How to handle different interest levels and approaches...

[freshcream]

First of all, I just wanted to say thank you to Swingers Board. We joined a couple of years ago and received some great advice and answers to our many questions. Thanks to the help we received, we were able to venture out into the scene and finally get the ball rolling in our quest to meet other couples. We tried many different avenues until we found a website that really fit what we needed and a swingers club with a young, friendly crowd. Since November, we finally had our swinger "cherries" popped, have had three encounters and are really coming into our own in the Denver scene. Without the help of the members of Swingers Board, we would not be where we are now, so you all have our gratitude!

Ok, now, on to the questions at hand. We've experienced a few situations that left us wondering what protocol to use next time. I'm sure this is pretty basic stuff to many of you, but any help would be appreciated.

1.) What do you do in a situation where the male half of a couple is agressively interested (ie: kissing & making out w/ your Mrs., bluntly expressing interest in having sex, etc.), but the female half isn't interested in your Mr.?

2.) In general, what do you do if your Mrs. feels the male half of another couple you've just met is too agressive? How do you politely turn down further advances once you realize it's going to far, or should you even bother being polite?

3.) This one is very specific: I (Ms.) met the absolute hottest guy (other than my Mr.) at the swingers club last night. He's single and one of the bartenders there. While I've not been interested in another MMF since my first one went poorly years ago, this guy has changed that. He is definetly interested in helping me fulfill and repair my broken fantasy and enthusiastically agreed to my rules (it's about me, and treat me w/ respect). He gave me his number. My Mr. is excited to give me this opportunity, too. My problem is (and please, don't laugh) - when should I call him? Should we hang out with him first or just make it a sexy ONS? I'm just a little nervous, so please forgive how childish this question sounds!

4.) We've noticed that men generally seem to take a backseat role in the scene in Denver, with women doing the flirting and kissing (usually w/ each other) to get the sparks flying. Is this common everywhere? How does a guy show interest without coming across as creepy or overly agrresive?

Sorry if we're asking too many questions, but this is stuff that has been perplexing us and advice would be very helpful.

[DigginIt]

These are all great questions and I'm sure you will get lots of good answers.

Originally Posted by freshcream

1.) What do you do in a situation where the male half of a couple is agressively interested (ie: kissing & making out w/ your Mrs., bluntly expressing interest in having sex, etc.), but the female half isn't interested in your Mr.?

This will happen and there is no way around it. Getting a 4-way connection can be difficult. Mrs. Diggs and I do not get to the point of kissing unless we have both already given each other the signal that we are both interested. There are times where one is more interested in the other but we have a standing rule, no taking one for the team and no matter how hot I think a guys wife is, I wouldn't subject my wife to spending time with a guy she was not attracted too. My experience is that the wives sliding scale isn't near as large as the husbands as far as acceptability.

Originally Posted by freshcream

2.) In general, what do you do if your Mrs. feels the male half of another couple you've just met is too agressive? How do you politely turn down further advances once you realize it's going to far, or should you even bother being polite?

Aggressiveness is a huge turn off to my wife. A club can be a little different but for the most part, she will dismiss a guy pretty quickly if she gets the impatient "When are we going to get to the fucking" vibe from a guy. If you don't have the time to dance and flirt with her then she doesn't have the time to fuck you. We have only had this happen twice and we didn't play with either of them.

Originally Posted by freshcream

3.) This one is very specific: I (Ms.) met the absolute hottest guy (other than my Mr.) at the swingers club last night. He's single and one of the bartenders there. While I've not been interested in another MMF since my first one went poorly years ago, this guy has changed that. He is definetly interested in helping me fulfill and repair my broken fantasy and enthusiastically agreed to my rules (it's about me, and treat me w/ respect). He gave me his number. My Mr. is excited to give me this opportunity, too. My problem is (and please, don't laugh) - when should I call him? Should we hang out with him first or just make it a sexy ONS? I'm just a little nervous, so please forgive how childish this question sounds!

No date rules apply here Call him right now! Seriously, how do you want it to go. Do you want it to be a sexy night out with dancing and flirting or do you just want to take him back to a room and rip his clothes off. Either way, I'm sure he will be more than happy to go either way. If he doesn't, then don't set yourself up for another failed expectation.

Originally Posted by freshcream

4.) We've noticed that men generally seem to take a backseat role in the scene in Denver, with women doing the flirting and kissing (usually w/ each other) to get the sparks flying. Is this common everywhere? How does a guy show interest without coming across as creepy or overly agrresive?

A backseat role, are you talking about meetings from a website or at a club scene because it might vary slightly? Usually, if another wife is flirting, kissing you, it's most likely been decided by her, the other woman that your man has made the cut and should be able to join in when an opening presents itself.

Creepy guys, no matter how hot the girl is, neither of us will play. Creepy is a decision we most often make before the introduction takes place. Dates are a little harder.

Overly aggressive - this is subjective but take what I said in statement two above factored in with the women kissing part.

Great questions and hope I helped a little.

[808robertr]

No insight here..more questions. We're kinda in the same boat when it comes to the male half of a couple we just met. My wife and the male half are hitting it off and my wife says she's kinda attracted to him.

As for me and the female half, we're friends. I find her very attractive and would love to play with her, not so sure she feels the same towards me, but if she's not, then we won't play...according to the male half she does take her time in deciding whether or not she wants to play...I mean we can wait, but only for so long. But that's not the real issue..

The male half is continuing to pursue my wife, via email, chats, etc. Most of the time I'm present when he contacts her so no "cheating" involved on our part. Well, last night the female half contacts me to say she likes us and would love to play, but she has some real concerns about her hubby overstepping "boundaries (e.g. playing without her knowledge and/or consent)."

I didn't have the heart to tell her that I think he's already doing that from the way he's trying to contact my wife. well, now the female half wants to meet again and put everything out there and then she said she'll be ready. I'm thinking to avoid any potential harm of either of our relationships, we should bow out gracefully....any thoughts?

[DigginIt]

Originally Posted by 808robertr

The male half is continuing to pursue my wife, via email, chats, etc. Most of the time I'm present when he contacts her so no "cheating" involved on our part. Well, last night the female half contacts me to say she likes us and would love to play, but she has some real concerns about her hubby overstepping "boundaries (e.g. playing without her knowledge and/or consent)."

I didn't have the heart to tell her that I think he's already doing that from the way he's trying to contact my wife. well, now the female half wants to meet again and put everything out there and then she said she'll be ready. I'm thinking to avoid any potential harm of either of our relationships, we should bow out gracefully....any thoughts?

Well, take this with the understanding that we are far from veterans but I don't think we are new either but a few things immediately jump to my mind.

First and foremost, if you are uncomfortable any at all (but you still maybe want to play) then simply talk with them. If they don't respect you and your boundaries then definitely bow out and back away.

Now having said that, many people have been doing this long enough that they have forgotten what it was like to be new. We have found that texting, IM'ing, Cam's often independently is pretty normal.

Eight months ago, we were very rigid and uncomfortable in certain things. Today, it's not even a second thought. I text, cam, IM all day long without my wife being there and then we share everything at night, it's sexy. It all stems around trust and communication. We both trust each other explicitly. There is nothing that I will say or do in an IM, CAM or Text that I wouldn't do in front of my wife and vice versa.

There is a difference in being assertive and aggressive. You just need to figure out which one he is being. Lastly, a couple should never go at a pace that is uncomfortable to the other couple. Just because you two are not ready to do those things today, doesn't mean you won't be 6 months from now. If you have too, find a couple more your speed for the time being.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by freshcream

1.) What do you do in a situation where the male half of a couple is agressively interested (ie: kissing & making out w/ your Mrs., bluntly expressing interest in having sex, etc.), but the female half isn't interested in your Mr.?

It depends on if you are willing to play separately. If you are and they are then go for it and your Mr & their Mrs can continue to search for options. If you only play together there should be interest all the way around, imo.

[quote]
2.) In general, what do you do if your Mrs. feels the male half of another couple you've just met is too agressive? How do you politely turn down further advances once you realize it's going to far, or should you even bother being polite?[/quote

I'm usually polite at first. If they don't take get the (less than subtle hint) then I'm not so polite. If you've allowed things to go on a whiel because you thought you were interested it takes a little more and you have to be very blunt when you say "I'm not interested anymore" and walk away. If it's the first advance, I usually just remove the hand (or whatever body part he is using to offend me) in such a way to make it clear I do not want him touching me. If that doesn't work the next step is to state clearly that I am not interested. After that I get rude.

3.) This one is very specific: I (Ms.) met the absolute hottest guy (other than my Mr.) at the swingers club last night. He's single and one of the bartenders there. While I've not been interested in another MMF since my first one went poorly years ago, this guy has changed that. He is definetly interested in helping me fulfill and repair my broken fantasy and enthusiastically agreed to my rules (it's about me, and treat me w/ respect). He gave me his number. My Mr. is excited to give me this opportunity, too. My problem is (and please, don't laugh) - when should I call him? Should we hang out with him first or just make it a sexy ONS? I'm just a little nervous, so please forgive how childish this question sounds!

It depends on your comfort level. If you are more comfortable just making it happen, go for it. If you feel you need to get more comfortable with him and hang out first, then do that. There's no right or wrong way.

4.) We've noticed that men generally seem to take a backseat role in the scene in Denver, with women doing the flirting and kissing (usually w/ each other) to get the sparks flying. Is this common everywhere? How does a guy show interest without coming across as creepy or overly agrresive?

I think this is in general to some degree. It ensures that the women are really involved and interested. Think about how you'd feel if you were approached by just a guy alone,would you wonder if his wife was really into it or was he just looking for a lay and his wife was along for the ride. The best thing to do is to scope out the people together and approach them together. If you do it that way it doesn't matter who speaks, just make sure that if it's the guy he introduces himself to the other guy first and then introduces you as in (while looking at the guy, not his wife) your husband says "Hi my name is ______ and this is my wife______". Same if you were the one speaking, you speak to the wife first. This just keeps anyone from feeling like you are there trying to steal their partner (which no one should be doing) and that you understand boundaries.

[realcplub2]

Originally Posted by freshcream

1.) What do you do in a situation where the male half of a couple is agressively interested (ie: kissing & making out w/ your Mrs., bluntly expressing interest in having sex, etc.), but the female half isn't interested in your Mr.?

Fall back regroup your home team and put together a unified front.. Cont below

2.) In general, what do you do if your Mrs. feels the male half of another couple you've just met is too agressive? How do you politely turn down further advances once you realize it's going to far, or should you even bother being polite?

This continues the answer to number one since both apply..

In either case, you and your husband have the right to call a halt to everything at any point. This relates back to another thread, where the shoe was on the other foot.

Lets be honest, these people are looking for you to get naked, and share yourselves with them.. And you are looking for the same..

In question 1, you both have the absolute right to ask the other woman, to ask where she is, how she feels , if she wants to do this.. If she has any misgivings, isnt sure, whatever, SLOW DOWN.. you only proceed at the pace of the slowest person.

In question 2, If you feel pressured, the guy is moving too fast, or whatever and you are uncomfortable, throw the red flag and stop everything.. Polite, inpolite, it doesnt matter. call a halt and define things..

3.) This one is very specific: I (Ms.) met the absolute hottest guy (other than my Mr.) at the swingers club last night. He's single and one of the bartenders there. While I've not been interested in another MMF since my first one went poorly years ago, this guy has changed that. He is definetly interested in helping me fulfill and repair my broken fantasy and enthusiastically agreed to my rules (it's about me, and treat me w/ respect). He gave me his number. My Mr. is excited to give me this opportunity, too. My problem is (and please, don't laugh) - when should I call him? Should we hang out with him first or just make it a sexy ONS? I'm just a little nervous, so please forgive how childish this question sounds!

Go with your feelings on this, as you and your husband feel comfortable proceed..

4.) We've noticed that men generally seem to take a backseat role in the scene in Denver, with women doing the flirting and kissing (usually w/ each other) to get the sparks flying. Is this common everywhere? How does a guy show interest without coming across as creepy or overly agrresive? [/QUOTE]

Its not just Denver, its everywhere..

Why do you think we refer to single women as unicorns..

Women within the lifestyle have all the power, in any situation.. When they say, No.. its no.. and thats the bottom line.

[freshcream]

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughts and advice. I now feel more comfortable halting the attentions of another guy if I'm not interested and my Mr. and I have worked out a "safe look" so he knows to step in if necessary. We only play together, so interest has to be in both of us or none of us. My Mr. feels a lot better about the dynamics of the scene (females first) now that you all have explained it (he was starting to feel like fewer girls liked him than liked me, but now knowing that if they like me, they like him has bolstered him, 'cause I get to make out with lots of girls! )

As for the single guy, I took a compromise approach and sent him a text. He seemed responsive, but then I put the ball in his court and told him to call me sometime in the week. He said he would, but did not, and that was quite a turn-off for me. Maybe next time. I feel better playing with a couple in general anyway... it was a great fantasy, though!

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by freshcream

. We only play together, so interest has to be in both of us or none of us. My Mr. feels a lot better about the dynamics of the scene (females first) now that you all have explained it (he was starting to feel like fewer girls liked him than liked me, but now knowing that if they like me, they like him has bolstered him, 'cause I get to make out with lots of girls! )

STOP!, hold on a second here!!!! Do NOT make the assumption that just because the girls are cuddling up to you that means that they will accept your hubby!!

I saw the earlier post that said if the girls are hitting it off that it means that they are willing to play with the corresponding male halves and I do disaggree with that statement. There is a possibility that they MIGHT consider playing with the other male half but that is absolutely positively NOT an indication that they are attracted to your partner.

Women will often flirt and dance and play kissy-kiss with other women that they find nice and attractive but that does not mean that they are also wanting to do anything with that gals partner.

I do not want to rain on anyone's parade or burst any bubbles here but he is going to have to get out and do some flirting and dancing and socializing of his own and cannot just ride on your coattails.

Here is what is very likely if he just fades into the background while you are out doing all the flirting/socializing/dancing etc. If he is just hanging out while you are out schmoozing and once you and the other ladies are getting all hot and horny and he takes this as his cue to move in and he starts trying to score a piece off of these gals that he hasn't spoken to or flirted with all night then -

- HE will be seen as the OVERLY AGGRESSIVE CREEPY guy!!!!!!


Yes it is true that women need to establish a comfort and acceptance with each other but the men have to carry their weight if they want to play with other women.

There are a lot of guys that just lurk in he background at the club as the ladies dance and frollick and as long as they just lurk in the background in the playroom and don't try to score with another lady that is fine.

If you are looking for full swap type encounters then he is going to have step up to the plate and carry his own weight. He is going to have to look sharp, he is going to have to pleasant and sociable and he is going to have to get out and meet people and sell himself and not just rely on his female partner to get him playmates.

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by DigginIt

Usually, if another wife is flirting, kissing you, it's most likely been decided by her, the other woman that your man has made the cut and should be able to join in when an opening presents itself.

While I agree with the rest of your post I do disagree pretty strongly with this statement and believe that it can be a very erroneous if not downright dangerous assumption.

There are lots of women that like to flirt, dance and kiss with other women but have no interest whatsoever in the other women's partners. There are lots of couples that go to clubs that are not full or even soft swap couples but are only interested in F/F play only.

I agree that women often need to have some personal time with each other to get some connection and comfort with each other but the fact that the girls are hitting it off in no way assumes that the other male has "made the cut." Men are responsible for carrying their own weight and making their own cuts.

If a guy is just lurking on the sidelines and hasn't made any attempts to get to know or interact with another lady all night and decides to "join in when an opportunity presents itself" then he is going to be viewed as the 'AGGRESSIVE, CREEPY GUY' that people are so afraid of.

Yes, the lifestyle is often all about the women but a big part of it being about the women is that the men need to step up to the plate and be responsible for their own acceptance and have to interact and socialoze with people also and can't just sit in the shadows and expect that their wives are going to hook them up with playmates.

[DigginIt]

Originally Posted by Newpants

STOP!, hold on a second here!!!! Do NOT make the assumption that just because the girls are cuddling up to you that means that they will accept your hubby!!

Totally disagree here but I should have clarified my perspective. I totally understand your point. I just want to clarify mine. My point assumes that the couple is there together and not fluttering around like singles. If you see a couple there together, it should be assumed until you get to know them that they are there to play as a couple.

In that sense:

If you two are together at the club and it's obvious you are a couple there together ... It is COMPLETELY NOT ACCEPTABLE, to approach an OBVIOUS couple with any expectations of playing ONLY with one half of that couple. My wife will kick your ass if you lead her on and completely ignore me.

Swinging, to a majority of people, is about them as a couple. For anyone to assume they can play with one part of a couple, not knowing them or their rules is rude and disrespectful. Period!!!

.

[DigginIt]

Originally Posted by Newpants

There are lots of women that like to flirt, dance and kiss with other women but have no interest whatsoever in the other women's partners. There are lots of couples that go to clubs that are not full or even soft swap couples but are only interested in F/F play only.

I agree that women often need to have some personal time with each other to get some connection and comfort with each other but the fact that the girls are hitting it off in no way assumes that the other male has "made the cut." Men are responsible for carrying their own weight and making their own cuts.

If a guy is just lurking on the sidelines and hasn't made any attempts to get to know or interact with another lady all night and decides to "join in when an opportunity presents itself" then he is going to be viewed as the 'AGGRESSIVE, CREEPY GUY' that people are so afraid of.

I 100% agree with all of this. I also think that those couples are pretty easy to spot most of the time. If you are at the bar next to them and they are that type of couple that just wants to flirt and do some g/g fun things then it shouldn't be assumed that the other couple is going to know your intentions and should be communicated.

Thinking about freshcreams questions "What do you do in a situation where the male half of a couple is agressively interested (ie: kissing & making out w/ your Mrs., bluntly expressing interest in having sex, etc.), but the female half isn't interested in your Mr.?"

This is totally unacceptable behavior for a couple that is there together, acting like a couple there together for the husband to advance upon the female half of the couple when the respective SO isn't interested in playing with them.

If the male half approached them and said that he was there playing as a single and wanted to know if they were interested, then that is a different story. It's been communicated at that point and then newcream can decide at that point if they want to continue or politely decline.

Hope this makes better sense.

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by DigginIt

Totally disagree here.

It's one thing if you two are acting like singles at the club BUT if you two are together at the club and it's obvious you are a couple there together ... It is COMPLETELY NOT ACCEPTABLE, to approach an OBVIOUS couple with any expectations of playing ONLY with one half of that couple. My wife will kick you ass if you lead her on and completely ignore me.

Swinging, to a majority of people, is about them as a couple. For anyone to assume they can play with one part of a couple, not knowing them or their rules is rude and disrespectful. Period!!!

.

We may be misunderstanding each other a little bit here. I agree with you that couples should be treated as and respected as a couple and not treated as two independant singles.

The point that I was trying to impress upon the OP is that it can not be assumed that another woman that is flirting and dancing and hitting it off with HER that it means that she will also be interested in her husband and that he has "already made the cut" and that he can "join in when an opportunity presents itself."

Many women dance and flirt and titty-rub on each other at clubs because they enjoy that for it's own sake and that it does not mean that they have already accepted that other ladies' partner. There are lots of women that play to varying degrees with other women and have no interest whatsoever in the other gals partner. There are also lots of people at lifestyle clubs that are not really even swingers that do any kind of partner swapping at all and are just there so the females can dirty dance and flirt and play with each other and they have no intentions or even desire to play with someone else's husband.

I agree with you that it is rude to try and get a female half by herself and ignore her partner but I do believe it is a very inaccurate and potentially dangerous assumption to assume that because a woman is hitting it off with another woman that it means that the other woman's parter has already, "made the cut and can join in when an opportunity presents itself."

[Newpants]

Originally Posted by DigginIt

I 100% agree with all of this. I also think that those couples are pretty easy to spot most of the time. If you are at the bar next to them and they are that type of couple that just wants to flirt and do some g/g fun things then it shouldn't be assumed that the other couple is going to know your intentions and should be communicated.

Thinking about freshcreams questions "What do you do in a situation where the male half of a couple is agressively interested (ie: kissing & making out w/ your Mrs., bluntly expressing interest in having sex, etc.), but the female half isn't interested in your Mr.?"

This is totally unacceptable behavior for a couple that is there together, acting like a couple there together for the husband to advance upon the female half of the couple when the respective SO isn't interested in playing with them.

If the male half approached them and said that he was there playing as a single and wanted to know if they were interested, then that is a different story. It's been communicated at that point and then newcream can decide at that point if they want to continue or politely decline.

Hope this makes better sense.

We are crossposting at the same time so things may seem a little convoluted and confused but I do think we are on the same page for the most part.

I agree with your first paragraph here but I think the key is that people's intentions and play preferences should be communicated upfront and NOT ASSUMED that because the ladies are hitting it off and having fun that it means that either of them want to play with the other's husband. Does that make sense and do we agree there??

As far as the rest of your post, that is a different topic and I do agree with you on that and yes, it makes sense.

[DigginIt]

Originally Posted by Newpants

We are crossposting at the same time so things may seem a little convoluted and confused but I do think we are on the same page for the most part.

LOL, I agree. I'll also add that people write from their own experiences. I'm writing from a perspective of a guy that, while shy, is in tune with his surroundings and when it comes to playing and wanting to play, doesn't sit back in the shadows. I guess my views may be tainted by that fact.

I have enjoyed our discussion.

[The Fuse]

One sentence:

"We play together only, and I'm afraid we do not have a four-way match".