My wife decided she was not interested. What happened?

[Coffeeblack]

Currently we are not swinging. I am(the male) currently waiting for the Mrs. to give the okay for us to get back into the swing of things(no pun intended). Several months ago, after sifting through several single males posing as couples, pic stealers and couples not interested in a black couple, we finally found a nice couple(that just happened to be interracial), which was fine with us, since we have no problem with color. Everything was perfect...they lived a few miles from us, very attractive and were new to the Life just like us. The only problem was the female of that couple and I seemed to click alot better then my wife and the male of that couple. My wife decided she was not interested in doing anything with this couple since she didn't find the male attractive. I was alittle dissapointed, but we decided in the beginning all or nothing when we played. Meanwhile, there was another couple we had been talking to that was interested in playing with us. The Mrs. of that couple was a little hesitant because she had never been with a black guy or black couple. After, her husband assured her it was okay and I talked to her some she was game. My wife was alittle hesitant as well. My wife is bi-curious and was nervous about fantasy becoming reality. After, talking to her and letting her know I was fine with not playing if she wasn't, she decided to give it ago. We headed out to the couples place...had a drink and chatted about the life, school and general stuff to get comfy and one thing lead to another. Long story short...experience ok...the wife of the other couple was really into it and we fucked and sucked like crazy and she even said my wife did great for her first time with a women( even thou she was only with her for 5 minutes or so). The male of the couple couldn't keep it up After playing with them for about an hour we said our goodbyes and left. My wife decided she didn't want to swing anymore.

I know this is long, but I wanted everyone to get the full picture. Any idea what happened. My wife and I occasionally talk about getting back into it, but not in detail as before. I think she's interested but I'm afraid to bring it up, but I doubt if she will. I want us to have the freedom and experiences sexually I read about, but I don't want to be selfish.I love her and I want her to be comfortable exploring her sexuality if that's what she wants, but I want her to have a great time. Open to any advice. Thanks.

[The Fuse]

You have to ask your wife why she decided she is not interested in swinging anymore. It sounds like she didn't have a great experience with either couple. If you were her, and had the experiences you described, would *you* still be interested? Talk to her, find out her reasons and her perspective.

[Coffeeblack]

Your right, after the experience she had I guess if I were her,I would lose interest as well. I really need to talk with her(Damn I'm nervous) A part of me is absolutely fine with never swinging again, and the other side can't help but think of all the fun and excitement playing with others can bring. Lately, I think about my wife and I meeting with a attractive couple (black or white, blue or green) for some drinks and conversation that leads to some erotic play. I love the freedom, attitude and respect swingers have with each other( I know there are bad apples as well) but over all, you guys sound like a great community of people. This site has educated me so much. I've told my wife about it (the board) but she really doesn't seem interested. I sincerely mean it, I would love to try it playing again, this time with a better idea of how to find playmates and take things alot slower. But, at the same time if she doesn't want to, I'm fine with that too. I'll keep you posted. Thanks for the advice.

[exploringRM]

We've had great experiences, good experiences, a few isolated "drama" experiences and wife encounters performance issues in guys more that she would like. I think it may be our age range (50). I realize first impressions are lasting impressions, but swinging is a journey where you learn/adapt along the way to gain a better experience. I'm thinking your wife was not fully into the idea to begin with, giving up so soon?

[Coffeeblack]

Thanks Exploring for your response. I kinda thought the same thing as well. Looking back over our encounter, they were not the best, but not any reason to stop. My desire is that she will one day learn from this board, and start seeing that there are better experiences to encounter. Until then, I'll remain patient and I'll soon talk to her and see what her real feelings are concerning the SL. Above anything, I want her to have fun and enjoy her sexual liberty. If she's happy, I'm happy.

[VegasLee]

Originally Posted by Coffeeblack

they were not the best, but not any reason to stop.

Many peoples tolerance levels are different. Those "not the best" times may have been enough for her.

This is a very different lifestyle to most people. Some really are not cut out for it and the least little bit of drama or negative experiences can turn them off to it all together.

Give her time but follow her lead. If she is one that does not want to experience this Lifestyle then best to let it be that way and go on with your life with her at your side. The other options are not so great.

[LFM2]

I really don't have any other advice to offer here. But, one thing that's worked for us and others in the past is to sit down at the kitchen table and discuss things. Discus this last session you had. Don't raise voices, don't accuse and don't become defensive. You might be sleeping on the couch after that.

Don't talk about this in the bedroom. Be on neutral turf and just talk. Communication is the key to most things swinging. If you can't communicate (you said you were nervous) you're most likely going to fail as swingers. Believe me when I know how difficult it is to talk to your spouse. At first, talking to Dave was almost like pulling teeth. I think he didn't want to reveal his feelings because he thought I'd think less of him? I'm not sure. Once we got over that little hump, we talk incessantly about all things swinging without regret.

Like VegasLee said, not everyone is cut out to be a swinger, and that's OK. Go slow. In this lifestyle, you can only go as fast as the slowest person. *You've probably read that hear before*

Good luck... Please keep us informed. If at all possible, it would be beneficial to maybe have your wife read this site. It sure did help me.

[JustAskJulie]

A lot of life is based on first impressions... she had a bad first impression of swinging.

[Coffeeblack]

Thanks everyone for your insight and advice. Communication is definitely the key that unlocks many doors. I will be talking with her and will keep you posted on the results.

[BlackSlip]

Hello - this question comes from the Mrs. of another black couple. Do you and your wife have a difficult time finding couples? Maybe that was your wife's problem. Sometime you think meeting others maybe easier than it is. The two couples she met - weren't exactly what she was looking for. Anyway, I agree TALK, TALK and TALK some more. We are in NY (LI) and are having NO Luck meeting others.

[Coffeeblack]

Hello, Blackslip. Yes, at the time we did initially have some trouble finding other couples that fit our taste. We don't care about color/race. We were very new to the world of swinging and looking back at everything, we should've just taken our time. Maybe, visited more clubs, did soft swap instead of full right out the gate...stuff like that. We never did anything with the first couple, except dinner and some drinks. My wife just wasn't really attracted to the male of that couple, although he was a great guy.The second couple we got together with was a younger couple and had just a little more experience then us,but they were very cool and nice to chat with. We got with them at the last minute.The whole experience wasn't a disater per say, just not what we/she had imagined. With information from this site I believe when/if we swing again we'll have more knowlegde and should avoid repeat events.

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by Coffeeblack

With information from this site I believe when/if we swing again we'll have more knowlegde and should avoid repeat events.

I'm afraid knowledge and advice cannot prevent ED in other men. It's like a dark secret that's not talked about much but ED is rampant in swinging environment.

You said you and the other gal "fucked and sucked like crazy" but what did your wife get out of the deal? What if the roles had been reversed and she and the other man were having wild monkey sex and you were just sitting on the sidelines with nothing to do because the other woman was just sitting there not doing anything with you? Would you have been a little disappointed and feeling left out and dismissed? Would you be excited to go out and have another experience like that again or would you rather stay home and watch the Olympics?

Women in the lifestyle have a very hard time finding other men they find even acceptable let alone attractive and an even harder time finding men that can actually perform, so unless they are completely bisexual and enjoy playing with women it can be very easy for women to because disillutioned and frustrated with swinging, especially if their husbands neglect their needs while they are "fucking and sucking like crazy" with other women.

I haven't seen any posts lately about the 80/20 rule but there is a rule in swinging that says you have to give your partner at least 80% of your attention while swinging so they don't feel left out or that you are just interested in screwing other people. In your case I would suggest bumping that up to 95/5 for awhile so she isn't feeling brushed off while you fuck and suck like crazy with other women.

I would also offer that you let her do all the searching for other couples and let her pick out the ones to contact and default to couples that she finds attraction.

I'll warn right up front that she will probably only find 0.001% of the couples out there attractive but if she isn't completely in the driver's seat at this time it is going to be game-over for you and swinging anyway. It would be better to let her pick out that one couple a year and enjoy it vs going down the path you are on now and have her throw in the towel completely or worse yet, have her start getting pissed at you and have it damage your relationship.

Hand over the keys to swinging to her and let her call all the shots and make it all about her and you may stand a chance. Trying to coax her along so you can play while she sits in a corner while someone she isn't attracted to in the first place fumbles with his limp dick and you are guarenteed to be out of the lifestyle forever.

[SW_PA_Couple]

Originally Posted by Newpants

It's like a dark secret that's not talked about much but ED is rampant in swinging environment.

Rampant is the swinging environment? I regret to read that the situaiton is so dire in Utah. Not that way were we live.

If I was sitting with Ms. Coffeeblack's right now, I would assure her that it is not so hard for women to find suitable man in this lifestyle. From what I read in this thread, Mr. and Ms. Coffeeblack have a fair prospect of eventually giving this another try and making that love connection. What happened is simply something that might be expected as part of an earnest effort to get started in the Lifestyle.

~Michael

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by SW_PA_Couple

Rampant is the swinging environment? I regret to read that the situaiton is so dire in Utah. Not that way were we live.

If I was sitting with Ms. Coffeeblack's right now, I would assure her that it is not so hard for women to find suitable man in this lifestyle. From what I read in this thread, Mr. and Ms. Coffeeblack have a fair prospect of eventually giving this another try and making that love connection. What happened is simply something that might be expected as part of an earnest effort to get started in the Lifestyle.

~Michael

I agree with much of what you have said and of course they can give it another shot and there are plenty of fish in the sea so she should be able to find someone suitable.

Perhaps I should have worded it that women have a much harder time finding playmates that they are attracted to AS COMPARED TO MEN. Men are much more accepting and inclusive than are women in the lifestyle, will you agree with me on that?

My main point is that she should be the one screening out potential contacts as opposed to Mr Coffeeblack and that he should be giving her the lion's share of his attentions and making sure that she isn't sitting in a corner unsatisfied.

As far as the ED issue, it IS an issue in the lifestyle regardless of geographics and if everyone woman threw in the towel on swinging once they encountered a playmate that couldn't get it up, the word 'swinging' would eventually be dropped from the dictionary

[Coffeeblack]

Originally Posted by Newpants

I'm afraid knowledge and advice cannot prevent ED in other men. It's like a dark secret that's not talked about much but ED is rampant in swinging environment.

You said you and the other gal "fucked and sucked like crazy" but what did your wife get out of the deal? What if the roles had been reversed and she and the other man were having wild monkey sex and you were just sitting on the sidelines with nothing to do because the other woman was just sitting there not doing anything with you? Would you have been a little disappointed and feeling left out and dismissed? Would you be excited to go out and have another experience like that again or would you rather stay home and watch the Olympics?

Women in the lifestyle have a very hard time finding other men they find even acceptable let alone attractive and an even harder time finding men that can actually perform, so unless they are completely bisexual and enjoy playing with women it can be very easy for women to because disillutioned and frustrated with swinging, especially if their husbands neglect their needs while they are "fucking and sucking like crazy" with other women.

I haven't seen any posts lately about the 80/20 rule but there is a rule in swinging that says you have to give your partner at least 80% of your attention while swinging so they don't feel left out or that you are just interested in screwing other people. In your case I would suggest bumping that up to 95/5 for awhile so she isn't feeling brushed off while you fuck and suck like crazy with other women.

I would also offer that you let her do all the searching for other couples and let her pick out the ones to contact and default to couples that she finds attraction.

I'll warn right up front that she will probably only find 0.001% of the couples out there attractive but if she isn't completely in the driver's seat at this time it is going to be game-over for you and swinging anyway. It would be better to let her pick out that one couple a year and enjoy it vs going down the path you are on now and have her throw in the towel completely or worse yet, have her start getting pissed at you and have it damage your relationship.

Hand over the keys to swinging to her and let her call all the shots and make it all about her and you may stand a chance. Trying to coax her along so you can play while she sits in a corner while someone she isn't attracted to in the first place fumbles with his limp dick and you are guarenteed to be out of the lifestyle forever.

Newpants, Thanks for your insight. If we ever get to do this again I will definitely do things differently. I really like the idea of letting her lead. Looking back over things, I wish we had discovered this forum before we ventured out. My wife brought up the idea of us trying this life, to my surprise and excitement. I really wanted it to be a great experience for us both,especially for her. Lately, because of gaining new insight and advice from this board, I see now how I could have made her/our first experience better... I was simple unprepared (knowlegde wise). We started out together, then went to the other couple, I didn't realize he was having trouble keeping it up until to late. I should have included her into my play with the other female more. You live and you learn...I know I truly have learn a valuable lesson.