Nerves

[biwhat]

As some of you know, my husband and I are trying to ease back into swinging after a disastrous attempt a few years ago. We have decided to take things very slowly this time and (hopefully) avoid mistakes that we now know we made before. I have been working on my insecurities and jealousy, and building my confidence. We have been talking and talking and talking like posters have advised, and I think we are ready for the next step. We have joined a group, and next month, we are going to a party they have at a motel. We have decided that we will not be doing anything that requires any form of nudity the first night. Flirting, kissing, and some fondling is ok if the opportunity arises, but nothing else. Like I said, taking it SLOWLY.

Here is the problem, though. I am still scared to death! Not of the same things that I was before, but I guess I am just worried about the "unknown". This is so unlike the experiences that we have had before (which is probably a good thing), and I really don't know what to expect. Another thing that worries me is that hubby is really outgoing and social, but I am very shy and reserved until I get to know people. It seems like women are usually the aggressors in the swinging world, but I am definitely not the aggressive type. I am wondering if people will think it is creepy if he is the one to approach someone we are interested in...at least until I can get my courage up to do it?

I would also like some input to make sure that we are "prepared" before we go. Here is what we have accomplished so far:

1) We have pretty much figured out our boundaries. Still working on some details, but it is pretty much under control at this point.

2) We have agreed that alcohol will not play a big part in the evening. Don't want to lose what control we have over the situation, or make decisions that aren't made with a fairly clear head.

3) We have decided that we will both be clear on the "rules" before we get there, and we won't change them in the middle of the stream. (kind of worried about this one, more on my part than his)

Does anyone have any other advice or suggestions? I want this to go as smoothly as possible, but I want to have fun too. I want to be prepared, but I don't want to over think it, which I have a tendency to do. Any help would be appreciated!

[lustylearning]

Remember to not overthink it.

Try to stay within eyeshot of one another, so that you can gauge each other or throw signals if you need to.

And, oh yeah, try to not overthink it

[N8ture Girl]

Does anyone have any other advice or suggestions? I want this to go as smoothly as possible, but I want to have fun too. I want to be prepared, but I don't want to over think it, which I have a tendency to do. Any help would be appreciated!

My advice is relax! If you have worked out your rules between you and yours, if you dont drink to excess and dont have any expectations for the evening out then all should go well at least on your part. Just go with the flow of the evening. Have no expectations. Dont go with the intent on playing with another couple, if it happens then great, if it doesnt then maybe next time.

Another thing that worries me is that hubby is really outgoing and social, but I am very shy and reserved until I get to know people. It seems like women are usually the aggressors in the swinging world, but I am definitely not the aggressive type. I am wondering if people will think it is creepy if he is the one to approach someone we are interested in...at least until I can get my courage up to do it?

I was shy in the beginning too and not the aggressive type. So Hubby and I approached other couples together if we were at a large party. With time, my self confidence increased and now I am the social butterfly and host our own gatherings. But I dont consider myself aggressive. There is a difference in being socially outgoing and aggressive.

So just relax and dont overthink it and just try and have a good time.

Good luck.

[biwhat]

Originally Posted by N8ture Girl

My advice is relax! If you have worked out your rules between you and yours, if you dont drink to excess and dont have any expectations for the evening out then all should go well at least on your part. Just go with the flow of the evening. Have no expectations. Dont go with the intent on playing with another couple, if it happens then great, if it doesnt then maybe next time.



I was shy in the beginning too and not the aggressive type. So Hubby and I approached other couples together if we were at a large party. With time, my self confidence increased and now I am the social butterfly and host our own gatherings. But I dont consider myself aggressive. There is a difference in being socially outgoing and aggressive.

So just relax and dont overthink it and just try and have a good time.

Good luck.

Together??? Now why didn't I think of that?! No seriously...why didn't I? LOL. I think that is a good plan. Maybe that will also give me an opportunity to see how he handles it, so I can learn from him.

I also like the idea of no expectations. I think I am trying so hard to "prepare" myself for what might happen, that I am not even considering what might not happen. That is a good thing to keep in mind.

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by biwhat

Here is the problem, though. I am still scared to death! Not of the same things that I was before, but I guess I am just worried about the "unknown".

A couple questions for you - Are you "scared to death" and "worried about the unknown" in many other areas of your life as well or is this anxiety pretty much limited to just swinging?

In other words is being hampered by constant fear and anxiety an imbedded personality trait for you? Do you spend a good part of your day worrying about "what if?s" and does your fear and anxiety often keep you from trying new things or stepping out of your box? Have you ever sought treatment for fear/anxiety/depression etc from a medical or mental health professional or had a mental health or medical professional suggest treatment for anxiety/depression or other issues with dealing with fear/anxiety?

Don't worry, I am not suggesting you have any mental health or personality disorders at all I am just trying to determine if being "scared to death" is an issue that is specifically isolated to the idea of swinging or if fear of the unknown/anxiety is an issue in other areas of your life as well.

Knowing which is which may influence a lot of our advice significantly.

[The Fuse]

Just one little thing to add: it might be a good idea for you and your husband to have some sort of signal that means "I would like to talk to you away from others for a moment". Perhaps a hand signal, or just a tap or two on the arm could be the prearranged signal. That way if you start to feel anxious or feel like your social husband is leaving you behind a little, you can get zeroed back in on each other for a minute. You don't have to leave the room. Just step away from the group for a moment and put your heads together and talk quietly for a minute. That is fine in the swinger environment.

Even if you never use the signal, you'll know you have it available if you want to take a mental breath together. That in itself could help your anxieties.

[biwhat]

Ok. Wow. I guess I would say that yes to some degree this is a problem in everyday life. I hate trying "new" things and will avoid it if possible. I really don't spend a big part of the day worrying about "what-ifs" though....Well unless it involves something outside of my comfort zone. :-)

I have never sought medical/professional help for it, but I have recently started trying to do things that I normally wouldn't do, or wouldn't do alone. It has been quite the confidence booster for me. I realize that it is a problem, and I want to overcome it. I know that jumping into the lifestyle is not an option for me at this point. But I think if I take things slowly, it will help me on several different levels.

[lizandtom]

Biwhat, do you really have any interest in swinging, because by the sound of it your husband is zealous and outgoing, and it appears that he is pulling you along.

I have no idea what you've tried years before, but your writing above doesn't sound like that of someone who's looking forward to letting loose and having a boatload of fun, but rather like your husband is ready to party his heart out and it almost seems like it's the last place you want to be.

With rules and boundaries so prominent, if this hotel party is a large meet and greet that's one thing, but if it's an intimate encounter then you don't sound ready by what you've written.

What do you want to get out of swinging?

[biwhat]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

Just one little thing to add: it might be a good idea for you and your husband to have some sort of signal that means "I would like to talk to you away from others for a moment". Perhaps a hand signal, or just a tap or two on the arm could be the prearranged signal. That way if you start to feel anxious or feel like your social husband is leaving you behind a little, you can get zeroed back in on each other for a minute. You don't have to leave the room. Just step away from the group for a moment and put your heads together and talk quietly for a minute. That is fine in the swinger environment.

Even if you never use the signal, you'll know you have it available if you want to take a mental breath together. That in itself could help your anxieties.

That is an excellent suggestion! As a matter of fact, hubby and I were just talking about that today. We are trying to work that one out. We also decided that we needed to take a few minutes to check in with each other before things progress (even within our boundaries) just to make sure that we are both still ok with everything. That was one of the mistakes we made before. We got so wrapped up in what was going on, that we didn't take time to really check with each other during the "action". By the time we had a chance to access the situation, it was too late.

It is like I told him, if we are so involved in what we are doing that we can't take a minute to make sure we are both ok with it, then we are probably TOO involved in what we are doing. ;-)

[biwhat]

Originally Posted by lizandtom

Biwhat, do you really have any interest in swinging, because by the sound of it your husband is zealous and outgoing, and it appears that he is pulling you along.

I have no idea what you've tried years before, but your writing above doesn't sound like that of someone who's looking forward to letting loose and having a boatload of fun, but rather like your husband is ready to party his heart out and it almost seems like it's the last place you want to be.

With rules and boundaries so prominent, if this hotel party is a large meet and greet that's one thing, but if it's an intimate encounter then you don't sound ready by what you've written.

What do you want to get out of swinging?

No hubby is not pulling me along with him! In fact, it is a little bit of the opposite. As I mentioned in a previous post, our last attempt at swinging was traumatic to me because we jumped in too fast, and made lots of rookie mistakes. There was also another issue which caused problems, but we are working passed that. This time, hubby is a little gun shy because he knows that I was hurt before. He didn't even want to try it again, until I brought it up to him and assured him that I wanted to give it another shot.
I can't honestly say that I am ready to just let loose...yet. But I am ready to ease back into it. As long as we can take our time, and let me get adjusted to it step-by-step, I think it will be a "boatload of fun".

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by biwhat

Ok. Wow. I guess I would say that yes to some degree this is a problem in everyday life. I hate trying "new" things and will avoid it if possible. I really don't spend a big part of the day worrying about "what-ifs" though....Well unless it involves something outside of my comfort zone. :-)

I have never sought medical/professional help for it, but I have recently started trying to do things that I normally wouldn't do, or wouldn't do alone. It has been quite the confidence booster for me. I realize that it is a problem, and I want to overcome it. I know that jumping into the lifestyle is not an option for me at this point. But I think if I take things slowly, it will help me on several different levels.

Well since fear of the unknown and of doing new things is an ingrained part of you I don't think there is anything that any of us can say that is going to make a light flip on and have everything be all hunky-dory for you. Since swinging is something that is often new and unpredictable you will probably always have quite a bit of fear and trepidation towards it.

I'm just guessing that you are probably also a bit of a control freak and like to have everything be very organized, predictable and under control. Unfortunately swinging is often very freeflowing and depends greatly on feelings and the mood of the moment and is probably a lot more art than science.

Lets try this, peel away all the layers and look into your deepest darkest fears that you have about swinging and perhaps we can give you some insight as to how realistic those fears are as well as what signs to watch out for and what to do about it if things look like you are headed down a path of any of those fears actually coming true.

[biwhat]

Originally Posted by Newpants

Well since fear of the unknown and of doing new things is an ingrained part of you I don't think there is anything that any of us can say that is going to make a light flip on and have everything be all hunky-dory for you. Since swinging is something that is often new and unpredictable you will probably always have quite a bit of fear and trepidation towards it.

I'm just guessing that you are probably also a bit of a control freak and like to have everything be very organized, predictable and under control. Unfortunately swinging is often very freeflowing and depends greatly on feelings and the mood of the moment and is probably a lot more art than science.

Lets try this, peel away all the layers and look into your deepest darkest fears that you have about swinging and perhaps we can give you some insight as to how realistic those fears are as well as what signs to watch out for and what to do about it if things look like you are headed down a path of any of those fears actually coming true.

Wow! I said this place was better than a visit with a shrink! LOL. Anyway, just by reading the forum I have gotten rid of a lot of the usual fears. Just getting to the point that I was ready to mention it to hubby was a milestone for me. To be honest, I really don't know what my deepest darkest fears are, and I have thought a lot about it. I have tried to figure out what I am afraid of, but I can come up with an answer for everything, except fear of the unknown. I know that doesn't make sense, but I think it is just because I have never been to a (swing) party setting with lots of people involved. When we attempted it before, it was with single female friends or a couple who we were friends with....Never with strangers. I think I just have social anxiety, and that will only be overcome by just doing it. Working on my confidence level should help with that to a point, and I am hoping that the more I do it, the more comfortable I will become with it.

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by biwhat

Wow! I said this place was better than a visit with a shrink! LOL. Anyway, just by reading the forum I have gotten rid of a lot of the usual fears. Just getting to the point that I was ready to mention it to hubby was a milestone for me. To be honest, I really don't know what my deepest darkest fears are, and I have thought a lot about it. I have tried to figure out what I am afraid of, but I can come up with an answer for everything, except fear of the unknown. I know that doesn't make sense, but I think it is just because I have never been to a (swing) party setting with lots of people involved. When we attempted it before, it was with single female friends or a couple who we were friends with....Never with strangers. I think I just have social anxiety, and that will only be overcome by just doing it. Working on my confidence level should help with that to a point, and I am hoping that the more I do it, the more comfortable I will become with it.

Social anxiety can be very debilitating in many areas of life and not just swinging although lifestyle is very much a social setting as well as a sexual one and the value of common social skills can not be overstressed. Social anxiety can be treated and many social skills are in fact just like any other skill and they can be learned and improved. that might be something you may want to look into.

However I am definately not trying to make you feel like you have any problems or need a shrink or anything but you did sound like this may not be the only area in your life that is affected by your fears.

I'll give you some sage advice that Forest Gump would give you if he were here - Take care of your feet. (ok technically that was Lt Dan but work with me here)

Keep your feet in good shape and wear shoes that you can walk in. If your feet are in good shape and you have on shoes that you can walk in, then no matter how bad anything gets......you can just walk away.

I'm not trying to be a smart@$$ here, really. Think about it, if you have your eyes open, if you aren't skunk drunk or drugged so you have a clear mind and can make rational decisions. If you have shoes that you can walk in and your feet are in good shape, how much trouble can you really get in???

The real issue I think you are having is a confidence issue. When you walk in to any kind of "new" experience and in this case it's a swinging experience, you need to have confidence in the following things

- that you will be physically safe.

- that your husband will be there for you and will be compassionate and responsive to your needs, fears and desires.

- that your relationship will remain safe and intact.

- that you will be emotionally and psychologically safe ( ie that you won't make a fool of yourself or offend or harm anyone else and that you will not be emotionally harmed by others)

So no matter what you are doing, just ask yourself these questions - Am I in any danger? Is my partner supporting me? Is this causing any threat to our relationship? Am I at any risk of causing myself or others any emotional harm?

If the answer to any of those is a legitimate yes then stop and evaluate it and correct it (walk away if you have to)

And if the answer is no then ask yourself is there any kind of real threat or just anxiety. If there is no real threat then take another step forward.

You have three directions - forward, standing and backwards. Stay sober and be aware of your surroundings, if you encounter an actual threat then stop or step back. If no real threat take another step forward.

either way all three of those actions require healthy feet and good shoes.

[biwhat]

That is good advice. Not just for swinging, but for my everyday life. Thanks!

I think part of what I was scared of was the lack of having "control" in that kind of a setting (yes you hit that nail on the head too..I AM a control freak). But you reminded me that I have all the control that I need. I am in control of whether I walk forward or take a step (or more) back. That helps a lot!

I would, however, still like to know a little more about what to expect at the party. Maybe etiquette tips, or tips on how to handle the situation in general. Just anything that people think will be helpful.

[padoc]

Jeeze.....it's just sex! Surely over the years, you've engaged in first or second date sex or maybe some spontaneous heavy foreplay. As someone said before, "don't overthink this". It's supposed to be fun and recreational, not an exercise in pre-coital recriminations.

Yes, there are certainly aspects of swinging that require some thought, discussion and agreement but in the end, it is still just sex and it can be good, bad, OK, terrific, mind blowing or simply masturbation with a partner. When you're finished, there won't be a panel of judges holding up numbered cards scoring your performance.

Swinging is supposed to be fun. Don't beat it to death and don't think it to death. Set your parameters with your partner, stay within them and enjoy the moment.