My first experience with jealousy.

[Mr. Truelove]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all the input.

I do have to say though, it does leave me really frustrated. One of the posters IMed me saying that they would have felt angry/frustrated and believe me I was there.

I had been having a nightmare of a time the past 2 year connecting with any women at all. They all seem interested in Mrs. Truelove just fine, but not me so much. And then when we do find someone that I connect with, well, jealousy happened. And at first she said she didn't want any contact with them at all.

It left me very upset and frustrated. I didn't take any of this out on Mrs. Truelove, luckily I actually had a good friend in the lifestyle I leaned on, and vented to. Because even though Mrs. Truelove was putting me in this situation, I really did want to understand why, and help her through it. And I did want to learn what I could have done differently as well. I did not want to be angry at her.

I'm still somewhat frustrated now. It was a lot of looking and when I found what I thought was the perfect match, I guess they were too perfect. And now I ask myself if I am even interested in continuing in the lifestyle. Because I honestly don't want to even try to be with anyone that I don't connect with. And if I do connect I worry about jealousy.

But for now we are agreeing on a break from everything and seeing where it goes.

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by Mrs. Truelove

I have truly realized what I did was wrong and I should have spoken up earlier. For that I am really upset with myself. I really think the other couple is great, and there wasn't anything wrong with what they did or didn't do.

I just don't know how to overcome this.

Mrs. Truelove

Ok, I recommend taking a step back here; affixing blame isn't the way forward. Your husband shouldn't be blaming you, and you shouldn't blame your husband. Likewise, neither of you should be blaming yourself. The blame game doesn't help. Give up on it. It's not the way forward.

Stop being upset with yourself. Instead, think of it this way; both of you are together, and both of you together found a situation in which the best situation was not had by all. It's not a you or he problem. It's a 'we' problem, the we being the both of you TOGETHER. You're no less together now than you were from before that weekend. In fact, you're probably more together.

If you hit a pot hole in the road, does your husband say "What the hell did you do that for?" or "wow that was a big pot hole"? I'm going to guess the latter. Bad spouses, or relationships having trouble, would say the former. The two of you hit a pot hole in the road. Respond in the latter, not the former. Work together on this because you are together, and there is no blame to parcel out. There is something for you both to work on together.

Try to figure out what triggered the jealousy. That's maybe too analytical, but it might be a good place to start. If you do find it, and it's something you can avoid in the future, you can try playing again (maybe a different couple) and see what happens. Make sure that both of you are, like I recommended in my first post, empowered to say no at any time, for any reason, and not have negative consequences for saying no.

Originally Posted by Mr. Truelove

I do have to say though, it does leave me really frustrated. One of the posters IMed me saying that they would have felt angry/frustrated and believe me I was there.

I get frustrated in swinging sometimes too. Different reasons, but sometimes it happens. For me, it's when my expectations get too high and I think all sorts of things are going to happen on an evening and nothing does. I recognize it now, and realize I'm just being silly. Your situation is different of course, but this is the first time you've run into this; over time, your reaction may seem silly to you too. I don't know.

Originally Posted by Mr. Truelove

I had been having a nightmare of a time the past 2 year connecting with any women at all. They all seem interested in Mrs. Truelove just fine, but not me so much. And then when we do find someone that I connect with, well, jealousy happened.

That isn't your fault or her fault. Don't affix blame here. I can understand being frustrated; I would be too! But, there's no blame to assign here.

Originally Posted by Mr. Truelove

It left me very upset and frustrated. I didn't take any of this out on Mrs. Truelove,

Good because you'd be a cad if you did! Your emotions of frustration are every bit as valid as her emotions of jealous. Both deserve respect.

Originally Posted by Mr. Truelove

Because even though Mrs. Truelove was putting me in this situation, I really did want to understand why, and help her through it. And I did want to learn what I could have done differently as well. I did not want to be angry at her.

Back up. You BOTH put yourself in this situation, and it isn't HER that needs help through it, but the BOTH of you need help through it. It's a 'we' thing. Don't think of it separately, as that is a recipe for division. Together. Together. Together.

Originally Posted by Mr. Truelove

I'm still somewhat frustrated now. It was a lot of looking and when I found what I thought was the perfect match, I guess they were too perfect.

No, they're not 'too perfect'. I don't think you should drop contact with them. They're not toxic to either of you. I think you should work on this together, taking a breather for the moment, and figure things out together before moving forward again.

Originally Posted by Mr. Truelove

And now I ask myself if I am even interested in continuing in the lifestyle. Because I honestly don't want to even try to be with anyone that I don't connect with. And if I do connect I worry about jealousy.

I don't think you connecting with someone isn't the source of the jealousy. That's a guess, but I'll lay odds I'm right.

Originally Posted by Mr. Truelove

But for now we are agreeing on a break from everything and seeing where it goes.

That's a good idea.

[SuperJast]

Mr.Truelove, You seem to be a really great husband.

Mrs.Truelove, there is nothing wrong with experiencing jealousy. We ALL do. You obviously had the best of intentions, regardless if the outcome was ideal. I would hope from this point, you only see yourself as the catalyst for the GROWTH in your relationship.

While this is predominantly a swingers board, I think you would benefit from a lot of what the polyamorous community has to say about Jealousy. I am including some links, that should be very thought provoking for you.

Jealousy and the Abyss

Polyamory: Dealing with Jealousy


Polyamory: How to Be a Secure Person



While Swingers like to seperate themselves from the Poly lifestyle, we can all learn from each other. The poly sites tend to have some very good reading about Jealousy, and how to understand, and work with it.

And at the end of the day, a Mya Angelo quote is always good to remember; " You did the best you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better."


You two will only grow from this, is you keep the doors open, and communicate. Jealousy derives itself from fear. Don`t let fear own you.


Best to both of you, you seem like a very smart, happy couple

[Mr. Truelove]

bbarnsworth. If I sound like I am placing blame, it's because I'm venting a little frustration. I've actually been trying to rationally think about why she was having these jealous thoughts, and trying to figure out why they were there.

Mainly it seems to be two things. She is insecure of her self image. I'm working with her to build that up, because she really is a smart, funny, caring, nice, great looking person. She really did specifically use the words that she felt that the playmate was a better match for me than Mrs. Truelove is.

And then it was the late night chatting. Which only fed into the thought that I preferred to spend time with the playmate rather than her.

The other points all just seemed to magnify those.

I've tried to tell her how much I love her, and how she is all those things I mentioned above, but she was raised in an environment that didn't do much to build her self esteem.

I really like the links that superjast posted. They deal specifically with the insecurity issues and how to get over them.

Thank you all for your replies, they are all very helpful.

[DigginIt]

Originally Posted by Mr. Truelove

And then it was the late night chatting. Which only fed into the thought that I preferred to spend time with the playmate rather than her.

If this would have been us with them living so far away and staying for the weekend with no idea of when they will be back; I would have been invading their space the entire weekend. I think it's only natural that you would want to get as much fun time in as you can with a new couple.

Having said that; Mrs. Diggs and I are planning on playing with a new couple this weekend that we are very excited about. It's so easy to get caught up in talking about how exciting it's going to be that it can seem like it's the only thing we are talking about.

If our attraction to both of them had been more one sided by either of us, this situation could have easy taken a spin like yours did because it's all we have been talking about. All of the "can't wait" talk.

How does the saying go "hind site is 20/20"

This has been a great lesson to me to always reassure my wife and not to assume she knows how I feel. This was a great post.

[realcplub2]

Originally Posted by Mrs. Truelove

I have truly realized what I did was wrong and I should have spoken up earlier. For that I am really upset with myself. I really think the other couple is great, and there wasn't anything wrong with what they did or didn't do.

I just don't know how to overcome this.

Mrs. Truelove

First off, Stop beating yourself up. It wont help in any way, so stop.

After reading the replies that have come in since you wrote this, you and Mr Truelove need a new sheet of paper and start from scratch on it.. His comment that the women of the past 2 years are very into Mrs truelove but him not so much, is a very big thing to talk out..

Mr truelove, can you say that when you began talking with this new couple you did the same as you have down in the past or did you change something? Like the mental attitude or mindset when they wrote or vise versa? Sometime we are our own worst enemies, and can be suave as hell on the keys, but stumble big time in real life.. I am sure we can all relate to that one..

Let me ask both one question, were the prior meetings in a shorter time frame? meaning instead of having two months of chatting and writing.. talking on the phone.. were they write chat talk and meet in what seems like no time at all?

Taking the time may have been what was the difference in how things happend and was also the major cause of the greenie to kick the door and come in.. Mr true, you were talking to them, and i suspect that Mrs true felt left out on more than one occasion.. I even imagine the thought went thru her head.. Well, fine, just go talk to THEM.. or something along those lines.. went thru her mind..

As far as where this goes.. Mrs, you are the only one that can answer, can you put those feelings away, and start over? If not, its best to say, Nope honestly, and start a new search with both of you as active participants

Best of luck..

[The Fuse]

First of all, I just want to say the Trueloves seem like a strong couple who really care for each other and who each put the other first. Best of luck while you work through this, which you surely will, and come out even stronger on the other side. And I'm sure Jane and John are great people.

Mr. Truelove's original post asked for similar stories and thoughts, so here are mine. I hope it helps.

I have had feelings before that could arguably be called jealousy. I've spent a little time trying to figure out what the important things were that caused those feelings. I've come up with two things.

A little background: Mr. Fuse and I had a poly relationship a few years ago. The relationship imploded into a teeny but intense world of hurt for me and Mr. Fuse. One time after everything had ended but the emotional phone calls, I came downstairs to find Mr. Fuse on the phone with the other lady. Nothing unusual about that. However, I wasn't feeling well at the time and was feeling a strong need for some TLC. I didn't want to interrupt him, since he was obviously absorbed in conversation, and upset by it. On the other hand, he knew I wasn't feeling well but proceded by all outward signs to ignore me instead of giving me at least a glance to see if there was anything important going on. This went on for what seemed to me like a long time. Even after he got off the phone, he just sat there glowering and all self-absorbed. I got pretty annoyed and let him know I was feeling ignored, and further, like when he was talking to her or thinking about her, that it felt like he couldn't have cared less that I was there. That was the key thing. I think I should be more important than another lady, in all but a very few situations, and I wished he would have been more aware.

A few similar things have happened. He gets tunnel vision and loses track of his connection with me enough to neglect my needs. That makes me angry in little flashes of temper. When it's in favor of another woman, I suppose you could call it jealousy.

The other time was during and after a one-time full swap session with a sweet couple we met. Mr. Fuse and the lady had such an amazing connection that it threw me a little bit. I think this situation had some things in common with what happened between Mr. Truelove and Jane. I had always been bummed that Mr. Fuse seemed to have problems making connections, but it's just not a natural talent for him. Well, this one just came on like a wave. I was happy for him, but at the same time I was just a little wary. Similar thoughts went through my mind to the ones Mr. Truelove wrote that Mrs. Truelove had. Perhaps this woman is just organically a better match for my husband than I am. Perhaps she would have made him happier. Perhaps if we keep seeing them, he will quietly think the same thing. And that would be hard to take. A part of my identity, and what is dear to me, was being put into doubt. I never thought he would leave me for her or anything like that... just that there would be that little bit of regret. And of course she is very very beautiful and has some attributes I don't have that he really enjoys on other women.

This couple ended up deciding swinging was not for them, so continuing to see them was never a question. Unfortunately, the way Mr. Fuse took that news just reinforced my insecurities. He was much more depressed over it than one would normally be about a couple we'd only had two dates and one full swap with. His attachment to her just seemed so strong... I was taken aback and a little afraid. In my head I knew there was no real threat, since they are happily married and so are we. But... the bond they could have formed is sort of one of those "what-ifs", those unknown threats.

Mr. Truelove, for what it's worth, that's what I have to share. You seem like you perhaps lost track of Mrs. Truelove while you were on a cloud. Perhaps you could have been more aware. Perhaps she could have spoken up sooner. Sounds to me like you'll both learn from this. You each have the other's interests at heart probably more than your own. That's a testament to your life together and very much fits with your names on this Board. Best to you.

[Mr. Truelove]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

A little background: Mr. Fuse and I had a poly relationship a few years ago. The relationship imploded into a teeny but intense world of hurt for me and Mr. Fuse. One time after everything had ended but the emotional phone calls, I came downstairs to find Mr. Fuse on the phone with the other lady. Nothing unusual about that. However, I wasn't feeling well at the time and was feeling a strong need for some TLC. I didn't want to interrupt him, since he was obviously absorbed in conversation, and upset by it. On the other hand, he knew I wasn't feeling well but proceded by all outward signs to ignore me instead of giving me at least a glance to see if there was anything important going on. This went on for what seemed to me like a long time. Even after he got off the phone, he just sat there glowering and all self-absorbed. I got pretty annoyed and let him know I was feeling ignored, and further, like when he was talking to her or thinking about her, that it felt like he couldn't have cared less that I was there. That was the key thing. I think I should be more important than another lady, in all but a very few situations, and I wished he would have been more aware.

Right there is exactly what was happening before we even met. But it happened a dozen times. I was so self absorbed that I didn't see it. Of course from my point of view I didn't understand (at the time). How she could be jealous over phone calls or chatting. After all we were communicating after wards about the chats or she was even reading them. Well, I realize now, it was never about what was said to Jane, it was never how I felt about Jane. It was how Mrs. Truelove felt being cut out of my time. And what she was trying to tell me but felt she couldn't.

We certainly are working on our communication at this point.

Thank you for the very thoughtful and considerate post fuse.

[JustAskJulie]

I think you've pretty well discussed this and probably figured out just about everything anyone here could think of regarding the situation. There was just one little thing that stood out to me.

You said that she got off orally, which never happens. Could she be feeling some guilt on her end for this which helped amplify the situation?

[Mr. Truelove]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

I think you've pretty well discussed this and probably figured out just about everything anyone here could think of regarding the situation. There was just one little thing that stood out to me.

You said that she got off orally, which never happens. Could she be feeling some guilt on her end for this which helped amplify the situation?

To clarify though, I just meant the multi-orgasmic part of the oral sex. In fact, she has only been multi-orgasmic less than 5 times I believe. So for her to do that was a big deal I thought.

You are actually the third person that has brought that to our attention. And while it's hard to think something noticed by so many people isn't there, it just doesn't seem to be. Mrs. Truelove states that she didn't feel any guilt at all. If anything I think she wanted even more attention from me and the other female.

[WonderWhat]

Mt. Truelove, I can only add that I think there is no blame to be had here.

Everybody involved tried to handle things as best they could. If there were problems, chalk them up to inexperience.

We've had our episodes of jealousy, and they have usually been cleared up by communication first, backing off for a while second, and third, closing by talking about what we learned and what we would do again and what we wouldn't do. If it is something we wanted to do again, we try it in baby steps.

I think that the only big miscalculation was making it a long weekend affair. In these situations, it's difficult to take that time out and digest together what's happened. If things are being held back until the end, the longer time makes things fester and accumulate.

I think that you're doing well, you're both talking things over and you're learning. Most of all, you've both got a great attitude regarding learning from the experience.

Just keep in mind that, for an event that lasted for more than one evening, and which had many different emotionally charged issues, you're going to be coming back to it for some time and discovering new aspects of yourselves, your relationship, your likes and dislikes. This is a good thing; I'm just pointing out that you can't expect to talk it over once and close the case, and that there will be things that you won't be aware of until more time passes.



[ BTW, I'm back on the board, everyone! Haven't lurked or posted here in a while. I'm reasonably sure I will continue to do so. ]

[snapps]

Thanks for posting this! Was a very good read, and furthermore its a learning lesson. Im glad you all were able to work things out, once again showing how much Communication & Trust in a relationship can overcome anything!! Good luck!

[Mr. Truelove]

Well, still trying to work things out. But yeah, heading in the right direction.