Busted..our teenager found out we're swingers

[808robertr]

Okay how it happened doesn't matter. We thought we were very discreet. But our 17 yo daughter intercepted a text message from my wife's lover. the wife tried to blow it off as me texting her nasty messages,she wasn't buying it. Now the both of them aren't talking and their siblings are wondering what's going on. We're afraid that she may share this with her therapist and our whole swinging life will end. she made the same claim before to her therapist vut at the time we were only talking about swinging. I think a less said approach may work best...let her know that we still love each other and love her..any suggestions other than locking the phone, stop swininging altogether...have the both of them talk when their ready...wife was soooo embarassed she didn't want to come home....any suggestions greatly appreciated

[BiloxiCouple]

Just be honest and don't make a big deal of it. Your personal life is yours not theirs.

That's how we dealt with it when they found out. We've even taken the boys to the club on a slow night to have a drink or two.

[lardub]

I can fully understand how you guys feel we believe our 20yr old daughter may have a clue as we went out to the club last saturday evening and a couple we know lost their sitter at the last min, so being the accomodating people we are we said bring her over as our other children are the same age and she can spend the evening with them. Well our daughter the next day was full of questions such as. "Where did you meet them, are they in the bike club (We are in a motorcycle riding club) I just said yes, then she said where did you go I said to a bar to dance, she then said Dad you don't dance your a wall flower and who were you with? We explained it was friends we ride with, don't think she bought it but so far no more questions. If it comes up and she ask full out, I guess we will just tell her that we go becuse its fun but nothing happens just harmless flirting. not sure if she'll buy it though

[FitCpl30s]

Wow I wouldn't know what to say if our daughters found out. A few weeks ago we said we were going out with some friends, mind you our oldest is only 8, any how she turned around and said where are you really going cause you don't have any friends. We smiled it off, then she said you are going to the hotel, our faces dropped and we asked her what made her think that. She said she went through the bag we were taking and saw a bathing suit. She though we were going to indoor water park without her. We laughed it off, we hope she doesn't get this way when she is older.

[VegasLee]

You basically have three choices.

You can continue to lie to your daughter and keep swinging.

You can quit

You can be honest about it and let it go.

Just because she talks to her therapist should in no way effect you swinging or not.

Do what you have do to.

We choose the honest route, we did not feel we could do something we had to lie about.

[LFM2]

When our oldest daughter found out, we also chose VegasLee's third choice. We didn't lie.

We told her how it was, answered her questions (not personal sex questions -- she didn't ask any) and left it at that. She knows she can ask any questions she wants, whenever she wants. She's very accepting of this and anymore, it's not even mentioned.

[lovinher]

This is the second time she brought it up so my guess is that your daughter has had several clues and that's why she's not buying it. Kids are curiuos and probably know way more about you than you think. The cat's out of the bag now so you might as well be honest with her. Lying about it now will only make her more angry. Think about how it makes you feel when you KNOW your being lied to.

[bbarnsworth]

I wouldn't lie about it. But, I also see a strong sense of control coming from the daughter here. I'm sorry, but my kids don't have a right to control my life beyond the obvious impacts children have on our lives. I would not stop swinging because my kids found out, even if they were upset about it. It's none of their business.

Would I stop <insert other than missionary position 'strange sex practice'> because my kids happened to find out? Would I get rid of our sex toys? Would I tell my wife (or she me) to stop making noise when we make love? The answer to all of these is a resounding NO.

I think it's important to convey to the kids that you have a healthy, strong, stable, deeply loving relationship. My wife and I do not hide our affection (appropriately) from our kids. They know full well mommy and daddy are deeply in love. We will always make sure they understand that, even if they found out we swing.

To the therapist, I would say "Our sex lives are none of your business". To our child, we would say "Our sex lives are none of your business. We love you, we love each other, and that will not change. We always have, we always will."

In the future, keep your swinging communications methods, uh, more private I know, hindsight's 20-20 and all.

[JustAskJulie]

I'm trying to figure out why your daughter finding out means you have to quit swinging. I'm also trying to figure out why you let your teenage daughter dictate your lives. Your the adults here, right?

[VanHlebar]

I agree with everyone so far. I guess first off I would be having a serious discussion with my child about privacy. Our kids know that our phones, purses and wallets are all off limits to them period. They have no right to be looking at these items period.

That said, we think our older two children know about us. Over the years they have hinted and made a number of comments around us, but have never asked us directly about it. Mrs Van and I have discussed this and we have decided that when the time comes (because it will we are sure), our answers will be honest, but we will also say that our sex life is very private and we will not discuss it. We are very much in love and we love all of them and in the end that is all that really matters.

If they where adults when they asked us AND if they came to us with open minds, we would consider talking about the lifestyle in general terms, but again, not about any specifics of our sex life.

I agree with everyone else, you need to remind your daughter that even though she is nearly and adult, you ARE adults and you have no responsibility to answer TO her. As for the therapist, if you daughter has already brought it up once, I am confident that she already knows then. Not much to worry about there, she can't do anything with the information without breaking her oath.

-Van

[808robertr]

Thank you all for your advice. I know my wife was more upset by this than I. I spoke with my daughter to see if she wanted to talk about anything, she said no so for me unless she brings it up, case closed. my wife and i had a discussion and we both appear to be in agreement that if it comes up in her therapy session we will let her therapist know that it really is none of their business. We are a loving, committed couple who love all our children and no one can doubt that. our swinging life does not put them at any risk (e.g. we don't play at home). just because they may not share the same views regarding sex does not make us "evil" parents..

to those who posted that she has control over us, that is true. and this is something we continue to work on. we have gotten better about setting boundaries we just got to keep reminding her and be more cognizant that we are the parents, she's the child...again, keep posting any input you may have, but big Mahaloz from Hawaii...

[Learning]

I'm a child therapist so if a kid comes to me about parents sexuality stuff I put it back to "its your parents business, none of yours".

You need to feel back on your game too. After the embarassment subsides, going the notion that "we are your parents we are in control will help". Any odd reactions will just fuel her fire. Its none of her business.

[Spoomonkey]

My Mother in Law knows. My 28-year-old step-son knows (Mrs Spoo's son - but I'll keep him!) and my 21-year-old daughter has moved in for a few months.

MIL and Step-son we chose to tell because of the open relationship that we have. But my kids (via their mom) have a very particular "moral viewpoint" and telling them is not an option.

If she did find out, I would do my best to cleverly lie about it. It could damage our relationship and - if word got back to her mom - affect our custody arrangement. I think that we all know that swinging can be a huge strike against a person should such a thing become a part of a legal matter.

I am not sure how a kid would intercept a text message. I keep my phone with me or completely out of sight - and I don't even get text messages from our swing friends. We keep it to email or voice calls. And even then I always lock my computer when I walk away form it if the kids are in the house.

I don't know how you should or will deal with it - I honestly can't say exactly how I would handle it, since I can't anticipate the situation that would cause us being "outed". But there is obviously now enough of a rift between mom and daughter that it does have to be dealt with.

Maybe the best course, since you mentioned that the daughter sees a therapist is to just suck it up, go see the therapist and get their advise; if they are competent they should be able to discuss it professionally. But you know the counselor better than I do.

It is on the table, best to be honest given that there is no creative way to cover it. But you'll likely have to push a discussion so it doesn't simmer and carry out farther than it should.

Spoomonkey

[sweet_tna]

Hmm. Honestly? My first response would be to have a discussion with my daughter about respecting my (and her father's) privacy. What was she doing reading your wife's text messages, anyway? To me, that is way more upsetting than what she read.

Second, we'd talk to her about what she read--it's time to come clean. I'd only give a basic explanation, assure her that Mr. Sweet and I only do this because we love each other very much, and reassure her that she is also loved. Then I would remind her that our private life is just that--private.

So what if she tells her therapist? Isn't that what you're paying the therapist for? To help your daughter sort through issues she has/things that are upsetting her?

I hope ya'll are able to work this through, before the wall between your wife and daughter gets any thicker.

[MissKay]

Okay, I wanted to come in from a perspective that doesn't seem to be represented here, a teen/young adult daughter. I'm in my early 20's childless and while going to college, live with my parents. I'm also studying child and adolescent development and have been going over traits of different age groups and how to best handle difficult situations. I just wanted to ring and help you see what might be going on in her head and how you could help make this less scary.

Her finding out is probably, from her point of view, weird and creepy. Most people don't like thinking about their parents having sex period, let alone something considered 'deviant' in western culture. Add on that teens feel weird and secretive about sex and parents in general in our culture and you have a trifecta of uncomfortableness that can make her feel confused, grossed out, angry or victimized. (I'm not saying these feelings are justified, just that teens her age are physiologically prone to having poor impulse control, ego centered thinking and elevated emotions from all the crazy hormones.) She might act out, threaten to blackmail you, or generally behave inappropriately because she is uncomfortable with the information.

As stated in the thread, she has privacy/snooping issues and is controlling in your household, which you are working on. Keep on that, and try to stress honesty as well as privacy. These two need to be closely related.

You can be private about things, and have respect for privacy and still be honest. Privacy doesn't have to mean secrets, it just means respect for things that we keep to ourselves because our culture teaches it (that sex and sex practices ,as well as other subjects- money, mental illness ect.) are something to be discrete about. Really try to teacher her by example, respect her privacy, but ask her to be honest when it counts.

Also, while setting up privacy boundaries, like 'don't search through my purse/phone without permission' you could also give her every day situations that allow her to see in 'private places' in sanctioned circumstances. For example when my mother is driving and I am in the passenger seat and she wants something from her purse, she has no problem asking me to fish something out for her. This gives me permission to go in her purse and see what is in there with her permission without it being a big deal. It's nothing special, just purse stuff, lipstick, wallet, normal, but it takes away the mystique from her purse.

Only when something is 'forbidden' do we feel we have to sneak around and get information clandestinely. So while she needs to know that some things are private, it doesn't have to mean 'secretive' or 'forbidden' it is just polite to respect others spaces. You could also do this by having her answer your phone/check a text when you know it is 'safe' (my mom does this again when we are in the car and she's generally sure it's Dad calling about dinner/grocery plans) to make your cell phone less 'forbidden' and with your bedroom by having her fetch something that is in there, the house phone, some shoes, whatever. It lets her see it in a way that is allowed for a specific window of time and for a specific reason but still satisfies her curiosity.

Privacy is hard for teenage girls, cattiness and sneakiness is very common, just try and do your best, lead by example, make punishments that fit the crime and stick to those punishments. Also praise her when she does well. Many teen girls crave real simple praise, just a little ‘thanks for doing the dishes’ or ‘I’m glad to see you’re doing so well in History’ could go a long way.

I would like to respectfully disagree with the general consensus on one subject: Your sex life IS your daughters business. No it does not mean that you have to stop, it doesn't mean that you need to go into detail, but you DO need to be honest with her. Telling her 'it's none of your business' is a big fat 'forbidden' sign, which makes her want to snoop. Privacy is about respecting a person and their boundaries, but as parents it is your job to show her, by your example, how to be loving, and have relationships. Children, especially her age are learning their views on love, sex and relationships from you. Yes, friends and the media influence her a lot, but ultimately children tend to imitate their parents relationships.

If a part of your romantic life is forbidden it will freak her out and she will act out. Worse than that, her forming opinion about relationships will include shady, forbidden pieces and it could cause a lot of confusion for her forming ideals about relationships; and lead to poor decisions. Even if it is uncomfortable for both of you, you need to be the ones to open a line of communication. If you don't want to speak face to face, try electronically, by text or email. Answer what she asks, I can almost promise you it won't be graphic unless she is in a fighting mood and using the questions to try to shame you. Don't be shamed. You are adults, you are humans and therefore sexual beings. You may be doing something outside the norm, but if you are being safe and sane about it, there is no need for it to be a 'forbidden subject' even if the only thing making it forbidden is your not wanting to talk about it because of embarrassment.

Being untruthful to her will lead to her being untruthful to you. It could also lead to stress and freak everyone involved out. I understand that being honest could cause many of those feelings also, but at least there is communication, which leaves the door open to understanding and 'grown up' ways of handling things. And really, if you don't feel that what you are doing is something you can let those closest to you know about, even discretely, then you shouldn't be doing it.

I feel like I went out on a huge limb here saying my point of view, so if you disagree, just please be civil. I realize that I am young, childless and lack experience, but I just wanted to help support the daughter's side. She sounds like a hard one to live with, but it doesn't make her feelings invalid.