Lies and Curious Family

[acdg]

Hallo Forum, My wife and I go to on premise clubs quite regularly and have been up to now able to hide this from our Grown Daughter and Her Friend. They are both open to the idea of going to a swing club, Our Daughter really takes after her mother and would like to go, however her Friend at the moment while also open to the idea still does not have the courage to go.

The situation where we need help is we are going to a new year’s party at a swing club and our Daughter wanted to go with us to the new year party, under the premise that it is not a swing club, this year we got out of it by saying that they are completely booked. We are afraid that next year she will think about new years early and tell us to book for them also.

So the question is should we confess our lies and tell them where we are going or find another excuse. I think the ice is getting thin already due to several indiscretions anyway. Or should we continue to deny where we are going even though they have their suspicions.

I am for confessing but my Wife is still concerned that the daughter and friend will not really understand since they have never been to a club.

Thanks ACDG

[Alura]

Telling the truth is so much easier! If y'all can get past this one, you'll never again have to lie to your daughter. You'll also be able to quit worrying about hiding things. No more "what if she finds out" tensions...

Very seldom does a lie make a situation easier to deal with; quite the opposite. Besides, your daughter is an adult. If y'all can't communicate freely now you aren't likely to ever be able to.

An issue recently arose with my eighteen year old son. The truth set us free, resolved the situation, and opened up a field of understanding between us.

Alura

[Mr. Truelove]

I hate lying, especially to family. The only reason why I wouldn't tell my family members is if they would blab about it, or if they would be extremely judgmental.

If you think neither is a a problem, then I don't know why it would be a problem telling them.

[acdg]

Oh yes we defiantly agree telling the truth would be so much easier. We did say that we went to a club a long time ago and the response was not so positive more on the lines Mom what are you doing there?

I guess she expected so much from me.

Somewhere on the forum I read one of the best lines ever about swinging.

"Swinging is like riding a Harley. For those who understand, no explanation is necessary. For those who don't, no explanation is possible."

Anyway thanks for the insight and Happy nude Year. ACDG

[Additude]

If you don't want to tell them, which you have every right to feel, then just tell them you are invited to a "Private Party". Maybe you can say that yourself and your wife traditionally appreciate "private time" together to bring in the New Year.

There is no reason you should be manipulated into "Telling the Truth" based on terms that you have not yourself defined, even if it is unbeknown to your daughter.

This isn't about telling the truth or lying, this is about exposing your personal & private lives to someone as judgmental as your daughter and her "friend", whoever that friend is.

You are afforded the right to privacy. Even if it involves family.

Then what are you going to say after you have told them? "Oh ... keep this a secret and to yourselves, we don't want anyone else to know"....

That could open a whole 'nother can of worms to contend with.

Is that what you want?

[lizandtom]

I have two questions for you to ask yourselves which would probably let you come to the conclusion whether to tell/invite your daughter and her friend.

1. Would you be comfortable knowing your daughter and her friend are possibly watching you and your wife getting it on with others? If no, then stop there and do not proceed and keep up the avoidance with your daughter. If yes, then proceed to Q.2.

2. Would the possibility of your daughters friend (moreso than your daughter) exposing your alternative lifestyle to the community put your status and livelihood at risk? If it's a possibility then don't do it. If you could 'care less' about what others in the community think and no business/wages could possibly be lost from you two being 'outed,' then go for it. The reason I said to be wary of the daughters friend, is that she has little, if anything, to lose. Your daughter has a vested interest in keeping chaos to a minimum. If your daughter and her friend ever were to argue and the friendship were to end, then you can be assured that anything that she experienced with you all could very well make the social circles, possibly to your detriment.

[Alura]

In my opinion, this is definitely about telling the truth or lying, simply because it involves your honesty with your daughter. If only the "friend" were involved then perhaps a lie of omission might be workable. Even so, it would cause more problems in the future of your relationship with your daughter, because of the constant need for cover up.

One of the major culture conflicts between the Europeans and the Natives in the Americas was the Europeans' willingness to lie while the concept was quite foreign to Native Americans. Thus, the Four Hundred Years' War ensued.

It would be possible, of course, to simply tell your daughter that you are not comfortable discussing swinging with her and leave it at that. My feeling, though, is that y'all have already passed this possibility by. Besides, it's not likely you'd want to put an obstacle in the path of communication with her.

Alura

[Alura]

Originally Posted by acdg

Somewhere on the forum I read one of the best lines ever about swinging.

"Swinging is like riding a Harley. For those who understand, no explanation is necessary. For those who don't, no explanation is possible."

Anyway thanks for the insight and Happy nude Year. ACDG

That quote is mine, ACDG! Thanks for the compliment! When I wrote it in a thread long ago, a couple (board members) wrote to me and asked permission to use it as a signature line, giving credit to me, of course. I was honored and still am. I believe they still use it.

Ride Free; Live Long!

Alura

[acdg]

Well we posed the question to a few of the other couples at the party and the general consensus is to keep your Lyfestyle activitys secret from Family members and I think we will also continue to do so until our daughter and her friend have decided to give it a try on their own. Then we can at least be communicating on the same wave length.

@ Additude I like the thought and you are correct I never thought of it like that. Thanks

@ LizandTom If we knew the Daughter and her Friend were in the lifestyle also I would not have a problem with it. As for the second question I do not think it would affect us at all. But good points.

I think that as far as lying I think it will have to remain at large omissions of the truth to put it in better words.

@ Alura The Quote I found on a old thread from you so I sort of suspected that it was yours.

Great Line Thanks

And like always great advice on the forum.

[JustAskJulie]

I have two thoughts on this issue...

1. Why do you have to give your daughter a reason to not hang out with you? I mean it's great that she loves you and wants to hang out with you, BUT you should be able to go out on any given night (NYE or not) without her expecting to go with you or inviting herself. Sounds like a boundary issue.

2. If you think your daughter might be open to swinging, do you really want to be the one to open the door for her? Do you really want her at the same parties with you? Because if they'd be open to it and you tell them where you are going NYE (or whenever) that may be what happens and that would probably infringe on your fun even more than you are currently imagining.

[sweet_tna]

Here's the question I keep circling around . . . do y'all WANT your daughter (and her friend) to know the truth? OR How would you feel if they walked in to the club to find ya'll there?

=)

[acdg]

@ Julie Our daughter and her mother are very close and of course they talk. Last year 2008 we had a really great time and her mother told her so without any details other than dancing and great food, this year 2009 was the same. Yes you are correct we really do not need to give any excuse however when asked we need to say something. It does not really have to do with boundaries our daughter is defiantly just thinking that they could go to a great party with us which in a vanilla scene would not be a big deal. We do enjoy their company also.

As far as opening the door for them we are not going to do so and continue the plausible deniability track. If they eventually do take the plunge and go to a club we will have to rethink our strategy at that time.

@ sweet_tna if they knew the truth it would make things easier for us however after the discussions at the party the other night and the discussion here I am also convinced that unless they are also in the lifestyle then it is better that they do not know. As for the possibility that they walk into a club and we are there or the other way around that is always a possibility the same as registering with the internet page we are active in, there is nothing we can do to prevent that. And if they are in a club or on the site then they did not get there by accident.

Next weekend we are going out again and I think this time we can say with a straight face we are meeting another couple with the RV’s at a bar (thank goodness our RV is small and only sleeps 2) not a lie just a omission of a lot of details.

One question what does NYE Mean?

Thanks ACDG

[fun4Ds]

News Years Eve..... ....... I hope.... ?

Either that, or Nikelo Yambadda Eagleshnog

I don't have any idea what that means, but I think its Zimbabwean or something

(laughing with, not @ you)

[fun4Ds]

Seriously, I do feel where your coming from though.

I suppose for us we managed to keep our lifestyle "toned down" if anything. Our adult children know about us and by all means could respond to this very post. My daughter has read here. If our daughter knows anything, our daughter in laws will know everything.

If our daughter inquired about going to a club "with us", I would say " You know when you were growing up and we had our bedroom locked and we allowed you to keep yours locked as well... but, we could talk about anything in the living room or kitchen ? Well, Its still locked, don't come in. "

They know me well enough to know, I would actually say those words.

I know them well enough to know that they would say "Ewww...."

Our oldest son and daughter in law are the only ones who have inquired about meeting a female playmate we know. We were together and going to a club over 60 miles away. They were in the same city... Their not in the lifestyle by any means, they just wanted to see who she was.

We declined to introduce them, it was our choice. They had no mixed feelings about our decision and respected it. But, we wondered if they weren't trying to spy for a glimpse that weekend.... LOL

[acdg]

Ahh thanks I must still be recovering from the New Years party. I should have guessed that, just could not get around the N that had to mean Nude.