I think my GF got carried away, but we haven't talked about the event

[SecretAsianMan]

Talk to your partner about what happened and explain that your feelings were hurt by her violation of the rules that y'all both set up. Apologize to her for humiliating her DURING that situation and admit that you could've handled it better.

Y'all have to BOTH forgive each other and move on...

Figure out if this changes your situation any... Do y'all want to set up new rules for swinging for each other? Do y'all want to stop doing this for a while? Do you want to make enough of an issue of this to change your current "rules of engagement" when it comes to swinging?

In other words... TALK TO EACH OTHER... FORGIVE EACH OTHER... CONTINUE TO LOVE EACH OTHER... MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIVES TOGETHER

[Sunswept]

Originally Posted by glassypeaks09

...We had been drinking alot ....Does this make sense? Other than stating our rules to the room beforehand, is there any other advice?

glassypeaks09, I hope you take what I say constructively. People do all sorts of things they did not intend to do, or would not have otherwise done when they have been drinking a lot. Not just in swinging either but in regular life. You can have all the rules in the world, drinking a lot can make all that a moot point. Another thing is that the most predictable thing about people that have been drinkng a lot is that they often become unpredictable. No way for us to know if anything else is wrong, the drinking thing throws the whole thing into question... unless we were there to see what really happened, which we were not. You are not sure what happened yourself.

Just get past this, forgive each other, handle and communicate about anything that comes up about this incident promptly. Listen to each other and simply say you are sorry and mean it, that applys to both of you. Forget about any "who is right, who is wrong" stuff here. It was a shared screwup. Next time you, your partner or you both drink a lot and swing ... leave and go home... be sure to get a ride.

I imagine I am not the only one who will not swing with anyone who has to drink to swing. I drink socially, but not that much when I swing because it numbs me out and I lose awareness. To me, thats like going to the movies wearing my darkest sunglasses.

I hope you will put yourself in a party host's shoes, and ask yourself if you would invite you two back to a party if your drinking had caused a scene or a drama. Life is too short. Either swing a lot, or drink a lot... but not both at once.

[twohots4u2]

We just read this and Tina said, "I cannot believe he was shouting to her at the club like that? That must have been the most ugly thing he could have done, short of pushing the other guy off of her! To me that would have spoiled swinging forever!"

We both think that you have a lot of deep apologies to make to your girlfriend. And, before you ever try to swing again you need to reassess what each of you want from swinging. Sounds like otherwise you are on a dangerous path.

Tina felt also felt that your type of shouting leads her to believe you have control and anger issues in your regular life and she feels that you need to make a reassessment of yourself in that area too.

[dixiedelight2]

I've never played with anyone that was so drunk they didn't know someone was sticking a dick in them or that they were being fucked by someone they didn't want to fuck them.
I'm not judging anyone here just stating the way I see it based on how you explained it. Sorry.

[snapps]

Ok, I’m a lil late to the party, but Let me get my two cents in...

First of al, ya'll were playing with fire (as many have already stated). So you should have expected for something like this to happen sooner or later. Secondly, as many people have also stated, you and her needed to talk more about things before jumping right into the heat of it all.

Now as far as her stating she was completely unaware of what’s going on.... Well, that’s obviously and completely BS... No one gets that drunk, especially when it comes to having sex, i mean c'mon! If she really was that drunk, you had no business leaving her alone in that atmosphere and situation, and even so, it's hard to believe she was that drunk but yet was able to be moaning from getting fucked.... I mean really.... People have a knack of conveniently falling back into that setting and excuse when things happen that they are either embarrassed about or simply want to forget and move on from.

Obviously this incident bothers you, so I would strongly recommend you guys talk about it and deal with it before simply moving on and forgetting about it... or trying to act like it didn’t happen. Things will not get better from here on out if you guys continue this path... Well, that's my two cents... EnjoY!

[metroman]

Originally Posted by glassypeaks09

My gf and I started going to parties about 6 months ago. We had been to two others and had a blast. We played in hotels after each. At first, we just did soft - girl/girl stuff. The second party we got more adventurous and we both basically did a soft swap with other guys going down on her and touching her etc. We both liked this, it was a big turn on. We still had our rule of no full swap sex (more hers than mine!). At the first few parties we stayed very close to each other and "looked out" for each pther really well. (She was cautiously enthusiastic but not quite as much as I was about attending these parties.) At the last after party there were about 6 couples and pretty intense play going on as you can imagine. I felt more comfortable that we were a little more free to roam around a little since we were both more experienced at this point. At the height of it, I hear my gf moaning and the sound of someone fu--king her. I can barely see just the top of her hair through all the bodies , but it is obvious she is getting it from behind and enjoying it. We had been drinking alot and I know she must have gotten carried away - I said out loud - "hey (her name) you know thats not me!" - it continued - i couldnt say how long maybe 20 seconds maybe a couple of minutes and I say two more times that "hey thats not my cock inside you" - I think it was the guy who was doing my gf's wife that was laying out in front of me, wanting me to do her I suppose (again, lots of people , hard to see what all is going on) - I was hesitant to do so, but wondering if I should go ahead and proceed since my gf surely was. Finally after I said louder a third time (keep in mind the room was fairly noisy) that she was being f'ed by someone else, it stopped. She looked mortified and got upset (she held it together until we could leave, was almost in tears) Granted in the past we were extra cautious staying close etc, and the guys were less aggressive than this guy was, or so I think, not knowing how it actually started - we only flatly stated our bounderies to the couple who invited us and felt more comfortable when theirs were the same, but i felt like... "man, why is she upset?. She is the one that broke the rules." I still wonder if she actually stopped him or if he just finally came and then she felt guilty about it. I am trying to move on and for the most part have. I think I would have felt better about it if she had just said "oh god, I got really carried away, I am so sorry" instead of "I didn't know what was happening." Anyway, it put a damper on our comfortness sharing fantasies etc (she was very reluctant to talk about being attracted to others for quite a while, if not still to a certain extent) and left a bad taste in our mouths after the other great parties we had been to. Typically, we feel super close after playing with others, this was different. We seem to be past it now and will be playing again soon, so I guess it will all end well. I am writing to get others opinions about what happened and how they may have moved on. Do you think she knew what was happening? -I know it really doesn't matter and I shouldn't wonder, but that is easier said than done. We have waited a while now and feel like we are in better place with our sexuality and trust again, so I think getting back into the "swing" of things will be fun and an important part of putting it behind us . Does this make sense? Other than stating our rules to the room beforehand, is there any other advice?

Man, a tough situation and all to real. This can be very deep psychology beyond me. I would offer, there is a possibility that the Mrs was acting out on some long pent up hostility/resentment regarding something not connected to sex or this party but directed to you. It may be time to do the hard thing and look at yourself.....have you been disrepecting your wife w/o realizing it, have you been controlling or manipulating her in some fashion? Feeling she couldn't get you to listen to her feelings - she acted out - Now she has your attention. I would suggest asking what you can do to be a better husband/partner and most of all a better listner. Are there other acts of hostility showing up outside the sex arena?
Let's be honest - You're at a party for sex - your level of expectation for your wife may have been to ideal and not realistic. Did you have sex - probably not which makes her action more annoying - she got it & you didn't - Not fair!
Do you love her? If yes, Forgive her! Don't ever bring this up again! Don't throw it in her face or make a bunch more rules. Do show her more love in your actions. Do figure out her love language (5 languages of love by Gary Chapman) and start speaking it. Fix yourself - you can't fix anyone else. Respect her as an individual. Do give and it will be given back. The biggest thing hurt is your pride - love your wife more than your injured pride.
Again, just another opinion, but you asked.

[Trace Ekies]

We would not put too much weight on a situation like this...as stated before, an intense, multi-partner, full-swap gathering will lead to intercourse...pure and simple.

If the hosts informed you that it was a full-swap gathering then you put yourself in a situation that you weren't ready for and if they didn't, you still put yourself in a situation you weren't ready for.

Take a deep breath and talk. We started with very few rules and the only one that still stands is "we play together"...and we're considering trashing it.

At one time you were not swingers and then you were considering swinging and then you became swingers who soft swap and you got here thru communication...

Don't let an event that appears to be "heat of the moment" change something that you seem to enjoy without having a frank discussion of both of your wants and wishes...now's the time to get into the really small details and be honest with yourselves and each other.

You'll be surprised what you learn and, if you're like us, you'll be so horny for days after that you'll be insatiable...and that's worth the effort in itself.

Good luck

Trace

[JustAskJulie]

Have you talked to her yet? If not, why are you here asking us what happened when you should be asking her?

Communication is key for any relationship to work, especially one that involves swinging and it doesn't sound to me like you guys have been doing much of that lately. Maybe she was embarrassed, maybe she didn't realize it wasn't you and was upset at that... but the only way to know is to talk to her. The only way to move past is to talk to her, find out what happened, and why, let her know how you felt and why you did/said what you did the way you did it and then work it out.

[SaSsyNsWeEt]

Originally Posted by N8ture Girl

This part caught my attention. All other stuff aside, maybe she was upset because you humiliated her in front of all those other people?????

I couldn't agree more! I would be horrified if I was called out in front of everyone. Maybe that was best left as a conversation once you had both left the party. A better way of handling it would have been to ask the other guy if you could cut in so you could be with your GF...just a thought!

[SecretAsianMan]

I've been in situations where my partner stepped outside the rules... it is incredibly frustrating and I understand the feeling of ... "Hey wait a minute, I thought we had a rule!"-moment

It's not fun... but the discussion between the two of y'all needs to happen as soon as possible afterwards and done at a time when you both can maintain cooler heads about the happening.

If you wait too long ... you'll then have those days / weeks / months of frustration built up where you just let this thing that was bothering you build-up and eat away at you all that time. Yes, it's not a bad idea to talk to a few others to get some advice - but in order to actually RESOLVE the issue... you have to talk to your partner about it

[couplers]

1) You two should agree beforehand not to drink too much.
2) Tell you you love her; no big deal.
3) Forget about it, or at least never bring it up again.

[VanHlebar]

I think if you have been in the LS long enough something "like" this is bound to happen. Now let me clarify, I don't mean your partner banging someone else and not knowing it wasn't you. What I mean is rules or boundaries getting broken. It just happens and I think it probably happens to everyone at one time or another. These are the learning and growing spots in your life. It is how you communicate and deal with the busted rules that show you how strong your relationship really is.

I agree with Susan, I strongly believe that she meant no harm in doing what she did. She got carried away and know feels bad about it. Like some have said maybe your approach to the situation wasn't the best, again it happens. Maybe instead of "yelling" like you did, maybe you could have moved through the crowd until you where in front of or near her head. Bent down and lovingly gave her a very passionate kiss. This could have let her know you where "ok" with what was going on, and would have had the side benefit of letting realize that you where not the man inside her. If she then started to panic, you where close enough to help her out directly and be a calming influence. Just a thought.

At any rate, I hope all has worked out for you and your SO. I know what it is like as I have broken most of our rules that we once had at one time or another AND Mrs Van has broken many also. Like I said, it happens, but it is how you deal with them that really matters. Talk to your SO, then talk some more and then when you think you have it all talked out, you might just want to talk about it again.

-Van

[lovinher]

I wonder (actually I know) what the responses would have been if it was he who broke the rule. While I do think he didn't handle it well at all, the fact that they had never full swapped before and had a rule not to, IMO gives him every right to be upset. It seems he is being blamed here for her indiscretion. What is he a baby sitter? And to suggest that a full swap or breaking their rule is inevitable is BS.

How many soft swap couples may have read this and now think that one of them will end up fucking somebody at some point because they lost control in the heat of the moment or that it's "bound to happen"?

As far as communication? It's all ready been said.

[Alura]

I think Van is on the right track.

The passionate kiss is the right approach. He then has two choices. If his wife needs rescue, he can take the place of the guy fucking her or if he senses she's okay, he can go about his own pleasures.

I think all swingers might keep this in mind just in case the situation warrants it.

Alura

[VanHlebar]

Originally Posted by lovinher

I wonder (actually I know) what the responses would have been if it was he who broke the rule. While I do think he didn't handle it well at all, the fact that they had never full swapped before and had a rule not to, IMO gives him every right to be upset. It seems he is being blamed here for her indiscretion. What is he a baby sitter? And to suggest that a full swap or breaking their rule is inevitable is BS.

How many soft swap couples may have read this and now think that one of them will end up fucking somebody at some point because they lost control in the heat of the moment or that it's "bound to happen"?

As far as communication? It's all ready been said.

By no means was I excusing her of her part in the interaction. I personally have never bought into the excuse that drinks made me do it and I wouldn't have done it otherwise. I have always subscribed to the belief that all drinks do is give you and excuse for something you wanted to do anyways, just incase it goes bad.

You are correct that he is not her babysitter and she should have known what she was doing and is completely responsible for the breaking of the rules, period no doubt about it. All I was saying is that there "might" have been a better way to handle that situation. When I say "might", I wasn't there, it didn't happen to me so I don't know how I would have reacted. All I can say is that I know in our personal experience, we have broken rules and boundaries that we had set at the beginning of our journey. We did not do them on purpose and we had no intention of hurting each other. The way I see it, is you have one of two choices at this point. Learn from it and move forward or stop.

I don't know if anyone reading this entire thread will think that they are "bound" to have a full swap when they don't want to. I did not mean to imply that that was the situation that was going to happen eventually, what I meant and guess I didn't convey very well is that eventually, there is a high probability that one person will do something that hurts/upsets their SO. It is what you do after this and how you react to it, that really matters.

-Van