Busted..our teenager found out we're swingers

[Additude]

I still don't buy into to the thought that if someone asks you a personal question that you don't care to answer and your responce is not answering the question with the personal information, that it's considered lying. I don't buy that at all.

What I consider is it being polite. Rather than explaining it is none of their business.

Also, I have no idea why parents allow their grown children to dictate their lives. Answering personal questions is in the first place a trap. There is no reason children should interrogate parents as to where they went and who they went with.

One question is polite and respectful and shows friendship. Two questions is a show of curiosity. Three questions is interrogation.

[fun4Ds]

808robertr, A delayed welcome to the Swingers Board forums

If I may ask, what is your daughter seeing a therapist for now ? You left that out and as swinging parents, our response's may differ accordingly....

This is a discussion (what about our children knowing now) and quite frankly its a tough one indeed. I wanted to stay out of this one personally, because the thought of being detrimental to your daughters therapy, let alone to a great relationship you might have with your daughter if not now, someday, is at hand. If not now, she will be an adult soon. Do you want her to close the doors of communication with you, as she leaves some day ?

MissKay, to you I would also like to give a big welcome to the Swingers Board forums Your thoughts are to be commended. Not only for your esteemed studies, but for your empathy to see through an adolescences eyes. Sometimes as parents, we forget that.....

I have a feeling, you will touch many lives for the good. If not, your gonna be one hell of a good mom someday

[AuburnCpl]

I see no problem with a parent telling their children that something such as this is none of their business. It's called boundaries and they have to be established and respected. If it is truly causing your child harm due to stress, misunderstanding or something else like that, it's possible to talk about the fact that you're in the lifestyle without going into details. As a parent there are things that are in your life that do not need to be shared with your child. That is also a two-way street. As children get older there is less and less that is the parents' business. Who a 16-year old son/daughter is having sex with is the parents' business - who a 26 year-old son/daughter is having sex with is not. In most cases adults do not need to answer to other people regarding who they're bedding down with.
To the OP, my best suggestion is to be honest with your daughter while maintaining said boundaries. Best of luck to you and welcome to the board!

[TwoAreLooking]

MissKay, I just wanted to reply and let you know that I found your response to be thoughtful and thought-provoking. I and D are childless by choice, so I, too, have stayed on the sidelines of this discussion. What you wrote struck me as true, howver. Thanks.

M

[howie1222]

It's too late for this family, but for others who may face similar questions from a child in the future, please remember the response proposed by Ann Landers or Dear Abby to such a question. When someone asks you a question you do not feel is appropriate to answer, respond with a question of your own: Why on earth would you ask me a question like that? Their response can then lead to a discussion of privacy, boundaries, etc. In an interpersonal interaction, the person who is asking the questions is in control of the interaction.

Best wishes to all.

Howie

[realcplub2]

Greetings and welcome 808robertr, and Miss Kaye

While we have never been confronted directly with it, our oldest has suspected for sometime, and we are fast approaching a time when we must address it... He and his current SO have put an add up on one of the sites, and of course we have freaked out over it for the past few weeks.

We have been discussing it at length and are of the frame of mind, that we will cross that bridge when we come to it. We aren’t going to lie, but have an honest conversation as to what we do, and since we aren’t of the club and party sect there is little chance we will cross paths in most any capacity.

Now addressing the OP, As was pointed out in other posts, you mention your Daughters got other things going on, but didn’t go into detail..

Lets assume the issues aren’t with you and your wife, but other things.. Her reaction to the text message, may be derived from a sudden fear that infidelity may lead to a break up of the family.. despite the whole less said attitude, its time to sit her down and explain that there are NO ISSUES between you both, and again, its time for the pot to call the kettle black... how detailed you get is up to you, but remember as parents we expect our kids to do as we say not as we do.. they aren’t mentally or financially equipped for the possible consequences of recreational sex. Just explaining why its OK to share yourself, without having the feelings of love, is a daunting task.

Best suggestion is to keep it simple, Dont lie, and explain that the whole thing has NO EFFECT on your personal relationship.

[Additude]

Originally Posted by howie1222

It's too late for this family, but for others who may face similar questions from a child in the future, please remember the response proposed by Ann Landers or Dear Abby to such a question. When someone asks you a question you do not feel is appropriate to answer, respond with a question of your own: Why on earth would you ask me a question like that? Their response can then lead to a discussion of privacy, boundaries, etc. In an interpersonal interaction, the person who is asking the questions is in control of the interaction.

Best wishes to all.

Howie

Howie -

This is so true. My wife uses it consistantly and hates when someone does it back to her. Also as well, many of my past work managers.

It's a great tool. I forgot of it.

[Cpl2share]

When our boys ask us about this type of thing we just respond: "Sex, Me and Mama. Think about it, no, really think about it. Now do you want details?" That ends the discussion.

[Alura]

Why am I always outside the mainstream? While I'd certainly feel justified to use Dear Ann or Abby's retort to a neighbor I'd never tell one of my sons that something ... anything ... was "none of their business." Everything in our family is fair game for discussion. I never want one of my sons to fear asking me anything. Consequently, I'd never give one of them an "in your face" answer to any question at all.

Recently I'd spent eight to ten hours crawling under and out again around Twenty's car, doing pretty-much a complete rebuild of the suspension, braking and steering systems. (It drives like a new one now.) That's a pretty hard day for a seventy year old body. I was aching. Eighteen offered a back, neck and shoulder massage.

Of course, he knew Laura and I used to give each other massages virtually daily. He asked, "Are the massages one of the things you miss most about Mom?" he asked.

"I think so," I replied. "Every night at bedtime (except when she was really sick) she'd sit on my side of the bed and scratch and massage my back while we talked about the day. I miss that a lot, probably more than the sex."

I don't remember how he phrased the next question but it was related to our sex life.

"I have to tell you, Eighteen, that your Mom was a fabulous treat in all aspects of our marriage. She was such a "dream-come-true" that I'm still puzzled what wonderful deeds I must have done in a previous life to have deserved her."

His smile told me he fully understood. "I hope I will be as lucky," he said.

Alura

[djjwp]

Number one, be honest. What you are doing can be accepted, being lied to never will be.

Two, better talk to her about privacy and as she is 17, she knows the birds and bees by now and needs to be asked if she wants you in her love life. Our kids get told when asked and they get the truth. Before that happens though, they know the rules of privacy in our home as they are raised with it. I do computers and my kids know never to come around my desk to the screen without asking first, they are not permitted in our room, etc.

[Learning]

I thought about this post for a few days, really. My speciality is teen girls, depression. I am a LCSW with 11 years in the field. The fact of the matter that irks me the moat lately is the lack of boundaries in parent:child relationships. In my practice, I see kids burdened with the parents issues. So when initially I answered this post, I noted that I would tell the girl it's not of her business what her parents do in their personal sexual life. In tx, I would support her by exploring the feelings, disappointment, worries, fears etc. But still stress to her that your choices are yours. I might be having a different conversation with her if she was older but 16 year old girls are intelligent yet emotionally fragile at times. No matter what your daughter is going to need support and her being able to address get own feelings will be crucial. Just remember she is 16 and this lifestyle is very complicated and even adults cannot wrap their heads around what we do. My thoughts are with your family.

[realcplub2]

Originally Posted by Learning

I thought about this post for a few days, really. My speciality is teen girls, depression. I am a LCSW with 11 years in the field. The fact of the matter that irks me the moat lately is the lack of boundaries in parent:child relationships. In my practice, I see kids burdened with the parents issues. So when initially I answered this post, I noted that I would tell the girl it's not of her business what her parents do in their personal sexual life. In tx, I would support her by exploring the feelings, disappointment, worries, fears etc. But still stress to her that your choices are yours. I might be having a different conversation with her if she was older but 16 year old girls are intelligent yet emotionally fragile at times. No matter what your daughter is going to need support and her being able to address get own feelings will be crucial. Just remember she is 16 and this lifestyle is very complicated and even adults cannot wrap their heads around what we do. My thoughts are with your family.

Excellent points, Learning

Let me ask, and this is our personal observation of our little corner of the world, but, it seems there are so many pre 20 somethings out there that sex and the divergences ( bi, gay, jack and jill off parties, and yes 3somes 4somes ) are almost common place. Our daughter and her friends have run the gammut of things they are doing/into. While we have been shocked on a few occasions witth what they come out with, our experiences within the lifestyle at times seem tame.

Is it our imaginations or is this actually becoming more common?

Ready for the second question? How much is this to do with the current generations attitude toward sex as opposed to that of our parents and our grandparents?

Sorry i know its a bit deep, but it swirled around the frontal lobe a bit since the OP

[interested-05]

just a thought here, at this time of the morning I may have missed something, could it be she is afraid that mom is cheating on dad and may be heading for divorce? Kids, teens included, worry about the parents splitting up and anything that upsets that balance is unsettling.
How to reassure them without spilling the beans, may be the real question

[lizandtom]

Originally Posted by interested-05

just a thought here, at this time of the morning I may have missed something, could it be she is afraid that mom is cheating on dad and may be heading for divorce? Kids, teens included, worry about the parents splitting up and anything that upsets that balance is unsettling.
How to reassure them without spilling the beans, may be the real question

Having been offline for a few days and just catching this thread, what Interested said is the key imho. With the divorce rate as high as it is, I'd bet that the real issue here is fear that mom's cheating on dad, and dad is getting or about to get really hurt in all this.

Very Very simple answer to solve this one. Dad has to 'man up' and talk one on one with the daughter in a quiet moment and state that, 1. what she read was private between wife and a 'friend' that both know and are comfortable with; 2. Dad knows about the text messages, and that there is nothing being done behind his back; 3. stress to daughter that mom and dad have an excellent relationship, lots of love and open communication, and being able to communicate about everything is a wonderful thing and makes for a really strong marriage; 4. vouch for the wife in that she's a wonderful person and mother, and please don't give her the cold shoulder; she's done nothing wrong and to judge her for something that you [daughter] found in mom's private messages wasn't right to begin with. You could probably leave it at that and anything more that she wants to know, she'll have to ask, but as MissKay pointed out, sex and parents are kinda 'gross' topics from a kids perspective so it may very well end there.

Never, ever, would we outright tell our kids "none of your business." We are all role models for our kids to a large extent; no one has to go into specifics about getting into play situations. To tell kids that you met friends for drinks and dancing and general hanging out, will undoubtedly instill more confidence in your kids over time because you've placed trust in them by communicating, rather than by giving them the cold shoulder on the topic which is more likely to give your kids the message that it's normal to keep things from people close to you, which goes against the premise of the lifestyle being very open and honest, imho.