Struggling in Canada...I feel like I'm second, not first

[Froggers]

Hi folks, I've had an account here for a while, mostly as an observer of the site. My wife and I are not "swingers" per se.

I like to watch, I like to watch my wife be pleasured. Kissing, fucking, the whole 9 yards Although the reverse hasn't yet happened, my wife says she would like to see me play also. Which is fine. She has played and had fun with a few people in the past and they were all (with the exception of one) a good time.

HOWEVER,

We recently met (through the internet) someone in a southern state, what I thought might be a new play partner and currently we (more aptly put, she) is having fun doing things on webcam with him, with me there at all times. I wouldn't have it any other way. We did intend to meet him at some point and play (they play, I watch, same room, video has been discussed and allowed -- we have done video before).

However, there seems to be a lot of secrecy with her and the new "friend" and I feel like I'm second, and not first. They have lengthy discussions on the internet and they tell each other they love each other. The other day, she told me that he has "joked" to her that he would love to have her alone. During that conversation, he told her "something to help him sleep would get us time alone," and when she said to him, "that's cruel," he further joked, "cruel would be not letting him wake up."

I've told her my concerns. She was up front with me about the joke. I still feel like there are secrets due to the way she looks at me when my back is turned. I'm not a stupid person. I read people very well.

Does anyone have any advice? Should I stop it? If I do, and she gets pissed that I stopped it, what then? Should I let it continue in hopes that whatever the secrets are might burn out? After all, we are in Canada and the male is in the states..

I need advice desperately.

[lardub]

Wow I really don't have much advice to give, except communication is paramount. I also don't believe you have anything to worry about re a plot to get rid of you. The major thing that pops out at me is the trust issue, and the secrets be they real or imagined are not healthy for a relationship. I guess i would tell her that the direction this is going is making you uncomfortable and perhaps it should be put on hold for awhile. If she dissagrees then you two have work to do on boundries and mutual respect for each other. Every once in awhile everyone needs a break to regain who and what they are as couple. Personally we always play as a couple and never bring in singles as this sort of stuff does happen. I've seen it happen where the two click and the third is left out, in order for this type of arrangement to succeed ground rules have to be established and if at anytime one of you says enough, its enough it has to end regardless of the reasons.

[dlflorida]

Th e fact that they told each that they love each other is troubling IMHO. This is a person she has never met. I get the whole "something new, something exciting" aspect of meeting, flirting, webcamming, etc. aspect of bringing someone new into your relationship. Having said that, with the information you have provided, the secrecy you referenced is a HUGE red flag. Swinging is all about open communication. Your feelings need to be addressed ASAP. Letting these feelings fester will make your situation deteriorate long and short term.

I suggest taking a break until these issues get resolved.

Good luck!!

[lovinher]

My question to you is why did you let it go this far if it bothers you so much?

[DigginIt]

I don't know very much about your relationship. I don't know how long you two have been married, how long or how many experiences you two have had. How strong your relationship is, etc. It sounds like you have had more than a few experiences where she has had another partner and you have watched.

I also agree that the webcam play might just be new and exciting so not really concerned there. The fact that she can do things on the webcam and feel a sense of exclusiveness away from you might be a point of concern and worth discussing but still not a real big deal unless it's consuming all of her time.

The real issue here is that you are feeling excluded and neglected. The second and equally disturbing problem is the joking. My wife loves talking and playing and being sexual. We both text and chat independently but the moment someone even joked around like this guy has done; she would be chewing their heads off no matter how attracted she felt towards them. I have that much trust in confidence in our relationship.

There are crazy people in this world and if while I don't condone violence this would be borderline me kicking this guys ass!! Shit like that ain't cute or funny. It also undermines your relationship and is unhealthy emotionally and mentally for both of you.

I'd have a serious talk with your wife about how you feel. See how she feels and give her a chance to really talk and then reassess.

There is certainly some missing pieces to this puzzle but that is my first initial impression.

[Alura]

It all sounds very, very scary to me.

Alura

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by Froggers

Does anyone have any advice? Should I stop it? If I do, and she gets pissed that I stopped it, what then? Should I let it continue in hopes that whatever the secrets are might burn out? After all, we are in Canada and the male is in the states..

I need advice desperately.

You already have answered yourself, within your mind I think.

The answer is obvious. She needs to cut it off with him in the very absolute least until such time as you are both on the same page together. This isn't swinging. It's cheating.

Letting something fester is almost never the right solution. The longer this goes on, the worse it will get.

If she gets pissed, she gets pissed. She's not going to be less pissed if you demand a stop at a later date as opposed to now. If she gets so pissed she decides to leave you, there's nothing to be gained by living the fantasy that she's with you now. So, you stand really very little to lose by insisting on a cessation of contact with him now.

Polyamory is fine, and can be very successfully done. We have a few polyamorous people here on these forums. But, what you describe isn't polyamory either, at least not that of a stable relationship group.

My wife and I have a rule that as soon as either of us feels we are emotionally falling in love with someone, we cut it off with the other person and let the spouse know. We are not interested in polyamory at this time. If my wife was webcamming with someone and told him that she loved him, and I knew about it, it'd be over between them, cold turkey. Our relationship is first and foremost for both of us, and neither of us wants it any different than that. We came to this conclusion after long thought out discussion about where our borders were, and we continue to have discussions about those borders.

Your borders are being exceeded, and you're tolerating it to some degree. I would not, and I think you know you shouldn't be tolerating it as you are. It's time to put an end to it. Now. Not a week from now, not one last time with the guy, not anything. Now.

Then have a discussion, even several, about this topic. If you decide you'd like to move into a polyamorous situation, then you have a lot of reading, introspection, and deep conversations to engage in with your wife. You don't have the ground work laid for polyamory right now. I would not re-start things with this guy. It's obvious he's a deceiver. You don't need that.

[venus]

Secrecy, proclaiming they love each other, you feeling left out and the "joke" from him about drugging you to get her alone....that last part is just wrong on sooo many levels! How would she feel if it were reversed? Red flags are all over this....you barely know this guy (from what I get from your post) I wouldn't let anyone "joke" like that about my husband. Ever. That's just not funny at all. He needs to go!

[slevin]

I would casually tell her that you think that this guy isn't someone you want to play with and you think that you and her should look for someone else; someone local. See how she reacts. If she gets pissed, or tries to talk you into continuing with this guy, tries to rationalize it or minimize your opinion then you definitely have issues. Talking openly about it is fine of course, but gauge her reaction to you saying you think you should find someone else to play with rather than this guy. Don't initially get into how you're feeling left out etc., but you can get into that open communication after you have a chance to gauge her reaction to what you said. What you want to see is where her head is at; if this is a new toy, but she still fully respects you and has your relationship first, then it won't be a big deal. If this new toy has her so infatuated she's forgotten what is important, then you have some serious issues to handle.

Let us know how it goes, whatever you decide to do.

[slevin]

Originally Posted by venus

I wouldn't let anyone "joke" like that about my husband. Ever. That's just not funny at all. He needs to go!

Amen. If my wife didn't cut off communication right then and there, I would be highly disappointed. Any woman that suggests something like that about my wife I would immediately cut off; I expect the same from my wife. No matter how great, attractive and interesting the guy might be.

[Edison Carter]

Let's be very straightforward here: Everything communicated counts. There is no 'joke'. He's made several coy suggestions which ranged from getting her alone to drugging you to murdering you. None of them appropriate and here's another thing: He ain't joking, in my opinion.

[exploringRM]

Both my wife an I chat with out play partners online. (and with one couple via phone and text, but that's another story or drama) in a already posted thread) The conversations are never about longing or something akin to a relationship beyond friends that we have sex with. I'm actually very careful to avoid anything that could be implied something more than it is.

Your situation would bother me immensly. We are not in this to create an emotional relationship with others beyond friends with benefits.

[lustylearning]

Originally Posted by Edison Carter

Let's be very straightforward here: Everything communicated counts. There is no 'joke'. He's made several coy suggestions which ranged from getting her alone to drugging you to murdering you. None of them appropriate and here's another thing: He ain't joking, in my opinion.

I don't think he's joking either. He's crazy. There are certain places you just don't go. I really hope your lady sees this clearly enough to make the break.

[lizandtom]

Everyone has given sound advice. I can give you some field experience. My wife, who has always told me everything, told me the male 1/2 of a couple that she had gotten very close with had told her to not tell me that they were phone chatting [after 3 or 4 full swaps, I found I really didn't have the right chemistry with the wife so didn't want to continue]. He said he didn't want his wife to find out because she'd be upset.

I told my wife the golden rule is that if anyone's uncomfortable, it's supposed to end, and I was uncomfortable. She tried to justify their activities for quite some time; we got into heated arguments, but I stood my ground, and after some time went on she got over him.

Bottom line, tell your wife to end all communication with the guy, and you or her explain to the guy that you'all just aren't comfortable with the situation. Done. Your wife will be moody for a while, but explain to her that you, as a couple, come first and there are plenty of fish in the sea to go find that both of you will be comfortable with.

[realcplub2]

Originally Posted by Edison Carter

Let's be very straightforward here: Everything communicated counts. There is no 'joke'. He's made several coy suggestions which ranged from getting her alone to drugging you to murdering you. None of them appropriate and here's another thing: He ain't joking, in my opinion.

Ahem !! Glad we arent alone..

Froggers, this has gone off the rails and gone WAY too far

Unfortunately, shit like this has been on the news far too often.. Often with tragic results

Time to seriously talk between you both and more importantly ask how much info she has given him.. like where you actually live... God Forbid this happy camper is one of those.. junp in those pick up and plan a road trip...