You're Hot Then You're Cold...

[SexyAssGoodXXXs]

This is the Mrs. here. I am going to try and be as clear and concise as I can,,,so if I do not make it clear what I am trying to convey...feel free to ask me for clarification...
About 5 months ago we met a cpl. via the internet and hit it off IM'ing and talking via phone calls and texts. When we finally met them, it became immediately obvious to us that the wife had misrepresented herself in her pictures. She didn't look like the pics. So, hubby was turned off and nothing happened. That night. But, texting them a few days later, her husband and I realized he and I were very much attracted to one another. My husband was fine with it and we set up another date to meet. She also agreed and we made all rules and what was to happen very clear.
Her Mr. and I had an amazing time of things...and my Mr. joined in as well. She took pics and that was that.

We have also seen them a few more times, with other cpls. in attendance so we all can play.

But, her Mr. and I got pretty close...IM'ing and texting...She and I as well.
I always am respectful of her and always ask if all is well....She akways reassures me things are fine.

Now, in between that time and recently, she has told me he is in love with me. I brought it out in the open...In front of him, her and my Mr. to which he adamantly denied that he was. So, okay...all is well.

However, a few weekends ago...after not seeing them for close to 2 months...

He went from being very attentive and kind to me...to almost being rude.
The only thing I did differently this time was since we were meeting at a dance, and there was no for sure they were going to show up...I flirted and danced, etc. with others. When they did show up...He saw me hugging a few people and questioned me about this for the first time...{Usually I only play with him and my Mr.} his demeanor was distant and cold at times. I didn't even know why they came, but figured it wasn't my issue and I went to find my Mr. and dance.

When it came down to playng...here is where I get really confused.
Normally...he is all over me. Kissing me, very connected to me...And it is intense. This last time? No kissing, and the word "mechanical" comes to mind. To say he was rough is an understatement. I swear, he was pissed off..
The only time he did kiss me was to say good bye. It was like night and day...literally!

My Mr. got that sense too. If I had known he wasn't going to kiss me or was not going to be into it...I would not have gone there. I just was not expecting that behavior at all.

To make matters worse...Usually the next day I will get a text thanking me or something nice to let me know he enjoyed it...This time?
Nothng. Just his wife telling me he said thanks and only after I IM'd her.

[NWAtlSwing]

So, red flags galore. I'd not play with them. Obviously, something is going on with his feelings that is getting weird.

[N8ture Girl]

If it were me I would run the other way and not look back! This other couple reeks of drama. First she misrepresented herself. Now he is falling in love...What was the wifes feelings regarding that?? Who knows what is going on with them. What ever you had with them you will likely never have again. Move on, its not worth pursuing. Its one thing to build a solid friendship with your play mates, but love is not. (unless your working towards a poly type relationship) I have been in a similular situation, and its not fun believe me!! Drop this couple like a hot potato. If you see them out at clubs or parties, be civil, but dont waste too much time engaging them. There are plenty of other good couples out there.

Good luck!

[ebsfgncu]

Run!! Run as fast as you can in the other direction. As said below, it reeks of drama. In fact I would think you'd have gotten plenty of it by now. It started out as a good situation and as with anything in life that involves emotions, it can go amazingly wrong quickly. Lesson learned...move on.

[The Fuse]

He is jealous, obviously. Feeling possessive. He was upset to see you messing around with others, because it made him feel insecure about his place with you. And... he wants to punish you. It came out in his sexual behaviour and afterwards.

So, that brings up the question-- what IS his place with you? Regardless of the answer, he has already done enough to warrant stopping any activity with him. How you handle the situation depends on how much respect you have for him and his feelings, given your history and how he has acted. Perhaps you should just tell him you think things have gotten into an area you never intended or wanted, and that you are calling a halt. Or, if you don't feel the desire to be straight with him, just drop him and don't respond to queries. I would always want to be at least somewhat considerate to someone and interact with a bit of honesty, but lots of people feel it's okay to just cut someone off.

Drama... there will always be drama here and there. In my opinion, the only way to avoid drama entirely is to stop interacting with other human beings.

Mr. Fuse and I have gone down the road of a relationship with another couple, where the other Mr. and I were much closer than Mr. Fuse and the other lady. We definitely learned our lesson there. It's a bad idea. Although it sounds like a "left out spouse" is not the problem in your situation... it's your partner. Decide what you need to do, and do it... I would suggest as nicely as possible since there are real feelings involved, rightly or wrongly.

[Willing29]

Originally Posted by N8ture Girl

If it were me I would run the other way and not look back! This other couple reeks of drama. First she misrepresented herself. Now he is falling in love...

I would also run for the hills. As soon as someone you met a few times starts throwing the 'love' word around it is going way too far unless you are looking for a poly relationship. There's lots of nice sane people out there, so just keep looking.

[DigginIt]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

He is jealous, obviously. Feeling possessive. He was upset to see you messing around with others, because it made him feel insecure about his place with you. And... he wants to punish you. It came out in his sexual behaviour and afterwards.

So, that brings up the question-- what IS his place with you? Regardless of the answer, he has already done enough to warrant stopping any activity with him. How you handle the situation depends on how much respect you have for him and his feelings, given your history and how he has acted. Perhaps you should just tell him you think things have gotten into an area you never intended or wanted, and that you are calling a halt. Or, if you don't feel the desire to be straight with him, just drop him and don't respond to queries. I would always want to be at least somewhat considerate to someone and interact with a bit of honesty, but lots of people feel it's okay to just cut someone off.

Drama... there will always be drama here and there. In my opinion, the only way to avoid drama entirely is to stop interacting with other human beings.

Mr. Fuse and I have gone down the road of a relationship with another couple, where the other Mr. and I were much closer than Mr. Fuse and the other lady. We definitely learned our lesson there. It's a bad idea. Although it sounds like a "left out spouse" is not the problem in your situation... it's your partner. Decide what you need to do, and do it... I would suggest as nicely as possible since there are real feelings involved, rightly or wrongly.

Awesome response. Could not have said it any better !!!!!!

Possessiveness is a natural reaction when someone has too much attachment to another person. He was definitely jealous.

[SexyAssGoodXXXs]

I want every one of you who has responded to know I am very grateful for all your insight and advice.

Someone asked how I felt about him...
Fact is, I love him too. I also love his wife...And we tell each other so. But, my Mr. and I made it clear that when we say love...we mean it as friends...Because once we know you we grow to love you.

How does his wife feel? She is the one who told me he has feelings for me and has told me since that she blew it out of proportion and that she knows this is just sex. And she reassures me she is fine with all of it.

I know all of you are right about the red flags. I also know if I talk to them, I am not going to get straight answers. Hubby and I have tried the direct approach with them in the past, and the bottom line is, they are not going to admit to anything they do not wish to admit to.

I have no desire for our sexship to grow outside of our lifestyle parties and sex afterwards. And a part of me is done with the whole thing. But another part of me also feels he just needs to be put in check, lol!

The more I think about it...{Funny how after writing it all down and actually reading it, I have a much clearer view}, and after much discussion with the Mr. , I have simply decided to let it be. I have every intention of talking to my play partner about his behavior and feelings...{I dont like things hanging in the air}...But it will have to be done in time.


All I really want right now is to just be solely with my husband for awhile.

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by SexyAssGoodXXXs

I want every one of you who has responded to know I am very grateful for all your insight and advice.

Someone asked how I felt about him...
Fact is, I love him too. I also love his wife...And we tell each other so. But, my Mr. and I made it clear that when we say love...we mean it as friends...Because once we know you we grow to love you.

How does his wife feel? She is the one who told me he has feelings for me and has told me since that she blew it out of proportion and that she knows this is just sex. And she reassures me she is fine with all of it.

I know all of you are right about the red flags. I also know if I talk to them, I am not going to get straight answers. Hubby and I have tried the direct approach with them in the past, and the bottom line is, they are not going to admit to anything they do not wish to admit to.

I have no desire for our sexship to grow outside of our lifestyle parties and sex afterwards. And a part of me is done with the whole thing. But another part of me also feels he just needs to be put in check, lol!

The more I think about it...{Funny how after writing it all down and actually reading it, I have a much clearer view}, and after much discussion with the Mr. , I have simply decided to let it be. I have every intention of talking to my play partner about his behavior and feelings...{I dont like things hanging in the air}...But it will have to be done in time.


All I really want right now is to just be solely with my husband for awhile.

This is the humble opinion of someone who is just some guy out in cyberland but I really think you should reconsider having anything to do with them at all.

Take a look at your last post, IMHO you sound like a teenage girl who's upset that her EX (key word EX)boyfriend has started giving her the brush-off and has moved on with life. ie " I broke up with him but he's been acting like an ass towards me so I am going to hunt him down and give him a piece of my mind today"

Ummm, wait a minute - doesn't breaking up mean that you are no longer emotionally invested and are not having any more contact with that person??

What kind of "closure" do you really expect to get out of this? Are you wanting to know what his true feelings are and why he is treating you this way? Ok, I can tell you that. It's one of two things. The first possibility is that he does have some sincere feelings for you and the reason he is giving you the brush off now is because he realized he got in too deep and now is wanting to save his marriage and his sanity by disengaging with you.

Possibility # 2 is that your playtime together was just some fun and laughs but now he has realized that YOU are the one with the feelings and he is again trying to keep his marriage and sanity intact by disengaging with you.

Take your pick, which one is the less bitter pill to swallow? Either way, he is disengaging with you, does it really matter what the reason is?

I'm not trying to be insensitive or mean here but I really think you had a breakdown in the love vs recreational sex barrier here and got in too deep emotionally with this guy. We often get some warm and nice feelings with our play partners and usually that's a good thing, but you have gotten to the point where you are emotionally invested with him and in the long run that can only cause drama, hurt feelings and damage to your as well as their marriages.

My advice....walk away and don't look back. No more contact. No more txts/emails/facebook etc. No confrontations looking for closure. No nadda, no this or that, ZILCH! Nothing.

Look back at it as some fun times and a lesson learned and then look towards the future towards some fun times with your husband and other future playmates.

Keeping a separation between hot sex and love with playmates is a fundamental concept in swinging and whether you like to admit it or not, it sounds like you had a little break down in that barrier. There is no shame or foul in that, it happens. What's key is to face up to it and do what will cause everyone the least drama and pain in the end and that is to cut it off and walk away.

Both your husband and his wife have been very patient and tolerant in this and they both deserve either a pat on the back and a big smooch or swat upside the back of the head. Give your hubby the benifit of the doubt in this one and give him some special lovins and get your own marriage back in the priority position.

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by SexyAssGoodXXXs

Someone asked how I felt about him...
Fact is, I love him too. I also love his wife...And we tell each other so. But, my Mr. and I made it clear that when we say love...we mean it as friends...Because once we know you we grow to love you.

There's nothing wrong with that. My wife and I have not had the fortunate circumstance of finding a regular single male or couple. But, we have discussed many times that if we did find ourselves in such a circumstance, and had sex with another many times, you can't really help feeling a sense of love for that person.

The English language is very, very limited in its ability to describe the huge array of emotions that we lump together under the massive umbrella term "love". There's "I love this view!", "I love it when my cat sits on my lap and purrs on a cold winter day", "I love my son", "I love my mother", "I love that wedding dress!", "I love having sex with you", ...and I'm just picking at the tip of the iceberg here. There's sooooooooooo many ways in which a person can express and feel love.

A very firm rule with my wife and I is that any sense of romantic love being felt towards a play partner by either of us, or by that play partner to either of us, means it is cold turkey time with that person. But, loving someone doesn't mean you're romantically in love with them. I know if my wife had a regular single guy and had sex with him a hundred times, there's no question in my mind she would love him, and care for him very much. She would look forward to seeing him, get horny thinking about him, enjoy fucking him, and fantasize about him sometimes. But all of those things are not romantic love.

This other guy you've enjoyed playing with is romantically in love with you. His wife being ok with it really is of no direct concern here. Between your husband and you, you have to decide whether it's ok to continue playing with someone who is romantically in love with you. We made our choice to not do so if such a situation comes up primarily because we never ever want to do anything to harm our marriage, and secondarily because romantic love in a swinging situation (not commenting on polyamory here, an entirely different subject) is rife with drama bombs. You've run into some of them already; being treated poorly and roughly in sex, and not being respected after the fact.

Your choice.

[SexyAssGoodXXXs]

Newpants...You are entitled to your opinion...Thank you for your perspective on this. However, since you do not know the full dynamics...as obviously I haven't run it all down from start to finish with you...You cannot or rather...should not make such assumptions about our spouses. You do not know the connection my husband and I share. That is not going to go anywhere nor will it ever be broken. {He has his own playmates as well}. We are on a very even keel in that we understand we attract different types of people and {since we have been swinging for over 11 years...} we came to the conclusion that our playmates do not have to be in the same couple. It took us a very long time to get to this point...As for being a lovesick teenager..I assure you...I am not. I also assure you my husband knows exactly how I feel. And is fine with it. My partner's wife...same thing. She has her playmates too.
So, while my partner may very well...going on assumption, not fact...have romantic feelings for me...I love him in the sense of very good sex and friendship. And we have since talked everything out and are on very good terms. It turns out by me just communicating to him my questions and concerns...we have cleared a lot of things up.
His wife and I talked as well. As for playing? That will not be for awhile. As I need time with my husband and I feel he needs time with his wife.

[SexyAssGoodXXXs]

bbarns...I think I covered most of your concerns in newpant's response. But I want to thank you for your input and the way you went about it.
My husband is very well aware. And his outlook is that my play partner loving me in whatever capacity is irrelevant to him because he knows he can trust me.

[JustAskJulie]

The first question that came to my mind is why had you not seen them in 2 months prior to meeting them at the club? Had you made plans to meet them at the club? Or did you all just happen to be at the same club on the same night? Also, what was communication like between you all between the whole "he loves you" incident and meeting at the club?

To me it seemed like those were the missing pieces of info that would make a difference in why he might have been acting the way he was.

[SexyAssGoodXXXs]

Why had we not met them in 2 months? Holidays and meeting other cpls. As well as timing.

They were always game to meet us, but our schedules conflicted up until recently.

[SexyAssGoodXXXs]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Had you made plans to meet them at the club? Or did you all just happen to be at the same club on the same night? Also, what was communication like between you all between the whole "he loves you" incident and meeting at the club?

To me it seemed like those were the missing pieces of info that would make a difference in why he might have been acting the way he was.

We had made plans to meet at the club that night, yes. But they came pretty late into the party.


And the communication between us in between the "he loves you" incident was pretty much the same as always. There was no difference in communication because we all talked it out between the 4 of us.