When/How/Should we break it off?

Ok, i see this as a kind of common theme around here. Our story: Last weekend we met a couple for a repeat "date". This couple disregarded our rules the first time we were w/ them (he took off condom and wanted to have sex w/ me in separate room, and for some reason, i dont totally trust the female). The other female is hot, but very full of herself. She also has eyes for younger men. Namely, my hubby. I feel like she is the only one whos getting anything out of this to be honest. The other male is very nice guy, sends me texts/emails and him and i do most of the communicating. He is very into me (told me he thinks of me every day... creeps me out a bit to be honest). She even makes fun of our long emails saying she gets bored. (thought it was kind of rude the way she said that). Anyhow.... I am having trouble getting into her, as well as him.

The first time i had to push myself and drank too much and ended up full swapping w/ them on 1st date, and that was our first time ever doing that. The girl and i also hooked up, which was fun, but i got an off vibe from her (like she was not totally bi, which i am, and is important to me). overall i had a dirty feeling after. Decided for a 2nd go w/ them, had a nice dinner and some drinks..on car ride back to the hotel i told hubby i liked them even better then the first time..he agreed. We were really excited thinking we found "the couple". The guys were hitting it off as friends, her and i hit it off at dinner as friends also ... started the night w/ her and i hooking up (in private she wanted to show me her lingerie and we ended up having a pretty steamy kissing session...)... then the guys came up, and we started making out right off the bat w/ other SO's (not my liking, i prefer to start w/ my own hubby, but anyhow).. eventually leading to full swap, same room.

Now the guy can't stay hard enough, (first time problem also)...and he gets distracted watching his wife (and makes me watch her when he can't performs ) on my hubby. He gets frustrated b/c of the condom, and since he had a "v" he took it off again! He seems insecure or more of a voyeur (not sure if this is normal behavior for him or what). While i went down on him, he was watching them....more then me. I found it kind of odd and insulting. He was able to get hard but soon soft again.. needless, overall... i was feeling punished hanging out w/ them last night as some points. Hubby also told me she wanted him to take his condom off!! We dont know if she is on BC or what, and she even took it off of him, which is when he went to the bathroom.( We told them in email exchanges that we need condoms to be part of our play. They disregarded that rule... twice now).

I was pinching the crap out of my hubby when he and the other mrs were having sex (a sign we agreed was to stop the works and switch back to own partners). but, instead of stopping, he came over and kissed me while doing her. I was probably most angry last night b/c of this issue (him not respecting my rule). I made it very clear to him that pinching = switching. I hope he gets it next time, b/c he feels pretty bad about it.

It all ended when hubby went to the bathroom for a while...the guys ended up back w/ his wife and me in a MFF, and my hubby came back...i tried to get going w/ him but he was not in the mood. (too tired,)

And, a sign that they have to go is hubby and i argued after the 1st and 2nd date both afterwards... i was drunk and said things i didnt mean, but he in a minute said he would stop swinging in a second for me. But, i really dont feel its swinging necessarily but perhaps this couple. We were with a different couple, where the guy really knew what he was doing, they were experienced, and it went great with them. no arguing, jealously, etc. Him and i loved it, and its a very NSA thing, perhaps we will see them again but they seem to not really want a friendship. But- with this couple, those feelings are bound to arise when hubby and the other mrs are having all the fun. Im pretty angry about it still when i think about it and how it went down.

On top of that, this guy doesnt shave, has hair all over (he is not horrible, but its not my thing), and honestly is pretty bad in bed (and gets really sweaty, lol, gross). Hubby told me that she is also not very good in bed. (both kind of lazy, lol). he said no one compares to me....and i feel the same about him. We both really try, and feel the others should also. (rather then just do the norm). Im beginning to also think we should try to stay w/in our age range... perhaps thats freaking the other guy out (my hubby being young).

Its hard and i feel confused, since im a nice girl and like to make everyone happy. They think were great pals, want to take us on more dates, have all kinds of fantasies they have been sharing which sound great, have us to their nice home, etc etc.. but... from what happened last night it was not something i want to repeat ever again.

Also, i kind of worry that they are a bit clingy.. they are sort of pushing us to take our Swing Lifestyle profiles down.

Sorry so long and looking forward to responses.

[Alura]

I believe there are 'way too many issues on your part to ever make this friendship work. I'd suggest you break it off now. You might also want to assess whether or not the lifestyle is for you.

Alura

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

....looking forward to responses.

Maybe, maybe not.

I'm going to echo what Alura said. Break it off right now. For their benefit and yours.

Red flags:
1. They made multiple attempts at condom removal.
2. You got drunk in order to play.
3. You two have argued after playing, and you've said things that you regret.

There are others that could be listed, but the point is, I'm seeing as many red flags on your half as I am on theirs. I mean, seriously, you pinch him when you want to switch? Are you trying to piss him off? Whatever was wrong with saying "Let's switch" when you want to switch?

You lament the fact that the one couple you liked playing with doesn't appear to want friendship, yet are disparaging towards this couple because they do.


So, my opinion is, cut it off with them, and any other couple you are talking to. You and your husband need to sit down, and figure out exactly what you want from swinging. I would highly, highly suggest you find a form of communication during play that doesn't involve "pinching the crap out of your hubby". You also mention you like to make everyone happy. If you try to make everyone happy, you'll probably end up making no one happy, including yourself and your spouse.

Good luck.

[Newpants]

Ask yourself these questions -

Was it fun?

Are you really in sync with them and everything just seems to kind of flow naturally towards everyone's pleasure?

Did you come away hoping that you could get together again?

Did you and your hubby experience a rush of good feelings/lust/exhiliration etc after playing with them.

Do you count down the minutes untill you can play with them again?

Is continuing a relationship with them benifiting you or your relationship with your husband in any way?

If the answer to all these questions is yes then go for it. If the answer is no then why bother?

This is a bit off topic but this is why I think some people prey on newbies (you didn't say you were newbies but you mentioned it was your first full swap) It seems like newbs often are looking for "the couple" and will go back for seconds after a bad encounter.

Hint here = this isn't "the couple."

[spiritualuk]

Hey there this all sounds very familiar lol, your question was When/How/Should we break it off? Well after reading what you wrote, and speaking from over 10 years of experience with this lifestyle my honest answers would be:

Q: When?
A: NOW!!

Q: How?
A: Tell them your not ready as a couple and that you have decided to take a break from this lifestyle, blame yourselves not them, and back out easily.

Q: Should We?

A: Well I'm assuming you mean SHOULD WE break it all off. Well my honest answer would be YES YOU SHOULD. Which doesn’t need any thinking about because this couple repeatedly tuck off condoms during play (without even asking) and that alone shows a huge disregard for you, themselves and the rules of play, that alone is enough reason to say your goodbyes.

Don’t get me wrong, maybe in time you would have naturally stopped using condoms with them as the trust and friendship grew, however it would certainly be nice to have that choice (or at least be asked first) because basically if this couple are willing to just ignore such rules, and just take off condoms during play, they will probably do various other un-thoughtful and bad mannered things. HOWEVER all of this is still a little pointless because at heart the man in question is really not your type (which you have clearly stated) sweaty, hairy, nervous, always pulling off condoms, really is not a great combination (have experienced similar myself) so not only are they been selfish and rude by pulling of condoms without permission, but they are also not your type anyway, so letting go now would probably be best.


I know that breaking things off with new play partners can sometimes be a little difficult, generally because there hard to find in the first place, so you have worked so hard to find them / meet them that it feels a shame to just give up, or maybe you fear that your partner would be angry because you wanted to break things off, however thats not enough to stop you been honest, because the facts are, there been rude, and only a few people are enjoying it (which probably wont change) and you can move on and meet other people, maybe a single, or another couple. This is never an easy thing and finding that perfect couple or single can be extremely difficult, and my honest advice is not to expect to much or you will never meet anyone who meets your expectations.

However, that does not mean you have to live with rude, selfish and even dangerous behavior, and it also doesn’t mean you have to play with someone you really don’t like. SURE you don’t have to love a person to play with them, you don’t even need to be SUPER attracted, but YES there has to be some attraction there or what’s the point? I recommend moving on and finding a new possible couple / single and learning more together as a couple, and talking more before meeting someone your comfy with. Remember you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince, and that saying remains the same with this lifestyle, some people will just NOT be compatible with you, but in time someone will come along who is, or that’s at least half right.

Anyway, just don’t think your the only person who has encountered such issues, which in some respects is a comforting fact that you shouldn’t feel bad about, other people have gone through similar things and often its all part of learning and finding your feet in this lifestyle, so you are actually learning from this, so don’t feel bad (it happens) and is part of learning, so by all means talk more, decide what you would like, and move on, hopefully to people who make you feel more comfy and respected, you can have better experiences with this lifestyle, so look on the bright side and go and find them lol. Good Luck x x

[PB&J]

If you don't want to have sex with these people... don't. That's is not what the lifestyle is about. If you're not enjoying it, don't do it. Look for people you DO want to have sex with.

As for breaking it off? Tell them that even though they are great people, you just don't feel the chemistry necessary to keep this going, and hope that you will see them at the club, etc,. We've done it. Mind you, the couple we sent an email like that to never even responded to it, and has basically cut us dead at events we've seen them at since, but I still feel that it was the right way to do it. They were the clingy sort too- wanted a "regular" couple and thought we would be great, but after a couple of playdates there were just too many red flags to keep it going. And yes, I hate saying no, and hate rejecting people, but if I'm going to go out and have sex with someone other than my husband, it had damn well better be with someone who turns me on!

[lustylearning]

Ummmm... I am still trying to figure out why you went back for seconds. You are going to be slaughtered by this lifestyle if you cannot look at a situation and say, "That was not fun, and I do not want a repeat."

[spiritualuk]

I can see why you went back for seconds and wouldnt worry yourselves to much about that (most of us have been in similar situations) can be a little difficult if one person enjoys the experience and the other doesnt, one is left wanting to meet again, the other is left not wanting to meet them at all, in those times its about working as a couple and making the right choice.

[asncpl]

We've gone back for seconds at times when there were good and bad things about the first experience especially when we like the couple and want to make sure it's not a fluke. But for you to have ambivalent feelings both times (and argued with your husband afterwards), I would say move on. From what you described, they seem rather pushy and if your personality is to please, that's not a good combination. The removal of the condoms is a big red flag when you don't want them to. I'd say for the few rules that you have, stick with them and if they can't respect that, they should not be playing with you.

If you enjoy their company, do what Spiritualuk said. If you want to maintain the friendship, you can suggest keeping that and going out have dinner. Personally, I prefer to keep the distance for a while before reestablishing contact.

[Edison Carter]

Susan here--If it's not going to be amazingly fun, we never have a second romp and have never had a bad first romp, either. We take red flags seriously and don't try to color them any differently than what they are. We like our track record.