Communication with possible playmates

[want2watch40]

My partner and I are not in the lifestyle yet but we have discussed it and it will probably happen.

I thought she was going to have something set up for us with the conversation we were having last night. Read all of this before assuming because I already had reservations when she told me some things about this male contact.

She tells me that a guy she hasn't talked to in years contacted her on facebook. He has been a friend of hers there for a while but until yesterday, never posted on anything of hers. She had made a comment, and like normal, I commented afterwards (It was obvious her and I were in a relationship and it states that on the profile). The conversation turns a little more toward them having something in the past. (2 red flags here already).

Well, while we are chatting (I live 1000 miles away for now), this guy starts talking to her through Facebook. We are open and honest about everything and she starts posting the conversation to me through Yahoo.

The conversation goes something like this: her: we never had sex, him: it's not too late

They talk back and forth for a little bit and he's talking about swinging with his girlfriend. Ms. Watch tells me that she had a crush on him in school (red flag). I want her to be happy but this isn't sitting right so far.

Here is where my question comes in and something that caused issues last night between me and the male friend: In order for me to feel comfortable with male playmates, I feel that I should talk to them and all communication for her should come through me and I see all communications. Once I feel the male is being open and honest (w/ some level of trust), I will allow them to communicate on their own with me still being privileged to the conversations if I want. I feel the same way about the female playmates. I think Ms. Watch should be the main contact until she feels comfortable.

Well, this male friend of hers refused every attempt (at least 3) to get him to talk to me. Ms. Watch explained to him our rules and he still ignored them. He then says his girlfriend was not interested but he could bring his ex (another red flag). I told her that I was not comfortable with him and it was not going to happen. He faild to gain any trust with me. She agreed but I feel bad because I think she really wanted to do this. I guess she is taking one for the team right out of the gate (LOL).

Just so you also know, I have been communicating with a male online and he has honored every rule/wish I had. I'm almost to the point of letting him talk to the Ms alone but he knows that I will see all conversations either during or after they take place (at least for the beginning).

How do others handle the contact with new possible playmates?? This may be different since she already knows him but I'm trying to get some insight on furture issues like this.

[DigginIt]

I know there are two sides to every story and usually the truth is somewhere right there in the middle but you seem to be keenly attune with everything here and your thoughts seem to be spot on!

All of the little red flags jump right out at me. This could be the way you are presenting them but I don't see any fallacy in your logic surrounding this person she has had a past with. There are several threads on this board about situations involving past acquaintances. I highly recommend reading them because there are a lot of pros and cons presented in sexual relations with a former b/f or g/f, etc.

As far as the male you have been talking with ... not such a good idea. In the case with Mrs. Diggs. It's about attraction to a small degree but mostly about a connection she develops with the person. Let her lead with your approval but I wouldn't go down that path, it leads to the dark side...

Good luck, I'm sure you will get great opinions from others on this also.

[want2watch40]

Well, just so you know about the male I've been talking to. They have been introduced and they do communicate but he initiates with me and I pass him over to her when we are both together. I give her the option to talk to him and if she doesn't want to at the time, she tells me and I tell him.

They are communicating and she has told me that he is possibly an option in the future. I'm letting them get acquainted and it's our decision together. I don't feel I can make an informed decision unless I know what has taken place between them and know that he's not going behind my back to get it from her.

At some point, when we are both comfortable, he will be able to talk to her directly without me initiating the conversation between them.

[DigginIt]

Originally Posted by want2watch40

At some point, when we are both comfortable, he will be able to talk to her directly without me initiating the conversation between them.

Thanks for the clarification on the male. I'll check back in after a few others have posted to see their opinions. I would stir clear of this other male at least until you two are much more comfortable with swinging in general.

This is a crucial time for the two of you to develop your trust and confidence in each other that gives you the ability to do things like this. Keep communicating and if you two feel more comfortable in the future THEN circle back around to this guy.

My thoughts. Good luck!

[want2watch40]

Originally Posted by DigginIt

Thanks for the clarification on the male. I'll check back in after a few others have posted to see their opinions. I would stir clear of this other male at least until you two are much more comfortable with swinging in general.

This is a crucial time for the two of you to develop your trust and confidence in each other that gives you the ability to do things like this. Keep communicating and if you two feel more comfortable in the future THEN circle back around to this guy.

My thoughts. Good luck!

That is our plan. We are taking it slow with no plans for anything to happen any time soon. We tell everyone up front in the initial conversations that we are not there yet but may be in the future.

[JustAskJulie]

I think in this case, expecting him to initiate all contact THROUGH you is asking a bit much. It makes sense when it's a guy whose only contact with you is through the lifestyle. In this case, you are dealing with an old friend/flame, they had contact already, and already established relationship. That said, asking him to talk to you in general (if he wants more to happen) is NOT asking too much. I have to agree things shouldn't happen with him, and I don't think that's taking one for the team. If he can't respect you as a COUPLE then he shouldn't get to play.

Another thought is perhaps he never had any intention of anything happening and was just doing online flirting.... thus coming up with reasons why it wouldn't happen or to make you guys make it not happen.

[larrynd]

Im new here but I will post my two cents.........My wife has phone and cyber boyfriends.....only two to date but with my permission. I get the benefits as she gets turned on with them and and satisfies herself with me. She makes it clear to them that it is only sex......not looking for personal commitment. I personally, I dont care where she works up her appitite................as long as she eats at home.

[want2watch40]

Thanks for the replys.

I understand they were friends before and I had no problem with him talking to her until it turned sex and he wanted to bring his girlfriend. Ms. told him he need to talk to me because of our rules. He refused and continued talking to her about what he wanted to do. She told him 2 more times he needed to talk to me and he refused.

He has attempted communication again today after I told him via email that I expect him to talk to me before talking to her again about this.

[The Fuse]

Isn't any of this turning your wife off? If the guy can't respect your rules, it seems like your wife might find less of a desire to play with him, because he obviously doesn't respect you. Talking about bringing his ex instead of his current girlfriend means he doesn't respect his girlfriend either. Does your wife really expect that he respects her?

[want2watch40]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

Isn't any of this turning your wife off? If the guy can't respect your rules, it seems like your wife might find less of a desire to play with him, because he obviously doesn't respect you. Talking about bringing his ex instead of his current girlfriend means he doesn't respect his girlfriend either. Does your wife really expect that he respects her?

Well, I think the issue has been resolved. This guy has even refused my own personal attempts at communication. Ms. Watch said she was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because he was a good guy many years ago. I can understand that but things just did not add up and I know guys and how they think (lol). She gave up communications with him and will forward me anything else he may attempt to send her.

Hopefully this is a closed case.

[slevin]

Are you and Ms Watch living together? You made a comment about living 1000miles away, but I wasn't clear on who you were that far away from. If it's you that lives apart from Ms Watch, does this other guy live in the same town as she does?

I think the chances are good that he was trying to get her to meet him 1:1 rather than anything else.

[want2watch40]

Originally Posted by slevin

Are you and Ms Watch living together? You made a comment about living 1000miles away, but I wasn't clear on who you were that far away from. If it's you that lives apart from Ms Watch, does this other guy live in the same town as she does?

I think the chances are good that he was trying to get her to meet him 1:1 rather than anything else.

We currently do not live together. Plans are to be together by June 30th. Good thing is this other guy lives 600 miles from her. (I know where he lives. lol)

[JustAskJulie]

Just for the record, I wasn't implying that it was ok for the sexual discussion to continue, just that it would be difficult to expect him to go through you in general when their connection was already established. I think it's perfectly acceptable that you should want to talk to him if he's talking about having sex with your wife.

[Just Passing By]

First off this particular individual should be avoided.
BUT, there's a lot more for you and Ms Watch to deal with. The "rules" about who is permited to speak with who at what point are kind of over the top. The two of you need to be more in tune and and more comfortable with each other and swinging.
Both people need to agree to anyone or anything, and either should have veto. But it shouldn't be an issue of who communicates first, as long as everyone communicates before any decisions.
From her own preference Mrs JPB would usually have handle initial contact, be it M, F, or Cpl . Once seeing that everyone was more or less on same page, she would frequently jump in with both feet.

[want2watch40]

Originally Posted by Just Passing By

First off this particular individual should be avoided.
BUT, there's a lot more for you and Ms Watch to deal with. The "rules" about who is permited to speak with who at what point are kind of over the top. The two of you need to be more in tune and and more comfortable with each other and swinging.
Both people need to agree to anyone or anything, and either should have veto. But it shouldn't be an issue of who communicates first, as long as everyone communicates before any decisions.
From her own preference Mrs JPB would usually have handle initial contact, be it M, F, or Cpl . Once seeing that everyone was more or less on same page, she would frequently jump in with both feet.

We don't have a "rule" for who makes the first contact. Either of us can make the contact and discuss playing together. However, the rule is that when it gets to that point, the other person is to become involved to see if there is a connection so we can have the option to enforce the veto.

The rules are real simple...............
1. One of us makes contact
2. If the discussion comes up about playing with each other, the playmate is informed that the Ms and I play together
3. If the playmate accepts this, then the playmate is informed that he/she needs to have some form of communication with the other partner

In the OP, these rules were followed. The male contact was an old friend of the Ms. I have no issues with her talking to him. Hell, I have no issues with her talking to strangers in the bar/club (since currently live so far apart, this happens every week). The issue came in when he started talking to her about sex and wanting to play with her. At that point she told me about the conversation. I told her to continue with him and if it looked serious then have him talk to me. I was all for the arrangements because the Ms. knew him. What happened was this guy friend refused communication with me several times. Based on that I VETO'd it.

What I was attempting to find out was if that was the best thing to do without giving her a chance at playing with an old friend she never played with before. I now realize it was the right decision and the Ms and I both agree it was. I didn't want her to think I was being controlling and cause her to miss an opportunity. I now know that is not the case.

As for communications coming through me to get to her. This is in reference mainly to our online contacts that neither of us know. The requirement here is that the communication is initiated by either party. If sexual discussions begin, the other partner is brought in to the loop. After the online discussion ends, the males are added to my contacts and the females are added to the Ms. contacts. I have found that guys are very persistent and will bug her to death to get in her pants (most of the time they tell her "your boyfriend doesn't need to know"). So this rule was put in place for a couple reasons: 1) to protect her from guys harrassing her all day, 2) To give her the opportunity to say "No, I don't feel like talking to him now" and prevent his persistence, 3) To eliminate those that aren't serious and just fantasizing.
Thanks again for the replies.