. People do change over time, but almost never in ways we expect, and almost never in ways we want. The biggest personal mistakes I ever made in my life revolved around expecting people to change... they did... but never in ways I wanted or even could imagine!

There is a lot of "I did this for him" in what you express. Yes, the idea of swinging appeals to you both, but "taking one for the team" will bite you in the ass eventually, no matter how good the good things you experience in swinging are.

Swinging can be just soft swap, half-swap etc, and no one says it HAS to be full swap. Swinging can be anything -and there as many ways to swing as there are swingers.

But one thing that is a must is that you are both on board with whatever you do and both of you need to be on the same page. You two are not there yet, the quote above amplifies that. He wants you to charge ahead now, your gut wants you to go slower, and he is closing the door to the other side of the room. Now or never? Get your relationship balanced -and then come back to swinging if that feels right... really right. Might help you both if your partner post here too, so we can see his side first hand.

Youngswingz, not sure if you have seen 'Secret Diary of a Call Girl" on Showtime, but one thing it explores is the very real phenom of compartmentalized, "I want it now" or "I just want sex" sex...versus "sex with someone special" It deals with that elegantly,deftly and non-judgementally. We all have both those sexual trajectories in ourselves, the dominence of how they mix can change with experience and the period we are at in our life.

The woman who that series is based on has a blog. Don't let the "Call Girl" thing throw you, she is about far more than that , and her insights into relationships and sex are amazing and comport to my own experiences. I invite you to devour her blog, I think it will give you insights about yourself, men, sex and relationships that you may have not ever considered.
Belle de Jour

[Edison Carter]

Susan here-- What I can say is that if you try Swinging and do not like it, you simply stop. You don't worry or fear the experience you had, you simply tried something and it did not work for you. Often, because it's sex, we place an amazingly high expectation for the perfect or ideal experience. It's simply an experience to try, if you want to, then decide how to move forward.

How many things have you tried in life that you did not pursue ? Sex, should not be absent from the options in life worth experimenting with. However, sex is powerful and needs to be handled with respect. I use gasoline every day, it's never exploded because I know how to handle it. Same thing with sex, at least for me

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by Youngswingz

Newpants,
I would like to thank you for your concern. I ask you to read what I've said above and see if it might change your viewpoint a little.
I have never asked this man for anything less than honesty, and made it perfectly clear up front that if he was with me for a fling, then let me know and we'd be alright. That was not the case.
I have never dated guys my own age. They are immature and not what I want to be with.



Honestly, I would like for us to reach a place where we are comfortable with swinging in our relationship, because we BOTH enjoy it, and I don't think it will be detrimental. Maybe we should wait longer, maybe we should try it and see how we feel... that's what I need to figure out.
We're very similar in our sexuality, so we mostly understand how the other is feeling about the situation.

I don't know what else I could say right now... hmm...
I look forward to hearing your responses. I would like to say, I think again, that my first post was unfair and didn't encompass all of the things that have happened with our swinging. Mostly the points that I have viewed as negative or have had conflicted feelings on. Haha, when I titled this thread "Mixed feelings"... I wasn't kidding!!!

You do seem very articulate and are able to put your feelings and conflicts into words well so I will give you that. I don't know if it really changes any of my earlier thoughts though.

I understand your interest and titilation with swinging and understand your feelings of excitement and enjoyment of it because sex is inherently exciting and pleasurable and it is normal to be curious and adventurous.

Where I am having the conflict is from some of your statements I have visions of you mentally picking out your wedding dress, thinking about where you are going to buy a new house together and thinking about what color of hair and eyes your children together are going to have while his future plans are thinking about how things might transpire at your next swingers party.

I'm not saying he is necessarily a bad guy but you two may be on completely different wavelengths as far as what you are wanting out of life and looking for in this relationship.

Compared to 21 year old men he WILL seem very mature and will seem like all you are wanting at the moment. But keep in mind he has been married, has owned a home and raised a family so he has already been domesticated but that doesn't mean he is actually Mr Right. He has been around a lot more 21 year old women than you have and he knows exactly what to say and how to behave in order to get you to go along with whatever he is scheaming up.

Noone is ever going to tell you that you are just a "fling". ALL men are going to tell you that you mean more to them than that and that your relantionship with them is something special. Anyone can say anything, it is actions and behaviours that matter and there are some questionable behaviours going here.

If he had a twin brother that was just like him in every way would you want your sister to be falling in love with him and following him around and doing things that he wanted her to do even though she was experiencing quite a bit of internal turmoil over it??????????

I will admit that I have a very deeply ingrained personal bias against 40 year old men hustling 21 year old women. There is just too big of an imbalance in power and manipulation ability and statiscally over time the girls just end up getting burned.

Since I am so biased I will say this and then I will gracefully bow out of this thread. This is what I would tell my own daughters who are both in their early 20s in any matters dealing with men.

Don't put merit into anyone's words or promises, judge them based on their actions, behaviours and how they treat people when your not watching. Always pursue your own dreams and interests and don't settle for leaving your aspirations by the wayside to fullfill someone elses wants especially if they are at your expense. And since the subject at hand is swinging, always be in charge of your own sexuality and pursue your own sexual interests and do not allow anyone to dictate to you what you do with your do with your own sexuality. Good luck and I wish you well.

[Alura]

When my late mother-in-law (Lee) first saw me (with my hippy hair and beard, not to mention my biker clothing) at the Frankfurt airport her thought was, "Oh, my god! It's worse than I thought!" She pointed out that I was closer to her age than Laura's. I assured her there was nothing I could do to make her daughter older.

Later, in private, she told Laura that I would flee at the first sign of trouble. "Mark my words!"

When Lee got sick from diabetes brought on by obesity, she was amazed that I helped her, drove her places... the store ... doctor appointments...

She died before Laura was diagnosed with breast cancer. Eleven years later, shortly before Laura's death, she told me of Lee's prophesy that I would be gone when "the going got rough." "How wrong could she have been," Laura said.

Sometimes it is the younger woman who "chases" the older man. Usually those who've given older men a chance and found we're really pretty nice to have around.

Alura

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by Alura

.

Later, in private, she told Laura that I would flee at the first sign of trouble. "Mark my words!"

When Lee got sick from diabetes brought on by obesity, she was amazed that I helped her, drove her places... the store ... doctor appointments...

She died before Laura was diagnosed with breast cancer. Eleven years later, shortly before Laura's death, she told me of Lee's prophesy that I would be gone when "the going got rough." "How wrong could she have been," Laura said.


Alura

....don't put merit into anyone's words or promises, judge them based on their actions, behaviours and how they treat others when you are not watching......

[Sunswept]

Originally Posted by Alura

....Sometimes it is the younger woman who "chases" the older man....

Yes Alura, that was what happened in my case. While the Old Man gaming the young woman is a popular stereotype, it is only that and the same applies to Older Women with younger men BTW. My partner chased me, and the fact is that intimidated me a bit, she was drop dead beautiful in all ways, I could not help thinking it was all too good to be true. Not only that, in some ways she was much more mature and less naive than I was, and was wiser than I will ever be. Thank God she was more persistent than I was intimidated! LOL!

But Youngswingz shares some issures here that can apply to ANY couple that knows little about swinging, dips their toe in and then finds themselves discovering the difference between the idea, and how they actually react to the real situation. On one hand it is so arousing and exciting, but on the other we can react in ways we did not expect.

Youngswingz seems to think her conflict may due to her insecurities, that is undoubtly true in part as it was for many of us starting out, but if she has a relationship she values, I would think her desire to protect that relationship is also a big, big factor. And that is a normal thing to feel! Having the realtionship be so new will only amplify all that!

Newpants, you make a spot on point about watching how people treat others. How many times has everyone seen a couple out on a date, and the guy fawning all over or being ever so sweet to his girl, and THEN treating the waitresses or waiters like crap trying to be "the Big Man" -while we watch and think to ourselves, "What does she see in that jerk"? But that happens with Old/Young-Young/Old -Young/Young -and even Old/Old occasionally.

That does not mean we can say much about Youngswingz's partner, not to much to go on there, and it doesn't really matter anyway. She has no control over him, she can only control herself. And all we can do is ask questions, tell her our experiences, point out things that give us pause, listen, and give her resources to sort the situation out for herself, and trust that she can. With that, she can figure out the rest on her own.

[Youngswingz]

Sunswept,
I can't tell you (all of you) how much I appreciate you taking time and sharing your experience and views with me.
He is a great man, honestly. Treats people fairly and kindly, is humble, and is an amazing father.
I have been around enough negative male role models and had enough in my life to realize those behaviors of treating me well and other people badly, and this is BY FAR not the case.
You were spot on about being protective of the new relationship.

I want to thank you all for your insights, but I believe it's best for now for the both of us to bow out of swinging and focus on each other.
And if it so happens that we don't make it... well, that's unfortunate, but a lesson learned.
After that, I may explore the LS on my own.
But if we are partners, I hope that one day it can be an exciting, happy, and HEALTHY aspect of our relationship.

Thank you all again, and maybe we'll meet someday down the road...