Should we swing with unmarried couple?

[NYFunCpl]

Hi all, first official post here! Great boards and very informative.

Hubby and I had our first swing experience this week. Can I just say - WOWWW. It was so hot. I will write about it under the proper forum.

So, we went into it knowing that this couple, also married, more or less preferred "one night stand" kind of thing. We followed up w/ text/email and left things on good terms...ball in their court now if they want a 2nd time.. so we are not going to have hard feelings either way. However, even if they dont get back to us, it was a fantastic first time experience!

A few questions moving forward:

1) We are anxious to start planning our next experience. There is a young couple, who are not married. Both very hot, and new to the lifestyle. We are supposed to get in touch with them to plan our get together ...but hubby and i are curious...why would young, unmarried, dating couple be into swinging? Hubby kind of feels like if you want to play with us, you need to be married..however i am very attracted to both her and him from our exchanges/pics.

2) STD screening- hubby and I find it important to ask for up to date STD screening/test results, but feel awkward in doing so. When / how is the best way to approach this? Simply email or ask them for results?

3) Since having our 1st experience, we want to find 1 or 2 couples who we can have repeated experiences with. We get the whole "one night stand" fun, but we feel its a little risky to play w/ different couples each time, and want to set something up for more consistent play. Its also very stressful to set up that 1st meeting for us, albeit a huge rush, but we feel better if we don't have to go through that too much... I guess my question is - is it a good idea to have more consistent play buddies? Or, does that take some of the thrill and fun out of it?

Any advice is greatly appreciated!! THX

[N8ture Girl]

First off welcome to the board! Congrats on your first experience, glad it was a positive one.

As far as your questions, regarding why a unmarried young couple wanting to swing, I would ask them.

Hubby kind of feels like if you want to play with us, you need to be married..

Why does hubby feel this way?


Question 2, there has been a lot of discussion here lately about this very topic. In my honest opinion its a waste of time. The tests are only good up until the point the test was preformed, it becomes worthless if they had sex after the fact... There are some STD's that wont show up in a blood test. Did you require the test results for the couple you played with?


Question 3,

Its also very stressful to set up that 1st meeting for us, albeit a huge rush, but we feel better if we don't have to go through that too much... I guess my question is - is it a good idea to have more consistent play buddies? Or, does that take some of the thrill and fun out of it?

Honestly for most, its hard to find consistant play buddies. However it does happen. You may get lucky, but it usually will take a fair amount of time and energy. That special couple will not just fall into your lap! You have to do some work to find them. For us we would like to have a few regualar play mates but after several years in, we have only found one...

[PB&J]

1) We are anxious to start planning our next experience. There is a young couple, who are not married. Both very hot, and new to the lifestyle. We are supposed to get in touch with them to plan our get together ...but hubby and i are curious...why would young, unmarried, dating couple be into swinging? Hubby kind of feels like if you want to play with us, you need to be married..however i am very attracted to both her and him from our exchanges/pics.

Well, if unmarried, how long have they been a couple? How much younger than you? We've played with married and unmarried couples, but prefer those who have been together more than a couple of weeks. You're going to have to decide what you're comfortable with here.

2) STD screening- hubby and I find it important to ask for up to date STD screening/test results, but feel awkward in doing so. When / how is the best way to approach this? Simply email or ask them for results?

We've never been asked for test results, and never asked. You are going to ask for the test results in writing? Because really, unless you see the printed report, what's the reliability factor there? AND then you have to realize that anything that's happened since that report renders the test results useless anyway. We get tested twice a year for peace of mind, but we also take precautions to lessen the chance of transmission- because in the end, it's up to you to protect yourself.

3) Since having our 1st experience, we want to find 1 or 2 couples who we can have repeated experiences with. We get the whole "one night stand" fun, but we feel its a little risky to play w/ different couples each time, and want to set something up for more consistent play. Its also very stressful to set up that 1st meeting for us, albeit a huge rush, but we feel better if we don't have to go through that too much... I guess my question is - is it a good idea to have more consistent play buddies? Or, does that take some of the thrill and fun out of it?

Why not have the best of both worlds? Regular friends, AND some new fun from time to time? Hey, for New Year's we went to a mansion party with our best-friends-in-swinging, had some fun together, and then lost track of them for the evening while we met some new people, until we went back to our shared hotel room together at the end of the night.

Good luck with it all! BTW, the nerves with a new meet don't really go away, even with experience, but that IS part of the fun.

[exploringRM]

1) We prefer committed couples (and not the asylum type..lol). Married is not that important to us. As far as younger couples, we're 48 & 50 so there's not that much opportunity for us as we're too much like the younger one's parents.

2) We do not inquire about STD status.

3) We do enjoy meeting new couples as well as mainting relationships with our group of swing friends. As far as risk, unless you are in an exclusive relationship with your playmates, you are not really reducing it. If your group of playmates still plays with others then there is not much difference there. We have been very fortunate to have fallen into a group of people in the area that holds parties. There's about 10 couples in the group..not all attend all the time, but we know many well so the first time meeting thing for us does not happen that often. We also tend to meet new people through our swing friends, sometimes that leads to new play partners One of our close swing friends joked the other day that she should go into matchmakign as she has introduced us to 2 couple with which we hit it off very well!

There are all kinds meeting preferences. There are couples that prefer meeting at dinner and then heading to a house or hotel if things work. And that is how they do all of their meeting. There are couples that swing with a small group of couples and that's is fine for them. For us we prefer the party atmosphere, house parties, swing clubs, meet & greets. We have fun, get to dance, enjoy the social aspects as well as have hot sex! But we also do not just jump into the puppy pile of people..we are choosy about our play partners..meeting maybe 1 new couple every month or 2, but having numerous repeat encounters with our existing friends.

And really the bottom line is there is no exactly right way to do things. If you are comformtable with it and you receive enjoyment, then go with what you like.

[Edison Carter]

Susan here-- I always find that if I'm feeling awkward about a questions, I disclose the information about it, regarding myself, first.

Example: "My husband and I are STD free and can give you our most recent tests. Can you tell us about yourselves ?" Watching their response will tell you a lot. I've always been very STD aware and we ask grownup up questions for a grownup activity. That being said, there are couples that never have made an inquiry and have dodged every STD bullet known to man. I just know that never happens for me.

I will add this: It's amazing how easy this question is to ask after the first couple of times. We're also a lot like 'exploringRM' in regards to our play partners, perhaps that
model will work for you too. Infinite diversity in infinite combinations.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by NYFunCpl

1) We are anxious to start planning our next experience. There is a young couple, who are not married. Both very hot, and new to the lifestyle. We are supposed to get in touch with them to plan our get together ...but hubby and i are curious...why would young, unmarried, dating couple be into swinging? Hubby kind of feels like if you want to play with us, you need to be married..however i am very attracted to both her and him from our exchanges/pics.

If he feels that way then I'd discuss what his reasons are for feeling that they should be married and base a decision on that. I don't think the issue should be so much "are they married" but are they committed to each other and to their relationship.

Originally Posted by NYFunCpl

2) STD screening- hubby and I find it important to ask for up to date STD screening/test results, but feel awkward in doing so. When / how is the best way to approach this? Simply email or ask them for results?

Good luck with that. You won't find many couples willing to provide them (much less who have them). That said, an STD test is only valid in the instant that it is taken and a standard STD test does not cover a variety of common STDs (including Herpes).

Originally Posted by NYFunCpl

3) Since having our 1st experience, we want to find 1 or 2 couples who we can have repeated experiences with. We get the whole "one night stand" fun, but we feel its a little risky to play w/ different couples each time, and want to set something up for more consistent play. Its also very stressful to set up that 1st meeting for us, albeit a huge rush, but we feel better if we don't have to go through that too much... I guess my question is - is it a good idea to have more consistent play buddies? Or, does that take some of the thrill and fun out of it?

There are other couples out there looking for the same thing you are. Just make it clear up front that that is what you want. Don't play on the first date and get to know those you play with and feel comfortable with them. There are no guarantees that it will turn into a long term thing, people get bored and want new things. You also have to realize that you have no idea what they are doing when they aren't with you (or who else they are sleeping with) so while you may feel it's safer, it's just a feeling.

[Edison Carter]

I re-read what I wrote and I have not been as accurate as I should have been. In some ways I'm actually 'bothered' by what I wrote, as it is not complete at all.

While we often ask about STD's, more often than not, we are in a safer sex environment from the start. There are no absolutes when engaged in sexual play. In fact, many people may have an STD and be completely unaware of it. In fact, there are moments in a positive play environment where I am much more relaxed about my next sexual partner than normal. Again, that has to do with the mindset of the people present.

In some ways it's like driving a car on the highway. You actually are relying on all those drivers around you to follow rules that protect you as much as they protect themselves. A Swing environment can be much like that. Despite this, there are accidents. I think Julie's advice is the best. I still don't think i've gotten my reply quite right, yet I hope my intent comes through.

[sweet_tna]

1) hubby and i are curious...why would young, unmarried, dating couple be into swinging? Hubby kind of feels like if you want to play with us, you need to be married..however i am very attracted to both her and him from our exchanges/pics.

For us, it doesn't so much matter whether the couple is married, but how committed they are to each other.

2) STD screening- hubby and I find it important to ask for up to date STD screening/test results, but feel awkward in doing so. When / how is the best way to approach this? Simply email or ask them for results?

We've never been asked, nor have we ever asked anyone else. There really isn't much point. Even if we exchanged printouts of tests done within the last week or so, it would only be valid for the day the test was taken. And we'd still take precautions (aka use condoms and be selective about the partners we choose), so what would be the point?

That said, if you want to know something, simply ask. We're all adults here.

3) Since having our 1st experience, we want to find 1 or 2 couples who we can have repeated experiences with. We get the whole "one night stand" fun, but we feel its a little risky to play w/ different couples each time, and want to set something up for more consistent play. Its also very stressful to set up that 1st meeting for us, albeit a huge rush, but we feel better if we don't have to go through that too much... I guess my question is - is it a good idea to have more consistent play buddies? Or, does that take some of the thrill and fun out of it?

Gotta' love that "kid in a candy store" feeling that comes with being new to the lifestyle. That said, the butterflies are still there when we meet someone new, or hook up with someone we haven't played with in awhile.

We have a semi-regular group of playmates, but we're not averse to meeting someone new, either. Usually we end up becoming friends/repeat playmates, but once in awhile we do end up with a one night stand. It's all good.

That said, swinging is what you make of it. Just figure out what works for ya'll and go with it.

=)

[Mr.Essex]

Originally Posted by NYFunCpl

1) We are anxious to start planning our next experience. There is a young couple, who are not married. Both very hot, and new to the lifestyle. We are supposed to get in touch with them to plan our get together ...but hubby and i are curious...why would young, unmarried, dating couple be into swinging? Hubby kind of feels like if you want to play with us, you need to be married..however i am very attracted to both her and him from our exchanges/pics.

Sexual mores are very different for many Gen Xers and post-Gen Xers. It's quite possible that they've been "not swinging" (read: having sexual encounters with different partners prior to and upon becoming a couple) for years, and are just now taking the plunge (using websites, visiting clubs, etc.) towards becoming "legitimate" swingers. As far as your husband's concerns, they do have some merit. I'd say that it's sensible to have at least a couple of long talks with them before getting into anything physical.

2) STD screening- hubby and I find it important to ask for up to date STD screening/test results, but feel awkward in doing so. When / how is the best way to approach this? Simply email or ask them for results?

STD screenings, as many people have already mentioned, are all but useless unless you're planning to engage in "fluid exchange". If you aren't willing to show up with test results for yourselves and for your initiators, then asking them for test results comes across as shallow. On top of that, all but the most in-depth testings will omit certain diseases (herpes, NGU, hepatitis+), and the latter two can be avoided with barrier protection.

3) Since having our 1st experience, we want to find 1 or 2 couples who we can have repeated experiences with. We get the whole "one night stand" fun, but we feel its a little risky to play w/ different couples each time, and want to set something up for more consistent play. Its also very stressful to set up that 1st meeting for us, albeit a huge rush, but we feel better if we don't have to go through that too much... I guess my question is - is it a good idea to have more consistent play buddies? Or, does that take some of the thrill and fun out of it?

IMHO, it's better to have set swing partners. It gives you something to look forward to on weekends (instead of sifting through profiles or trying to suss out new partners at clubs), it reduces your chances of contracting some diseases (if you're only swinging with Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice, and B & C & T & A are only swinging with you because they don't have to worry about finding and vetting new sexual partners, it becomes a closed circuit) and it can also help with avoiding burnout (this board is full of posters who've all but given up due to the effort of finding new partners not being worth the eventual reward. The main downside is the potential for developing romantic feelings towards your other partners. If polyamory isn't in your future, you'll want to be careful about introducing a stable outside sexual element to your current relationship.

[WildFire]

We started off with a "married couples" only rule, one of our few rules. But as we have played with married couples only, (many of those that have been married for 17+ years) we realized that just because they are still married doesn't mean that they have a solid loving relationship, in fact we have actually seen just the opposite. We made some new friends that aren't married, but plan to in the next few months. The first time we met we ended up playing with them, but only after we had a good feeling about them and things were heading in a positive direction. You could tell that they were truly into each other, and I like to see that more than if they are technically "married" to each other.

So we have one less rule now.

Wildfire

[ALilOEverything]

Originally Posted by WildFire

we realized that just because they are still married doesn't mean that they have a solid loving relationship, in fact we have actually seen just the opposite.

You know, I was thinking this same thing as well. So far in all my years I've never had a bad experience with a non married but yet committed couple. We've had a run of bad luck recently of married couples who've been together for many many years. When we first meet they seem stable, they say the right things "we're still crazy about each other" but we're seeing deep down there is more going on. When those problems surface it really takes the fun out of it.

[The Fuse]

We seek couples who are in a long-term, committed, loving and respectful relationship. Sometimes those couples aren't married. We don't consider that a deal breaker. In all cases, we want to make sure they have each other's best interest at heart.

We've also played with couples who hadn't been together for that long. In one case, it was really two singles playing as a couple. That was fine too, because again they treated each other with respect.

In my opinion, it makes more sense to look for ways to include people than it does to look for ways to exclude people.

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by NYFunCpl

Hi all, first official post here! Great boards and very informative.

Hubby and I had our first swing experience this week. Can I just say - WOWWW. It was so hot. I will write about it under the proper forum.

Congratulations I hoep you get a second experience with this couple. But, still, as a first time in the lifestyle, it's wonderful it went so well (not that it's supposed to go bad or something!)

Originally Posted by NYFunCpl

1) We are anxious to start planning our next experience. There is a young couple, who are not married. Both very hot, and new to the lifestyle. We are supposed to get in touch with them to plan our get together ...but hubby and i are curious...why would young, unmarried, dating couple be into swinging? Hubby kind of feels like if you want to play with us, you need to be married..however i am very attracted to both her and him from our exchanges/pics.

Answers, as you've seen, vary. For my wife and I, it depends on the couple. We met up with a couple last year that were nice enough, but they'd been together just seven months, and saw each other somewhat infrequently at that. We decided not to play with them. They broke up a couple of months later. That's the only unmarried couple we've had contact with. But, for us it helped clarify things; if you haven't been together for a considerable length of time and and/or do not show signs of a strong relationship (regardless of marital status) we're not going to play with you.

Originally Posted by NYFunCpl

2) STD screening- hubby and I find it important to ask for up to date STD screening/test results, but feel awkward in doing so. When / how is the best way to approach this? Simply email or ask them for results?

Just ask. Others have answered this well above. But, I'll emphasize two points made by several and add a third; one, a test really is only as good as when it was taken. How can you be certain the testee hasn't played since? You can't. Two, tests don't test for everything, nor can they.

And three...

There's a preconception among some that STDs are more rampant in the lifestyle because of the nature of the lifestyle. What statistics I've seen about this show the opposite. The rate of STDs among swingers is actually lower than among single people.

So, for the flip to that, when you were dating various people before getting married (and assuming you progressed to sexual relations with the people you were dating), did you ask them for an STD test result?

It tends to be the case that single people give single people a free ride when it comes to STD tests, but people want to ask swingers for an STD test. Go figure.

Originally Posted by NYFunCpl

3) Since having our 1st experience, we want to find 1 or 2 couples who we can have repeated experiences with. We get the whole "one night stand" fun, but we feel its a little risky to play w/ different couples each time, and want to set something up for more consistent play. Its also very stressful to set up that 1st meeting for us, albeit a huge rush, but we feel better if we don't have to go through that too much... I guess my question is - is it a good idea to have more consistent play buddies? Or, does that take some of the thrill and fun out of it?

Both are good, both have pluses and minuses.

My wife and I have always been on the lookout for a couple or single male whom we/she can play with on a regular basis. We've been swinging for about a year and a half now, and haven't found that match yet. We played with one couple twice, and two different singles three times. But, the last time with any of them was June of '09.

Having a regular helps eliminate all the problems in trying to find a good match. Once you've gone through all the work of finding a good match, why play just once? How depressing I'm reminded of a member of this board who, with her husband, has a rule of one-and-done. She found a man who gave her absolutely incredible, take your breath away sex. She was in heaven. Loved every minute of it. An experience like no other swinging experience. Yet, she could play with him just once. If my wife found that, I'd draw up a contract for regular service for my wife

Also, a regular can learn all the ins and outs of you, and learn what really gets you going whereas a one-and-doner might not be able to really please you well.

But, finding new partners also offers the newness aspect, which can't be replaced. Finding a new sex partner is thrilling when its good. You can't get that with a regular.

There's a poster here on this forum who is part of a six or seven couple group that have all agreed to play only within the group; sort of a large group fidelity/monogamy. They've all been tested for STDs, and they've all agreed (even on paper) to play only within the group. When they play, no condoms are ever involved. This is a big plus for the men of course, and for some women this is a big plus (my wife, for example, actively dislikes condoms and far prefers naked cocks, though that's never happened while swinging).

There's all sorts of arrangements.

[Spoomonkey]

Congrats on the first experience! We're still waiting to have our first experience (of 2010) ourselves!

Everyone else has covered marriage perfectly. You have to judge each situation based on the people involved. Some unmarried couples may be incredible friends - and some married couples may be train wrecks.

As for the STD thing, I really think you are going to cut your connections down dramatically if you try to enforce that rule. We get tested, but we don't keep results. And on top of that we'd be reluctant to hand them out. Besides - as many have pointed out, the results have a super short shelf life.

I think even that goes back to judging the individual situation. Maybe you and your husband just need to try a slower approach to get to know a couple (?) It isn't uncommon for a couple to want to meet for drinks and dinner once before being intimate.

And as far as finding friends, we have learned that it's really difficult to do - at least in our area. The better friends we have met, we've met right here - and they always live on the far side of Mars. Getting together is tricky.

The ones that we have met who live close are usually busy types. I am thinking that after we all retire things will get smokin' hot! But who really knows...

Anyhoo - you guys are new, so your rules and expectations will evolve to fit the reality of the swing community in your area. Friends or single encounters - STD resumes - married or not married... I'll bet you dinner that in two years the rules you have now will look quite a bit different

Spoomonkey

[NYFunCpl]

Thanks everyone ... were overwhelmed with how helpful and responsive you all are here on this forum!

We are meeting with them tomorrow night... just for drinks. We plan to reschedule another night if we feel there is chemistry. We feel this is a good way to get to know them and potentially build a long term "play"ship with them. The last couple preferred one night stands, but we realized that was not our preference...

Were hoping that just because we meet under these conditions, it doesn't take any of the magic/spark out of the next meeting, if we like each other. I think some flirting and mild fun may be in the cards, and were meeting pretty early. IMHO, i am open to "going there" on the first "date" but hubby wants to try this slower approach, and i want to respect that.

We have had some HOT exchanges over chat... including pics/video, etc. I think we will really have a lot of fun with them, despite them being dating for only 1.5 years. Plus, my age preference (20-30's) we have to expect not all couples to be married as we are. I learned they had a first experience recently with a couple in their 40's. In a way, that was good news since it showed they are open minded. I also was really happy when they said they would consider full swap, with the right couple...as would we. I am pretty impressed with this dating couple, and hope that we find a mutual chemistry/attraction. They are both very hot, and believe the feeling of attraction from pic exchanges is mutual.

Will post an update on how it went.. thanks a mill for all your advice. Hubby and I finally have a forum we both like to visit, LOL

Any further advice is greatly appreciated.... ! Including - should we really really like them, should we break, or, bend the rule of not playing on the first "date"???