I think my GF got carried away, but we haven't talked about the event

[glassypeaks09]

My gf and I started going to parties about 6 months ago. We had been to two others and had a blast. We played in hotels after each. At first, we just did soft - girl/girl stuff. The second party we got more adventurous and we both basically did a soft swap with other guys going down on her and touching her etc. We both liked this, it was a big turn on. We still had our rule of no full swap sex (more hers than mine!). At the first few parties we stayed very close to each other and "looked out" for each pther really well. (She was cautiously enthusiastic but not quite as much as I was about attending these parties.) At the last after party there were about 6 couples and pretty intense play going on as you can imagine. I felt more comfortable that we were a little more free to roam around a little since we were both more experienced at this point. At the height of it, I hear my gf moaning and the sound of someone fu--king her. I can barely see just the top of her hair through all the bodies , but it is obvious she is getting it from behind and enjoying it. We had been drinking alot and I know she must have gotten carried away - I said out loud - "hey (her name) you know thats not me!" - it continued - i couldnt say how long maybe 20 seconds maybe a couple of minutes and I say two more times that "hey thats not my cock inside you" - I think it was the guy who was doing my gf's wife that was laying out in front of me, wanting me to do her I suppose (again, lots of people , hard to see what all is going on) - I was hesitant to do so, but wondering if I should go ahead and proceed since my gf surely was. Finally after I said louder a third time (keep in mind the room was fairly noisy) that she was being f'ed by someone else, it stopped. She looked mortified and got upset (she held it together until we could leave, was almost in tears) Granted in the past we were extra cautious staying close etc, and the guys were less aggressive than this guy was, or so I think, not knowing how it actually started - we only flatly stated our bounderies to the couple who invited us and felt more comfortable when theirs were the same, but i felt like... "man, why is she upset?. She is the one that broke the rules." I still wonder if she actually stopped him or if he just finally came and then she felt guilty about it. I am trying to move on and for the most part have. I think I would have felt better about it if she had just said "oh god, I got really carried away, I am so sorry" instead of "I didn't know what was happening." Anyway, it put a damper on our comfortness sharing fantasies etc (she was very reluctant to talk about being attracted to others for quite a while, if not still to a certain extent) and left a bad taste in our mouths after the other great parties we had been to. Typically, we feel super close after playing with others, this was different. We seem to be past it now and will be playing again soon, so I guess it will all end well. I am writing to get others opinions about what happened and how they may have moved on. Do you think she knew what was happening? -I know it really doesn't matter and I shouldn't wonder, but that is easier said than done. We have waited a while now and feel like we are in better place with our sexuality and trust again, so I think getting back into the "swing" of things will be fun and an important part of putting it behind us . Does this make sense? Other than stating our rules to the room beforehand, is there any other advice?

[padoc]

Sounds like you guys were "playing with fire". You had step by step moved along from watching to girl-girl to even hotter group play. What happened was only the natural progression of things, perhaps fueled by alcohol. Maybe you two should have discussed the inevitable happening as your exploration continued. You apparently didn't but it was bound to happen. Remember, its only sex, its recreational and once you take a shower, its over. Don't beat her up over this. If you're determined to remain "soft swap" don't booze her up and put her in a situation where penetration could happen. Your play time probably won't be as intense but your rules should remain intact. Otherwise, it may be time for you both to reassess your ROE.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by glassypeaks09

...We seem to be past it now and will be playing again soon, so I guess it will all end well. I am writing to get others opinions about what happened and how they may have moved on. Do you think she knew what was happening? -I know it really doesn't matter and I shouldn't wonder, but that is easier said than done. We have waited a while now and feel like we are in better place with our sexuality and trust again, so I think getting back into the "swing" of things will be fun and an important part of putting it behind us . Does this make sense? Other than stating our rules to the room beforehand, is there any other advice?

The passing of time can tend to make us think a past problem is no longer an issue. I think there is still work to be done here. I don't think you should look at what happened as not mattering anymore. Something did happen and you haven't discussed it. It would have been best to talk about the unsettling incident soon after it occurred, when everything was fresh in your minds. You are still wondering about that day, I think your girlfriend is, too. Time has passed but it's not too late to discuss this. If you don't talk about what happened physically and emotionally on that night, you could have a similar situation arise again. I encourage you to sit down and talk.

I can't tell you if your girlfriend knew what was happening, only she can explain what she experienced that night.

Based on what you've said, I think you were in a swinging group of about a dozen people who were tightly involved in playing and I'm gathering that many of these swingers were full-swapping. In a cluster like that, people can assume that everyone is willing to have intercourse if they see others doing it. You have to be ready to speak up immediately if someone is attempting to do something you don't want to do. Letting the host couple know your boundaries doesn't mean the other couples know what your rules are.

If your aren't going to full swap I'd suggest not jumping into a big pile of people UNLESS you know them all and you've told each couple your rules. Even then, there are people who try to break rules and you have to be prepared to speak up if they do.

Your girlfriend may have had so much alcohol that she didn't handle the situation well. BTW, I feel you each should be responsible for how much you drink and shouldn't expect the other to control the other's drinking. Alcohol can cause people to make poor decisions they regret.

My advice is to talk about what happened. Do so without blame, realizing that either of you can make mistakes at any time when swinging and discussing those mistakes are the way you can avoid them in the future. With swinging, it's not just the great times that bring you closer, but also the not-so-great times, because when you stick together when the going gets tough you come out feeling closer than ever.

LM

[Alura]

When the wisest of the advisors on this board address a question, Like Minds is surely one on them. But I agree with Padoc, too.

When we get a question here that shows the poster is quite upset about a breach of rules in his (or her) relationship, the event that precipitated it almost always has too much alcohol involved. I think the mistake y'all made was to continue to play when both of you knew y'all had too much to drink. Control of alcohol is surely an issue to be resolved if the lifestyle is to be continued.

Frankly, your rules may have been too stringent for y'all to adhere to. I'd suggest a lengthy discussion of rules between the two of you.

Alura

[lovinher]

Originally Posted by padoc

Sounds like you guys were "playing with fire". You had step by step moved along from watching to girl-girl to even hotter group play. What happened was only the natural progression of things, perhaps fueled by alcohol. Maybe you two should have discussed the inevitable happening as your exploration continued. You apparently didn't but it was bound to happen. Remember, its only sex, its recreational and once you take a shower, its over. Don't beat her up over this. If you're determined to remain "soft swap" don't booze her up and put her in a situation where penetration could happen. Your play time probably won't be as intense but your rules should remain intact. Otherwise, it may be time for you both to reassess your ROE.

Sorry, I mean no offense but I completely disagree.

Natural progression?. No such thing unless you want it.
Inevitable? Nothing is inevitable unless you let it happen.
Don't booze her up? I'm assuming she is an adult.
Put her in a situation? See above.

Listen to Likeminds.

[N8ture Girl]

I said out loud - "hey (her name) you know thats not me!" - it continued - i couldnt say how long maybe 20 seconds maybe a couple of minutes and I say two more times that "hey thats not my cock inside you" - I think it was the guy who was doing my gf's wife that was laying out in front of me, wanting me to do her I suppose (again, lots of people , hard to see what all is going on) - I was hesitant to do so, but wondering if I should go ahead and proceed since my gf surely was. Finally after I said louder a third time (keep in mind the room was fairly noisy) that she was being f'ed by someone else, it stopped. She looked mortified and got upset (she held it together until we could leave, was almost in tears) Granted in the past we were extra cautious staying close etc, and the guys were less aggressive than this guy was, or so I think, not knowing how it actually started - we only flatly stated our bounderies to the couple who invited us and felt more comfortable when theirs were the same, but i felt like... "man, why is she upset?. She is the one that broke the rules."

This part caught my attention. All other stuff aside, maybe she was upset because you humliated her in front of all those other people?????

Like Minds said it well. You two need to sit down and really talk about what happened, how each was feeling and so on.

[dlflorida]

Originally Posted by N8ture Girl

This part caught my attention. All other stuff aside, maybe she was upset because you humliated her in front of all those other people?????

Like Minds said it well. You two need to sit down and really talk about what happened, how each was feeling and so on.

completely agree

[slevin]

Originally Posted by N8ture Girl

This part caught my attention. All other stuff aside, maybe she was upset because you humliated her in front of all those other people?????

Like Minds said it well. You two need to sit down and really talk about what happened, how each was feeling and so on.

Absolutely. This was my first thought as well; it explains her horrified reaction as well as her claiming she didn't know what was happening. Easier to be the victim than admit fault when faced with a reaction like yours.

That doesn't mean that interrupting the play was wrong. I don't think I would have hollered out like that repeatedly. I likely would have stopped my play and quietly intervened. Or perhaps inquire if she knew what was going on. If I was ok with it, then it would be to confirm she was comfortable and I'd go back to my own playtime. If I wasn't ok with it, I'd quietly interrupt them and either resolve it on the spot or remove ourselves to resolve it privately. In smaller group settings I'd just stop play to let my feelings be known. That is something I've done before and which worked very well.

Talking about it with her is important. I'd be letting her know that I'm not angry with her, I wasn't angry with her at the time and that I just wanted us to be on the same page.

[glassypeaks09]

Thanks for everyone's input. I never thought that I embaressed her, but I see now how that may have been true. I was just really surprised by what she was doing. She had previously made it clear that she did not want to have sex with other guys at all (without any prompting from me whatsover). I was trying to make sure that the sex was #1)OK with her - and #2) see what I should do - kinda like "ok babe , well if your sure then here i go too".. (I am aware its not good to change ROE during play) If I had been closer to her, I guess I would have been able to tell whether she was OK without asking out loud. It seems that many of you think that she was indeed embaressed by being called out doing something on the very edges of her comfort level. i guess that is the only thing that still bugs me - if that is true, i wish she would just admit it - hell it may even be a turn on to talk about etc. So perhaps I should have assumed it was ok after I made a comment and went ahead with the guy's wife? I am fairly confident that not everyone was doing full swaps - i know at least two couples said they didnt.

The embaressed explanation explains her reaction and why she wanted to leave so badly. But if she was embarressed, why would she continue after I made mention once or twice? Afterward, she wanted to go RIGHT away, as soon as we got dressed. I thought that was pretty awkward, so I insisted we relax and socialize for 5-10 minutes before leaving the hotel room. She ended up being really upset with ME for that - this may support the embaressed hypothesis. What i hear folks saying that believe this to be the case is that it is not likely that she really didn't know what was going on. Makes me feel pretty dumb for calling her out like that, but i was just trying to look out for her (and to be honest, decide if i was going to "proceed" as well.) Maybe she did have no choice but to play the victim which she def did. I feel like i got the short end of the stick on this one.

The biggest downer here is that if that is true, it really reduced our intamacy for a while. She was alot more reserved about her sexuality for afterward. We have made alot of progress since and have discussed the incident at length. She still claims she didn't know what was happening. I really want to believe her, mainly so I would know she trusts me enough to tell me if that wasn't the case.


Thanks again for all the input.

[glassypeaks09]

Originally Posted by N8ture Girl

This part caught my attention. All other stuff aside, maybe she was upset because you humliated her in front of all those other people?????

Like Minds said it well. You two need to sit down and really talk about what happened, how each was feeling and so on.

But i humiliated her??? Didn't she do that to both of us by putting us in that situation as the result of her breaking the rules?

[Edison Carter]

At this point she may have convinced herself she was not completely aware of what was going on. Our minds will do many things to protect us from truths we may not like. Especially those expressed while drunk. That being said, I do not believe for a moment she meant harm, you were in a sexually charged environment and sex happened. No surprise and no need for punishment, she seems to have done that already.

The best thing to do right now is hug her, tell her how sexy she is and if the vibe is right, say she looked amazing 'getting it on' at the party. Then, kiss her and fuck until you've both fucked this out of your system and put it in the past.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by glassypeaks09

We still had our rule of no full swap sex (more hers than mine!)....I think it was the guy who was doing my gf's wife that was laying out in front of me, wanting me to do her I suppose (again, lots of people , hard to see what all is going on) - I was hesitant to do so, but wondering if I should go ahead and proceed since my gf surely was.

Thanks for coming back.

When I read this part (above) in your opening post, I felt you may have been more upset about not getting to have intercourse with your playmate than you were about your girlfriend breaking your rule. Now that I've read your recent reply with the statements I've quoted below, I feel it is the biggest issue here.

Originally Posted by glassypeaks09

I was trying to make sure that the sex was #1)OK with her - and #2) see what I should do - kinda like "ok babe , well if your sure then here i go too"....

...So perhaps I should have assumed it was ok after I made a comment and went ahead with the guy's wife?...

...Makes me feel pretty dumb for calling her out like that, but i was just trying to look out for her (and to be honest, decide if i was going to "proceed" as well.) Maybe she did have no choice but to play the victim which she def did. I feel like i got the short end of the stick on this one.

If your GF would have given you the thumbs-up, I don't think you'd have been bothered by her breaking a rule, you'd have been happy to see you both taking the plunge to full swap. You would have been doing it with that guy's wife and having a great time, no doubt.

But it didn't happen that way.

Time to get over feeling you got cheated out of sex. It doesn't do you any good to harbor bad feelings.

Another thing that has been weighing on my mind from the start; maybe your GF was feeling overpowered, even raped by this man, in a strange surreal way that was somehow appealing sexually, yet moments later repulsive to her.

There are so many ways we could make guesses here, but only your GF can explain what went on in her head that night. She may be as confused as you.

LM

[N8ture Girl]

Originally Posted by glassypeaks09

But i humiliated her??? Didn't she do that to both of us by putting us in that situation as the result of her breaking the rules?

As I said all other things aside... but if this is a competition on who humilated who the worst then I will put my money on her. Did she humilate you? Or was it your ego? This is not a blame game. You BOTH messed up. Where were you when she got too drunk to know what she was doing? Your supposed to have her back as she is supposed to have yours. You two need to talk about what went wrong so it doesnt happen again. Communication is so important and if your going to be sucessful at swinging you have to be able to openly talk about it all, the good and the bad.

Good luck!

[prometheius]

Doesn't matter who was to blame for what happened, doesn't matter if you felt humiliated, (remember that you are the one who spoke up (3x) and you may have been perceived by others as creating drama). It's all done and over with and now in the past. Learn from the mistakes and move forward.

Don't count cookies when you are swinging. Sure, she got to do full swap and you didn't. It's happened to me, it's happened to my wife too. Sometimes, that's just the way it goes in the lifestyle. One thing you will learn from the veteran swingers here is that to enjoy what you are doing here, you'll need to put your SO's feelings right up there on the pedestal next to your ego. If you can do that, you'll have made a big step towards enableing yourself to becoming a mature swinger.

[Alura]

I'm glad you registered, GlassyPeaks. This is a situation that probably happens more often than we realize. It should be talked about here. Thank you!

Would it be possible for your wife to join the discussion?

Mr. Alura