Wall-flowers in need of HELP!

[hppycpleus]

HELP! We've been to a few clubs both on-premise and off. We're not into the bar scene and are home bodies for the most part. We love this lifestyle and love to play with others. However, we're both "wall flowers". We stick to the sides or shy away from open doors unless someone specifically invites us in at which point we have fun with everyone and everyone has fun with us.

So my question is this. What advice can you give a couple of wall flowers so that we can pull up our roots and spread our wings? Any ice-breakers, past successes, or helpful hints would be GREATLY appreciated!!!

Thanks
Paul and Sarah

[Mr. Truelove]

This was covered a little in another thread recently.

Getting over shyness...

I think my answer stands the same as it did there. Just do it. It does get easier over time. It'll help a lot after you put yourself out there and get a warm welcome.

[Newpants]

One of the best pointers I have ever read about learning to transition from wall flower to social butterfly is an article right here on this site. Go up to 'Swinger Articles' and then to "The Art of Talking To People You Don't Know." It was originally geared towards single males but it perfectly applicable to anyone. It is short and easy to read and is right on the money and has really helped me a lot.

There are not any tricks or c'mons or sure-fire ice breaker lines. It is just a matter of getting out and meeting people and start talking to them. When you are at a club people want to meet and get acquainted with other people so it really doesn't matter what you say as long as you are reaching out and saying something to them (as long as it is nice and respectfull of course)

Look at it this way, if someone is interested in meeting you, you can say pretty much anything and they will at least engage you for a moment and hear what you have to say. You can talk about the weather for that matter and if they are interested in talking more they will talk more.

If someone is NOT interested in you, again it doesn't really matter what you say and you probably won't be able to change their mind or turn them around so again pick it any topic because it won't matter. If they aren't interested they will most likely quickly disengage or move away from you in which case simply move on to the next person/couple and start over.

Eventually someone will be interested and will have a conversation with you. The critical first step either way is to get away from the wall and make eye contact with someone and address them.

Snappy one-liners and c'mons are for players, hustlers, boars and skirt-chasers. Over time your most successfull ice breaker with nice, normal everyday folks will be, "hello, my name is Paul and this is my wife Sarah. How are you this evening?" From there you can talk about anything and either they will engage you or will disengage you. Either way, the critical piece is making the effort.

As you approach people you will automatically differenciate the people who might be interested in you from the people who are not. If you sit passively against the wall the world will pass you by and you will never know what opportunities there might have been.

[DigginIt]

Definitely get away from the walls. Pick a table more out in the area where you are not lurking in the corner. Until you can get comfortable with approaching others then do everything you can to make yourself approachable.

Eye contact is number one in my opinion. If you are interested in another couple, make good eye contact, they will either advert or engage

If you really want to play, you have to get in the game.

Practice makes perfect.

ummm, out of inspirational one liners.

Read the thread that Mr. Truelove mentioned and look for that article that Newpants is referencing. I completely agree on the simple introduction part and good luck !!

[Learning]

We are slowly getting over the shyness. We had the exact same problem so I posted it on the site and the advice was terrific. We still tend to hold back a little but it's getting better. We are increasing our circle of who we know which does help. I have been dancing a little more and picking a table more in the middle instead of the side. It also helps to go with friends feel free to drop us a line since you are in MI too.

[slevin]

Start saying hi and talking to random strangers in your every day life. At coffee shops, malls, bookstores, on the street. Smile at people, make eye contact and say hi. It helps to warm you up to actual conversations. Once you get used to saying hi, start initiating conversations with random people.

Doing this in normal situations will help get you comfortable so it's less scary when you are at the club.

Also, don't have any expectations when talking to someone. Broach the conversation as an opportunity to have an interesting discussion; if nothing comes of it then no big deal. No expectations.

[AskMeOk]

Although others have offered good advice, I'll take a slightly different tack.... Really large clubs tend to break up into social circles. I don't think anybody means to be distant, but I've seen couples be ignored even though they put themselves out into the middle of the social setting.

A smaller venue might make the other folks' good advice work even better....

[Learning]

I agree with the smaller venues. It's a great place to start. Huge hotel parties fir me have been challenging because people get into their circles.

[warrencouple]

Still being "new" to this swinging thing, I can commiserate with you. Both my wife and I are homebody / wall-flowers.

However, possibly the best advice I can give, is to simply look and be approachable. Yes, stay away from the wall, move towards the groups, even if you just sort of hang on the outskirts, it's a start.

My (sort of) recent story: we went to a local club, smaller venue (it's in a large'ish former house outside of Windsor) I had stepped out onto the back patio, getting out of the crowd for a bit (Halloween party) Another gentleman came out, and we basically said hi. From there, admittedly, he led the conversation, asking what I did, where I was from, etc. But, he also did something, that essentially turned on a faucet for me. On finding out what I do (PC tech / Network Admin / Geek,) asked my thoughts on Win7, and laptop shopping. Get me going on PC stuff, and it can be hard to shut me up...

The point being, if you start a conversation, or get involved in a conversation, inquiring about something that the other person(s) seem to have expressed an interest in will help keep the conversation rolling.

Same party, the wife got into a conversation with a new member, the female of the couple. I don't recall what about, but IIRC, they talked for a good while as well. I suspect, if either of those couples are there this weekend (we're finally going back,) we'd be able to more easily socialize with them.

Friends? No, not yet, could happen.
Playmates? Nope. But that is due to our not knowing if this is for us, or how far we want to go.

Just be approachable, and avoid single word, or short answers to questions.

Jason
Die-hard wallflower / social caterpillar

[DigginIt]

Originally Posted by AskMeOk

Although others have offered good advice, I'll take a slightly different tack.... Really large clubs tend to break up into social circles. I don't think anybody means to be distant, but I've seen couples be ignored even though they put themselves out into the middle of the social setting.

A smaller venue might make the other folks' good advice work even better....

Very good point.

These days, we find ourselves wanting to go to these events with another couple, not so much exclusively but where we don't feel so pressured and can enjoy ourselves.

[JustAskJulie]

I actually cover this in The Swinger Manual - and I promise it's worked for hubby. (super super short version) A year ago he was a wallflower now he's the social butterfly. It really takes flipping a switch and understanding that it's not about you. Take yourself outside of yourself and think about how much you want others to invite you in, to talk to you, to get you off the wall. Treat others the way you want to be treated is the gist of it. It's not about you, but rather about making others feel good. Find the others in the room who look like you feel then go talk to them.

[larrynd]

My you have gotten a great deal of advice and I know we have benefited from you inquiry a great deal. We too are novices and get sort of swept up into this once we inquire and "jump in" so to speak. We have felt some pressure from some but absolute politeness and respect from others. Take your time.............it will come.

[SoFlaCp]

In social settings, I am definitely the shy one, my wife is not. However, we are both new at this meeting others or "picking up" another couple. However, when we have gone to the local club - we have gone with the intent of simply having fun with each other and being totally open. We dance, we introduce ourselves, basically we just try to have fun with each other and treat others as potential friends - not playmates.

If I think about them as playmates at first, I freeze up / get too nervous. But, 5-10 minutes into a conversation both couples visibly relax and just have fun. Usually at this point..."Houston, we have lift off!"

If the couple isn't our cup of tea, we thank them for a nice conversation and go dancing.

I'm still very nervous with the whole "meet-and-greet" or "lock-n-key" thing, but we both try. What helps me is my wife and I do this together...sort of shared conversations until the ice is broken...and the worse that can happen is spend more time with my wife which in my book is the BEST that can happen. Think of it like that - make it fun, not work - and attack your anxiety by simply being brave and it will get easier. Good luck!

[NCfuncouple98]

We were wallflowers forever it seemed! We really had to force ourselves to get away from the wall, and start mingling. Sometimes we get turned away, sometimes we sit with people only to find there's no attraction, but none of that matters. We're moving about.

It is hard at first, but at some point you just have to take that step. Think of it this way - you're paying all that money to go sit at a bar. Couldn't you do that at any bar without the steep cover charge? That was a motivator for us. We were not content paying the club fees just to people watch.

[JandCMI]

We had always been wallflowers to the point that we usually just avoided the clubs altogether. I can offer you the two things we did that have helped us the most.

First, go to clubs with someone you know. That will make ALL the difference in the world for you. Having someone you know with you will make you not only more comfortable and less tense, but also help you meet others that they may know.

Second, get some (but not too many) drinks in you. This helps my wife (who is naturally the more outgoing of the two of us) get out and dance. She used to never dance, now she practically grabs random women and pulls them to the dance floor. That's a great way to meet people!

Getting more social in club situations isn't easy and doesn't happen overnight. If we can do it, though, anyone in the world can do it.