I wouldn't mind him just having sex...

[thiscouple]

... but he wants to make love to the other women. He wants to hold hands while kissing, carress, and such. Then afterwards wants to lay in eachother's arms and carress and whisper sweet nothings about how good she was. I am so NOT okay with this! I was okay when I thought he was on the same page I was and that it was physical pleasures and leave the soft, sweet intimate stuff for me. He says he cannot do this like a robot and it's the only way he knows how to be. He is upset I and cannot understand where I am coming from. To me it'd be like he's giving love and a little of his soul to each playmate. That is NOT what I think this should be! Maybe I'm just crazy jealous like he thinks. I don't know. I do know I'm not ready and I feel bad about that but I also know I cannot stand to let him make love to someone else.

Right now we're doing the MFM threesomes and he wants to do a cuckhold episode. He thinks it's all hot and loves it. Says it'll be okay if we just do that.

But then another problem is we had contacted an experienced couple. He and her texted and he let me read them. That's when I realized he wanted the love making... describing how he'd tenderly do this and that, then hold her in his arms, etc. I immediately pulled the plug. She is still texting him. He says it's platonic, and I believe him. It makes me uncomfortable none the less. I think she needs to back off and if/when we're ready we'll let them know. She is obviously very sexually aggressive and I feel threatened by it.

What say the seasoned on here about all of this?

ETA: I should add, he is telling me about the messages not sneaking and hiding or waiting for me to ask him about it.

[suite91]

My wife feels a little like you do - go ahead and Fuck but don't be intimate.
In our case it didn't come up until it was too late. The story goes like this: We often play apart, most often it's Her who gets to indulge and those hookups have been in the wham/bang vein. It's all she wants from them and they are happy to oblige. My first real solo outing was quite different - we were friends and we were working out of town together. I of course had Her blessing to go ahead play "Have fun!" were Her words. So we did.
When I called home to "debrief" she was pissed! Why had I spend the "whole" night "making love" to this woman?! This was suppose to be about SEX and sex only! I was stunned. I thought I had done everything right! I checked first! I told her everything! Kept no secrets! WTF!

So what did we learn? Intimacy is now reserved for Us. Where it get prickly is how to define intimacy. My wife's point is that sex can be fun, even brain meltingly hot, without gazing deeply into each others eyes. My point is that I can gaze into a woman's eyes without it taking anything from Our love.

In regard to the woman texting and such, if you're uncomfortable with her then that's all it should take. Veto power. I can't see any good coming from you feeling threatened - hell that's what that this whole topic comes down to! Move on.

Regarding MFM and cuckolding - damn this is already a long post....maybe later.

[Additude]

I can't say there is a right way or wrong way to approach this. It's different for every person and also for every couple.

What I say, applies to me and my relationship.

But as a husband married to my wife, I would not want to be "loving intimate" with the other female. I'm not talking about fuck and run either. A certain amount of holding and talking is good, but for me I would draw a line where it goes from friendship to romance. I don't have a problem telling a lady she was good and I had a great time. Kissing her, holding her, making her feel comfortable afterwards....well that just improves my chances of her wanting to be with me again.

It also depends on the woman. I've been with women in this lifestyle that don't want much to do with that kind of crap. Some ladies just want to get fucked, feel good, then say, "Thanks"...and it is over...till next time.

There is a terminology that is used in swinging refering to it as recreational sex. That I believe is exactly where the mindset needs to be. It's not making love. Making love is what a couple in a relationship do. Recreational sex is what two friends do, like go golfing, shopping, have a BBQ together.

I would say your husband doesn't have the right mindset to continue. I think you do. If your hubby can't separate love from sex, then he isn't ready for this.

[LFM2]

Speaking from a woman's point of view... it would honestly creep me the fuck out to have some guy cuddle, caress, whisper in my ear, kiss after we're done, hold hands, or even do anything remotely close to that. It's like crossing a fine line from "just sex" to something more intimate. I get all the googly eyes, caressing,hand holding, passionate kissing, cuddling and whispers at home...

Now, don't get me wrong; I love talking to our partners after sex. We love talking about hobbies, sex, parties, movies, politics, religion, whatever... But it's never out of earshot of the other.

Now, other women might like this... maybe they don't get enough cuddle time or kissing at home and love the attention, so this is just my opinion. But if I was ever caught off guard by the actions of the OP's husband (or any other partner) we would probably never play with them again, at least not without making some strict ground rules.

I know I've said on here before that we swing because we like variety and we love sex. We don't confuse sex with making love. We aren't "intimate" with our partners. We have sex, chit chat about whatever, maybe sex again and then we all go home. It's pretty simple, really.

[Edison Carter]

Susan here-- I allow myself to be very into the sexual moment: thrilled by it, engaged completely in it, but once it's over I would never think of making it more intimate beyond the moment. I will be very connected with a lover, but being treated as THE 'love' is out of context and would be inappropriate. Again, in the moment, fully engaged with my partner. Yet, fully emotional, 'afterplay' is not what I'm there for, nor should I be, per se.

If you're engaged emotionally, playing solo, that can be a short walk to becoming a mistress.

[exploringRM]

Personally I (male half) like the emotional connection, but it's more of a raw connection not like longing or love. I enjoy post play touching, talking etc. It's not like whispering sweet nothings..just a wind down. I have a few play partners that are just into the sex and then it's done. Not that I don't enjoy that, but sometimes seems a little too abrupt of a stop.

As far as eye contact during sex, again it's a connection for that moment in time..and i think it enhances the experience.

Here's a thread I started on a related topic:

Sensual/Erotic

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by thiscouple

I wouldn't mind him just having sex...but he wants to make love to the other women. He wants to hold hands while kissing, carress, and such. Then afterwards wants to lay in eachother's arms and carress and whisper sweet nothings about how good she was. I am so NOT okay with this! I was okay when I thought he was on the same page I was and that it was physical pleasures and leave the soft, sweet intimate stuff for me. He says he cannot do this like a robot and it's the only way he knows how to be. He is upset I and cannot understand where I am coming from. To me it'd be like he's giving love and a little of his soul to each playmate. That is NOT what I think this should be! Maybe I'm just crazy jealous like he thinks. I don't know. I do know I'm not ready and I feel bad about that but I also know I cannot stand to let him make love to someone else.

Right now we're doing the MFM threesomes and he wants to do a cuckhold episode. He thinks it's all hot and loves it. Says it'll be okay if we just do that.

Are you sure you not in an equal cuckolding relationship now ? I mean think about it... your having sex in front of him in a cuckold way, and he certainly fucked your emotions and mind in return... I don't agree with that ! From the sounds of it, you don't either..... Are you sure he is not trying to show you something, unintentionally ?

The question is, was all this intentional... ? Or, did you guys take a wrong turn through misunderstandings or a lack of communication ? Think about it...

I hope its the latter and you guys just don't understand how the hell ya got yourselves here ? That can be worked on as a couple I'm sure.

Its time to make a couples choice though ? Stop swinging, until you can do that......

If you do continue like you are, I would suggest finding out allot of information about the cuckold lifestyle/relationships. Where do you fit in, what do you understand ? Are you sure there is a balanced relationship between the two of you ? I would say Mr thiscouple, is seeking some personal balance. I don't think he is a cuckold (true to the word) if, he is searching for emotional connections from someone else.... At least its something to think about, right ?

I'll say a thousand times if I have to.. We find out allot about ourselves as well as out partners, in the lifestyle. You two need to talk about having/showing mutual respect in a new way now. If what your doing, isn't working, for what ever reasons..... Stop !

I hate to say this, but when we used to play with single males, one time a male friend of ours was telling me how playing with cuckolds was one of the worst scenarios. He said it was like walking on eggshells around that sort of couple. I think I can see how he felt now .... I don't mean for that to be at your expense, I sincerely dont... But, I have to wonder if your male playmates aren't sensing something along that lines. We never had the cuckold mentality nor dynamics, to do so. Are you sure, you do ? Role playing is one thing, living the cuckold lifestyle, is quite another....

But then another problem is we had contacted an experienced couple. He and her texted and he let me read them. That's when I realized he wanted the love making... describing how he'd tenderly do this and that, then hold her in his arms, etc. I immediately pulled the plug. She is still texting him. He says it's platonic, and I believe him. It makes me uncomfortable none the less. I think she needs to back off and if/when we're ready we'll let them know. She is obviously very sexually aggressive and I feel threatened by it.

Stop what your doing and figure out why you feel this way. Why does Mr thiscouple, feel this way ? I would want to not only know, but understand...personally.

If you take these feeling unexplored, to the swinging society (clubs and interactions with couples or singles) there will be no hiding it, or at least not for long. You can wear as mask to others or each other, but do you want to ? This isn't about "them" its about you two now.

What say the seasoned on here about all of this?

This seasoned swinger says stop/take that time to understand. I hope you don't hate me, but you need to understand the nature of the jungle or it will only harm you.... We are here as friends to the lifestyle and hopefully you will be a part of this community, as friends. We talk about many things here some cant talk about in the lifestyle, or wouldn't want to. I hear you saying " he/she, I think", this or that, but I don't hear either of you saying I understand how my partner feels and truly, understand !

Who knows, if you can understand the cuckolding lifestyle (If that is truly the dynamics of your relationship) you might be of some help to others....

ETA: I should add, he is telling me about the messages not sneaking and hiding or waiting for me to ask him about it.

Are you sure he is not letting down his mask ? Would you want to hurt him for doing so, without even knowing you are ? Does he know he is hurting you now ? You both have allot of talking to do at the table... Stop swinging until you have a better understanding of your own relationship, its always allowed. Its part of the good nature, of the lifestyle

Look for the balance, the understanding, and keep it good.

I'm Just adding some thoughts here Mrs.thiscouple, what do you think ? How do you feel about what I or others have said ?

We are here to listen anytime, if you care to talk more....

[thiscouple]

I think just stopping and stepping back is a wonderful idea. We do need to step back and talk this whole thing out before going any farther and make sure we do if not understand the other at least respect what the other is feeling.

Thank you.

[Powerglide]

Couple of things:
First, and most important, you are not comfortable with this behavior. You shouldn't continue until the two of you have worked out guidelines you are comfortable and happy with. And he needs to cut off the texting from the 'Platonic' friend. After all, it's the Platonic stuff and not the genital stuff that's causing you pain.
My own experience is a little different. When L. and I play, it's usually with couples we've been with many times and who have become our friends. And so there is an emotional involvement, a level of affection, that is more than just slam, bam, thank you Mam. It would seem very strange to me if we didn't cuddle and caress and so on afterwards, and it's especially nice when it's the four of us in one bed, so we can caress both our playmates and our partners. But it isn't romance, it's just simple affection for good friends and play partners.

[JustAskJulie]

I'd have a word with Mrs Experienced if I were you and let her know she needs to back off. Chances are she's not taking the hint that he's not responding (assuming he's not). And you didn't say if he's told her to back off.

As far as the issue of being romantic with those you swing with. Everyone's sex style is different. Some do prefer the more romantic style, some prefer wam-bam, so like it all. I'm with you in that when it comes to swinging I'm not comfortable with all the lovey-dovey stuff. A main requirement for being able to swing is being able to separate sex and love. That doesn't mean he can't be a tender lover with those he plays with, so long as you understand it's not love. It sounds like something you guys need to talk more about. If he's comfortable with just you playing for now, and you are too then stick with that for a while while you talk it out.

[sweet_tna]

It's not uncommon for individuals within a couple to have different preferences for sex/playtime, or different comfort levels. The key is to find a middle ground were you're both comfortable.

For now, ya'll need to take a step back and TALK about things. What do each of you want out of a swing encounter? What are you comfortable with and what aren't you comfortable with? Use the answers to these questions to set some ground rules and stick to them until you feel the need to change them.

Best of luck to you,

=)

One of the reasons we're more polyamorous than swinger is the desire for the emotional connection as well as the sexual variety.

Most people can't, let alone won't, be able to love more than one at a time.

But understand that just because we some someone (other than our primary partner) doesn't meant that we could stand to live with them, let alone would consider them marriageable (assuming we were available, which we aren't.)

And that's something interesting to us: we can have the good part of a love relationship, and skip most of the bad part that would make the relationship never work out.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by exploringRM

Personally I (male half) like the emotional connection, but it's more of a raw connection not like longing or love. I enjoy post play touching, talking etc. It's not like whispering sweet nothings..just a wind down. I have a few play partners that are just into the sex and then it's done. Not that I don't enjoy that, but sometimes seems a little too abrupt of a stop.

As far as eye contact during sex, again it's a connection for that moment in time..and i think it enhances the experience.

Ditto!

I am a woman who feels the same way as Mr exploringRM does about sex when swinging.

With swinging, I am always flexible, and handle each play situation as I feel is natural for me and my partner. With some men, I have no interest in making the play intimate. With others I absolutely love the intimacy. If I could have the ideal, I'd like to have playmates who I could connect with in a way that would always involve the softer, intimate moments included in play. I like to feel I'm having sex with a person, not just a body.

Mrs thiscouple, I think the other woman is doing what comes natural to her, and your husband is doing the same. If your husband has responded positively to what she has written to him then she will see that as a reason to continue to communicate with him as she has. It is up to your husband to let this woman know what the limits are.

You and your husband need to step back from this couple and put swinging on hold, even with the MFM play. I don't think you've discussed how different you and your husband are in your game plan. If what you each want is too varied, there is no way to swing merrily along. You'll be miserable.

I hope your husband will read the Board with you, and that you both take time to reevaluate what you each want from swinging.

LM