Should my SO be seen as a single since I don't play?

[little firefly]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

My take on the profile is this: we look at profiles to find potential playmates. Since NDN is playing and you're not, I feel that puts him in the category of "single" for play purposes. So, he should have a single male profile. He can clarify within the profile that he has a non-playing SO who will give permission and be present.

This is, of course, my biased view as someone who looks at couples profiles to find couples who play. Your situation doesn't fit into an easy category, so some people will find that beyond their ability to deal with. But for swinging purposes, my opinion is that NDN is more like a single than part of a couple. Either way, you have to explain yourselves, but I think the single category is more descriptive in the context of swinging. I mean no disrespect to your actual, real-life status as a couple.

I take no offense at all to what you said, that's why I had asked for opinions. What you say really makes sense. My only purpose is to make sure he gets the most fun out of the lifestyle that he can. He had enjoyed it so much in the past before I came along and I want him to continue to be able to have a good time. I just needed to know the best way to go about putting him out there as a potential playmate. Thank you very much!

[interested-05]

Simply put, its their way of pressuring you into playing. They want to f**k you too, and are pissed off that you won't join in. Its their problem not yours.

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by little firefly

My only purpose is to make sure he gets the most fun out of the lifestyle that he can. He had enjoyed it so much in the past before I came along and I want him to continue to be able to have a good time. I just needed to know the best way to go about putting him out there as a potential playmate. Thank you very much!

So far you haven't mentioned what your SO's thoughts and wishes are in this. Is he perfectly OK and satisfied with your situation or is he experiencing dissatisfaction and frustration in this? Also, are you truly comfortable and having a good time in the lifestyle or are you just going along to appease him? I'm not you, but personally I would really feel like a 3rd wheel or a lead weight if I was going to clubs and just sitting on the sidelines. Are you actually comfortable with this or is it causing you distress and discomfort?

I'll be blunt here but it's not meant to be malicious, Yes, you are holding your SO back and yes he will be able to have sex with more people as a single guy without you in the picture. By the same token he is holding you back and you will be able to have sex with more people if he wasn't in the picture. When people enter into a relationship/marriage their opportunities for sex with other people decrease. In the rest of the world that is accepted and assumed. In the swinging community people sometimes struggle with that concept.

What swinging attempts to do is balance the concepts of having sex with a variety of people while still being in a bonded relationship. You two are not in balance and IMHO their are a lot more issues here than if someone should have a single profile or not.

From what I see you are not swinging, you are just tagging along while your SO trys to score and I don't see what it is you are getting out of it or how it is benifitting you, your SO or your relationship.

If your SO is wanting to have sex with as many other people as he can then it IS in his best interests to have a single male profile. If he wants to maximize his sexual opportunities with lots and lots of people then it is in his best interests to not be in a relationship with you at all. If deep down you are wanting to have a traditional, monogamous relationship then it is in your best interests to not be going to swinger clubs and not be in a relationship with someone who wants to be a swinger. Your best interests would be served by being in a relationship with someone who also desires to be in a monogamous, traditional relationship.

I think if you were both OK with this we wouldn't even be having this conversation. There are lots of people that have both a singles profile and a couples profile and it works for them. I think there may be some relationship issues here that need to be addressed more than whether he should have a single profile or not.

I'm not saying that you two are not right for each other or that you should split up over this. I am saying that you have some very deep, fundamental core issues that you two need to sit down and discuss very thoroughly. You both need to do some soul-searching and be very honest with yourself as well as with each other as to what kind of relationship you want to have and if swinging is going to play any role in that or not, and if so how you will work it out so that it is comfortable and workable for each of you.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Newpants

From what I see you are not swinging, you are just tagging along while your SO trys to score and I don't see what it is you are getting out of it or how it is benifitting you, your SO or your relationship.

This is a great point, and if members haven't been following along with little firefly's previous threads/posts they may not be aware of her general nature and how it plays a role in what she's getting out of this:

Originally Posted by little firefly

...In all my relationships i've always been submissive to my partner. I always put their wants above my own even if it causes me discomfort. I know that's my own hangup but i've never known any other way to be.

Originally Posted by little firefly

...Please everyone try to understand, not being a swinger myself, giving him the ok to play with anyone else is a big deal for me and one that I don't think many other monogamous women (or men) would be willing to do.

Originally Posted by little firefly

We're from two different worlds and as hard as I'm trying and as much as I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I don't know if those worlds can be merged successfully...

You are 39 years old, were married 15 years, divorced for 5 years, before you met NDN. You and NDN are into BDSM and you've said somewhere (I can't find the quote now) that you've allowed things done to you during BDSM play that many people never would allow (or some similar statement), what I'm pointing out is that you are submissive by nature and want to please. I think you want to please to the extreme, to the point where you would prefer to lose yourself than lose NDN.

I'm not personally familiar with the dynamics of couples like you and NDN. I am deriving my opinions of you from what you have written. Since I could never be so passive as you seem to be, it is hard for me to imagine being in your mindset.

As Newpants pointed out, there is more at the core of your situation than the issue of NDN swinging and your decision to remain monogomous. You don't want to swing, yet you want to keep NDN happy while keeping him on a leash that you hold (you need to okay his playmates), so in a way you are controlling this whole game. That's the twist that boggles me, yet, it may explain what you're getting out of all of this.

LM

[little firefly]

So far you haven't mentioned what your SO's thoughts and wishes are in this. Is he perfectly OK and satisfied with your situation or is he experiencing dissatisfaction and frustration in this? Also, are you truly comfortable and having a good time in the lifestyle or are you just going along to appease him? I'm not you, but personally I would really feel like a 3rd wheel or a lead weight if I was going to clubs and just sitting on the sidelines. Are you actually comfortable with this or is it causing you distress and discomfort?

As far as him being ok and satisfied with it he's told me several times that yes, sometimes he does wish that I was in the LS so that could see me having fun as well but that he understands that I'm not and only wants to know that I'm ok with him playing. At first I was extremely uncomfortable with it but over time it's become easier for me and I have a good time talking and joking with our friends while he plays.

From what I see you are not swinging, you are just tagging along while your SO trys to score and I don't see what it is you are getting out of it or how it is benifitting you, your SO or your relationship.

The only benefit I get out of it is that I'm allowing him to have fun doing something that he's enjoyed for many years. I think it's important to not try to change who your mate is when you get into a relationship. I knew he was a swinger when I fell in love with him just as he knew I wasn't. It's good for me in a way to push my comfort boundaries to let him be who he is......Practicing what I preach I guess you could say.

I'm not saying that you two are not right for each other or that you should split up over this. I am saying that you have some very deep, fundamental core issues that you two need to sit down and discuss very thoroughly. You both need to do some soul-searching and be very honest with yourself as well as with each other as to what kind of relationship you want to have and if swinging is going to play any role in that or not, and if so how you will work it out so that it is comfortable and workable for each of you.

I know that if I asked him to that he would give up swinging. We've been talking a lot about things and working on making things workable to where I'm comfortable. The one thing that we do agree upon 100% at this point is that we are each others best lovers and very best friends. Neither of us can even imagine a life without the other.

Thank you for your honesty and bluntness. I always appreciate it

[little firefly]

You don't want to swing, yet you want to keep NDN happy while keeping him on a leash that you hold (you need to okay his playmates), so in a way you are controlling this whole game. That's the twist that boggles me, yet, it may explain what you're getting out of all of this.

I really don't see it as having him on a leash. I don't view it as being any different than full swap couples where they have a same room only rule. I basically have that same rule, I'm just choosing not to participate. It's a a way for me to be comfortable. I don't have to be somewhere else while he plays letting my mind wonder what is exactly is going on. I'm right there so I know for sure....The reality of things is usually not as bad as the imagination.

[fun4Ds]

Your voyeuristic he's an exhibitionist..... Seems like good balance to us

The thing is, do you become that couple who pushes their spouse on people ? We have had that vibe.... Not implying you by any means, but we have had it happen.

Your making me think perhaps it was unintentional by them...

Do you think you give that vibe un-intentionally ? I think it would be easy on your part finding that balance you have, but what about keeping the balance, especially in a local social environment....

Just food for thought

fun4ds

[little firefly]

The thing is, do you become that couple who pushes their spouse on people ? We have had that vibe.... Not implying you by any means, but we have had it happen.

Oh gracious no. When we talk to new couples they know right away what our situation is. If they then seem interested in a MFM with him then we take it from there, if not then we've had a nice conversation and hopefully made new friends. We don't ever go to the club with any kind of expectation of him playing. If he gets lucky enough to then great, but if not then we have a fun time playing together......Mostly for us, going to the club is a way for us to have a night out together and hang out with friends. If he gets to play then it's considered an extra bonus for him but I would never even consider pushing him on anyone to make that happen....That's nothing but tasteless and low class in my opinion.

[JustAskJulie]

If you are not going to play at all, then you profile should not list you as a couple, it should be a profile for a single male who states clearly in his profile that he is part of a couple but that she does not play but he has permission to do so (and she may be present at time of play even though she does not play).

As far as you going to the club with him, I don't see an issue in that but I can see where couples who see you there as a couple would get annoyed when they discover that you do not play. However, at the same time, your situation isn't much different than the number of couples who are only at the clubs looking to find another female to play with the female half while the guys watch (or worse, another female to play while HER guy stands on the side and watches a threesome that he's not invited to). If your roles were reversed everyone would love you, you'd be the belle of the ball.

[CXXC]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

As far as you going to the club with him, I don't see an issue in that but I can see where couples who see you there as a couple would get annoyed when they discover that you do not play. However, at the same time, your situation isn't much different than the number of couples who are only at the clubs looking to find another female to play with the female half while the guys watch (or worse, another female to play while HER guy stands on the side and watches a threesome that he's not invited to). If your roles were reversed everyone would love you, you'd be the belle of the ball.

Julie, you beat me to it! Perhaps this is why you could write a book!

If she were the active one and he were not, this would hardly be an issue! If he just wanted to be in the room while another couple had fun with her, I dont think a single person would say Boo!

I dont think anyone would demand or request that she place a SF profile even if he was present at every event or activity!

Would anyone even be quetioning what he got out of it? Would his motives be under the microscope? I dont think so. I think many people would look at her as a treasured find and go from there. They would finish by shaking his hand and thanking them both for a wonderful time!

I guess you could say the lifestyle is sexist! how odd!

[Additude]

In this situation be true and honest to yourself and others about what you do. Do what makes it work for you and NDN.

If other people who you are not associated with make issue with it, then so be it. Be glad for them that they were able to get their opinion off of their chest. Ignorance is bliss. Maybe they will have a better day on account of it.

But still do what is the best and what is right for you. You haven't done anything wrong.

[AskMeOk]

"Should my SO be seen as a single since I don't play?"

You're joking, right? If you don't have any intention of playing, HE *IS* A SINGLE!

While not intended on your part, this is clearly a "bait and switch," if you haven't made this PERFECTLY clear in your profile and *in person*... and I don't know of a good way to make this clear in a forthright, but tactful manner, if you are standing there as a couple.

Many clubs require *couples only* to make a reasonable effort to allow *everybody* to take part in play, without some or all of the women feeling like pin cushions. You are making this confusing to others.

Nobody should pressure you into playing, if you aren't interested. You aren't depriving him of anything. I don't make apologies for the woman that took you to task for that. She was just plain wrong. However, I can understand her frustration with a COUPLE of people showing up that aren't a couple of SWINGERS. That is just a reasonable assumption and it is up to you folks to make people aware that you march to the sound of your own drummer.

If you've met the letter of the law and gained entrance as a couple, but he is the only one playing, the "couples only" folks will soon deem him off limits.

Yeah, I know. My opinion.... YMMV.

[little firefly]

Originally Posted by CXXC

Julie, you beat me to it! Perhaps this is why you could write a book!

If she were the active one and he were not, this would hardly be an issue! If he just wanted to be in the room while another couple had fun with her, I dont think a single person would say Boo!

I dont think anyone would demand or request that she place a SF profile even if he was present at every event or activity!

Would anyone even be quetioning what he got out of it? Would his motives be under the microscope? I dont think so. I think many people would look at her as a treasured find and go from there. They would finish by shaking his hand and thanking them both for a wonderful time!

I guess you could say the lifestyle is sexist! how odd!

Thank you!!! You don't know how much I appreciate you saying that!

[little firefly]

Originally Posted by AskMeOk

"Should my SO be seen as a single since I don't play?"

You're joking, right? If you don't have any intention of playing, HE *IS* A SINGLE!

While not intended on your part, this is clearly a "bait and switch," if you haven't made this PERFECTLY clear in your profile and *in person*... and I don't know of a good way to make this clear in a forthright, but tactful manner, if you are standing there as a couple.

Many clubs require *couples only* to make a reasonable effort to allow *everybody* to take part in play, without some or all of the women feeling like pin cushions. You are making this confusing to others.

Nobody should pressure you into playing, if you aren't interested. You aren't depriving him of anything. I don't make apologies for the woman that took you to task for that. She was just plain wrong. However, I can understand her frustration with a COUPLE of people showing up that aren't a couple of SWINGERS. That is just a reasonable assumption and it is up to you folks to make people aware that you march to the sound of your own drummer.

If you've met the letter of the law and gained entrance as a couple, but he is the only one playing, the "couples only" folks will soon deem him off limits.

Yeah, I know. My opinion.... YMMV.

It's made 100% crystal clear a couple of times in our profile (including the headline) that I don't play in any way whatsoever and whenever we meet and talk to new couples at the club it's stated up front that he plays but I don't. If they then choose to ask him to participate in a MFM with them then great! But if not thats ok, they can move on to another couple. We're not a "bait and switch" couple by any means. I don't ever give ANY kind of indication that I want to play. If that's confusing to anyone then it's their hangup not mine.....Heck, even if I WAS a swinger it doesn't mean it's a free for all...No still means no whether I'm a swinger or not and being very particular about who touches me then the no's would outweigh the yes's every time!.....As CXXC and Julie stated earlier, If the roles were reversed and I played but he didn't, then no one would even have an issue with it. We go to the club as a couple because we ARE a couple. I just choose to let him do the playing with others while I enjoy being voyeuristic about it. And as far as the "couples only" folks seeing him as off limits....I guess it's a good thing that there are couples who do enjoy playing with single guys...Maybe few and far between, but they're out there.

[AskMeOk]

Originally Posted by CXXC

Julie, you beat me to it! Perhaps this is why you could write a book!

If she were the active one and he were not, this would hardly be an issue!

<snips>

I guess you could say the lifestyle is sexist! how odd!

There is no question about it... it IS sexist and will FOREVER remain sexist, until you have as many single women beating down the door to get in, as you do single men.

There is a reason single men are called legion and single women are called "unicorns."